Authors: Margaret McHeyzer
“Hi, how can I help you?” she says in a pleasant and upbeat voice.
“Checking out please.” I hand over the room key to her. “And I accidently broke a glass tumbler.”
She taps away at the keyboard and looks up at me and smiles.
“I tried calling you to let you know that check out was approaching, but you’re here now so all’s great. Did you enjoy your stay?”
“Yes, thank you. I got exactly what I needed here.” I smile at her and she responds warmly.
She slides the slip across to me to sign and then checks the signature against my credit card.
“Have a great day and thank you for staying at Holiday Inn.”
When I turn and walk away the only thing I can think of is to get home and sleep this pounding headache off.
Walking in my front door I’m met with the usual isolation and stoic silence that encompasses my every single day.
I don’t bother with Wednesday, today’s just a write off. I can’t make my body or my mind do anything because I don’t have the fight left in me anymore.
Dragging my listless and emotionally aged body to bed, I do the only thing I can. I fall into a nightmare filled slumber.
As I toss and turn, the seconds of time slowly drag into minutes that morph into hours.
I can hear pounding at my front door, but I choose to ignore it and willow in self-hatred and sorrow.
My phone eventually dies from lack of charge, which is the only thing to make it shut up.
Finally I hear…. Nothing.
My mind eventually finds the serenity of peace. The demons from within have been silenced, I hope they remain quiet for enough time to let me rest and think about what it is that I need.
Sleep.
Glorious slumber.
I awake on Thursday morning with a headache and hunger.
Looking at the time it’s 5am and I need to get ready for work. I know that today I’ll be called into the Commander’s office and be counselled for failure to report yesterday.
But I’ve never done that before either.
I have a shower and dress in my uniform, ready to see today through.
Driving to the base, I find a new found quiet from within.
My thoughts aren’t clouded with anything, not Stella, or Mason, or Lucy or
him
.
There’s nothing but silence that envelops me, maybe my friend helped me bury everything so deep inside that they’ll never resurface again.
Doubtful, but I’m hoping.
When I get to base I walk to my office and Amanda stands straight away and looks at me with tears in her eyes.
“Sergeant Major, the Battalion Commander needs you in his office,” Amanda says without her usual flirting way.
Why would he want to see me?
I put my work bag in my office and go to the stair way, taking the steps two at a time until I get to Sir’s office.
“You’re expected, Sergeant Major. Please take a seat,” The Private that’s sitting behind the desk says.
I opt to stand and wait to be told to go into the Battalion Commander’s office.
Within moments, the Private instructs me to enter.
I take one huge gulp of breath and open the door not really sure what to expect when I get inside.
“Sergeant Major, please come in.” He waves his hand at the seat opposite him.
I sit down and wait for him to start.
“Private First Class Jonathon Holdings has been killed while on deployment.”
Instantly my heart stops beating, I start to sweat and a tremble rocks my very core. The quiet that had been present inside suddenly finds its end and the demons scream at me, ‘It should’ve been you.’
“You understand what needs to happen?” His words hush the demonic voices that are screaming at me.
“Yes, Sir.”
“Dismissed,” he says to me with a wave of his hand as he looks back down at his paperwork.
As I take the steps back to my office, I keep the angered beasts calm by focusing on a mental check list of the tasks that I need to do before the memorial service for Jonathon.
Amanda’s sitting at her desk and stands the moment she sees me.
“I’m sorry, Ryan, it must be…”
“Sergeant Major, we’re not friends and you may only address me by my rank.”
“Oh,” she says as her face flushes red. “I’m sorry, Sergeant Major.” She regains her composure and straightens her back.
I spend the rest of the day liaising and assisting in the preparations of the memorial service.
When I get in my car to drive home, it’s then that the angry demons return.
You’re not worth it, Ryan
– they scream at me.
End it now
– they burn through my veins.
“Let me fuck your mouth, boy,”
he says in a hushed tone.
I hate myself.
“Wake up and suck me off you useless piece of shit,”
he
whispers as he’s shaking me to wake up.
Before I even realize I’m out of my parked car and walking toward one of the bridges that doesn’t see a lot of traffic. Water runs shallow below, but the drop’s quite significant and could easily kill.
Perfect.
Hopefully the demons will be silenced for good.
As I sit on the edge of the bridge, the angry darkness fights from being buried and breaks through.
There’s an ear piercing, blood curdling scream that’s been expelled from deep within my lungs. The ache that’s coming from my body is numbing me to everything around.
“It should’ve been me!” I shout with ferocity and anger that reaches into every part of my broken body. My throat’s all scratchy from the intensity of the yelling.
“I should’ve died.”
I inhale a large breath ready to scream at the world again.
“I’ve brought a friend home tonight, he wants to play too.”
I sob into my hands with the painful recollection of the beast and the things
he
did to me.
Between my fingers I notice my legs dangling freely over the edge of the bridge. The water’s flowing fairly rapidly and I can see how it cuts away at the large rocks and stones that stand in its way.
I can free myself from the anger and the hurt and I can release the demons inside. All I need to do is take that one small step off the bridge. Peace would finally embody my broken and damaged soul and I could just
rest
.
Silencing them would liberate me.
Free me from hurt.
Clear me from shame.
I could finally escape the evil and shatter the chains that have bound me to my past.
I look toward the trees swaying in the distance and notice how tall and regal they stand. They move together in a slow dance waiting for their instructions to come from the wind around them.
Their moves are stunningly synchronized and I can’t help but feel envy that they know their place and understand what’s asked of them.
I stretch my arms out and move forward, just letting the wind mingle around me. Maybe the gust of air will answer my prayers and tip me over the edge without me having to take the courageous first and last step.
I close my eyes and let the world fade away from the torment and sorrow I feel.
“Daddy.” I snap my eyes open and see Lucy’s sitting beside me.
“Lani, what are you doing?” I ask her as I move my arms to envelop her in a protective embrace.
“You needed me, so I had to come,” she says as she stares at me.
“Does mom know you’re here?”
“I know what happened to you when you were my age. I can see it in your eyes.” Lucy’s mouth curves up to a small pleading smile.
Fuck, my daughter knows what happened? I never wanted her to be aware. I never wanted anyone to learn, because no one would understand.
“You know? I’m sorry, you must be so ashamed of me.” I bring my hands up to my face and then rake them through my hair.
“It’s not your fault, you were only a kid. You couldn’t have stopped it even if you wanted to.”
“Lani, you don’t understand. I should’ve fought harder.”
“You did,” she answers with certainty.
“I should’ve screamed louder.”
“You did, Dad.”
“I should’ve told someone.”
“You did that too, Daddy.”
I look into her eyes for clarity, desperate for her to tell me what she knows.
I never told anyone because I was scared that Damien would harm them. He always told me that he’d kill my mother if I told her.
“I never breathed a word to anyone, Lucy.”
“You’d tell grandpa. When Damien was doing those things to you after a while you’d disappear and talk to grandpa. He tried to help you by taking you away when Damien was hurting you.”
I flashback to when the abuse was horrific and I couldn’t tolerate the toys or the men that Damien paraded through. They’d pay him to have me and he’d watch as they did things to me that was buried so deep that I’d blanked them out.
Instantly bile rises and I lean over and throw up the contents of my stomach.
“You’d forgotten, but now you remember,” Lucy says.
“How do you know these things?” I look to her and see nothing but love in her eyes.
“You need to find forgiveness.”
“I don’t understand, how do you know these things?” I ask again.
“Stella will help you, and I’ll help you too.”
“Lucy…” Tears that I was holding back have broken through and are now free falling and clinging to my cheeks.
“I have to go. Don’t let him take you from me and don’t let him ruin your life.” She stands up and takes one step away from me.
“Lucy…”
“You need to help yourself, and then you’ll find you’ll want to help other boys. Boys like you, boys that feel so hopeless and lost who also stand on their own bridge wanting to end their life and die.”
“Lucy, wait!” I shout at her as she takes another step away.
“I know these things because I’m not really here. I’m up in your mind, like it was when you used to talk to grandpa. But help yourself, Dad, because I want you to walk me down the aisle when I get married and I want you to hold your first grandchild when the time comes. I love you.”
Staring through the tears as Lucy walks away she simply vanishes from sight and from me.
I turn around and peer out to the water and draw my legs up from over the edge.
I’m not sure how much longer I sit out on the bridge but dusk is quickly over taken by a moonlit dark that casts shadows over the trees.
As I get back into my car and head home, all I can think about is Lucy.
“B…” I start to say but the word gets stuck in my throat.
“B…” I attempt again.
It’s just a word. Nothing more and nothing less, it’s a small three letter word.
“B…” My throat constricts and my stomach knots.
I pull into the driveway at home and just sit in my car, willing myself to say the fucking word.
“Boy,” I say with a huge exhale.
The moment the word passes my lips I feel a shudder rip through my body. I tighten my hands on the steering wheel and hold my breath in, in anticipation of the evil forces behind the word to show themselves and consume me.
I wait for the devil to rise from hell and become apparent.
But nothing happens.
“Boy,” I say in a whisper and look around to see if the soul sucking demons are charging at me.
Again, nothing happens.
“Boy,” I say quite loudly however my confidence is still small.
A huge relief washes over me, because now I can say the word without immediately referring it back to
him
. Maybe I can get past this. Maybe I just need help.
As I unlock the front door I go directly to my phone that I left on charge.
Countless voice mail and calls from Stella are blinking at me.
I call her phone and she answers it on the first ring.
“Where the fuck have you been, Ryan? I’ve been to your house, I’ve left I don’t know how many messages for you. You told…”
“Master,” I say into the phone.
She pauses for a moment and I hear Stella clear her throat slightly.
I can imagine her shifting her weight and straightening her back as she assesses my word. She knows that I’m calling on her strength and guidance.
“Leave the front unlocked, be undressed and in waiting position by the door. I’ll be there within the hour,” her tone’s switched into that strong dominant voice she uses when she commands me.
“Yes, Master.”
Chapter 19
With my forehead to the ground and my hands palm side up I wait for my Master to arrive.
I listen to all the sounds that sing together but pay special attention to the car that pulls into the driveway.
Taking a large breath in through my nose and then out through my mouth, I trust in my Master to look after me.
My body tightens in anticipation of my Master and her requirements.
She takes the three steps up to the front and I listen as she pulls the screen door open then turns the handle and pushes the door to step through.
With total silence she closes them and comes to stand in front of me.
“Don’t you look totally alluring in this position,” she says as she caresses my head.
I let out a small sigh and move my head to relax into her touch.
“You pleased me by calling.”
I close my eyes and listen at the depth of her voice as she talks to me in her dominating tone.
“Ready position,” she says.
I sit up on my heels and I’m ready for her to tell me what I need.
“Boy.”
Small tremors shake my body but I push past them and mute
his
voice that’s bursting to come though.
“Look at me.” I breathe in a deep breath and follow her lean body up to her eyes. Her green orbs look intimidating and fucking scary but I also know that she’s going to give me what I need.
“I’m going to do what I want right now. But first tell me your safe words, boy.” The hair on the back of neck stands as she says
that
word.
But I’m fighting it and won’t let it rule me any longer.
“Red is stop all play, yellow is for you to proceed with caution and green means I’m fine.”