When we’re happy and all in love with ourselves, we can’t be bothered with the bullshit (our own or other people’s).
Imagine what our world would be like if everyone loved themselves so much that they weren’t threatened by other people’s opinions or skin colors or sexual preferences or talents or education or possessions or lack of possessions or religious beliefs or customs or their general tendency to just be whoever the hell they are. Imagine how different your reality would be (and the reality of everyone surrounding you) if you woke up every morning certain of your own lovability and your critically important role on this planet. And if you poo-pooed shame, guilt, self-doubt, and self-loathing
and allowed yourself to be, do, and have everything your little heart desired.
THAT’S the kind of world I want to live in.
In the interest of perpetuating such radical, reality-altering self-love, here are some of the best ways to win yourself over again:
1. APPRECIATE HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE
There will never be anyone exactly like you. You were given special gifts and talents to share with the world, and even though everybody has special gifts and talents, nobody will use theirs quite the same way you do. You have a way of being in the world and a perspective that’s unique to you. You are the only one who thinks your thoughts the way you think them. You have created your own unique reality and are living your life according to your own unique path. You are the only you that will ever be. You are kind of a big deal.
2. DROWN YOURSELF IN AFFIRMATIONS
Trust me, I wouldn’t do this to you unless I had to, but affirmations work. You don’t have to say them in the mirror, you don’t have to hug yourself or buy a special rainbow journal with a lock on it to write them down in, but if you want to turn the ship around, you need to rewire your brain and train it to think differently. And this is what affirmations can do for you.
Figure out which affirmations you need to hear the most and repeat them all day long in your head, in the car, while you’re walking down the street pretending to be on the phone, under your breathe in line at the DMV. Write them on Post-it notes and stick them around
your house, on your mirrors, in your refrigerator, in your car. Write down your favorite affirmations ten times every morning and ten times every night before you go to bed and say them out loud.
Here are some affirmations specific to self-love. Pick one or two that work for you and pummel yourself with them:
• I deserve and receive massive amounts of love every moment of every day.
• I am one with The Universe. The Universe is awesome and so am I.
• My heart is open. Love pours in and out.
• I receive all the good that life has to offer me.
• I am brilliant, bright, and beautiful.
• I love how tall I am and I love the size of my ass.
Or whatever. If none of these work, come up with some that don’t make you gag but that strike a nerve with you.
The more emotion you feel around what you’re saying, the more power it will have to bring about positive change
. And yes, at the beginning it may feel like you’re lying to yourself, but the truth is, you’re living the lie, so the affirmations get you back to truth.
This can’t be just rattling off nonsense—you have to feel it and want it and get worked up by it in order for it to work.
3. DO THINGS YOU LOVE
When you constantly deny yourself the people, food, things, and experiences that make you feel the most alive, that sends a pretty lousy message home.
Look at your life and see where you’re letting yourself down. If you hear yourself saying things like “I love going out to see live music! I can’t remember the last time I did it,”
make time.
We’re all busy, but it’s the people who make enjoying their lives a priority who, um, enjoy their lives. Right now, there are thousands of people all over the world at yoga retreats overlooking the ocean, dancing their asses off at outdoor music festivals or whooping it up on the Disney Cruise of their dreams. Really listen to how you speak and pay attention to what you do, and make a conscious effort to increase your joy in whatever capacity you can. It can be anything from spending a weekday afternoon with a great friend to quitting your hateful job to buying a pair of completely impractical but completely awesome new shoes to going on a surf vacation in Costa Rica. It’s about being proactive about creating a life you love instead of meekly living the one you think you’re stuck with. Give yourself the gift of a joyous life while you’re still among the living.
Also, if you’re the kind of person who puts everyone else’s needs first, start putting yours up front. Those who are used to you being their personal assistant will still love you, even though they’ll be somewhat grouchy about you not waiting on them hand and foot anymore. Buy a new pair of jeans, open a savings account, hire someone to do your dishes, make your kids clean out the cat box—you aren’t a selfish person for taking care of yourself, just a happier one. Take care of yourself as if you’re the most awesome person you’ve ever met.
4. FIND A REPLACEMENT
We’ve gotten so used to our negative knee-jerk reactions to ourselves that we never think to question them—we simply take them as the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But once we become aware of our thought patterns and behaviors, we can consciously change them. So start paying attention:
What runs through your mind when you look in the mirror?
What happens inside you when you see someone totally succeeding at something you’d love to do but have never let yourself try?
What do you think and feel when you walk up to a group of really good-looking, successful people?
Or when you try your best to pull something off and you fail?
Or when you get dumped by someone who is totally awesome? And hot?
Or when you walk around all day with your fly open?
Or when you leave your coffee on the roof of your car and drive off?
Or when you let a friend down?
Or when you stub your toe on the kitchen table for the tenth time?
Or when you forget your dad’s birthday?
Or when you snap at someone who didn’t quite deserve it as harshly as you gave it to them?
Notice the verbiage that runs through your mind when you’re being the most heinous to yourself and come up with a new-and-improved response.
For example, if every time you look in the mirror, your first thought is
yikes
, make a conscious effort to change it to
hi, gorgeous!
If you have a complicated relationship with your father and beat yourself up every time you say something awful to him, replace
I’m a monster
with
I’m just a little bunny, working through my issues
. And then, of course, apologize to him.
If your standard response to screwing something up is
ugh, Her Royal Clumsiness strikes again
, replace it with
what can I learn from this?
The most important thing is to free yourself from the drama and the conviction that your current version of yourself is the truth. I don’t care if you’re all, “that’s easy for you to say; you don’t have a nose that makes it look like someone parked a yacht on your face.” Because one day you could see some fancy and famous fashion model with a nose far bigger than yours is who decided she was gorgeous anyway, and suddenly you’ll feel beautiful and confident and all proud of your nose when, just the day before, you were considering getting it sawed off.
This is how ridiculous we are.
Do not spend your life clinging to the insulting decisions you’ve made about yourself. Instead, make the conscious choice to replace them with new and improved ones.
5. DITCH THE SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR
Incessant self-deprecating humor is for losers. I get it—it can be hilariously funny and I’m totally guilty of it from time to time and there’s nobody I’d more enjoy backing over with my car than the guy who can’t laugh at himself, but I’m talking about the nonstop, self-flagellating,
I Suckfest. Ripping on yourself gets old. Fast. Especially if it’s your shtick. So if you’re one of those people who falls back on making fun of yourself, every hour on the hour, not only are you basically begging people to think you’re a loser, but you’re begging yourself to think you’re a loser. It’s like hitting yourself over and over with a crowbar. Why on earth would you do that to your awesome self?
What you tell yourself on a daily basis is more powerful than you know. Seemingly harmless jokes, over time, turn into seriously destructive beliefs. Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs, our beliefs become our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our realities. So if your favorite joke is that you couldn’t get a date if you demanded one at gunpoint, and you spend every Saturday night alone, perhaps you should come up with a new one-liner.
And most importantly, constantly making fun of yourself is such a cheap way to be funny. Anyone can do it. So push yourself to come up with a new script. Your confidence, and we humor snobs, will thank you.
6. LET THE LOVE IN
Receive compliments gracefully instead of countering with a disclaimer such as, “Oh, this ratty old thing?” Try this instead: “Thank you.” Period.
Take care of your body, too. We, if you’re anything like me, run around doing all our busy work with our poor bodies flapping behind us like old wind socks. When we’re pressed for time, it’s often the first thing to get overlooked. “I’ve got five meetings today, I’ll do my yoga tomorrow and have a power bar for lunch.” Meanwhile, during our little sojourn here on earth, we need our bodies more than they need us. Say nice things about your body, dress it up, and take it out. Give it hot
sex, luxurious baths, and massages. Move it, stretch it, nourish it, hydrate it, pay attention to it—The better our bodies feel, the happier and more productive we are.
7. DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Have you ever done something that you’re so proud of and feel all on top of the world about until you see that someone else has done something similar that, in your mind, is better, and all of a sudden you feel sad?
Comparison is the fastest way to take all the fun out of life.
It’s none of your business what other people are doing. All that matters is that you’re enjoying yourself and pleased with what you’re creating. It’s precisely your uniqueness that makes you awesome— deciding that someone else’s uniqueness is better than your own isn’t exactly being your own best buddy about things.
Can you imagine what our world would be like if our biggest heroes succumbed to the perils of comparison? If Marilyn Monroe compared herself to Kate Moss and decided she needed to lose her curves? Or if the guys in Led Zeppelin compared themselves to Mozart?
Dude. That guy’s huge. Way huger than we’ll ever be and he doesn’t even have a drummer. I think we should get rid of ours and maybe add some harps while we’re at it.
You are more than enough. Avoid comparison like the plague.
8. FORGIVE YOURSELF (LISTEN UP! THIS ONE’S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.)
You have screwed up in the past. You will screw up again. Every human is born with the ability to make spectacular mistakes. You are not alone, screwing up is not your special skill. Get over it. Dragging around guilt and self-criticism is beyond unhealthy and is utterly pointless, not to mention boring. You aren’t a better person for feeling guilty or bad about yourself, just a sadder one.
Get clear on this one truth: guilt, shame, and self-criticism are some of the most destructive forces in your life, which is why forgiving yourself is one of the most powerful. Here’s an excellent way to do it:
Think of a specific thing that you did that you feel badly about. Call it up in your mind and feel it in your body. Repeat the following over and over while thinking of it and really feel what you’re saying to yourself:
Holding on to my bad feelings about this is doing nothing but harming me, and everyone else, and preventing me from enjoying my life fully. I am an awesome person. I choose to enjoy my life. I choose to let this go.
Repeat this until you feel a sense of freedom and lightness around your issue. It may take a day or a week or several months or it could happen right away. But however long it takes, do it, because if you want to be free, you have to put in the time. (See
Chapter 15
for more tips on forgiveness and letting go.) And if you need to apologize to someone, pick up the phone.
9. LOVE YOURSELF
Because it’s the Holy Grail of happiness.
I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb.
I also know I’m not blonde.
—Dolly Parton; singer, songwriter, actress, altruist, businesswoman, bright shiny light
A friend of mine—a brilliant writer—once called me in a panic when she suddenly became frozen with fear over the subject matter of the book she was working on and could no longer bring herself to write it.
Her book was, among many other splendid things, very personal, dark, and twisted, and my friend was concerned that it was too much. That it was crossing the line.
That she was exposing herself as a giant weirdo pervert freak.
This brings up something that’s SO important to have a firm grasp on if you’re going to get anywhere near reaching your full potential in this life as a writer, an artist, a businessperson, a parent, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick-maker or as a fully realized and evolved human being in general: