Yesterday's Tomorrows (20 page)

“Me?”

“You.” He pulled my hand to the top of his pants and placed my fingers over the stiffness that was straining hard against the zipper. “Yes, this is what you do to me. But it’s so much more than just that.” He moved our joined hands to his chest and flattened my fingers under his, trapping them against his heart. “Do you feel that, Maddy? I feel like it’s started beating again. You did that.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “I know I’m a broken man, but you make me feel whole. You make me feel, period. No one’s done that, not since…”

He didn’t need to say her name.

“Don’t,” he commanded.

“Don’t what?”

“I felt you stiffen up just now.” He lifted my head and cupped my cheek. “Don’t let my past come between us. A part of me will always love Claire. I won’t apologize for it. But you’ve helped put the past where it needs to be. You’ve helped me realize I can honor the love I had for her by living a full life, and that includes finding love again.
You
did that, Maddy. Only you.”

“What are you saying?” I gasped, astonished.

“I’m saying I’m falling for you, Madelyn,” Holt said, his voice thick. “I’m saying I don’t care how far I drop, as long as I land with you.”

“Holt, I—”

“I think you feel the same, Maddy. Am I wrong?”

He wasn’t, but I wasn’t sure I could admit to it. It was tempting to lie and say I didn’t want more, but he’d see right through me. He understood me in a way no one ever had before. But I was also terrified to yield to these feelings. Everyone I ever wanted to feel something for me in return either left me or didn’t love me back. How long would it be before Holt realized I wasn’t good for him? And what would be left of me when it was over?

I
’d gone
through basic training with the toughest gunny sergeant the Marine Corps had to offer, barking orders and hurling obscenities at me. I’d been in combat and knew what it was like to feel the eyes of my enemy watch my movements and lie in wait until he could take a shot. None of it prepared me for the single, longest agonizing minute while I waited for her answer.

Maybe this was all on me. I knew she was attracted to me because of the way she responded to my kiss. But by her own admission she’d never had a boyfriend, never had a relationship. Was she just horny after years of incarceration? Maybe any guy would get the same reaction?

Superman’s x-ray vision had nothing on Maddy and the way she scrutinized me as if scanning for some deception or character flaw. I understood why it was so hard for her to trust, but I also knew she was still holding something back. I wanted her to trust me fully and completely. In the beginning, I thought it was just an ego trip on my part, but as I got to know her, I knew it was because the only way I could own her heart was for her to trust me enough to give it to me. And while I’d worried I didn’t have one to give to her in return, she’d proven I did.

So caught up in my fear of rejection, I almost missed her whispered reply.

“No.”

My heart sunk. Fuck, I wished she never healed it if it was going to hurt so much to have it crushed again.

“You’re not wrong, Holt. I do have feelings, strong ones, for you.”

A five-year weight lifted from my shoulders. “Oh, thank fuck,” I mumbled as I kissed her before throwing my head back with a shout of ‘yes!”

Large, mostly green eyes that shone with tenderness gazed up at me. “But I can’t help but worry. What if people find out about my past and judge
you
for it, for choosing me?”

Did this woman ever just let someone care about her without worrying?
It was a challenge I couldn’t wait to prove to her. “Screw them if they can’t see the wonderful woman you are. Besides, how would they know?
I
know you, and that’s all that matters.”

“You know I’m not experienced at this, right?” she asked shyly.

“Oh, sweetheart, when it comes to you and me, I’m not either. We’ll experience it together, hmm?” I grinned and lowered my face toward hers.

Long minutes later, I slowed our kiss before I wasn’t able to.

“I guess this means I won’t be house hunting tomorrow,” she giggled.

“Fuck, no,” I grumbled. “I wouldn’t have let you leave, even if you tried. There’re still too many unanswered questions out there.”

Her face fell, and I was immediately sorry I’d brought that up. She wriggled in my arms, and reluctantly I let her go. “Holt, I…I’m scared this is going to end up being too much for you. It’s bad enough I have a prison record. But it feels like something from that time of my life has followed me, and if I’m in danger, then you are too as long as we’re together. That’s too much to ask of you. Maybe we should put off any kind of relationship until we figure this out. That way, if you want out, you’re already free.”

“No!” I shouted, causing her to flinch. I tempered my tone. “No, Maddy. Like it or not, my feelings are already involved. Nothing from your past is going to make me change my mind. Anyone who runs away from a relationship just because there are some challenges doesn’t deserve that person in the first place.”

“But what if it gets
too
hard? What if you decide you just don’t want to do it anymore?” she pressed.

“Maddy, where is this coming from?”

“It’s just sometimes situations become too much for people, you know?”

“You’re talking about Charly?” Damn that woman. I couldn’t imagine how she could abandon her sister when Maddy needed her the most, especially after Maddy saved her from being raped. So help me, if Charly ever showed her face around me, I’d use every resource I had to make her pay.

“Only partly,” she mumbled.

“Maddy, what aren’t you telling me?”

She blinked at me several times as if debating what to say. As much as I wanted to beg her to tell me, it was more important she decided to do so on her own.

Clearing her throat, she asked, “Remember you asked me once what my story is?”

I nodded.

“How do you feel about a late night tale that would make the Grimm brothers proud?” she answered, her face drawn with sadness.

I already knew it wasn’t a fairytale full of glitter and unicorns, but I had a feeling it was going to be worse than I first thought. “I want to hear it, sweetheart.”

“I’m not sure you do, but I’ll tell you anyway.”

I pulled her to sit on the couch. When she would have curled up in the corner by herself, I drew her onto my lap instead. She tucked her head under my chin and began.

“Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Madelyn…”

I
scampered around the kitchen
, filling a pot with water and carefully carrying it with two hands to the stove. I turned on the gas and lit the flame. I had to pull a chair up to the counter to reach the overhead cabinet since I wasn’t tall enough to reach the box of spaghetti. While I waited for the water to boil, I set the table with the blue plates that were too heavy for me to carry more than two at a time. I set three places, even though I wasn't sure if Charly would be home tonight or not. She was six years older than me and thought she was completely grown up and could go anywhere and do whatever she wanted.

Daddy sometimes tried to tell her she was expected to come home every day after school, but she never minded him; he was always too drunk to carry through whatever threat he issued. Daddy doted on Charly, so I had my doubts he'd ever discipline her anyway. He saved all that for me. Hence, the reason I was in such a hurry to try to have dinner ready when he stumbled through the door.

Today was payday, so he'd no doubt stopped off to drink some of his earnings before coming home. Counting on that, I'd stayed late at school getting some extra help on a science project with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Kissinger. She always smelled so good and was so kind to me. Anytime I imagined my mother, she was a lot like my teacher. Except now, Mrs. Kissinger was going to leave to get married to some lawyer guy. Time went so fast, I didn't notice how late it had gotten until I saw the long shadows on the school desks.

Now, I had to hurry to make sure we had something to eat. Even though we'd had spaghetti two nights ago, it was the fastest thing I could get ready. Choices were limited, since the cabinets and refrigerator were almost empty. I needed Daddy to go shopping for more food. I hoped Trigger remembered his promise to me.

I had been scared, but last week I'd snuck into the bar I knew my daddy usually went to. It was dark and smelled like stinky cigarettes. Sunlight tried it's best to shine through the dirty windows, but it mostly only looked like a dim light bulb. A few fluorescent signs with the names of beer were the only other lights that time of day. Thank goodness, it was mostly empty; the shift at the lumber yards wouldn’t happen for almost another hour.

"Are you lost, little lady?" a deep voice boomed. I looked up to see a huge man standing behind the bar wiping a glass. He wore a blue denim shirt covered by a leather vest with a few pins stuck on it. I thought it was kind of funny since I thought only girls wore pins. He had a gray beard that I had a feeling matched his hair, but I couldn't tell because a red bandana covered his head.

My knees were knocking, but I forced myself to speak with my best manners. "May I please speak to the owner?"

His eyes widened, but he nodded and came around from behind the bar. He was probably twice my height, so he squatted in front of me. "M'name's Trigger, and I run this joint. What can I do for you? You're too short to buy a beer."

I hated being reminded of my size. It wasn’t my fault. I crossed my arms. "My teacher says good things come in small packages. Besides, beer's yucky."

His lip twitched. I hoped that was a good thing. "Well, your teacher is smart, and you're a right pretty little package. And how do you already know beer is yucky? Wait, never mind. I’m not sure I really wanna know. Now, what can I do for you, little lady?"

I stood up as tall as I could and said in my most grown-up voice, "My father is Jacob Stone, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't let him buy more than one or two beers when he's here." I was proud of delivering the words I'd practiced in my head over and over.

He scratched his chin. "You're ole' Jacob's girl, huh?"

I nodded.

"Any particular reason I shouldn't sell him more? This is a business you know. That's how I make money." His words weren't mean, but he did sound like I should have a good reason, the way Ms. Kissinger sometimes sounded when kids got in trouble in class.

My face fell. This wasn’t how I thought it would go when I practiced this in my mind. I had imagined the owner being so impressed by my maturity that he'd immediately do what I’d asked. I thought fast and decided the truth was always the right answer. "Well, Mr. Trigger, you see, I need the money to buy some food." I was so embarrassed he had to lean close to hear me.

I started to squirm when he remained quiet. I was about to turn and run out when he finally grunted something under his breath. It sounded like a slew of curse words, some I knew and some I didn't. I made a mental note to ask Charly what ‘cock-sucking’ meant.

His fingers stroked his beard like he was thinking. "Well, lil’ lady. I'm glad you happened to come in. You see, ole Jacob, he’s pretty regular-like, so I was going to wait 'til tonight to give him somethin', but since you're here now, I reckon it’d be easier for me to give it to you now, ‘for it gets too busy and I forgit."

He straightened up and got something from the cash register and came back to stand before me. "Ya see, when your daddy paid his bill last night, he didn't stick around long enough for me to give him his change. Now, you'd be doin' me a mighty big favor if you'd just take this." He handed me two twenty-dollar bills.

My eyes widened as I took them from his hand. "Thank you, Mr. Trigger. I'll make sure to give it to him."

He shook his head. "Well now, your daddy, he mentioned to me last night that he was gonna to the grocery store after he left, but, well, I bet he couldn't 'cause he left his change here, ya see?"

I slowly nodded. "So this is the grocery money?"

Trigger looked relieved. "That's right, lil' lady. Why don't you go on down and buy what your Daddy would have gotten you last night. You'll be savin' him the trip, ya see?"

I nodded. "I'll go right now." My stomach growled right on cue, relieved it wouldn't have to go hungry that night. And I'd done as I promised, buying the same kinds of food that I knew how to cook: pasta, sauce, soup, peanut butter, crackers, milk, and bread. There usually wasn’t any money for extras like cookies or anything.

But now, most of that food was already gone. Hopefully, Daddy remembered to pay the power bill so I could use the rest of his pay to buy more food.

I hurried to clean up the spaghetti sauce jar and box. Our trailer wasn't fancy, but I did my best to keep it straightened up.

The front door opened, and my father stomped in, Charly right on his heels. He greeted me with an angry stare and a greeting of, "What's for dinner, girl. I'm hungry. Damn Trigger wouldn't let me have another drink." He yanked a chair out from the table, grumbling, "Like my money isn't good enough."

My relief that Trigger had kept his word was quickly replaced with worry. Usually, when Daddy came home, he was more mellow, thanks to a few drinks. But apparently only two wasn't enough, and now he was pissed off. Even Charly moved carefully around him.

I quickly scooped a pile of spaghetti on a plate and topped it with sauce and placed it in front of him. "Here you go, Daddy."

He stared at the simple meal in front of him. "What the hell is this? Didn't we just have this shit a couple of nights ago?"

"I'm sorry, Daddy. The only other thing we have is soup, and we had that last night. I thought you'd like this better."

He swiped his hand across the table sending the plate and its contents across the small space. Noodles and sauce splattered across the cabinets and floor.

"Goddamnit! Is it too much to expect you to be able to put a better meal together? Your mother was an excellent cook. You're her daughter. You look just like her. Why can't you be more like her?"

I stood frozen in place. This was bad behavior even for him.

"But instead," he pointed at me, "You took her from me. It's all your fault she's dead." He pounded a fist on the table and stood so fast his chair fell backward.

He took a stumbling step toward me. I looked to Charly for help, but she sat as if glued to her chair, both of her hands covering her mouth. I took a trembling step backward until I was backed against the wall. He hesitated when he saw my retreat. He closed his eyes, and I saw his Adam's apple bob several times. When his eyes opened, tears flowed down his cheeks. His hand was surprisingly gentle as he reached out and pulled a lock of my hair over my shoulder. He rubbed it between his fingers before dropping it to reach for my cheek. I flinched, but his touch was light, almost caressing. "You're so beautiful. You have her hair, her eyes, her face. Your mother was the most beautiful woman I ever knew."

His hand dropped, and he backed toward the door, darting his eyes between Charly and me. "I...I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I can't take being around you anymore. You're too much like her. Every time I see you, Maddy, I see Lilian. It's like I can't breathe, and I'm so tired of suffocating. I've been a terrible father to you. Lilian would be so disappointed in me. I know that because I see the same look in your eyes. I'm sorry for that. You'll be better off without me."

He turned and took four long steps toward the door.

"No, Daddy!" Charly cried.

His hand paused on the doorknob. He looked over his shoulder, first at her, then at me, and back to her. "I love you." He opened the door and was gone.

Charly and I stood as if frozen by the sudden confession and departure of our father. The sudden peel of tires on the street in front of our house snapped us out of our trance, and we bolted to the window. Our father's old car careened wildly as he tore down the street.

I slowly sank to the floor. My dad couldn't love me because I reminded him too much of my mom? Everything suddenly made more sense: the reason why he didn't carry pictures of me in his wallet but did of Charly; why he never stayed in the same room as me for longer than an hour. All these years I'd tried so hard to make him proud, but it would never have mattered.

My eyes burned with the tears I tried not to let fall for a father who didn’t love me back.

I fought the instinct to run after him like Charly did. She stood in the doorway while his car pulled away and sped off into the night. Not knowing what else to do, I turned and slowly began to clean up the spaghetti disaster. Charly came back into the trailer and sat at the kitchen table.

I paused to rinse out a rag and began cleaning a new spot.

“He’s right, you know. You do look a lot like her,” she said quietly.

I paused my cleaning. Like my dad, she almost never talked about our mother.

“I’m sorry, Charly.”

“Don’t be. She was pretty, too.”

“Are you going to leave me, too?” This time, I did cry. Charly had been the one to mostly take care of me, and when I was little, I remembered her playing and singing with me, teaching me how to braid my hair and other girlie stuff.

She sighed. “Nah, brat. We’re sisters. We’ll stick together.”