Wrestling With Desire (2 page)

Derek felt a thrill of heat run through his body as Scott addressed him. "No problem. I wouldn't want to be standing up there any longer than I had to." He then motioned to 12

Wrestling With Desire

by D.H. Starr

Beck. "This is my friend Rebecca," Derek said, leaning back in his chair and allowing Beck to extend her hand across his chest to shake Scott's hand. As she did, she gave Derek a meaningful glance which said
you've got the hots for this one.

Derek returned the look with a penetrating stare which said
if
you don't cut the shit, I'm gonna kill you.

Mr. Carlton took a stack of papers from his desk and handed them to each person sitting in the front row. "If you could please pass these back, we will begin by reviewing this year's syllabus and the required books you will be reading."

* * * *

At the end of class, Derek looked at Scott's welcome sheet which gave him basic information about Brampton and had his assigned locker number written in the space provided on the front. It turned out that his locker was near Derek and Beck's.
Nice.

"You must be pretty bummed out. Changing schools in your senior year sucks." Derek tried to make his comment sound casual, but his heart was racing as he walked next to Scott. He faced forward, but was beginning to give himself a headache with the strain he was placing on his eyes through the sideways glances he was giving Scott every five seconds.

Scott's shoulders sagged slightly, but his voice remained cheerful. "Yeah, it does. But I'm used to it. My family has moved around a lot." Derek gave Scott a questioning look and Scott continued. "My dad works in Human Resources for Target and has moved up the corporate ladder. He was manager of the Des Moines area stores and just got promoted 13

Wrestling With Desire

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to oversee the northeastern regional stores. It was a pretty big promotion and difficult for him to pass up. I understand and all, but it's not the first time that my dad has had to move in order to accept a promotion with his job."

"Wow. That sucks. I've lived here in Cambridge my whole life. I can't imagine what it would be like to up and move my whole life to someplace else. Plus, I have a lifetime of friends here and my wrestling team which I love. I just couldn't imagine it." Derek realized that he was prattling on with someone he hardly knew and suddenly felt uncomfortable.

Opening up and volunteering information did not fit nicely into his low-profile comfort zone. He continued walking towards Scott's calculus class to show him where it was. It was in the same direction as his pre-calculus class anyways.

The tone of Scott's voice pulled Derek out of his momentary retreat into his head. "You wrestle?"

"I absolutely love it. It's one of the only sports I know where you are part of a team but it's still an individual sport.

Whatever you do helps your team succeed, but when you are on the mat you have to depend entirely on yourself. When you're on the mat it's you, your opponent, and the will to win." Again, he couldn't believe how much he was sharing with a total stranger.
I wonder why that is
.

"You wrestle! That's awesome." Scott's body language shifted and he was suddenly smiling broadly and speaking with animation. "I wrestle as well. I was on the varsity team back in Monroe and was even elected captain for senior year.

I actually wrote a paper for a local contest last year about how a wrestling match is like facing major life challenges. It's 14

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about your attitude. If you believe you can win and commit yourself to giving your all, then win or lose, you come out of it having grown in some way. How is the team here?"

Most people, at least those who didn't wrestle, usually thought of wrestling as a gay sport where guys rolled around on the mat together. Derek was impressed that Scott not only got the sport, but saw it as more than winning and showing how tough you are physically. He got that it was a sport that required mental toughness as well. "Our team has been getting better and better over the past few years. When I was in 9th grade we sucked and barely won anything. But a core group of us have been on varsity for the past three years and now we are in the top three in our division. We actually have a good chance of winning this year. I usually run throughout the fall to get into shape for the winter season." Derek hadn't noticed that he had moved closer to Scott until their arms brushed together. He quickly took a step back, feeling slightly dizzy as he registered the fresh scent of fabric softener coming off of Scott's shirt.

As they turned the final corner to Scott's calculus class, Derek felt his chest grow a little heavier. He wasn't exactly sure what caused it until they reached the classroom door.

Then it hit him. He wanted to keep talking to Scott.
What's
going on here? I never just meet someone and start talking to
them
.

Needing to get away so that he could clear his head, but wanting to make sure that he was going to see Scott again later, Derek quickly made plans before it was time to head to their second period classes. "Hey, all seniors have fourth 15

Wrestling With Desire

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period lunch. If you want, I could meet you at the cafeteria and introduce you to Brampton's infamous beef stew. It's got to be on the list of top ten most toxic food items for high school lunches in the country."

Scott laughed. His smile was wide and Derek noticed how one side of his mouth curled up a little bit more than the other, revealing strong white teeth and a dimple which immediately drew his attention. "Sure, I may as well eat the toxic stuff right away. Maybe I can build up a resistance to it before it can kill me."

"Cool." Derek felt tension he hadn't realized had been there fall out of his shoulders and his breathing suddenly came more easily. He needed to get a grip, and fast. "So, you know where your next class is?"

"All set, it's just down the hall from here, right?"

"Yup. I'll see you at lunch." Derek turned and headed towards his pre-calculus class a little more abruptly than he normally would have. He and Beck had most of their classes together this year and he needed to see her. Sitting in the back of the class with her would calm his strained nerves and help him to get his thoughts back in order.

* * * *

When Derek got to class, he rushed to Beck's side and sat down in the seat she had reserved for him. "Beck, I need to run something by you, and I need to get it out before you start one of your stories."

Beck flashed an indignant look of pure offense. Then her mouth curved up at the sides. "Sure babe. No need to get 16

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prissy. I know I love to be the center of attention, but every once in a while I am capable of listening to someone else."

She paused, as if she were waiting for Derek to confirm the statement. When Derek said nothing, she huffed and settled into her seat so she was facing him. "The way you were staring at that new kid today, I bet I only need one guess to know what this will be about."

Derek let out a chuckle. "You see, Beck, that's what I love about you. You always know what I need to talk about."

Already, Derek felt more like himself. "Ok, so I just walked him to class and I couldn't shut up. I mean, I was babbling on and on and barely let him get a word in edgewise."

"Hang on, I want to hear which part of him you are obsessing about right now. Is it those amazing eyes, his crazy sexy hair, his...?"

"Beck, I said I needed to talk without your interruptions."

"Right, sorry. Do go on." She flashed him a sheepish grin.

Derek sighed and rolled his eyes. "Ok, so it was none of those things. We actually talked about wrestling." Beck shook her head. Derek didn't need her to speak to know that she was getting ready to suffer through a sports oriented-conversation, which she occasionally tolerated, but never enjoyed. "So anyway, he wrestled in Iowa and was apparently pretty good. His team elected him captain for his senior year.

But what got me was the
way
he was talking about wrestling."

"What do you mean the
way
he talked about wrestling?

You guys all talk about it the same way."

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"Beck! No interruptions." Derek gave her a half-serious look which told her that he wasn't annoyed but wanted to finish. Beck's face took on a brief look of offense, and then softened as she meaningfully closed her mouth, using her fingers to lock her lips and throw away the key. Derek placed his hand on her arm. "I mean, he gets that wrestling is more than learning new moves and showing everyone how tough you are. He gets that it's also about drawing from within yourself and facing an adversary with courage, head-on."

Beck never quite understood Derek's passion about the sport, but she did admire his perspective on what it meant to him. Sure, sports helped boys to blow off energy. It made them popular and defined their bodies, something she enjoyed as an effect of athletics for men. But none of the boys talked about sports the way Derek did. She thought it was interesting that this new kid would. "So, what exactly are you asking me, Derek?"

"Well, let's look at the facts. I just met him, yet immediately felt comfortable telling him things about myself.

He shares my passion for wrestling and in the same way I do." As he was speaking, Beck noticed that he was becoming more animated and a sparkle was beginning to dance in his eyes.

"Hey, slow down a minute. What I think is that you need to be careful. You're out to me, but you have been careful to ensure that no one else even suspects that you're gay here at school. You haven't even kissed another boy..."

"That's not true. I kissed..."

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Wrestling With Desire

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Beck cut him off. "Billy Fullan doesn't count. That was in kindergarten and you only kissed him on the cheek because he gave you that retarded transformer you had been dying to get in your McDonald's happy meal box."

"Hey!" Derek retorted, giggling a bit and realizing she was right, "That transformer rounded out my collection and I would have done anything to have it."

Rebecca rolled her eyes and stared at him. "May I continue?" Derek remained silent and gave her a demure look through his eyelashes. "Thank you. All I am saying is that you should be careful. You don't know anything about this guy and as long as I've known you, you have been private and guarded. You're one of the most reserved friends I have ever had. I know we live in Cambridge, Massachusetts, liberal center of the universe, but we're also in high school and I would hate to see you ruin your senior year by moving too quickly and letting something out that you may regret later.

I'm not saying that I don't want you to be happy, because you know I do, but I don't want to see you get hurt either.

And you hang out with jocks. They aren't notorious for being gay-friendly."

Derek knew she was right. "Ok, so I'm semi-closeted..."

Beck's lips thinned into tiny lines. "I mean, I'm only out to you. Is that better?" Beck's lips relaxed into a self-satisfied smile. "So, what do I do with this feeling like I can't wait until lunch to see Scott? How do I prevent myself from being totally obvious or from making an ass out of myself? If this is what it feels like to like someone, how the hell can anyone handle it?"

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Wrestling With Desire

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Beck took in Derek's behavior with unusual silence. She had never seen him like this before, with his emotions unhinged. A part of her felt warm and fuzzy. She knew how wonderful Derek was and wanted so badly for him to find someone. Here he was, finally showing interest in someone.

At the same time, she couldn't help but feel concerned as well.
Who is this new guy Scott Thayer and will he be
receptive to Derek?

There was only one way to begin figuring that out. "You said you are having lunch together right? Well, I'm joining you."

Derek's eyes lit up. "You've just moved into detective mode haven't you?"

She turned to glance at him and blinked her eyes rapidly.

"Who me? I have no idea what you are talking about. Today is beef stew day and I certainly don't want to miss the chance to watch a newbie try that toxic waste."

Derek shoved Beck's shoulder then kissed her cheek.

"Thanks Beck. You're the best."

"I know. They don't make them better than me."

Just then the second bell rang signaling the beginning of class and Ms. Ritter, their pre-calculus teacher, started calling off names from her attendance record.

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Wrestling With Desire

by D.H. Starr

Chapter 2

Class dragged as Derek's mind focused on lunch and seeing Scott again. He had crushed on guys plenty of times before, but this was different and it bothered him. The guys he had fantasies about were friends who had girlfriends. They were unattainable and made for good masturbation material.

But this excitement was different. It was a nervous anticipation that caused him to squirm in his seat, fidget with his pencil, and gaze around the room, most frequently at the clock. Third period science was no different, but finally the bell rang at 11:20. Derek bounded out of his seat, knocking his chair over in the process.

Beck, who shared Derek's third period class as well, got up and turned to Derek with a look of amused annoyance. "Hon, it's lunch, not a date. You were moving around so much during class, I thought I was going to get motion sickness just sitting next to you. Calm down or you're gonna make an ass of yourself." She smiled a sincere, warm smile and hooked her arm inside his, leading him out of the class. The simple act calmed Derek. He was relieved to have her with him. "By the way, smooth move back there knocking over the chair."

"Shut it, Beck!" They walked to their lockers in silence, dropped their science books off and grabbed their books for Latin, the class they shared after lunch. Derek looked down the hall towards Scott's locker, but he wasn't there. "I told 21