Even though they’re often doing it out of love and concern, having others smear their fear and worry all over you is the last thing you need when you’re strengthening your superhero muscles to step out and take some risks, so I highly recommend keeping your mouth shut around people who are gonna bring you down. Instead, seek out those who are already totally kicking butt (or who are lifting up their foot to do so), or people who you know will be supportive, and confide in them. Because you’ll have your own internal freak show to deal with as you try to overcome the objections from your own BS.
The Big Snooze is like an overprotective Italian mother who not only doesn’t want you to ever go outside, but who wants you to live with her forever. Her intentions are good, but fully fear-based. As long as you stay inside the familiar, risk-free zone of your present reality, the Big Snooze is content, but should you try and sneak past her to attend the rockin’ party outside, your overprotective, controlling mother is going to claw, scratch, scream, bite, hurl her body in front of your
rapidly approaching new life—basically she’s going to do whatever she can to stop you. And it ain’t gonna be pretty.
It’s like when you quit smoking or doing drugs and go into withdrawal. Finally, you’ve taken a leap and done something that’s going to massively improve your life, and for days, sometimes weeks, you feel worse than you did when you were a wild child. You’re hacking up all this nasty crap, ridding your body of toxins, shaking, sweating, puking, wondering why on Earth you thought this was a good idea. It’s really fun.
Same goes for when we rid ourselves of limiting subconscious beliefs that have been holding us back and take a giant leap outside our comfort zone. It’s a detox of such staggering proportions that sometimes it can feel like The Universe is conspiring against us—trees fall on our cars, our computers crash, we find our significant others in bed with our best friends, we get our identities stolen, we get the flu, our roofs cave in, we sit in gum—when in reality, The Big Snooze is creating chaos in an attempt to self-sabotage and keep everything as is, instead of moving forward into unknown, yet desperately wanted, new territory. Every successful person knows this and has been through this.
When taking great leaps forward, life often turns to shit before it turns to Shinola.
I realize this might seem a bit far-fetched, but remember, you create your reality. And you’ve spent a lifetime creating the one you presently have largely based on your limiting beliefs. When you decide to re-wire these beliefs, go for what’s truly in your heart and do a massive overhaul on yourself and your world, you’re basically murdering the Big Snooze. And she is going to come at you, rolling pin raised high over her head, to beat you back into your old life. We are very
powerful creatures who create our realities through focused energy, and should our subconscious mind decide to focus that energy at stopping ourselves from taking a risk because it’s freaking out and terrified, things can get a little crazy around here.
The Big Snooze will do everything it can to stop you from changing and growing, especially since you’re attempting to obliterate the very identity that you and everyone else has come to know as “you.”
Never underestimate the power of the Big Snooze scorned.
Sometimes the Big Snooze sets up emotional blocks to try and stop us, other times she gets physical. I have a client who decided to quit his ho-hum yet high-paying job to start his dream company from scratch. He had no idea where to start, what he wanted to do or how he was going to pull it off, and regardless of the fact that he had a family that was counting on him, no guarantees and even fewer leads, he quit his secure job and went for it because he was determined to create a life he loved. That’s when the BS hit the fan—he got not one, but two flat tires after leaving a coaching session with me, his babysitter ran into his wife’s car while driving his car, the water main under his kitchen exploded, and right before his first big deal went through, he got hit by a freakin bus (I’m pleased to report he’s fine). But even with all those extremely convincing excuses to say
Ok, fine, screw it, you win
, he never gave up. Today he finds himself being his own boss, doing what he loves, traveling the world, negotiating multi-million dollar deals, making a huge difference in his clients’ lives, being creative and setting an excellent example for his kids about living life on purpose.
A record producer I worked with decided to build her own recording studio. She put all her money and effort into buying all the recording equipment, instruments, amps, soundproofing, etc., only to
have the entire thing burn to the ground almost immediately after it was completed. Instead of closing the shades, getting into bed and sucking her thumb for the next two years, she raised the money she needed to rebuild an even better studio and is now rocking so hard that she gets to hand pick the musicians she works with and basically live out her fantasy life.
So if you finally decide to quit your soul-crushing job and start the pastry shop of your dreams, be not upset if a truck drives through your front window into your scones. Instead of taking this as a sign that you shouldn’t have opened your shop, take it to mean that you’re ridding yourself of your BS and moving in the right direction.
Growth ain’t for weenies, but it’s no where near as painful as living the life you’re living right now if you’re not
really
going for it. If you want to take control of your life and turn it into something as spectacularly “you” as have the people I described above, stop at nothing. Have faith. Trust that your new life is already here and is far better than the old. Hang tight if the Big Snooze pitches a fit. Whatever happens, stay the course, because there’s nothing cooler than watching your entire reality shift into one that is the perfect expression of you.
I’m okay, I’m not okay.
—The title of my friend Cynthia’s yet-to-be-written autobiography
I have a friend who’s a professional speaker. She’s the kind of person who is so articulate, so powerful and bright and naturally captivating, that she could be standing at the counter, ordering a burrito and I’d get all teary-eyed: ”That’s right! No refried beans! You heard the woman!” So imagine my surprise when, after one of her talks, she plunked herself down next to me and demanded to know how boring it was. I also have gorgeous friends who think they’re hideous looking, brilliant clients who one moment think they’re God’s gift to mankind
and the next need to be talked off the ledge of self-proclaimed ineptitude, and an entrepreneurial neighbor who can’t decide if she’s a financial powerhouse or if she’s about to cause her family to start living underneath a bridge.
Self-perception is a zoo.
We spend our lives drifting between glimpses of our own, infinite glory and the fear that not only are we totally incapable/unworthy/lazy/horrible, but that it’s only a matter of time before someone blows the whistle on us. We torture ourselves incessantly, and for what purpose? If we can glimpse the glory (and I know you can), why do we waste our precious time giving any energy to the other options? Wouldn’t life be so much more fun, productive, and sexy if we fully embraced our magnificently delightful selves?
It’s just as easy to believe we’re awesome as it is to believe we’re giant sucking things.
Takes the same amount of energy. The same amount of focus. So why do we choose all the drama?
Have you ever noticed how when someone you admire goes out and does something phenomenal, you’re happy for her or him, but you’re not surprised—
of course they did something phenomenal, they’re a phenomenal person!
But to get yourself to see how amazing you are is like pushing a giant marshmallow up a hill.
Yes, there we go, we are up, we are awesome! Ooop! We’re sagging—we are sagging on the left! Push it up. There we go. We are all good! Wait, now we’re sagging on the right . . .
We run around, taking one step forward and fourteen steps back when it’s so unnecessary.
Instead, try seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who
admires
you
. They get it. They believe in you leaps and bounds. They aren’t connected to your insecurities and negative beliefs about yourself. All they see is your true glory and potential. Become one of your own die-hard fans, look at yourself from the outside, where all your self doubts can’t crawl all over you, and behold what shines through.
You get to choose how you perceive your reality. So why, when it comes to perceiving yourself, would you choose to see anything other than a super huge rock star of a creature?
You are a badass. You were one when you came screaming onto this planet and you are one now. The Universe wouldn’t have bothered with you otherwise. You can’t screw up so majorly that your badassery disappears.
It is who you are
. It’s who you always will be. It’s not up for negotiation.
You are loved. Massively. Ferociously. Unconditionally. The Universe is totally freaking out about how awesome you are. It’s got you wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration. It wants to give you everything you desire. It wants you to be happy. It wants you to see what it sees in you.
You are perfect. To think anything less is as pointless as a river thinking that it’s got too many curves or that it moves too slowly or that its rapids are too rapid. Says who? You’re on a journey with no defined beginning, middle or end. There are no wrong twists and turns. There is just being. And your job is to be as you as you can be. This is why you’re here. To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less. You are the only you there is and ever will be. I repeat,
you are the only you there is and ever will be
. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.
We are all perfect in our own, magnificent, fucked-up ways. Laugh at yourself. Love yourself and others. Rejoice in the cosmic ridiculousness.
PART 2:
HOW TO EMBRACE YOUR INNER BADASS
If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works.
—Louise Hay; author, publisher, the Godmother of Self-Help who was doing it way back when it still wasn’t cool
I was hanging out at my brother Bobby’s house one day, lying on the couch, watching his then-two-year-old son waddle around. At one point, someone knocked something off the coffee table, and my little nephew bent down to pick it up. Bobby turned to me and said, “Did you see that? The guy knows exactly how it’s done. He bends at the knees, keeps his back straight, hips squared, stomach tight—flawless!”
Thrilled to have such a willing and skilled Exhibit A, Bobby then proceeded to spend the next couple of minutes dropping more things
on the floor—a spoon, a TV remote, an empty can of beer—and my nephew, in perfect form, continued to pick it all up as my brother kept up a running commentary on his posture, muscle usage, seriousness of manner, and the fact that my nephew was pulling it all off with great dignity even though his diaper was sagging.
“It’s incredible. The kid could flip over a car without straining his back. I can barely pull up my pants without having to be rushed to the hospital.”
When we’re born, we have an instinctual understanding of some of the most important basics of life that includes, and goes way beyond, bending at our knees, instead of our lower backs, to pick a beer can up off the floor. We’re born knowing how to trust our instincts, how to breathe deeply, how to eat only when we’re hungry, how to not care about what anyone thinks of our singing voices, dance moves, or hairdos, we know how to play, create, and love without holding back. Then, as we grow and learn from the people around us, we replace many of these primal understandings with negative false beliefs, fear, shame, and self-doubt. Then we wind up in emotional and physical pain. Then we either numb our pain with drugs, sex, booze, TV, Cheetos, etc. Or we settle for mediocrity. OR we rise to the occasion, remember how truly mighty we are, and set out to relearn everything we knew at the beginning all over again.
It’s like we’re born with a big bag of money, more than enough to fund any dream of ours, and instead of following our instincts and our hearts, we invest in what other people believe we should invest in. Some people invest in believing they’re too old to go out clubbing when they love nothing more than the boogie, some invest in being tough and too-cool-for-school when all they want is love and connection, some invest in being ashamed of their sexuality instead of being their gloriously gay selves. As we continue to buy into these things that aren’t even true for us, our inner fortunes dwindle away, and it isn’t
until we reconnect with who we
truly
are and start investing in what’s true for us that we start to live rich, full, authentic lives.
And while there are countless ways that we rip ourselves off, there’s one way in particular that is, without a doubt, the most rampant and the most devastating of all:
we invest everything we’ve got in believing that we’re not good enough.
We arrive here as perfect little bundles of joy and then set about the task of learning to un-love ourselves! How unbelievably ridiculous is that?! Self-love, the simplest yet most powerful thing
ever
, flies right out the window when we start taking in outside information.
I’m not talking about conceit or narcissism, because those things also come from fear and a lack of self-love. I’m talking about a deep connection with our highest selves, and an unshakable ability to forgive our lowest. I’m talking about loving ourselves enough to let go of guilt, resentment, and criticism and embrace compassion, joy, and gratitude.