DO NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME GIVING ONE SINGLE CRAP ABOUT WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS OF YOU.
Imagine how liberating that would be!
Other people’s opinions motivate every move we make in our teens and our twenties. And, as we age, if we’re moving in the right direction, our obsession with how we’re perceived by others begins to trickle away, but very few of us are able to escape its pointless grasp completely.
Meanwhile, the truth is, the only questions you ever need to consider when making decisions about your life are:
1. Is this something I want to be, do, or have?
2. Is this going to take me in the direction I want to go (not
should
go)?
3. Is this going to screw over
*
anybody else in the process?
We throw a wet blanket of ho-hummery over our lives when we live in fear of what others might think, instead of in celebration of who we are.
Yes, it’s part of our survival instinct to care—get booted from the tribe and you’ll freeze to death or starve or be eaten by wolves. But because we have big brains and the ability to manifest anything we set our minds to, there is another version that’s equally plausible: Get booted from the tribe and start, or find, another tribe that’s more your style. You could not only wind up doing what you love surrounded by people you adore who you actually relate to, but you might one day realize you can no longer remember the names of the people whose approval you so desperately thought you would die without.
Nobody who ever accomplished anything big or new or worth raising a celebratory fist in the air did it from their comfort zone. They risked ridicule and failure and sometimes even death. Think of the Wright brothers. Can you imagine how that whole thing went down?
Margaret:
Did you hear about poor Susan?
Ruth:
Susan Wright?
Helen:
Such a disgrace. Poor thing.
Ruth:
What happened?
Margaret:
Well, her sons . . .
Helen:
As if she hasn’t suffered enough. Birthing two boys as big as buffaloes, and now this . . .
Margaret:
Seems her two sons . . .
Helen:
You gonna eat the rest of your tapioca pudding? Mind if I help myself?
Ruth:
Tell me already, Margaret!
Margaret:
Well, this is going to sound as crazy as it is but they . . .
Helen:
And now her sons think they can fly. Such a shame.
Margaret:
. . . Her sons think—they think they can fly.
Ruth:
Think they can fly?
Margaret:
Yes, they think they can fly. They talk of nothing else.
Helen:
She just had the house painted, too. They’ll probably have to move out of town now. . . .
Once you step away from the herd and let your true self shine, you’ll probably find yourself in front of the opinion firing squad (especially if what you want to do is extraordinary and outside of everyone’s comfort zones), which is why so many people run screaming from the lives they’d so love to live. Merely allowing yourself to be seen is a risk. I mean, look at how we treat celebrities—their every move is picked apart and passed around and discussed and judged and photographed without makeup on. It’s a wonder that only half of them spend time in rehab.
You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for whether or not people freak out about it.
Two people can walk out of the same movie, one person clinging to the walls, bloodshot and devastated, leaving a trail of tissues, more moved by this film than any other film in the history of cinema while the other person goes marching up to the ticket counter and demands her money back because she thought it was the worst piece of garbage to ever be projected onto a screen.
One movie, two very different experiences. Why?
Because it’s not about the movie, it’s about the moviegoers.
What other people think about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
The trick is to not only deny the criticism any power over you, but, even more challenging, to not get caught up in the praise. There’s nothing wrong with blushingly accepting a compliment, but if you find yourself always seeking outside approval that you’re good enough or cool enough or talented enough or worthy enough, you’re screwed. Because if you base your self-worth on what everyone else thinks of you, you hand all your power over to other people and become dependent on a source outside of yourself for validation. Then you wind up chasing after something you have no control over, and should that something suddenly place its focus somewhere else, or change its mind and decide you’re no longer very interesting, you end up with a full-blown identity crisis.
All that matters is what’s true for you, and if you can stay connected to that without straying, you will be a mighty superhero.
Everything else is just other people’s perception of reality, and that is none of your business.
So how can you truly not care what other people think and be your most powerful Self?
1. ASK YOURSELF WHY
Why are you about to say or do something? Is it to be liked? To put someone down because you feel insecure? To get someone back because they made a fat joke about your mother? Or is it coming from a place of strength and truth? Are you doing it because it’ll be fun? Because you feel called to do it? Because it’ll change someone else’s life in a positive, martyr-free way? Pay attention to your motivations (be honest). Practice coming from a place of integrity and you will be victorious.
2. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
There’s no faster way to fall prey to outside input than when you’re feeling insecure. And there’s no better way to feel insecure than knowing you half-assed something or don’t really believe in what you’re doing. No matter what it is—raising your prices or raising your children—if you do the absolute best you possibly can, and come from a place of integrity, then you can be proud of yourself and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
3. TRUST YOUR INTUITION
Birds use their intuition to navigate their way to breeding grounds halfway around the world. Deer and rabbits and other prey type beasts use their intuition to avoid running into predators. The average human, on the other hand, will take the advice of their drunk-before-noon neighbor across the street instead of doing what deep down we know is best. How many times have you thought in hindsight,
I knew I should have listened to my gut!?
You have an incredible, inner guidance tool that you can use whenever you need it. Tell everyone to shut up and go away, get quiet, give yourself room to feel and think. You have all the answers inside of you. Practice sharpening your intuition, take the time to strengthen your connection to Source Energy, and trust that you know what’s best for you. The more centered and tuned-in you are, the mightier you will be (look for more tips on how to do this later in this book).
4. FIND A TEMPORARY ROLE MODEL
Find a mentor or a hero or a role model. Get clear on why this person is impressive and inspiring to you, and when faced with a challenge that leaves you guessing how to react, ask yourself,
What would my hero do?
Not caring what others think is a muscle that can take some time to build up, so use this trick while you’re still getting strong, and before you know it, you’ll be able to ditch your hero and start asking yourself,
What would I do?
5. LOVE YOURSELF
No matter what anyone else thinks.
IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT OUTSIDE OPINIONS: While you are unauthorized to base your self-worth on what other people think, it doesn’t mean you should miss out on the opportunity to benefit from outside input altogether. Especially input from those who know you well.
There is such a thing as constructive criticism, and constructive complimenting. But whether or not they are constructive depends on you.
For example, if people have been telling you for years that you’re a hothead, that they feel like they can’t be open with you because the second you disagree with them you blow up in their faces, ask yourself
Is this true (be honest)? Can I use this information to better myself and the lives of others?
If the answer is yes, commit to making the necessary changes; if the answer is no, let it go.
Same goes for compliments. If people constantly tell you you’re a good listener, ask yourself,
Is this compliment true for me? Can I use this information to better myself and the lives of others?
Again, if the answer is yes, figure out how you can capitalize on it; if the answer is no, let it go.
Sometimes it’s easier for other people to see what we can’t see ourselves, so if they can help us connect with our truths and live happier, more authentic lives, then it’s worth taking the time to listen.
It still ultimately comes down to what’s true for you, however, so the more connected to your inner truth you are, the easier it will be to use outside opinions to your advantage, rather than let them rule your life.
*
The definition of
screwing someone over
is taking their money and doing a lousy job or destroying their water source or enslaving populations, things like that—your mother being disappointed or your father disapproving or your friends being outraged does not qualify as screwing someone over.
The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.
—Joseph Campbell; American mythologist, author whose books/ideas influenced the making of
Star Wars
Getting clear about what your unique purpose is can be the difference between living a happy, fulfilled life of abundance, choice, and expansiveness or living in the restrictive veal pen of your own indecision and tired old excuses.
A gift, of course, is meant to be given, which is why it’s so brutal
when we can’t figure out what ours is, or when we know what it is, but we’re too lame to act on it: here we have the perfect gift to share with the world, just bursting to be opened, and we keep it sitting there, wrapped tightly in a box, growing old and gathering dust. Oh the waste! The agony!
Meanwhile, the joy of giving someone the perfect gift is unparalleled. We all know how it feels, hopping back and forth from foot to foot, wringing our hands, practically peeing in our pants, begging them to open it. OPEN IT ALREADY!
Jesus H. Christ . . . here let me freakin’ do it!
The power of giving is so strong that the excitement and the good feelings are often greater for the giver than for the receiver.
Which is why, when you find your calling and you design your life in such a way that you can share your gifts with the world on a consistent basis, you feel like a rock star.
When we share what we were brought here to give, we are in alignment with our highest, most powerful selves.
Most people, however, wander through their lives giving the tasteful candle version of their gifts. You know—they don’t show up to the party empty-handed or anything; they present their somewhat flaccid gift to the world, receive a warm hug, and an, “Oh, you shouldn’t have,” in return, but they don’t knock it out of the park. For example, they get a job doing something that they either hate or that’s a bit of a yawn but is, you know, okay. It affords them a life that covers the basics as long as they don’t go too crazy. They do fun stuff but not as much as they’d like because they don’t have the money. Or the time. Or the belief that they deserve to. They have little victories here and
there, they meet their sales quota and win the six-day cruise to the Bahamas or rack up enough miles to go stay with their aunt and see the Olympics or finally sit down and write an entire song that they may or may not ever record or perform, but they never truly go for it and create a life that really lights them up. They basically Big Snooze their lives away.
Every single person is born with unique and valuable gifts to share with the world. Once we figure out what ours are, and decide to live our lives putting them to use, that’s when, and only when, the real party begins. Living a life on purpose is available to
everyone
. So if you’re struggling or settling or completely confused about what you’re supposed to do with your life, know that the answer is already here. It exists and so does the life you can’t wait to create. You just need to get some clarity first.
There are entire books written on finding your calling (some of the best of which I share in the Resources section in the back of this book and on my website), but the following are a few of my favorite tips.
Keep in mind there’s no right way to go about this. Everyone’s journey is unique, but we’re all trying to get to the same place—the place where we feel happiest, the most alive, and the most like ourselves.
Even if you’ve nailed the perfect career for yourself, read on, because these tips can help you in all areas of your life.
How to get clear on who you are and what your calling is:
1. BE THE ALIEN
Imagine that you’re an alien floating around in outer space and you suddenly swoop down to Earth and inhabit your own body. As the alien,
everything about this life is new to you. You look around—what do you see? What is this person who you’ve inhabited so obviously awesome at? What do they have the most fun doing? What connections do they have? What resources and opportunities are available to them?
As the alien, to whom everything is new and exciting and there’s nothing at risk and no past to lug around, what are you going to do with this incredible new life you’ve stepped into? How are you going to use this new body and this existence to create something fabulous and awesome starting right now?