Wrestling With Desire (8 page)

* * * *

At lunch, Josh, Power, and Frank had already claimed a table. Derek noticed that Phil and Sean had joined them, probably because they knew they were going to meet Scott and wanted to size up their competition.

After grabbing their lunches, Derek led Scott to the table and introduced him. "Guys, this is Scott, the new guy I told you about from Iowa. Scott, this is Josh, our captain. Nick is the really big guy over there." Nick stood up and leaned towards Derek menacingly. Derek laughed, flipping him the bird without even glancing at him. That earned him several laughs from around the table. "We call him Nick 'the Power'

Bower or just 'Power' for short. You'll find out why when the 65

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season begins." Power laughed and gave Derek a hard pat on the back knocking some of the wind out of his lungs. "This is Sean, Frank, and Phil." Josh, Power, and Frank extended their hands immediately and welcomed Scott warmly. Sean and Phil were polite, but far less welcoming. Derek wondered if they would be a problem later if Scott beat them and took the 167 weight class spot.

"So, you wrestled in Iowa?" Josh said with clear approval.

"And at the 167 weight class as well. I bet Sean and Phil aren't too psyched that you're here, but the rest of us sure as Hell are. We need to have a strong team to take division this year and the more competition for each spot the better, I say." He gave Sean and Phil a meaningful stare. Although Josh was an arrogant fuck, he was a good captain and Derek appreciated the dig he had thrown at Sean and Phil who were now sitting quietly and looking remorseful.

Derek's only concern was that Scott might feel uncomfortable knowing he was the reason for any tension at all. To his relief, Scott picked up on Josh's lead without missing a beat. "I agree completely. Each year I'm always worried about holding onto my spot. You never know who gained or lost weight to enter your weight class and who trained during the summer and learned new moves to outmaneuver you on the mat." Scott also gave Sean and Phil a meaningful look, but his was completely different than Josh's had been. His look said that he knew where they were coming from and understood why they would feel animosity.

The two of them visibly relaxed and even smiled a bit.

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Josh appraised his comment with a nod. "That's just the attitude we look for here." Derek let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He was able to fall into his comfort zone of sitting back and observing as the guys fired question after question at Scott about his team in Iowa, the coolest move he had used in a meet, his team's record. By the end of lunch, Scott was one of the guys. Derek shook his head, pleased and filled with admiration.

They were leaving the cafeteria and Derek was about to walk with Scott back to their lockers, when Power sidled up to them. "So, you had to up and leave your school and friends for senior year. You leave a girl behind in Iowa?" Derek's gut clenched when Power asked the question. There was a pause before Scott answered the question and Derek swore that he glanced at him for a split second.
Was that panic in his eyes
Whatever the look was, Scott collected himself, turned back to Power and broke into a wide grin. "Power, that's too long of a story for me to answer right now. If you still want to know, ask me again tomorrow."

Power let out a guttural, "Yeah boy!" and clapped Scott on the back.

Josh simply shook his head. "Don't mind him. He was brought up by a pack of wolves and doesn't know how to behave around people." Power laughed, but when he punched Josh in the arm, Josh winced. "It was nice meeting you."

As Derek and Scott walked towards their lockers, Power's question screamed inside Derek's head. He wanted to know the answer, but there was no way he was going to ask the 67

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question again. Instead, he made idle conversation. "So what did you think of the guys?"

"They seem cool. I think Sean and Phil weren't too happy, but then again, I wouldn't be either if an unknown came to my school and turned out to be my competition."

"They're good guys. Once the season begins and things settle into place, they'll be cool with you no matter how it turns out." Derek wasn't as sure of that as he sounded, but there was no point in creating tension when the season hadn't even begun.

Scott took the information in and nodded. They continued towards their lockers in silence. Every time Derek looked at Scott he seemed deep in thought, almost troubled. As they walked, the silence continued and seemed to grow. By the time they arrived at their lockers, Derek's mind was spinning a mile a minute, trying to figure out what he possibly could have done to shut Scott down so suddenly. Collecting the things he would need for the rest of the day, Derek felt his lungs constrict and his eyes began to burn. The day had started so well. Scott had just told him how much he appreciated him. Tears were about to spill from his eyes and he had to blink rapidly to force them back.

It was when he was about to close his locker that Scott finally broke the silence. "Listen, I've been trying to think of a way to say this that won't sound totally weird, but I can't think of one so I'm just gonna take a chance at sounding weird." Scott took a deep breath before continuing. "I've never met someone like you before." Derek lost his ability to breathe. "You're a really great guy and so friendly and..."

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Scott's cheeks began to turn red as he spoke, "easy to be around." Derek was able to breathe again. "That was really nice of you to introduce me to the guys. You didn't have to, but I want you to know I appreciate that you did. I know I told you that I appreciate that you've been so cool earlier, but..." Again, Scott was struggling with his words and his face had become burgundy. Scott had been shifting from one foot to the other, but when he spoke again, he stopped moving and looked Derek directly in the eyes. "I'm just trying to say that I'm really glad that we are friends. I think we could be better friends than any of the guys I know back in Iowa.

There's something about you that is...I don't know what the word is, but I want you to know that I think you are really cool."

No one had ever spoken to him with such raw honesty.

Ever. Not his parents or Beck. No one. Scott hadn't been silent
because
of him at all. He had been thinking of how he could tell Derek how much he
liked
him. Derek had worked himself into a state of panic for nothing.

Hearing Scott's words, the intensity behind them, caused his body to betray him for the fourth time that day. At least this time he could use the motion of closing his locker and leaning against the wall as camouflage for adjusting himself.

"I find it easy to do nice things for people." Derek winced internally. That wasn't what he wanted to say and it wasn't even particularly true. "Besides, I like you Scott. I think we have a lot in common."
That
was what he had meant to say and now that it was said he wished he could take it back.
So
much for being careful and keeping my guard up.

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Scott's smile returned to his face, one corner of his mouth slightly higher than the other and that cute dimple peering out at him from Scott's cheek. "I'm glad you understand what I'm trying to say. I was worried that I might make you feel..."

"Awkward?" Derek suggested.

A single laugh escaped Scott's mouth. "Yeah. Did it?"

The question took Derek by surprise.
He's as concerned
about my reactions as I am about his.
Somehow the knowledge emboldened him. "No, it didn't. I like that you aren't afraid to say what's on your mind."

Scott closed his locker and the two of them headed towards their fifth period class. Scott's cheerful nature had returned and his voice was light and animated. "Hey, I know I'm seeing you in history, but you want to go running again after school today? I brought my stuff with me just in case."

Derek had completely forgotten that he had brought his running clothes to school as well. The fact that Scott had asked first, had been thinking about him the night before and had planned to ask him to go running, sent him soaring.

Somehow, he managed to sound casual in his response. "So did I. That would be great."

During fifth period Latin, Derek considered the mixture of thoughts that were circulating in his head. He was stunned at the effect Scott had on people. Meeting others, opening up, fitting in...it was all so natural to him. And Scott had a way of expressing his feelings without sounding like a freak. Derek had tons of feelings, but he never knew how to get them out of his head. Scott put into words how Derek felt but was unable to say. Then there was Power's question about 70

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whether Scott had left a girl back in Iowa. That was exactly the question Derek wanted to have answered and Scott had deftly skirted it without making himself look like a jerk and without giving the slightest hint of an answer.

And finally, there was what he had said at the lockers.

Derek had never in his life felt so special, so important. That Scott thought so highly of him. Derek pushed his thoughts from his mind and focused on the teacher. There was only one thing that mattered. Scott was a great guy and liked spending time with him. Analyzing Scott to death would not help Derek's nerves and wouldn't give him the answers he needed.

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Chapter 5

A month later, Derek felt no closer to figuring things out with Scott than he had on that first day. They had fallen into a routine; a pattern of simple actions and behaviors that they could count on each day. They still ran after school most days, although Scott had taken to working out with the guys on the team a couple days a week. They always ate lunch together, but Derek couldn't get a read on Scott when surrounded by all of their friends.

"So, Bryce and I were rehearsing a dance number for the closing scene. Bryce is playing the part of Link Larkin..." Beck had landed the lead role of Tracy Turnblad in the winter musical,
Hairspray
. Derek was relieved. If the lead had gone to Malinda, his life would have taken an abrupt and significant turn for the worse having to deal with Beck's morose outbursts at the injustices of life itself.

"And you
so
wish that it was really Zac Efron who you got to kiss and smooch and grind against on the dance floor instead of Bryce. We know, you have told us this every day at lunch for the past month." Derek rolled his eyes and patted her arm.

Beck remained still, mouth partially open, then closed her mouth abruptly, tilted her head to the side as she considered how to react, and snapped her head back towards Derek.

"Babe, I love you more than my left tit, but if you interrupt me one more time when I am talking about my rehearsals I'm gonna—"

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"Rip his nuts off, roll them into perfect spheres, and use them for golf practice?" Scott suggested. Both Beck and Derek's eyes shot across the table at Scott, their mouths twin images of shock. "What?" Scott asked. "You were going to say something like that right?"

Beck's shock turned into a wide grin. "No, I was going to use them as paper weights, but I like your idea much better."

All three of them laughed.

Walking back to their lockers, Scott and Beck were talking as Derek followed them thinking. He had always loved routines. They were safe and easy to hide behind. People came to expect that things would happen a certain way each day. Any variation drew attention and Derek hated attention.

But wanting to figure Scott out, wanting to make sense of the small things he had noticed about Scott that hinted that he could maybe feel the same way, made the routines torturous.

Derek felt the answers pulling further and further away the more entrenched the patterns of the days became. Something had to change. He had to break the pattern or he would never get the answers he so desperately needed.

* * * *

After school, Derek changed into his running clothes and contemplated which route he would take. On his own today, Derek opted for a long run and headed west. He decided to run two bridges towards Brighton, cross over to the other side of the river, then run to the Foot Bridge and finish back at school. It only added another three miles to the run, but he felt like he needed the extra time so he could think.

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Derek could see that his wrestling teammates were impressed by Scott and had high hopes that he may be just what the team needed to take division this year. Oddly, on the days that Scott went to work out with Josh and Power, Derek felt no jealousy or resentment. He was glad that Scott was bonding with the members of the team and he knew, from their frequent conversations, that Scott spent a lot of time alone at home. Perhaps it was because they shared two classes, had lunch together every day, and went running often enough after school, that he didn't feel jealous.

Man, I sound like a girl when I think like this.
Derek reprimanded himself and picked up his pace to drum out his obsessive thinking. Pacing his breathing, he focused on the thrum of his feet as they connected with the sidewalk. He ran mindlessly for about ten minutes, watching the rowers on the river practicing for the Charles Regatta.

The day was unseasonably warm, and there were people littered about on the bank of the river listening to music or eating. A few kids were tossing a Frisbee, and a little boy was throwing a stick for his dog to fetch and retrieve. A couple was sitting on a blanket by the water's edge. They were sitting side by side, both staring at the water, their fingers intertwined on the ground between them. The man leaned over and kissed the woman on the cheek and she turned in response to kiss him on the lips.