Authors: Margaret McHeyzer
Fuck it, I can end it all right now and not feel any more confusion, or any more pain.
I’ll never have to remember what
he
did to me, and I’ll never have to look at myself in the mirror again with the knowledge that I’m completely ruined.
Fuck it.
Fuck it!
Fuck him.
Fuck this life.
I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t keep going.
I stand and pick up the chair I was sitting on, I throw it with every ounce of power I have and it hits the wall and the legs explode with one hurtling toward the window. The useless chair falls to the floor and lays hopelessly in pieces.
Fuck it.
Picking my TV up, I smash it with all my energy to the ground.
Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
I hate it.
I topple the book case over and all my books scatter and spread like the worthless junk they are.
Like I am, insignificant and nothing.
“Ryan,” Mason swings the door open and yells at me.
I turn and see him standing inside my room; he looks completely bewildered and utterly stunned.
I can’t even hear myself speaking, the rage has taken over and I know I’m yelling, but I don’t know what I’m saying.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate
him
.
I hate them all.
I pick up the closest thing to me and I throw it at Mason, he moves to the side and it hits the door jamb and smashes into tiny pieces.
I can’t control it; I can’t seem to make myself stop.
I don’t want to make myself stop, I just want to hit.
My eyes turn to finds Masons’, and it’s right at that moment that I want to smash him.
It’s his fault I’m so desperate to kiss him, it’s his fault that I want to feel what his touch is like and it’s his fault I want to taste him.
I can see his mouth opening and closing, but I can’t fucking hear a word he’s saying.
I run for Mason, and he takes a step back as he brings his hands up in a defensive state.
“Ryan, you’re safe here,” he says.
Those words stop me dead in my tracks. I’m within inches of punching him, my hand’s balled up in a fist and I’ve pulled it back ready to pound his pretty boy movie star face in.
“You’re safe here. No one can hurt you,” he confidently says as he takes a step closer to me.
I’m shaking my head no, not believing what he’s saying.
Everyone can hurt me.
“You’re safe, Ryan. I won’t let him hurt you,” Mason whispers as he takes another step closer.
What’s happening to me?
Why are his words so significant?
“Let me help you.” Mason’s arms come up and he’s wrapped them around me in a tight embrace.
I try to break away, but he just restricts his grip. I fight it, this damn connection.
“I’ll protect you, you’re safe,” he says in a hushed tone.
I’m still struggling, but I can feel resolve as my body begins to relax in Mason’s arms.
Mason kisses my forehead and I lose the slim hold of control I was barely holding on to.
My arms encircle him and I start crying.
The tears are falling as my spirit finally shatters.
I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay.
Mason and I fall to the ground together, but his arms don’t move from the protective cage around me.
He kisses my forehead again, and it feels so right and so comfortable being here entwined together.
I feel Mason shift his weight, and he manoeuvers me so I’m sitting on his lap. I can’t help but wrap my legs around his waist, just clinging to my lifeline, hoping he’ll never let me go.
The salt water running down my cheeks starts to dissipate, but I don’t dare move my head from the crook of his neck, he’s so warm and so safe.
Mason starts to move his arms up and down my back; the feel’s light and gentle and so comforting.
He kisses my cheek and he leaves his lips there a moment longer than he should as he pets my hair, caressing my head.
I turn a little to see him and it’s then that the impossible happens.
With a ghost of a touch, our lips meet.
“Mmm,” I moan as I tilt my head up.
“Ryan, I….” he mumbles against my mouth.
“Please,” I plead with him.
“Shhhh, I’ve got you.” And he tilts his own head down and tenderly presses a kiss to me.
I weave my hands through his long hair, as my fingers slowly massage the nape of his neck.
I’ve never voluntarily kissed a man before.
With the lightest of touches, he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and nips at it with his teeth.
Fuck me.
I open up and grant him access into my mouth,
and into my soul.
He moves his tongue inside my mouth, and slowly strokes my lips. I pull him closer to me, as I straighten my sitting position.
Now I’m sitting taller than him, and he’s forced to tilt his head up, open his mouth allowing me permission to kiss him.
His stubble scratches my face, and even though the sensation’s unknown, it’s certainly not unwelcomed.
The heat’s intensified as Mason’s hands find the front of my t-shirt and he pulls me closer to him.
We don’t fight for dominance as our mouths dance together.
We’re perfectly synchronized and in tune.
He nips.
I lick.
He sucks.
I growl.
He runs his tongue over my teeth and I almost cum in my pajamas.
I lick his top lip as he tenderly cradles my face in his strong hands.
Our kiss isn’t rushed; the exploration is slow, gracious and damn well sexy.
Mason pulls away and leans his forehead on mine as his thumbs are gently brushing my face.
“God, Ryan. I’ve wanted to do that for such a long time,” he says with his eyes closed.
“I’ve wanted it, too,” I confess to him.
“As much as I’d like to do more with you, I’m not allowed,” Mason admits.
“Not allowed?”
“Master would flog me if I did, she won’t be happy when I tell her what happened here.”
“Master?”
“Stella.”
Oh, Master.
“Why does she……” But Mason silences me from any more talking when he starts kissing me again.
He breaks contact from our perfectly swollen lips and trails his mouth down the center of my neck. Mason stops at my Adams apple and sucks on it, slowly swirling his tongue around it, causing my skin to break out in the smallest of goose bumps from sheer contentment.
His hands snake their way under my t-shirt and with silken fingers he sensually begins to stroke my nipples.
Mason’s mouth hungrily continues to worship my skin around my neck.
“Take your t-shirt off,” he mumbles against the apex of my neck.
Without delay, I bring it up over my head as Mason takes me in, with a fevered gaze.
“Can I kiss your chest, Ryan?”
“I’d like you do more than just kiss me.”
Fuck what am I saying?
I should be stopping this.
I’m not gay.
“Not tonight, but let me taste you,” Mason says as he laves his raspy tongue over my right nipple.
I arch my back and grip his hair, enslaving him to continue adoring my chest.
Immediately, I know this is exactly what I want. Maybe even, exactly what I need.
I think I might be gay.
I’ve never craved another man the way I want Mason.
Mason kisses his way over to my right nipple as his hands are around my back holding me tight to his mouth.
His tongue is scorching as he peeps it out to caress me.
The feeling’s that are coursing through me are enthralling and they’re quickly spiraling toward a release.
Mason bucks his hips up once and I cry out a wanton and husky sound as I feel his arousal press into mine.
I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t hold on any longer.
I push Mason to the soft plush carpet in my bedroom. I pin him with my hips, my hand starts palming his engorged cock through his boxers. I want to reach in and touch him, I want to taste him.
My lips leave his and I trail a fine line down his jaw toward his shoulder. Mason puts his arms above his head and closes his eyes.
“Kiss me, Ryan,” he sighs with submission.
Lifting his shirt my mouth finds his pierced nipples. Pleasuring them with my tongue as I flick the nipple ring then suck on his pert nipple, making Mason moan an arousing sound.
Slipping my tongue down the center of his stomach, I lap at the narrow trail that leads to the one part I’m so desperate to have.
I push his boxers down and Mason’s cock springs free.
And what an alluring and appetizing cock it is. He’s thick and long. He’s fleshy and I can see a perfect vein running the length of it. God, I want to lick that vein and take him in my mouth.
I lower my head and kiss the tip. Just a small kiss and take the pre-cum that’s gathering at the slit into my mouth.
“Hummm.” I know how good it feels to be on the receiving end of a hummer, so I do it knowing the shivers it’ll send up Mason’s spine.
Right on cue, he moans and slightly lifts his hips having me take more of him in my mouth.
I lick down his hard shaft and nip on his balls. Flattening my tongue I curl it up under his ball sac just lightly touching the skin. My nose is buried into him and I can smell his delicious aroma.
“You like it, boy.”
His
voice catapults forward in my mind and I break all contact with Mason’s thick and desperate cock.
Sitting back on my heels, I scrub my hand over my eyes.
“What’s wrong, Ry? Are you okay?” Mason asks as he sits up in front of me.
“Come here and let me fuck your mouth,”
his
voice says again.
I look at Mason, and he doesn’t look pissed at me. He looks concerned.
“I didn’t mean for you to do anything you didn’t want to. I thought this is what you wanted,” Mason says as he pulls his boxers up to cover himself and his t-shirt down.
“It’s just….” I start but I don’t know what else to say. I hang my head down because I’m an embarrassment to myself.
How do I tell Mason about what happened to me without having him look at me with sadness and pity in his eyes?
“Who hurt you? Who was it that ruined you?” he murmurs as he places a finger under my chin and tilts my head up to look in my eyes. “You’re dead inside, Ryan. You’ve been lifeless for a long time, you died many years ago.”
I look at him and can feel the tears threatening to break through.
My anger’s now completely dissolved; I’m just left with sorrow and hurt.
“It…. I….” I don’t know how to tell him.
“You don’t have to tell me now, Ryan, but soon I want to know who killed your spirit and took you away from me,” Mason says as he kisses my forehead.
“Soon,” I whisper as I embrace Mason while he comforts me.
We stay entangled for an immeasurable amount of time. Neither of us tears away from the other, we simply,
stay
.
“Ryan,” Mason says after a while.
“Yeah.”
“I’m gonna go back to my room, are you okay now?”
“Yeah.”
Don’t leave me, just hold me, please.
“Tomorrow’s Friday and I’m going to stay at Stella’s, alright?”
“Yeah.” I want to ask why, but I already know.
He’s likely ashamed of what almost happened.
“It’s not like that,” he answers like he can read my thoughts.
“Like what?”
“I want this, Ryan. But I need to get my thoughts right before anything happens. And, I need Stella to help me.”
“Alright.” I don’t even know what he’s saying.
“I’ll be back Saturday morning to take you and Lucy out.”
“Okay.” I don’t want him to go to Stella’s, I want him to stay, with me.
“I’m going back to my room now,” he says as he untwists our combined bodies. He steps away from me, and moves toward the door. But before he does, he takes the two returning steps, and with the slightest of touches he meets my lips.
He turns and walks out the door and disappears into his room.
I look at the mess and damage of my room, and decide to deal with it in the morning. I collapse in bed and close my eyes.
In my room tonight, I broke through some of my own demons.
I let myself feel, for the first time in years.
Desire overtook me, and I didn’t fight it.
Maybe I
am
gay.
Chapter 8
Friday morning’s here and I’ve barely slept a moment.
When I lay down to sleep, it was the last thing on my mind. Instead I was filled with images of Mason’s flawless face and body as it lay beneath me, waiting to be pleasured.
I finally gave up on any chance of slumber and decided to clean my room from the total and utter disarray I caused.
Remnants of how my life is.
Pushing Mason and Stella out of mind, I had to ensure that my home was ready for Lucy.
I was picking her up after work and the two of us were being taken out tomorrow by Mason.
When I left my room at 6am to head into the kitchen, there was a single piece of paper sitting on the kitchen bench. I picked it up, and knew that Mason had fled.
He’d wanted to get away from me.
His words last night must’ve been only for comfort, so I didn’t feel embarrassed about what had happened.
I pick the lonely paper up and start to read it out loud.
Ryan,
Before I lose my nerve, I want to tell you what last night meant to me.
It has to be one of the most freeing yet totally baffling experiences of my life.
I’ve not been with a man before, because I’ve only ever found one to be attractive, you. I’ve talked to Stella about you and even though she encouraged me to take the first step, she also warned me not to let it get past a kiss.
Truthfully, I think that, had you not stopped last night, there’d be no way I could’ve halted the sexy things you were doing to me with your mouth.
I’ve had a hunger for you since the day you slept at my house on my 15
th
birthday. I don’t know if you remember that night, but when I blew the candles out on the cake, you touched my arm to wish me a happy birthday and it was almost like a revelation for me.