Authors: Margaret McHeyzer
There was something about the way you left your hand on my forearm for a touch too long, that sparked a tiny yearning inside me.
It’s never been the same for me, Ryan. Since that day, all I’ve wanted to do was touch you.
But I kept my distance, and never came forward to tell you, because I was afraid that you may think that I was gay.
Ryan, I’m not gay, but being with you is something I want to explore. And I think after last night, I’m not alone in wanting to see where our possibilities will go.
But for now, I have to take a step back and talk to Stella.
Stella helped me in the past. She was the one that had me admitted into rehab.
I’d started seeing her just before my drug overdose.
She’s against any synthetic drug being used for recreational purposes. She knew I was addicted to crack and to weed when we met. She refused to be my Domme until I went into rehab.
One night, I was totally strung out and I went to her place of work. I caused such a huge fuss that disrupted her and her patients, that she locked me in an exam room until she was done for the day. She then came in and injected me with something that caused me to black out.
When I came to, I was in a rehab facility and she was sitting on the bed beside me.
My body had already started craving more crack and weed and when I went to lunge for her, I found I was strapped to the bed.
She sat next me, calmly wiping my forehead as I screamed at her.
But what will stay with me forever was what she said.
“You thirst for pleasure and pain, not a life of agony and hurt. I’m a master in control and desire. If you want to give yourself to me, I’ll be waiting with a flogger and a gag the day you’re released. If you choose submission, then answer with the one word that will change your life.”
I didn’t have to think for long to know what that word was. I was already under her spell, even before she had said anything to me.
“Master,” I replied to her.
That was the day that I was freed, Ryan.
I’ve been pleasing my Domme ever since. And not because she wants it, but because I’m desperate to have her tell me that what I’m doing is right.
So, tonight I’ll be getting punished for what happened with us. But I have to say, that I’ll take every strike of a buggy whip and every lash of a quirt with pride. Because Ryan, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
Until tomorrow,
Mason.
Ps: You will, but try to not over think it.
I stare at the letter and reread it not once, not even twice. I think by the third time it doesn’t even make sense to me anymore.
What the fuck is a buggy whip and a quirt?
I look at the time with the paper still in my hand and notice it’s almost 8.30am. I need to get a move on because I’ll be leaving early to get Lucy from Joanna’s house.
My drive to work’s overtaken with the contents of the letter that’s folded in quarters and is sitting in my shirt pocket.
Mason wants me.
I want Mason.
So what’s stopping me?
Stella.
Damn, her eyes.
When I get to the barracks and up to my office, I’m hit with Amanda standing at the photocopier doing whatever she’s doing.
Her back straightens as I approach her and she turns her head to look at me over her shoulder.
“Sergeant Major,” she says.
I ignore her and walk straight into my office, closing the door behind me.
As I sit in the chair behind my desk, the only thing that I can think of is Mason and Stella.
I’m nothing but confused.
I finally relinquished last night and allowed myself to believe that I’m gay, but when I think of Stella, my body reacts toward her, too.
What a clusterfuck my life’s become.
I’m nearing thirty-four and I can’t seem to make my head from my damn ass.
What the fuck’s going on?
Last night I was ready to be taken, and take Mason and today my thoughts are stuck between Mason and Stella.
I just don’t understand.
Why is this so hard?
I bring my elbows up to the table and lean my head into my hands.
My entire life’s been one huge debacle.
I’m interrupted by my cell phone ring, which brings me out of the dark and complicated scene that’s mulling around in my head.
I look at the caller display, and see that it’s Joanna.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Hi, Ryan, are you still picking Lucy up this afternoon?”
“Of course, is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I’m going out with the girls from work tonight and just wanted to check what time you’ll be around,” Joanna says in an up tempo beat.
“I’ll finish from here at 4pm, so I’ll be at yours around 4.30. Does that give you enough time to get ready?”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.”
Joanna and I have maintained a very civil relationship.
We share custody of our daughter, and even though Lucy lives mostly with her mom, she still comes home every other weekend and for half of school vacation. Because Joanna and I don’t disagree or argue, we manage to work together really well. If Joanna has a special event on that she’d like Lucy there for, then I accommodate her. And she’s more than willing to do the same for me.
Joanna and I couldn’t maintain a happy marriage, we were married when she fell pregnant. We were able to play happy families for two years, but lack of communication and me being deployed, saw our marriage completely fall apart.
We don’t blame each other though, really we were both too young.
I think Joanna expected ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ from me and of course I couldn’t give it to her. Looking back, I now know that it’s because I was so confused about who I was. Much like I still am now.
I don’t know what I expected from Joanna, maybe I needed her to fix me.
I just don’t know.
But, we’ve remained friends and have never used Lucy as a pawn. If Lucy needs something, Joanna knows all she needs to do is call me. I’d give my life for Lucy, so everything that I have, is hers.
The only thing she can’t have is the ruined part of me that can never be glued back together. That part is reserved only for me and for no one else.
The day moves on, and I barely talk to Amanda as I move in and out of the office. She makes no attempt to talk to me, but she does pass on a message from the Battalion Commander.
Ending my work day at 4pm, I pack to leave to get my daughter.
As I drive toward Joanna’s house, I notice that after my phone call this morning with her, I didn’t once unfold the letter that Mason had left me.
“Humph,” I say to no one in particular, as I sit in the car.
“Maybe I’ll be okay.”
For the first time in a long time, I can take a breath and not hate myself.
When I inhale, it doesn’t hurt as much as it ordinarily does.
And when I exhale, the air doesn’t get stuck in my throat threatening to tighten around the anguish and venom that’s usually so forthcoming.
Chapter 9
Before I realize, I’m in Joanna’s driveway and have turned the car off.
I make my way over to her door and knock once.
“Ryan, come in. Lucy isn’t ready yet,” Joanna says as she swings the door wide for me to enter.
I lean down and kiss her cheek as I close the door behind me.
“How are you, Jo?”
“Good, work’s getting really busy now that prom season’s almost here. So I’m glad I’ll be going out with the girls tonight,” she says as she heads toward her kitchen. “Drink?”
“Just water thanks.”
I follow her into the kitchen and she goes to the fridge and hands me a bottle of water.
“All the girls want their hair done for prom, hey?”
“It’s usually busy, but prom brings in more work to all us hairdressers.”
“Daddy!” I hear Lucy yell as she comes out through the hall.
“Hi there, Lani,” I say as I wrap my beautiful ten year old daughter in a tight embrace.
“Dad, will you stop calling me that?”
“From the moment you were born, you’ve always been my heaven. So until the day I take my last breath, you’ll always be my Lani.”
“Really?” she says as she rolls her eyes at me.
“Yes, really. Now, give your dad a kiss.” I lean into her and turn my face.
She obliges me and gives me a typical Lucy kiss. She licks her lips and slobbers all over me. I don’t mind so much, this is part of what she does to make me laugh.
But she also knows what this means.
I trap her to my chest and bring my hand up under her chin and start tickling her. Her most ticklish spot is on her neck.
She squeals in delight and tries to move her shoulders up and her chin down so I can’t tickle her any more. The more she squirms, the more I tickle until she collapses from my grasp and tries to flee.
“Stop,” she says through fits of giggles.
“Nope, you gave me a raspberry, so now I gotta tickle you.”
“I won’t do it again, pinky promise.” She tries to hold up her pinky, but I continue making her laugh.
“Dad!”
I stop and help her off the ground.
“I missed you, Daddy.” Lucy throws her arms around me and kisses me again on the cheek.
“I missed you, too.”
“So what are we having for dinner?”
“Well where do you want to go? Chik Fil A or Chili’s or do you want me to order pizza?”
“Um, can we go to Applebee’s?”
“Is that what you want?”
“Only if it’s okay with you.” She looks up at me desperately wanting me to want to go there.
“I couldn’t think of a better place to spend with my Lani.”
“I just gotta get my toothbrush.”
“Alright, I’ll wait for you in the car. Don’t forget to give your mom a kiss.”
I walk over to Jo, who’s now in the family room sitting reading a magazine. I bend and kiss her hair. “Have fun tonight. I’ll drop Lani to school on Monday.”
“You guys have fun tomorrow with Mase. How’s he doing? I see he’s filming over in Australia somewhere.”
“He’s really good. He flies out on Sunday, he’s been called back early, so tomorrow’s the only day he’ll see Lucy. Anyway, I’ll call if I need anything.”
“Bye, Ryan,” she calls as I leave and close the front door behind me.
Moments later Lucy’s sitting next to me in the car.
“I’ve got to duck home and have a quick shower, then we can go to Applebee’s.”
“I brought a book so that’s alright.” She takes her book out of her back pack.
I glance over at it and she’s reading ‘The Diary of Anne Frank.’
“You’re reading that?” I jut my chin toward the book.
“Yeah, it’s really good but really sad.”
“I know, I read it when I was about twelve.”
“The teacher at school was talking about World War II and she was saying about a girl named Anne Frank, so I went to the library to borrow it because I wanted to read her story.”
I look over at her again, and see her nose is buried in the pages. It’s really very mature literature for her to be reading, and quite intense and dark. But of course, it’s her diary so even though the book’s filled with horrific events, I’m not going to stop Lucy reading it.
“Well, we’re home, Lani.” I park the car and try to get to her door to open it for her, but she’s already out and waiting at the step for me.
I unlock the front door, and Lucy bursts through and goes straight to her room.
“I’ll be in here, Dad. Don’t take too long, I’m hungry,” she yells to me.
I step in and have a rapid shower, and when I get out I duck my head in her room and she’s laying on her bed with her legs stretched up the wall and her long dark brown hair hanging off the bed as she’s enthralled in the book.
I dress quickly and go back to her room, to find her in the exact same position she was in when I left her.
“C’mon, let’s go,” I announce.
Lucy jumps up off the bed and with her book under her arm she comes and gives me a cuddle.
When we get back in the car, Lucy buries her nose in her book and doesn’t pay any attention to me. I drive in silence and observe my daughter as she flips through the pages. I hear small intakes of breath from her as she devours the words.
At Applebee’s I park and look over at her, she’s worrying her lip in her mouth and has an intense scowl on her face with her eyebrows knitted together. She doesn’t even notice that I’ve gotten out of the car and have her door open for her.
“Lani, do you think you want to come inside and eat a meal with your old man?”
“Sorry. It’s just, I really can’t believe how her life was. I mean, to hide behind a concealed door in a room that was tiny with another family, it’s just so heart breaking. Could you imagine the fear she felt?” she huffs as she closes the book and gets out of the car.
“Are you sure you’re only ten?” I ask her as I close the door behind her once she exits the car.
“You’re funny, of course I’m only ten. I’ll be eleven in four and a half months. So, I suppose you can pretend I’m eleven.”
What kid talks like that?
“How about, you stop growing and just stay ten?” I smile and wink at her as we walk through the doors into the restaurant.
“You’re a dork, Dad.”
We’re seated quickly and the waitress hands us the menus and leaves.
“What are you getting?” I look over to Lucy to get her answer.
“I might just have mac and cheese.”
“That’s all?”
“Yeah, my throat’s a little sore. So I don’t want too much.”
“You alright?” I ask as I lean over to feel her forehead.
“I’m fine.” She moves her head so that I can place my palm on her.
She’s a little warm to touch, but nothing to cause concern over. Especially seeing as she’s still hungry.
“How are you folks doing tonight?” I look up to see the waitress is back and looks completely disinterested in being here.
“We’re great,” I answer for myself and Lucy.