In an attempt to escape, he kept slamming himself into the window while I feebly chased him around with a flip-flop, trying to guide him
back toward the open door. It was awful to watch—the poor guy was all panting and wild-eyed, his little birdy heart no doubt about to explode with fear while he threw himself over and over again into the glass at full speed.
I finally managed to escort him outside to freedom, and then spent a very bothered few minutes calming my own little-birdy heart while I revisited the scene of the accident. I imagined his confusion and frustration: “I can see the sky! It’s right there! If I fly hard and fast enough I know I can reach it!”
It made me think of the way so many of us live our lives. We can see what we want, and nearly kill ourselves trying to get it in a way that’s not working. Meanwhile, if we just stopped, got quiet for a minute or two, and looked at things a little differently, we’d notice the door to what we want being held open for us by the nice lady in the bathrobe across the room. Then all we’d have to do is fly through it.
Oh, the drama we create for ourselves!
We’re so deeply wrapped up in our stories—
I don’t have the money, I’m not good enough, I can’t quit my job, I’m lazy, I have bad hair
—trudging through life with our heads down, clinging to our false beliefs like lifeboats full of doo-doo, that we prevent ourselves from seeing the literally infinite sea of possibilities and opportunities surrounding us at every single moment.
Have you ever walked down a street that you’ve walked down a million times and suddenly noticed a house or a tree or a mailbox or something else totally obvious and in-your-face that you’ve never noticed before? Or have you ever suddenly become aware of the eye color of someone you’ve known for years? Or have you ever looked at your mother and thought,
I was inside of that woman once!?
All this stuff didn’t suddenly appear and then you noticed it, it was there all along, you just weren’t experiencing it because your focus was directed somewhere else.
Here’s a cool exercise: Right now, look around wherever you are
and count the number of things you see that are red. Take about a minute and count them all. Now stop, look back at this page without taking your eyes off of it, and try to think of everything around you that’s yellow. There’s probably a ton of yellow, but you didn’t see it because you were looking for red.
What you choose to focus on becomes your reality.
And that’s just an example of what we’re not noticing that we can
see
. There’s also an infinite amount of emotions and thoughts and beliefs and interpretations and sounds and dreams and opportunities and smells and points of view and ways to feel good and responses and nonresponses and things to say and ways to help. YET, because we’re so set in our ways and committed to our stories about who we are and what our reality looks like, we only scratch the very surface of all that’s available to us every single moment. Meanwhile, we’re totally surrounded by countless awesome versions of reality, and they’re all just hanging around like a bunch of shy teenage girls at the prom, leaning against the walls, waiting for us to ask them to dance.
As the poet William Blake so eloquently stated: “If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.”
So . . . why would you create anything that’s not totally awesome? I mean, we’re only talking about your
life
here. If you chose to get over all your reasons why the money you so desire is evil or your identity as someone who’s scared of intimacy or your attachment to a plethora of other excuses that you perceive to be very serious and real when they’re really probably kind of cute and ridiculous—you could literally create any reality you want.
Whenever I become impressed by a particularly creative array of
new excuses I’ve come up with, or start to organize an elaborate pity party for myself, I turn to Ray Charles. I don’t often listen to his music, but I always think about Ray when I need a kick in the buttinski. He was a broke, blind, minority who was orphaned by the age of fifteen and raised in the “colored part of town” in a time when slavery wasn’t all that distant of a memory, and he went on to become one of the most influential and successful American musicians of all time. Basically, he wasted no time on excuses.
Any little woe-is-me-ism that I try to hold up against Ray instantly wilts into the sniveling little “nice try” that it is, and I’m forced to look upon my life, and my excuses, with a new perspective.
Really? You’re really going to let that stop you?
All you have to do is make the choice to let go of everything you’re so attached to that’s not serving you and manifest the reality that you want. Life is an illusion created by your perception, and it can be changed the moment you choose to change it.
Our entire experience on this planet is determined by how we choose to perceive our reality.
I know. As if. It can’t be that easy. If it was that simple, how could I possibly have spent all this time banging my head against the glass wall of my own self-created ho-hummery?
But before you get into a bad mood about it, remember: All this stumbling around in the realities we pretend to be stuck in is very valuable because it allows us to grow and learn and evolve—rough seas make better sailors—but you get to choose how long you want to stay in school and work on the same issues over and over and over. Your graduation cap and gown are cleaned and pressed and waiting for you
whenever you want to put them on, all you have to do is let go of your present story and rewrite a new one that fits who you truly are.
If you want to join the party and shift your perspective, do what I say in this book (and really DO it, don’t just half-ass it. And while you’re at it, believe it too). Study the Resources I suggest in the back of this book and on my website. Commit to releasing your attachment to low-frequency thoughts and experiences, trust that the Universe loves the crap out of you, kick fear in the face, and head bravely into the unknown.
Also, do the following:
1. BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOUR STORIES ARE
We call these “stories” because they are just that. They are not the truth. And they can be rewritten. You’re the author of your own life— not your parents, not society, not your partner, not your friends, not the bullies who called you Fatzilla in junior high—and the sooner you decide to write yourself a better script, the sooner you get to live a more awesome life.
Before you can let go of your stories, get clear on what they are. Listen to what you say and what you think about and start busting yourself in your own lies. We get so used to, and so identify with, our broken records that we don’t even notice they exist or that they’re not even real. And yet we’ll fight to the death to uphold their nontruths!
Listen specifically for sentences that begin with:
I always . . .
I never . . .
I can’t . . .
I should . . .
I suck at . . .
I wish . . .
I want (as opposed to
I will
and
I am
) . . .
I don’t have . . .
One day . . .
I’m trying to . . .
Sad-sack Jane, the lawyer, says she should keep her miserable job at the prestigious firm because she’ll never find one that she likes that pays as well.
Really? Is that why nobody on earth, anywhere, is doing a job that they love and making even more money than you make, Jane?
Lonely-hearted Sally always says she can’t find a good, single man because there aren’t any left out there.
Really Sally? All the good, single men were hunted down and killed so no matter how many dates you go on or how many times you put on sexy high heels and hang around at Home Depot, you’ll never bump into one? Was the awesome guy your friend Deb just met the lone survivor of the good guy genocide?
Broke-ass Joe, the personal trainer, always talks about how he can’t make any money and how there are no high-paying clients out there.
Really Joe? Not any? Anywhere? Then how is it that other personal trainers have more high-paying clients than they can handle? And that some even created energy drinks and work-out products with their pictures on them and are raking it in on QVC?
Another good place to catch yourself in a story is by looking at the areas in your life that are sagging. If you’re constantly angry, maybe your story is, “Nobody understands me.” If you’re always overweight, maybe your story is, “I have no self-discipline.” If you’re uninvited from
Thanksgiving dinner because you wouldn’t let anyone else talk at the last three family gatherings, maybe your story is, “Nobody pays any attention to me.”
Remember, as Wallace Wattles said:
To think what you want to think is to think the truth, regardless of appearances
. Instead of pretending to be stuck in these lame-o realities, use your power of thought to change your attitude and change your life.
Start paying attention: What are your favorite, self-sabotaging stories? What do you hear yourself think and say over and over again that has become who you are (or rather who you think you are)? Bust yourself in your own tired old broken records right now so you can set about rewriting your stories and create the kind of life you love.
2. BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOU’RE GAINING FROM YOUR STORIES
We pretty much don’t ever do anything that we don’t benefit from in some way, be it in a healthy way or an unhealthy way. If you’re perpetuating something dismal in your life because of some dopey story, there’s definitely something about it that you’re getting off on.
Let’s say, for example, that your story is that you’re depressed. Chances are pretty good that even though it feels awful, when you feel awful you don’t have to work hard or do the laundry or go to the gym. It also feels very familiar and cozy and comfortable. It gets you attention. People come in and check on you and sometimes bring food. It gives you something to talk about. It allows you to not try too hard or move forward and face possible failure. It lets you drink beer for breakfast.
Let’s say your story is that you can’t make money. By staying broke, you get to be right. You get to be a victim, which makes you dependent
on other people and gets you attention. Other people will offer to pay. You don’t have to take responsibility. You get to give up before you start and avoid possible failure. If things in your life fall far below the mediocre scale, you get to blame other people and circumstances instead of taking risks to change it because you can’t afford to take risks.
Let’s say your story is that you stink at relationships. You get your freedom. You don’t have to commit and can keep looking for the greener grass on the other side. You don’t have to risk getting hurt by being vulnerable. You get to complain about always being single and get sympathy. You get the whole bed to yourself, never have to compromise, and don’t have to shave unless it’s summer.
We don’t realize it, but we’re making the perks we get from perpetuating our stories more important than getting the things we really want because it’s familiar territory, it’s what we’re comfy with and we’re scared to let it go. If we’ve been depressed or victimized or whatever since childhood, we trick ourselves into believing that it’s really who we
are
as adults in order to continue reaping “the rewards.” It’s how we survived as kids, but it doesn’t serve us anymore so we need to get rid of it or we’ll just keep creating more of it.
For example, let’s say you grew up with a violent alcoholic father, and your way to protect yourself from being the target of his rage was to never speak up, to never let yourself or your wants and wishes be visible. Cut to you as an adult who never speaks your truth or who never stands up for yourself. You’re still reaping the false rewards, you’re playing it safe, not risking getting hurt or yelled at, but this behavior is backfiring on you because by hiding and not taking a stand for yourself, you’re living a life that totally makes you want to roll over and go back to sleep every morning instead of getting up and facing your day.
Once you identify the false benefits you’re reaping from holding onto your stories, you can start the process of letting them go and replace them with new empowered ones that serve the adult you.
3. GET RID OF YOUR STORIES
Once you know what the beast looks like, you can slay it. Take your list of “can’ts” and “shoulds” and “I nevers,” etc., and write stream of consciousness in a journal (see example below), and really feel in your body what you’re getting from these old limiting beliefs such as: “I feel special, I feel safe, I get to live with my parents and never get a job,” etc. Make a list of these false rewards. Really push yourself to get them all on to the page. Then feel the attention the specialness or the comfort or the safety or whatever your trip is and really become clear on it. Catch yourself fully in the act and feel it all the way through.
Now look at your list of false rewards for what they really are: scared little parts of yourself acting out. Thank them for trying to protect you and for keeping you company, but tell them it’s time to run along now.
Then, replace the feelings you got from these false rewards with the feelings of joy and power and excitement that stepping into who you truly are and who you’re now becoming will bring.
Imagine that childish version of yourself leaving your body and the powerful adult stepping in. Breathe in the adult; breathe out the kid and the old story. It’s like finally taking the keys to the Ferrari back from the seven-year-old version of yourself who’s been driving it all this time, nearly getting you killed. See yourself as the adult stepping in to take your place behind the wheel.
Keep envisioning (or writing down) what it looks and feels like to have the real, adult you replace your old childhood story. Feel it. Get excited by it. Then make the decision that you’re ready to change and take positive action in the direction you want to go.