Wrestling With Desire (6 page)

After a while, I lost track of how far I had gone or how long I had been running. It's kind of the same as what you described in terms of the lulling sensation. In the absence of knowing exactly where you are, you can focus on other things."

Derek examined the mixture of emotions that were playing out inside his head. On the one hand, he could sense the sadness that lingered behind Scott's words and body language. Especially when he talked about his family or his home in Iowa. On the other hand, Scott was so free and open with his feelings. There was no hesitation or awkwardness as he spoke about the fact that he enjoyed the time to just
think.
Derek decided to chance asking about his mood. "Has anyone ever told you that you seem to be both upbeat and slightly down at the same time?"

Scott's lips thinned into a tight line and Derek felt his gut clench. Mentally kicking himself in the ass, he waited until Scott responded, expecting him to start running in the other direction or worse, not to respond at all.

Finally, the tension in Scott's face eased as if he had made up his mind about something and he seemed more relaxed than he had all day. "No. No one has actually said that to me.

But that doesn't mean it's not true. It just means that nobody has paid enough attention to notice."

Watching Scott through his peripheral vision, Derek saw that a smile was creeping across his face. It was a sly half 48

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smile and Derek had to concentrate to keep from tripping over his own feet. Scott was like a pendulum, his mood swinging this way then that way. It was enough to cause Derek to feel dizzy.

After a few more minutes of silent running, Scott slowed the pace a little. "You know. That was pretty brave of you."

Not knowing what Scott was referring to Derek simply smiled.

"You know, coming right out and saying that to me? I know I can be moody, but no one seems to say anything to me about it. Sometimes I feel completely alone; like no one knows who I am or really cares."

The words sank into Derek's mind slowly. He had no idea what it felt like to feel alone. Always surrounded by friends, always popular, always having the support of his parents. It became very clear that Scott had experienced things that Derek knew nothing about. Not knowing what to say, he simply spurted the first question that came to his mind. "So, what are your parents like?"

The silence that followed was thick. Derek wished he could take back the question; go back to some lighter topic of conversation. When Scott spoke, his voice sounded tired, almost resigned. "My dad is away a lot. He manages several stores across a wide regional area. In fact, he's up in New Hampshire right now meeting with the regional HR reps for Target. He won't be home until the weekend. Mom works for an insurance company and keeps a nine to five schedule. She doesn't need to work, but she likes to. She wanted to take some time off so that she could be home for me, knowing I wouldn't have my regular distraction of friends, but I told her 49

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that was silly and that I could take care of myself. I knew she wouldn't be happy if she didn't have something to occupy her time, especially since Dad is away so much."

"Wow, you're very understanding of your parents aren't you? I'd probably be throwing a tantrum and making my parents feel all sorts of guilt if they made me move." Hearing his words as they came out of his mouth, Derek winced. In comparison to Scott, he seemed like a brat. He did his best to recover. "But, my parents have always been pretty cool, so I guess I would get over it pretty quickly."

Scott smiled. "Oh, don't think I haven't given my parents plenty of
shit
over moving. I just did most of it before the move. Now that we're here, there's not much I can do, and there's no point to making all of our lives miserable over something that can't be changed."

"Again, very understanding of you." Admiration intensified within Derek as he listened to Scott, but he could also sense a different feeling along with the admiration. It darted about like a butterfly and Derek couldn't quite grasp what the other feeling was. One thing he knew, Scott was unlike anyone he had ever met before. He was able to look at things in a practical way. He was able to put his parents' needs before his own. And, Derek realized, he wants to spend time with
me.
The realization filled his lungs with fresh air. It filled his mind with images of the two of them together. It filled his heart with longing and desire.
Pride.
That was the other feeling he felt along with admiration. Derek felt proud to be someone that Scott wanted to spend time with.

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Even though he was still kicking himself for asking about Scott's parents, it did seem that Scott really cared about his mom. Maybe that was a safer topic to ask about. "Sounds like you really care for your mom a lot. You know, worrying that she would be unhappy even when she wanted to put things on hold to be there for you."

Scott's mood shifted immediately, his eyes brightening, and Derek felt his own mood lift with Scott's. "She is one of a kind. Although she works one of the world's most boring jobs, she would tell you that herself by the way, my mom is really quite an interesting person. She is an avid reader, loves crossword puzzles, and we play the meanest game of Scrabble you have ever seen."

Derek laughed at this admission and, after a moment, Scott joined him. Over the course of the run, Scott had shifted. At the beginning, he had been guarded, reserved.

Now he was babbling on about crossword puzzles and Scrabble. "What about your dad?"

Scott's body language resumed the subdued manner it had at the beginning of their run. "He works really hard and takes great pride in providing for our family. I think it bothers him that he has to be away from us so much and I know he doesn't like the fact that his job causes us to move around. I don't really know him as well as I know my mom."

They picked up their pace a little and Derek focused on adjusting his breathing. A whirlwind of thoughts and feelings were spinning inside his head and the run wasn't helping him to sort through them. One thing he knew, without question.

He knew it down to the tips of his fingers and toes. He 51

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wanted to get to know Scott better. Scott was complex, he was emotional, and he was worth knowing.

After a while Scott broke the silence, his mood brighter than it had been moments earlier. "So, aside from wrestling and running, what other things do you get into?"

When Derek turned his head to look at Scott, he stumbled and almost fell. Scott had a sheen of sweat forming on his forehead and a few rivulets were dripping down his temples and his cheeks. His arms and upper chest were also covered in a thin layer of wetness that captured the sun and reflected brightly off him. Every ridge and bulge of muscle was caught perfectly in the light, casting shadows which only helped to accentuate the lithe form running next to him. It took him a moment before he was able to form words.

Finally, after what felt like an embarrassingly long pause, his brain kicked in. "Well, I love to read, particularly science fiction. But I'd have to say that my favorite thing is listening to and mixing music. I love all music except for country and rap, and even that is beginning to grow on me now."

Scott turned his head towards Derek. "What are you listening to right now in your stereo?"

Once again, the question caught Derek off guard. But this time it wasn't because he was ogling Scott. It was that he was impressed with the question. Most people would just nod or not even pay attention to someone talking about their interest in music. Not Scott. He wanted to know what he was listening to right now in his stereo. Derek cut off his thinking abruptly, realizing that once again, there had been an extended pause before he answered. "Um, last night I went to 52

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bed listening to John Mayer's
Continuum
. I love musicians with a sort of folk rock feel to their music. You know, like Howie Day or Gavin Degraw..."

Scott's face lit up. "Or Guster. Or Counting Crows."

Derek's head snapped towards Scott who had a wide grin on his face and was looking back at him. "Exactly like them.

Third Eye Blind. Five For Fighting..."

Scott continued the list. "Maroon 5. Dishwalla."

"Wait! You know Dishwalla? I've never met anyone who knows Dishwalla. They're one of those bands who are awesome, but nobody's ever heard of them. I'm seriously impressed with your knowledge base. It sounds like we have the same taste in music." Derek felt a warm tingle run up and down his body at the realization. Most of his friends were into thumpa-thumpa dance music or harder rock bands.

"So you said you like to mix music as well? What kinds of stuff do you mix?" Scott had picked up the pace. Derek's speech was interrupted by slightly labored breathing. "Hold on, the Foot Bridge is coming up. We need to cross over the bridge so that we can head back for the final stretch of the run."

"Why do they call it a Foot Bridge?" Scott asked.

"Because most of the bridges along the Charles allow cars to drive on them to cross the river, but this one is purely a pedestrian bridge. Thus its name, The Foot Bridge."

"Straightforward enough." They crossed the bridge and fell into sync, running on the sidewalk along Memorial Drive heading west back toward the school. "So, what kind of stuff do you mix?"

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"I usually mix dance stuff for parties." Derek's father had carved out a space for him a few years back so that he could set up his mixing equipment and music. He had said it was to show support for Derek's passions, but Derek knew that his father was sick of listening to the noise from down the hall.

Whatever the reason, Derek loved the attic and spent most of his time there when he was home. "I try to keep a low profile most of the time. You know, at school I don't like to be noticed. But when I mix it's different. I don't mind the attention then." His chest swelled thinking about his mixing and he began to run faster without realizing it.

Scott kept up easily, matching Derek stride for stride. After a while he turned his head and looked at Derek with interest.

Derek was still lost in thought, so when he turned and saw Scott looking at him, it caught him off guard. "What is it?"

"Nothing really," Scott said, "Just, you said you don't like to draw attention to yourself. Why is that?"

Derek was glad that they were running because he was sure that if he had been rested the rush of red that flowed into his cheeks would have been obvious. It wasn't like him to just say revealing things about himself, especially things like that. "Uh, well, I don't really know exactly. I've always kind of been like that. Having a friend like Beck sort of necessitates having a back-seat personality. But more than that, I've noticed that kids who try to be popular end up abusing their popularity or alienating themselves. I figure that as long as I am doing things I like to do and I'm doing them with people I like, that's good enough for me." It was a decent response, and the truth. What surprised Derek was how enjoyable it felt 54

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to talk so freely with Scott. He had known him for less than a day, yet telling him about the things that mattered most to him, about his thoughts and feelings, seemed natural and easy. "It's helped to prevent me from becoming the center of the gossip mill at school. Does that make any sense?"

"It makes perfect sense. You have to know yourself pretty well to be confident enough to actively try
not
to be noticed."

The way Scott said it, the clear admiration and respect in his voice, sent a shiver up Derek's spine. The pride he had identified earlier surged up and filled him to the point of bursting. It was a fleeting sensation and was quickly replaced by another feeling he had experienced earlier. Guilt. He felt like he was lying.

Derek knew that he wasn't nearly as comfortable with himself as Scott seemed to think. Only Beck knew the real reason he kept his personal life personal. With Scott sharing such personal information, Derek felt even worse knowing that he was keeping things to himself. He started pumping his arms faster and picked up the pace. Scott kept up, but they both ran in silence, focusing on finishing the run and their breathing.

Derek felt like scrubbing his brain with soap, cleansing it of the thoughts rushing at him all at once. His gut was telling him to be honest with Scott, to just tell him that he was gay and see how he reacted. His head was telling him to keep doing what he always did, which was to keep a low profile.

Keep the secret at all costs. His heart was telling him that he couldn't keep the secret for much longer. He was ready to find someone to share something more with. More than what 55

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he was able to share with Beck. He loved her, but it wasn't the kind of love he dreamed about at night. It wasn't
in-love
love.

As they reached the final bridge of their run, Derek picked up the pace even more. With each step, tension drained out of him. His focus narrowed to only his body and his breathing.

This was why he loved running. Not just to get in shape, but to clear his head. To calm his typically overactive mind.

Running just short of a sprint for the last few hundred yards, they both collapsed on the grass by the bridge across the street from their school.

Gasping to take air into his lungs, Derek stared up at the sky. Once he had caught his breath and his heart stopped racing, he sat up and started stretching his tired and burning leg muscles. Scott did the same. They were facing each other as they stretched and looked up at the same time. Derek first noticed the pulsing of Scott's heartbeat along the length of his now dripping neck. Watching Scott's neck thrum sent Derek's blood rapidly rushing south. There was something incredibly sexy about looking at Scott, shiny with sweat and spent from exertion. Then, without knowing how it happened, they locked gazes and he found himself staring into those blue-green eyes. Scott's look was penetrating, searing, and...something else. His focus was centered directly on Derek and there was no hint of uncertainty or discomfort.