He shook his head,
“
Don
’
t worry about me. I got all this stuff in here, remember? I can get myself out easy enough.
”
I frowned, not entirely convinced.
“
But
—”
“
It
’
s okay, Addy,
”
he said, his voice soft.
“
Go home. I
’
m sorry I can
’
t walk you.
”
Staring down at him, my eyes trailed to his lips and I felt a moment where I wanted to crawl back into the room fall into his arms, and try it all over again. But
…
but he didn
’
t want to touch me, even if he wanted to kiss me, and this moment of rebellion had to end. I had too many promises to keep to let myself get wrapped up with him.
I nodded.
“
Okay,
”
I said in a quiet voice. Before I got up, I called down,
“
Thank you. It really was a lot of fun.
”
He stared up at me and mustered up a small smile.
“
I wish
…
I wish you wouldn
’
t go.
”
“
I know.
”
But I did have to go. I pulled away from him and walked away, heading back towards my apartment, and this time I didn
’
t let the view of Old Main distract me.
I didn
’
t sleep well that night. My dreams were a mixture of everything that had been plaguing my mind for the last couple of weeks. Miranda and Logan and that terrible night years ago
…
the promises I
’
d made and the feeling that I
’
d been breaking them all week.
When my alarm went off the following morning, it took everything I had to drag myself out of bed.
Stripping out of my pajamas and grabbing a towel, I started the shower. As the water warmed up, I brushed my teeth, waiting for my body to start really waking up. Putting up my toothbrush, I stepped into the shower.
The hot water helped wake my body. I stepped further under the stream, tilting my head back to let water pour over my face and wash away the remainder of sleep from my eyes. Too late, I realized that I shouldn
’
t be washing my hair. I
’
d have to straighten it again, and that meant I would probably be late for my first class.
I sighed and cursed myself, but let it go. I
’
d just pull my hair back tight today and not worry about it, I decided, pouring a large portion of shampoo into my palm and lathering it into my hair.
When I finished washing my hair and shaving my legs, I just stood beneath the water for several more long moments, enjoying the soothing sensation it left me with.
After a while, I accepted that I was going to have to get out and dry off if I wanted to make myself presentable for class. I did so reluctantly, drying off and then heading to my room to search for something decent to wear.
I needed to do laundry soon.
I picked out a pair of navy blue slacks and a gray sweater that made me look frumpy, undesirable, and the farthest I could get from interesting. I took the time to comb out my hair, spritzing in detangler and hoping that it would keep the curls at bay, even if I didn
’
t have time to straighten them. My make-up was basic, dull and unimaginative and three years ago I would have given one of my friends shit for going out looking like I did.
But that was sort of the point, so I left it.
When I was dressed, I reached for my phone. When I looked down, I saw that I had three new text messages. I freaked out for a few seconds, before I realized that none of them were from my mother. Letting out a sigh of relief, I opened up the texts.
Dude, the Social Sciences building is off limits! Class cancelled! Score.
That was from David in my first class. We studied sometimes, so I had his number, but I couldn
’
t make myself think of him as anything other than nerdy and annoying. Still, his text was good news to me.
The other two texts were pretty much the same. My first two classes were in the Social Sciences building instead of the Business building, so I found myself lucking out. That meant I had plenty of time to straighten my hair
and
work on my Ethics paper.
When I
’
d gotten home last night that had been impossible to focus on, so I didn
’
t get more than a few notes down before giving up completely on it.
I texted my classmates back with varying affirmations of glee, then promptly pulled my hair out from its tight bun, relieved that I wouldn
’
t have to wear it like that all day. I left it down to dry and then pulled my books out, setting them up on my desk so that I could work on them.
I still had to go to my third class of the day
—
English Literature, which meant I was going to see Kass and we would hopefully spend the day sending notes back and forth talking about her date rather than mine
—
so I set an alarm to make sure I didn
’
t get too engrossed in my paper.
After several hours of pounding the books, my alarm bleeped balefully at me and I slammed my book shut. Turning off my alarm, I took a moment to lean back in my chair. I hadn
’
t gotten the whole thing written of course, but I
’
d made some real progress. Most of my argument was mapped out, I had a fully functional outline, not to mention I also had some great sources and quotes put down.
I
’
d have to clean it up a bit later when I had a fresh pair of eyes, but for now, it was real progress and it made me feel good about it. Getting up, I took the time to straighten out my now completely dry mass of curls. It took a while, but I
’
d factored in straightening time, so I was ready to go with plenty of time to get to class on time.
Texting Kass, I asked where she was
—
she said she was on campus already, but that she was definitely going to make it to class on time this time. I told her I
’
d save her a seat.
I got there with almost a full twenty minutes before class started and put my backpack in the seat next to me, saving it for Kass. The other class was ending and people were leaving, though some lingered to ask the professor questions. I was really early, but I didn
’
t mind. It gave me some time to review some notes for a different class while I waited. I preferred having too much time to not enough. After nearly ten minutes, students began to file in and chairs began to fill up. It was only a couple minutes before class and I was beginning to think that Kass wasn
’
t going to make it like she had thought, but then she burst in through the door and made a beeline for me, the smile on her face so wide it looked painful.
I rolled my eyes at her overly excited expression
—
it was a d
é
j
à
vu moment in my opinion, and before she even sat down, I was already scribbling a note in my notebook.
Have a good time with James?
I plopped it on her desk as she sat down. She read it as she put down her backpack and as soon as she finished, her eyes lit up. She nodded emphatically, then searched her bag for a pen. When she couldn
’
t find one, she gave up and snatched mine off my desk.
It was amazing! He
’
s so sweet and we made out for like half the night!
I laughed at her.
Making out is what makes a boy sweet these days?
I wrote back cheekily.
She waved me off, my teasing unable to deter her happiness in the slightest. Her grin persisted and she began to tell me of her night with James. Although I was a good audience, reading and responding as I should, my mind was elsewhere. She wasn
’
t the only one who had a date last night, but hers had evidently gone a lot better than mine.
Mine had ended a little disastrously, and it was my fault. I sensed that something more was going on in him that I didn
’
t understand, and that made me nervous, but that wasn
’
t the real reason I pulled away, was it? It was the things that were happening within me that had me feeling guilty for going on the date in the first place.
I just couldn
’
t figure out what I was doing anymore. Why did I go last night at all? Whatever the answer was, I couldn
’
t let it happen again. I had to let this all go.
We spent the rest of class discussing James and her date, and I did my best to focus on anything besides Logan. It wasn
’
t easy, but talking to Kass helped.
I just wished that I could talk to her
about
Logan, but I knew that was a bad idea. Either she would want to know exactly what it was about Logan I was so damn afraid of
—
and why I was drawn to him at all
—
or she would want to know all the details of us being together.
Which we weren
’
t.
And either of those options sounded terrible. I couldn
’
t tell her about that or anything else regarding Logan, because I couldn
’
t explain to her the things he meant to me. It would require too much explaining of my past and I wasn
’
t ready for that.
I didn
’
t think I would ever be ready for that.
When class was done, we gathered up our books and walked out. Kass continued to chat ecstatically about James, gushing and glowing in the honeymoon phase of her relationship. I continued to nod and comment where appropriate.
It wasn
’
t until we were standing outside of the cafeteria doors that I realized we were heading to lunch and there was a good chance that I would have to face either Lexie or Mason, or both, and I didn
’
t want to do that.
So I stopped before we made it to the doors. It took Kass a moment before she realized that I wasn
’
t moving anymore, but when she did, she turned to face me.
“
Addy?
”
she asked, eyebrows raised in question.
“
What
’
s wrong?
”
I had to think fast. If I told her that I didn
’
t want to eat lunch with everyone, she was going to ask why, and I didn
’
t want to deal with that question. So I said the first thing that came to my mind.
“
Uh, I have to meet with my professor today about an essay.
”
Her shoulders dropped and she let out an annoyed sound.
“
Again
?
”
she demanded.
“
You just did that yesterday! Can
’
t you take a break from the overachiever mode and slide into totally girling out over guys mode instead?
”
I offered her an apologetic smile, shrugging my shoulders.
“
I
’
m really sorry, Kass. I just spaced on it. He told me my topic is too complicated and that I need to pick another one, but that means I have to start all over again, so I
’
m really behind. I
’
m going in to see what he thinks of the new one, so I don
’
t mess up or anything.
”
She huffed to show her annoyance, but she wasn
’
t really mad. She knew how important my grades were to me, so she wasn
’
t going to give me too much grief over it.
“
Fine. Do you think you
’
ll get out soon enough to catch us at the end of lunch?
”
she asked, clearly hopeful.
I smiled and lied.
“
I
’
ll do my best.
”
With that she nodded, wished me luck and told me to text her as soon as I was done. I promised I would, and then promptly went in the complete opposite direction of the dining hall. I headed to the library, confident I wouldn
’
t run into anyone I was trying to avoid there. Most of the people I didn
’
t want to see right now would be gathered in the dining hall and I highly doubted that Logan would be wasting his time in a library.