Authors: Margaret McHeyzer
It’s been twenty-three years since the first night where
that
beast touched me. Twenty-three years of embarrassment and shame have followed and enveloped me. Twenty-three years have gone by where only one living being knows what happened, the beast that I didn’t get to kill.
The day I turned sixteen was the day I was going to kill him, it was also the day that my mom intervened and enrolled me into the army. I woke up that morning knowing I was going to take his life, but I went to bed that night in quarters with another twenty-nine males.
My mom couldn’t tolerate my behavior any longer, the fighting, the hatred I had against everyone, the dark words that I’d spit out at anyone that would listen. No one understood why I was like that, so I was shipped out with my mom packing my bags and taking me to the barracks herself.
That was also the best decision she could’ve made for me. In the seventeen years since I’ve been in the army, I’ve quickly raised through the ranks. I’m a Sergeant Major with a thousand men to command, this is the easy part. Being given orders and following them to a tee, then commanding my men in the way The United States Army has trained me to.
At work I’m totally in control, I expect absolute excellence and I certainly don’t tolerate ill behavior. The Army’s taught me patience and regulation. But no matter what I do, the moment I’m home and the uniform comes off, I can’t find that balance and I can’t bring that control over to my personal life.
I’m sure on the outside I look like a man that has it all, a person other men envy, someone others want to be, a man women want and somebody people would want in their existence.
But, I don’t wish my life on anyone.
My phone starts ringing, and all my now sluggish brain can do is look around from the chair I’ve sunk into and wonder where in this hell hole my phone is.
Throwing back the contents of the tumbler, I feel the burn slide down my throat. Its enticing temporary numbing ways makes me forget, even for a split second what exactly I’m looking for.
But it rings again, and this time I know that I need to answer it. It may be Joanna calling me about Lucy. Maybe Lucy’s hurt, maybe I need to get to Lucy quickly. My mind instantly clears and I jump out of the seat, because if I need to get to my daughter, then I don’t want to be in this preoccupied mindset. The phone stops ringing while I look for it, but starts again with the same non-descript ring tone. I finally find it, buried in the bottom of my work bag.
Looking at the screen it’s coming up a private number.
Thank god, it’s not Joanna.
“Hello.” My voice is all rough from the burn of the liquid that allows me a slither of sanity.
“Ryan, you sound like shit.”
“Mason, fuck man. The hell happened to you?” Mason Carter’s my best friend since I can remember. Actually he’s my only friend since I can remember.
“I’m back, I got a couple of weeks off from shooting and I’m back in town. You got Lucy this weekend?”
“Nah, Joanna has her. What have you got in mind?”
“I’m thinking of coming up for a few days, to spend some time with my best mate.
What do you think Ry, can you fit me into your busy schedule?” he says with a deep chuckle in his voice.
And my stomach does that little twist it always did when I’d hear Mason laugh. I’m not gay, I don’t do guys, but Mason being around me always evoked something. I noticed it after
he
told me
he
no longer wanted me. I mean that’s pretty fucked up right?
“Sounds great, you got somewhere to stay?” I can feel my own blood starting to pump a little harder through my body and my nerves beginning to tense.
“I was hoping on staying with you. Look, I’ve been invited to an awards event Saturday night. Wanna come as my plus one?” He lets out another chuckle.
“What the fuck, Mase. Really? Take a woman will ya?”
“She’s the one that told me to meet her there.” I feel a slight twinge of disappointment with his words. He has a woman? I should be over the moon, shouldn’t I?
“Oh, who is she?” I ask feigning happiness for him.
“I’ll tell you about it when I see you, bro. Gotta go, but I’ll be over on Friday. What time are you due home from work?”
“I’ll be back by 1700. I can leave a key with Kaitlyn next door if you’re coming earlier.”
“Nah, 5pm works for me, see you then.” He hangs up and I go over and sink back into my seat. I let the worn fabric of the chair scratch up against the backs of my legs as I replay the conversation I just had with my best friend.
I hear his voice again and my cock twinges in my shorts. Closing my eyes I try not to imagine how he looks.
The second last time I saw him he was detoxing and looked like shit, his straggly oily hair hung over his face, and his body was too skinny. His skin was too big for his body, with his bones protruding through. He looked almost emaciated, and ill.
Two years ago, Mason was so heavily into drugs that I thought he’d die. I was waiting for the phone call from his parents telling me when and where the funeral was. He was a changed man for those few years that he kept his habit up, making him unpredictable and totally untrustworthy, but I never gave up on him.
Whenever he needed a place to stay, I always had my front door open for him unless Lucy was staying with me. No matter what he did, I always had his back. He stole from me, he used me, and he even tried to pick fist fights, but I was unwavering. I knew it was the drugs and I tried to help him as much as I could. Who was I to judge?
He was heavily addicted, until one night when I was watching TMZ, and they announced that Mason had gone into rehab.
That was the last I saw of him, until twelve months ago, when he ended up on my door step. He was looking healthy and also ashamed. That night he explained how he was at his breaking point and a woman saved him. That was all he told me and I never pushed him to reveal more than he wanted.
We all have secrets we don’t ever want to share. We all have skeletons lurking deep inside our closets, just the size and amount of the bones change from person to person.
Breathing deeply through my nose as those times play around in my head, I notice I’ve willed my cock into submission. The thought of being attracted to Mason totally disgusts me again,
I’m not gay
.
I open my eyes and look around the room and think I best get this place looking like my life is in order, and not just the broken empty shards that lay like the unfinished jigsaw puzzle it actually is.
Chapter 2
“Good morning, Sergeant Major,” the soldiers that pass me say as I walk toward my office. I don’t even hear them anymore; nor do I know who says it and who doesn’t. I’m not here for the power, I’m here to do my job. And to do it well.
But today’s Friday afternoon and I’m totally distracted. I’m trying not to admit it to myself that the reason I’ve been so frenzied and out of sorts is because when I get home, Mase will be waiting for me. But the moment I even think of his name, I start to get nervous. Like I’m about to navigate through a mine field without the proper equipment.
“Sergeant Major,” I hear the assigned Private, Amanda Smith say as I approach my office. I look over to her and she’s doing that whole cute smile fluttering eye lids thing.
“Amanda, are there any messages?” I ignore her flirtatious behavior and ask her fairly curtly.
“No, Sergeant Major.” She lifts an eyebrow at me as I walk past her, essentially shutting her down.
I close my door, and she knows I don’t like to be interrupted unless my ex-wife Joanna calls, or a superior is in need of me.
I sit in my chair and lean my head back. Bringing my hand up to my head, I rub it over my face a couple of times while I close my eyes.
“Come suck my cock, boy.”
I hear him, I can smell him, I can even feel him. “
Be a good boy and suck me ‘til I come.”
I jerk up out of my chair and look around. I could’ve sworn he was in here.
Why, after all these months that I haven’t thought
that
about
him
, have I gone back to thinking of those times? My heart’s shivering in my chest, and I look at my hands and see they’re profusely shaking. Fuck. I need to calm down.
Walking over to my office window, I lean a palm up against the cool glass pane as I stare out at the green training fields in front of my office. I will my body, that’s sporting a damn huge hard-on, to comply with my mind. I don’t want an erection to be how I remember those times. That’s not an accurate representation of what happened. All I know is, I have to get out of here before I lose it at work.
I wait a few moments until my embarrassing and disgusting cock goes down before I grab my work bag and leave for the weekend.
Amanda sits at her desk with her long legs out to the side showing me her toned calves below her military uniform. Christ, I know she wants me, the way she subtly flirts and the way she throws herself at me. The way she eye fucks me every time I walk past her, it’s blatantly obvious to me even though she tries to conceal it.
“Can I do anything for you, Sergeant Major?” she asks as I walk past her desk, but don’t even bother looking at her.
“No. Have a good weekend,” I reply as I walk away.
Once I’m in my car I do everything possible to keep my mind off the fact that Mase will be home when I get there.
Hmmm, Mase and home. I like the sound of that, I think I’d like to come home to Mason more often. No!
I’m not gay.
When I park in the drive way of my small home that sits nestled amongst other similar looking houses, with tree lined roads and kids playing happily in their yards, I notice that Mase isn’t here yet. So I walk inside, drop my bag by the front door and tidy up a little. Since Mason announced he was coming to stay, I cleaned up and for now, my home resembles somebody that’s composed, disciplined and in control.
I hear the knock on the door and I stop. I literally freeze on the spot. I don’t want to answer the door, but I don’t want Mason out of my life either. A few seconds pass and I manage to convince myself to open it, and when I do I’m damn near floored.
In front of me stands Mason. He’s got stubble on his face and instantly I want to kiss him.
I’m not gay.
He’s frame is so thick and muscly, I can see the outline of months spent in the gym through his t-shirt.
“Mase.” My voice sounds like I’ve eaten gravel as Mason steps through the door and extends his hand out to me. I look down at it then back up to his warm brown eyes.
“Ryan, it’s so good to see you.” He’s waiting for me to shake his hand but I stare at him again. He looks quite worried.
Shit, don’t tell me he knows what I’m thinking.
“Since when do we shake hands?” I ask.
He grins his lopsided smile, and his eyes instantly liquefy as he brings me in for a tight bear hug.
Fuck.
His smell.
Like soap and aftershave, my favorite Bulgaria Aqua. That aroma’s embedded deep inside me and whenever I smell it, my thoughts instantly flood with Mason. I pull away from him and close the door, essentially giving us some distance. I also turn my obvious reaction to him away, so he can’t see the effect he causes me.
How do I explain that?
I sit in my chair, carefully concealing my cock that’s become rock hard, just from Mason’s smell.
Damn he looks good though. He’s dark hair is longer, down to his chin and he looks so healthy and well. But he’s got black rings under his eyes.
“Sit down man, how are you?” Mason sits over on the sofa and brings one leg up over his knee.
“Good. I’ve been busy filming.”
“Where are you filming now? I never know where the hell you are.” I snicker.
“Ry, seriously, I’m shooting in Australia. Sydney, actually. But I’ve got ten days off so I thought I’d high tail it back here and spend some time with my best friend that I’ve not seen in what? Four months?” he questions me as he shakes his head.
“Try thirteen, but I don’t hold it against you. You
are
a big time movie star. Well so I hear.” I wink at him and he lets out a small laugh.
“Well apparently those rumors are true. So what’re the plans for tonight? Wanna just order in and hang or wanna go out?”
“Mason, I haven’t seen you in over a year, I really don’t feel like watching you get mobbed by hormonal teenage girls and needy sexually frustrated wives ‘cause they see the great Mason Carter getting around town.” It’s at that moment Mason licks his lips and my eyes immediately go to his tongue as he sweeps it across his bottom lip. Shit, I best look away.
“You’re an ass, Ry. We’ll stay in. Are you going to offer me something to drink you pompous dick?”
I can’t exactly tell Mase that I’m finding it difficult to stand up, because my cock that was calming down, is as hard as it’s ever been, all thanks to him licking his dry luscious full lips.
“Since when did I become your bitch? You know where the damn kitchen is.”
Mason stands and goes to the fridge, leaving me for a moment as I try to talk my cock into behaving.
I’m not gay.
“So tell me about this woman you’re seeing,” I say as I begin to feel my wood going down.
“Man, she’s just amazing.” Mason walks back in with two beers, one for him and one for me. He takes his seat again and brings the bottle up to his lips as he takes a swig of beer. “I’ve been seeing her for two years, Ryan.”
“What? Why haven’t I heard about her before?”
“Our relationship is, um.” He stops talking as he down casts his eyes but a small deviant smile graces his alluring face, “um, it’s sort of different.”