Your Little Secret (10 page)

She loved Ethan. Of course she loved Ethan. He was there for her through the years she thought she would be alone. He held her hand in public; fixed her laces for her if they came undone and always bought her lunch. He treated her with utmost respect and she told him no. He told her no. The water was dripping from the windowsill in heavy droplets onto her laminate flooring. Staring at the water, it made her cry harder. She wanted them both, but sometimes she knew you couldn't always have what you wanted. Sniffing and feeling her body seize up from tears, she lay across the sofa. What if Connor wants to stay in London? Could she make that life change?

No.

Ethan.

Trying not to love him in a way she could only describe as inevitable proved the impossible. She had always found Ethan sexy, desirable, lustrous. His messy blonde hair always made her want to run her fingers through it, when he smiled and these little dimples appeared at the corners of his mouth, she always wanted to kiss them. Radiant blue eyes, filled with such love for everyone in his life. Yeah, he had a body any man would die for, but that's because he spent all of his Uni years working his arse off at the gym to even recover some muscle weight. When she had first met him, he was a skinny bloke, with some random girl on his arm. But she may have loved him even then.

Sighing, Amber stood from the sofa and breathed in shuddered breaths at her melt down. Picking up the soaked cushion she walked over to the kitchen and put it in the sink. Pulling out her dustpan and brush she cleaned up the mess that had acquired on her living room floor.

***

His hands were all over her body, touching her in areas she begged to be touched. His fingers played among her, making her weaker to him every second. Feeling his tongue entwine with hers she gave in and let him lick across her lips, touching her tongue with playful strokes. Kissing that sensitive part of her neck she groaned loudly under him. Her back arched at his touch, causing inexplicable desire to flow through her blood. Feeling his fingers at her core, she couldn't stop the orgasm that overwhelmed her, took over her body, seeping into her blood stream with amount-less energy. Fluttering his lips over her breast, she moaned again and felt his erection digging into her hips.

"It's meant to be us," he whispers seductively into her ear. "It was always us, Ambi."

Snapping
awake Amber awoke to the TV on mute and Ethan napping in the corner. What just happened? She doesn't remember Ethan coming over, but she does remember the empty bottle of Jack Daniels on her coffee table.

Shit. Did she really drink over a litre? Feeling the pain course through her stomach she leapt to her feet and up the stairs to the bathroom to rid her body of excess alcohol. Wiping her mouth with a flannel she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. Ethan was here, she drank a lot of JD, and she had a meltdown earlier today.
Seems legitimate. Cocking her neck from side to side she felt a sense of satisfaction that Ethan was here.

She wanted to go sleep in his arms and feel her safety net that she craved so badly.
Tiptoeing down the stairs, each stair creaking louder than the next. When she reached the bottom, she switched off the TV, moonlight illumined the room and she walked slowly over to Ethan. Wanting to feel his heat against her skin, she felt the need to love him and give him what he deserves. Shaking her head to rid her mind of still drunken thoughts she sat on the arm of the uncomfortable armchair that Ethan had found himself in and stroked his soft stubbly cheek. Leaning down gently, she kissed his forehead. Feeling some kind of bravery, probably from the Jack Daniels, she kissed the lips she longed for. Touching hers to his, he didn't awake, only stirred gently.

"I think I'm in love with you Ethan." Amber whispered as she moved some stray hair from his eyes. "And I can't stop it."

Slumping into the armchair, Amber could feel how far from sobriety she was. She should go back upstairs, but her eyes were stuck on Ethan. He really was the most beautiful man living, but then so was Connor. Covering her face in frustration, Amber hated herself for a moment. How the hell did she get into this mess? How did she allow her heart to deviate from one man’s love to another and back like love wasn’t some special, fragile gift?

And there was one thing she knew was going to happen. There was always going to be one broken heart at the end of this all. Well actually two because she knew when her decision was made her heart would ache over the man she didn’t choose.

There was no winning in this situation.

As that thought sobered her more than anything else, Amber got up and went to the kitchen. Just like before, she grabbed a fresh bottle of alcohol, sat at the exact same seat at the table and opened the bottle. Taking the first chug of alcohol she felt it burn on her taste buds and only realised herself that she’d grabbed the bottle of tequila. She already had a mouth dry from the earlier onslaught of finding sweet intoxication, but the tequila was harder, sharper and burnt far more in her chest.

She took another sip, settled the bottle onto the table and stared forward at the fridge before her. The one covered in photos that summed up the very best moments of her life. Spinning the bottle around in her hands, she knew that tomorrow was going to be horrendous at work. It was a Monday which killed the mood, but a hangover was not what she needed.

“One day,” she whispered and looked down at the lip to the bottle before her.
“One day and a week off.”

“You’re talking to yourself again,” Ethan’s weary voice travelled at her from the doorway. “And drinking again,” he pointed as he moved into the room, taking the seat directly opposite her.

“I have issues I’m working on,” she told him, took a swig and handed him the bottle. She was actually pleased when he joined her and she remembered him doing the same when she hit the Jack Daniels earlier. “How did you wind up here?”

Ethan laughed. “Well, after your rambling on the phone and Lucy alerting me that you had left hers in a bit of a funk, I decided to take a stroll round here and there you were, sitting there with a bottle of Jack just staring off. Seriously what is with you lately, Amber?”

“Everything,” she gave the same response as she had Lucy. “I just feel like everything right now is a mess and I don’t know what decisions are right and which are wrong. I thought life was meant to get easier the older we got, Ethan? Right now, I’m really stuck between a rock and a hard place and I fucking hate it.” She took a deep breath. “I’m losing me.”

“No you’re not,” Ethan said as he leaned in towards her across the table. “You make the right decisions for
you
,” Ethan told her, his hands clasped on the table before him, his expression unreadable, his eyes just staring at her. “Everyone else doesn’t matter as long as you do what is right for yourself. It’s your happiness as well as everyone else, but right now, Ambs, you’re not happy. You’re fucking miserable.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled unhappily back at him even though she knew it was the truth.

“Hey,” he spoke up, changing his tone, “I didn’t mean it horribly. It’s the truth. You are living in a limbo right now between not knowing if you are coming or going with Connor. You’re clearly not happy with me dating Eva,” he watched her gawp at him and he laughed. “You hated Eva in Uni why would that change?”

“We’ve grown up,” she told him and took a swig from the bottle. “You can love whoever you
wanna, Ethan.”

From the way her head was swimming, Amber knew the tequila was gripping with her veins, making her drunker than before. She was going to say something she didn’t want to and she knew she wouldn’t know until she couldn’t take it back. Maybe that broken heart would happen sooner rather than later.

“You’re a big boy now, you don’t need little Amber’s approval,” she told Ethan with a grin. “But I will tell you now, if she dare act like the stuck up bitch she did in Uni and expect you to wait on her hand and foot, I will slap her first then punch you.”

“Me?” Ethan asked, hurt by the motivated attack.

“You’re not a doormat,” Amber pointed out and smirked, giving a wink to go with her sarcastic insult. “You don’t let her walk all over you. You show her you want a proper relationship filled with mutual decisions, equal feelings and joint duties. She needs to prove to you this isn’t a repeat of Uni.” She looked at him daringly. “I dare see her pulling rank and I’m putting a stop to it.”

“Are you getting protective?” he asked her, a smirk on his face.

“Yes,” she told him gently. “I only want what’s best for you. I only ever want that.”

Getting up, Amber got up to leave the room, but Ethan grabbed her hand and stood up, pulling her back at him. She had intended to get him extra bedding so they could get some sleep, but that seemed to go out of the window the moment she caught the look in his eyes that sent shivers up her spine.

He slammed her into wall by the door and kissed her. He kept her pinned, their kiss fast and pressured as they both gave in and then Ethan stopped. He pulled away and looked at her, his breathing heaving like hers.

“I should get home,” he told her, unable to look her in the eyes. He then backed away, freeing her from his body and just walked out of the house.

Amber was right – hearts were meant to break.

Running after him, seduced and bemused by his assault she followed him down the pavement barefoot and drunk. "Ethan, wait!" Not knowing she was following him he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Go back inside, Amber, please, I can't lose you and I've just ruined any chance I ever had. So please, just go away." Feeling the tears build against the dam, she cracked under the pressure.

"You don't know what you're saying, Ethan, please just talk to me."

Turning fast on his heel, his face looked bleak. "Amber," he warned, walking fast towards her. Stopping inches from her face he leaned his forehead against hers. "Forget what I just did in there, you probably will anyway. Just forget it, Amber please, I can't lose you."

Feeling the dampness against his cheek as she stroked her fingers along it, she looked into his broken eyes. "What do you want, Ethan? Tell me." Sniffing loudly he pulled away and pulled his hands to his head. Running his hands through his hair he shook his head at her.

"You have been blinded by this for so long, Amber. I've loved you forever." Swallowing hard Amber took a step back. "You and me, we can't be together, we just can't. Yeah, I adore every single fucking thing about you, you are the reason I live in this shitty area. Without you, I would be long gone by now. Yes, we slept together at University, but what did that matter to you? You were with Connor before I could even ask about anything else." She couldn't help it, the ball was there and she let out such a loud booming laugh.

"Connor," she said nodding her head and biting her lip hard. "Fucking Connor, Ethan? Are you stupid?" Walking back towards her front gate she shook her head.  "You believe that, that's fine. Consider me lost." When those last three words left her mouth she covered her mouth with her hand. Tears came unbidden and fast and Ethan ran back down the street towards the girl he loved.

"Tell me now!" He roared in her face and she sobbed into her hand. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and demanded eye contact.  "Ambi, tell me." He said stroking the hot tears away from her cheeks.

"Eva." She whispered through aching sobs. "
Eva, told me you slept with her. That same day. That same night. Please, I can't." Pushing herself away from him he just held her tightly trying to accept this information.

"I didn't sleep with Eva then, Amber. God you must think I'm such a dick."

Letting his arms wrap around her she felt her body shiver through the cold Yorkshire air and he hushed softly into her hair. She let him hold her and she felt truly sated with him. Connor was a distant thought in her mind as Ethan's fingers drifted slowly up and down her back, keeping her calm. Once the tears had stopped she pulled away slightly and let him kiss her forehead.

"I'm
gonna go home. You go back in there, and sleep. I'll see you then okay? Text me, call me, whatever. Don't let it be Lucy again, just you okay?" Nodding her head she kissed his cheek and he leaned into her so they were forced to embrace again. Pulling away Ethan walked to his car and she watched him drive away.

Walking back into her cold home, she ran up the stairs to bury herself under the duvet. Ethan did want her. He always did. Lies that were told then changed everything. This was all Eva's fault. If she wasn't feeling sorry for herself the night after her first time with Ethan, she would have never met Connor.

Connor's face flooded her mind and she thought about all the reasons why she loved him, and she did so much more than anyone could ever feel. Love was supposed to survive distance, yet here she was, feeling unbidden, unwanted feelings for the man who always saved her, when he was working hard to give them a better life in London.

She traced her finger along her lower lip, remembering Ethan's kiss and pulled out her Laptop from under the bed. Logging on, she logged onto her usual
Facebook and stared at the blue and white features for a moment. Desperate to see Ethan's face she clicked on his profile and scanned his photos. His albums were filled with times they had spent together.

'Me and
Ambi at the Zoo, Amber's 22nd birthday, Trip to Paris, Fun in the sun'. There were just so many memories.