You're Always in the Last Place You Look (10 page)

“Stalking you of course,” he razzed. “What do you think? I wanted to see you before school.”

I finished rubbing Swat around AJ’s eyes. “Ahhh, you were worried about me...”

He smiled. “Yeah, that too.” His nostrils flared. “What is that? It kinda stinks.”

“Keeps the flies out of his eyes.” I opened the back door, and
shooshed
AJ out into his pen. I glanced at the sky and saw only blue, so I closed his door to keep him from messing in his stall. Dad’s mare, Grace, preferred going in her pen, but not AJ. If a stall was open, the brat used it. I was sure he did it just so he could laugh at me while I cleaned his stall.

“Are you really doing okay?” Zane asked from right behind me.

I turned, nodding. “Yeah, I am.” Looking up at him, I smiled at his concern. “I dreamt about you last night, and didn’t even feel guilty about it.”

He didn’t laugh. “Gabe...”

I shook my head at him. “All these years I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t feel anything, at least not like all the other guys. While they talked about jacking off and the girls they banged, I hid feeling defective, like I had been born broken. But you showed me I’m not broken. So what if I’m gay?” I tapped my chest. “I’m okay with that. I’d rather embrace this—who I am, than believe I’m incapable of feeling lo—affection.”

He nodded once, a tiny smile playing with his lips. “All right, I get that.” His hand ran through his hair, and the urge to run my own fingers through the gleaming strands had me shoving my hands in my front pockets. “So, did you talk to your parents?” he asked casually, but I saw a dash of concern clouding his eyes.

Making a face, I shook my head emphatically. “One thing at a time. Everything’s still shiny and new and I’m not
quite
ready for it all to dull just yet.” I glanced at him. “You never did answer my question.”

“Which one?” he asked, confused.

“How you knew.”

His head bowed for a second before he met my eyes. “I wasn’t completely sure, but I was
really
hoping.” At my look of surprise, he elaborated. “When you removed the stinger from my neck...” He bit his lip ring, and lowered his eyes. “I wanted you to kiss me so badly. I’m usually really reserved about these things...”

I reached up, his eyes going wide as I pulled his head down, and without any hesitation I kissed him. I meant to only give him a peck, but I couldn’t help lingering as a sweet rush traveled through, making my toes dance inside my boots. As I released him, I ran my thumb down his vine tattoo.

“Like that?”

His face turned pink as he fought a smile. Toying with his tongue stud, he cleared his throat, and nodded. I chuckled over his discomfort. It was the first time I had seen him truly taken off guard, and I reveled in being the one able to do that to him.

“Gabriel, you’re going to be late for school,” Dad called. “Is something wrong with AJ?”

I checked us both quickly, making sure nothing looked out of the ordinary, then went and checked the slide bolt on the door I had already latched. “No, he’s fine. I sprayed them both down with fly spray.”

I turned to find my dad in the aisle glancing curiously from me to Zane.

“Um, Dad, this is Zane, the Cormley’s nephew. He came by to, ah—”

“I know who he is. How are you doing, Zane?” My dad stepped down into the stall, his pastors’ smile firmly in place, and extended his hand.

Zane shook it, and my dad enclosed his hand, patting Zane’s before letting go.

“Good, Pastor Simmons. Gabe’s been helping me get caught up with some of my schoolwork. I’m nervous about a test, and stopped by to see if he’d drill me on the way to school.” It was an all out lie, but way to save me— us.

He nodded, not appearing convinced since it wasn’t any secret that I wasn’t the best student. Thankfully, he chose to let it slide. “How’s AJ’s side?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s fine. All closed up actually. I don’t even think it’ll scar.”

My dad nodded again. “Good. You boys better be off or you’ll be late.”

With a quick bye, we scurried out of there as if the barn were on fire.

Once safely in the woods I started chuckling, then laughing, and soon Zane had joined in. “I can’t believe I almost got caught making out in our barn...by my
dad
!”

Zane stopped laughing, and gave me a peculiar look. “Your dad’s never caught you making out with anyone?”

Suddenly sober, I shook my head. Taking hold of my jacket, he pulled me to a stop.

“Wait...You’ve never even made out with a girl?” He didn’t ask in a mean way, more surprised than anything.

“I have. Just...not often.” I wrinkled my nose at the memories of my less than stellar performances.

“You didn’t like it.”

I shook my head, and his head bounced as if he understood. The girl that had been hanging all over Zane at the rodeo came back to me, accompanied by a quick flash of jealousy.

“Are you bi?” I asked, then added quickly, “It doesn’t matter...”

“Nooo.” It was his turn to wrinkle his nose.

“Then why were you with that girl at the rodeo?”

His brow furrowed, then his eyes cleared. “Jesus, you
saw
that.” His head lolled back as he paced a small circle, hands roaming through his hair, the static laced strands clinging to the orange bandana on his wrist. “That’s why you wouldn’t talk to me...”

“Yeah. It wasn’t my place, but I was kinda mad about it,” I admitted.

“That makes two of us. It was Chuck’s idea, and he kept watching me. I thought he might suspect—I’m not used to having to hide who I am, and I didn’t know what else to do.” He tipped his head, giving me a speculative look. “What about you? What’s up with you and Tye? Because that guy’s
awfully
protective of you.”

I smirked, brows rising. “He is. But we’re just friends. We’ve been roping together a long time, so we spend a lot of time with each other.” Shrugging, I added, “Plus, he knows.”

“Based on the deadly looks he was giving me, I’ll wager he knows about me too.” Zane released a worried sigh.

“He does. He won’t say anything though. His best friend is the only guy out at our school, and he knew Gary was gay long before anyone else did.”

Zane nodded slowly as I spoke, appearing awfully distant for a guy standing right in front of me.

“What is it?”

He scuffled a foot, as a sad smile tugged at his lips. “Nothing...just thinking.”

I stepped up to him, laying a hand on his chest. “I take it you were out at your other school?”

The sadness diminished, and his eyes narrowed. “You’re doing pretty damn well considering you’ve only been out to yourself since yesterday. But yeah...I’ve always known who I am. My family”—his eyes closed—“my family and friends always knew too. I never had to hide anything.” His eyes relaxed as he ran a thumb across my cheek. “I have no idea how you’ve done it so long. I think that’s pretty brave.”

Laying my hand over his, I leaned into the touch, the sensation, the warmth, surprisingly comfortable within myself, yet unsure how to take the admiration showing in his blue eyes. I was anything but brave. If it hadn’t been for him, I may have lived my life a lie. A bit melodramatic, but I doubt I ever would have taken that first step myself.

Leaning my head against his chest, I told him, “I’m only here because you made me really look at myself.”

He kissed my hair, then teased, “Not because you like me?”

I lifted my head, meeting his eyes. “That too.”

Something soft and fleeting roamed over his face. “I’m sure we’re late...”

“I don’t care.”

He laughed, hugging me against him. “Jesus, I’m corrupting you already.”

Chapter Twelve

As I sat down with Lily, I was still wearing the goofy grin that had emerged after Zane and I shared an additional few rather breathless moments in the woods, making us horridly late for first period. We had entered a few minutes apart, and since it was my first ever offense, Mr. Taylor let it slide with a warning. He didn’t even bother to reprimand Zane, just marked him present with a tick from his pen accompanied by a solemn movement of his head.

“Have you been to visit Chuck’s apothecary shop?”

“What?
No
.” Making a face, I shook my head. I’d smoked a joint once, and it wasn’t for me. I crashed something fierce, and woke up naked in Mr. Potter’s hay field over a mile from where the rodeo team had been partying. My clothes had been
humorously
scattered across eighty acres. Yet another group I didn’t fit in with, and I pretty much stayed away from them after that experience.

She tipped her head. “You look an awful lot like my aunt did when she was pregnant with the twins. Your skin’s all shiny and pink. And your eyes are bright and feverish looking. You feel okay?”

“I’m ninety percent certain I’m not pregnant. And yes, I feel fine, no morning sickness or anything.”

She rolled her eyes, then frowned, and swiveled her head, following my eye line.
Damn
. I had been staring at Zane as he made his way through the lunch line, and hadn’t realized it.

“Don’t look!” I hissed.

She turned quickly back, her mouth open, and eyes wide. “You got laid didn’t you?” She leaned over the table. “By a guy!”

I choked, soda coming out my nose. “
What
!
No
,” I sputtered, wiping my mouth as pain seared my sinuses. Damn, who’d of thought carbonated liquid could hurt you? I blew my nose on a napkin, trying to get rid of the sting, and stop my eyes from watering.

By the time I wiped all the fizzy liquid from my nose, she was power eating her tuna sandwich, looking like a cat with a dragonfly. Eyes focused, claws flexed, ready to pounce should I try to escape. Then I spotted my savior; all brawn and acne, slinking across the cafeteria, a finger to his lips as he snuck up behind Lily. Jason, Lily’s boyfriend of three years, proudly went to the community college now, and this was the first time I could remember him slumming.

Lily swallowed the last bite of her sandwich, and delicately wiped the crumbs from her fingers. “Are you going to make me guess? Because I could come up with some really fabulous reasons—” Jason tickled her ribs causing Lily to spook off her chair. Thankfully the guy was quick, and caught her before she hit the floor, or he might have suffered a black eye, or worse. I didn’t even try to understand their love-hate relationship. I’d quit counting the number of times Lily had slapped or punched him long ago.

“Whoa, babe, easy.” He set her on her feet.

She smacked his wide chest hard, glaring lethally. “What are you doing here?”

He seized her abusive hand, and kissed her palm. Lily’s glare broke, and she smiled demurely, tugging on the overly abundant blond chest hair erupting from his cream v-neck t-shirt. For as long as I could remember the guy had been covered in hair, and I mean
covered
. Lily thought it was sexy. I had always had a difficult time agreeing with her. I looked him over with my new perspective—furry was definitely
not
my thing.

“What? I can’t come see you at the old alma mater?” Jason asked.

“You never have before. You consider it beneath you, remember?”

Seeing my chance for escape, I stood, gulping down the last of my Coke. Crushing the can, I shoved my granola bar into my jeans pocket with no concern as to its edibility later.

“I’ll talk to you later, Lily. Jason, good to see you.” With the formalities done, I took one last eyeful of Zane, who happened to be in the middle of a food squabble with the basketball team’s table, then turned to take my leave.

“Oh no you don’t. Sit your ass back down, mister.” Lily seized my sleeve, holding tight.

I tugged her close so Jason couldn’t hear. “Listen, I didn’t get laid, and, um, just let it go for now, okay?”

Her grip loosened as a small hurt frown pulled down her normally cheery face. “If something’s going on, you’d tell me right?”

“You’re my best friend, but this time there’s more than just my lack of reputation to worry about.”

“He’s really cute by the way.” She smiled cattily, letting her fingers trail off my arm as she went back to Jason, who happened to be eating her chips. She smacked him across the back of the head, and I left chuckling over his flair for really ticking her off. Even I knew not to eat her chips unless she offered them to me.

*

I glanced at the green plaid pajamas in my hand, then down at my naked self. Who still slept in full pajamas at eighteen? Well, other than me. I decided to live dangerously and tossed the pajamas on top of my dresser before crawling in to bed. The sheets moving against my skin felt sinful and all kinds of wrong. Getting up, I tugged my bottoms on, and climbed back in, leaving the top on the mahogany dresser. Wiggling around I decided I could deal with being half-naked. It was a start anyway.

Because really how sexy was it to get up from cuddling with someone after, well, sex, and don your neck to ankle PJs? Probably not very—and why was I even thinking about this anyway? It wasn’t as if I planned to hop into bed with Zane, not for awhile anyway. A long while. The idea of sex rather scared me, but kissing—one foot curled around the other, and I smiled into my pillow—yeah, I enjoyed kissing and touching and talking, and just being with him.

Our afternoons spent together were—I hesitated to use the word special, but that’s exactly what they were. Today at Creeksbend had been no different, leaving me in awe of what he could do to me with just a touch, as well as what he had survived in order to be here.

I’d managed to get him within about six feet of the creek bank, and taught him how to skip stones downstream, using the current to carry them farther. Then he’d had a coronary when I stripped my boots and socks off, and plopped down on the rock ledge, dangling my feet in the water. When I heard the soft grunts, I turned to find him pacing with his arms tight around his chest. His ticks out of control and jerking his body every few steps.

It took me a moment to realize his reaction was justified since you could barely see the bottom where I had been sitting. Shuffling back, I stood, and went to him.

Gently touching his shoulder, I told him, “Zane, I know how to swim. I’m not going to drown.”

His arms had shot out, crushing me to him. “Don’t...mm...don’t....no.” That was all he managed. I held him—or rather let him strangle the air out of me, until he reined in his fear, and his body calmed.

Later as we sat facing each other, Zane leaning against an old cedar, me propped up on my hands, I hesitantly asked him, “Did...did the car end up in a river?”

His fingers twitched, and he took hold of my still bare foot, settling it on his lap before answering. “No.” He began rubbing my foot, and although he did it so casually, as if he’d done it a hundred times, it felt like the most intimate of touches. “It was a logging truck...he hit a patch of ice coming down the hill on the other side of the bridge. His trailer swung around, hitting the abutment.” His face screwed up as he closed his eyes tight. I went to move next to him, but he held fast to my foot, refusing to relinquish it. Swallowing, he opened his eyes, and appeared to be looking through me. “The weld on the bunk snapped...we were only twenty feet away when the logs came down. They flipped us over...”

He stopped there. And I didn’t ask him to go on. Instead we sat quietly, him methodically massaging my feet, while my chest ached over the torment that flashed over and over in his eyes. If I could turn back time—but I couldn’t. I could only be there for him and hope I provided solace in some small way.

As we said a vibrant and breathless goodbye for the night, he mentioned, “You must be good for me.”

“Why do you say that?” I was a bit off kilter due to his hands roaming my back beneath my shirt, and didn’t catch the sincerity in his voice.

“Because I’ve never been able to tell anyone anything about the accident.”

I hadn’t known what to say, so I had kissed him gently, accepting what he had told me for what it was. A gift.

*

“I won’t be able to see you after school today,” I said, as we picked our way through the slugs crossing the path, headed towards the moisture along the creek.

His brow furled. “Why not?”

I stopped and reached up, smoothing the wrinkles between his eyebrows. “Someone getting a little attached?”

“No....it’s just...I get...anyway, why not?”

I chuckled at his stern expression, and flustered attempt to fib. “I have roping practice with Tye. Usually it’s every Tuesday and Thursday, but we skipped last week because the next rodeo’s still two weeks away.” I usually looked forward to practice, but I hadn’t minded missing them at all, because it had meant more afternoons with Zane away from everything, and everyone.

Zane’s brow dipped further as his frown deepened, giving him this confused menacing look

“This...,” I smoothed his forehead again with my thumbs, “is not a good look for you.”

“It’s just that—”

“You’re jealous of Tye.”

“Am not.”

“Okay, my mistake.” I shrugged. Then I couldn’t help teasing him. “I wouldn’t blame you. I mean, you should see him without a shirt.” I fanned my face for effect, then added slyly, “He offered to kiss me once.”

Maybe that was taking it too far. Zane’s thin lips became nonexistent. He opened his mouth then closed it in a huff. My eyes widened and I bit back a chuckle. Oh my God, he really was jealous. Okay, so I had been jealous of that girl, but unlike Zane, I didn’t have any experiences to fall back on.

“Did you?” he finally said, his tone flat.

I shook my head surprised he’d ask that knowing he had been my first. “You know I haven’t. He offered because he thought it might help me find myself, but at the time I only wanted to find myself with you.”

“And now?” He sucked on his lip ring, every other part of him still.

I smiled, trying to allay his concerns. “And now...I only think about you—morning, noon, and especially at night.”

The frown remained. Not even softening a little. “Okay. We’re, um, going to be late again.” With that he turned, and headed through the fence into Mr. Haynes field.

“That’s it? That’s all I get?” I slipped through the barbwire, my jacket catching and holding me there until I managed to wiggle free of the barb.

“Yeah,” he called, oblivious to my predicament. He kept walking briskly towards the school, and although I wanted to chase after him, I let him go, knowing we shouldn’t be seen entering the school together. That didn’t stop me from gaping at his back, completely bewildered by his reply.

*

“Easy, it’s just Gator.” Glancing at Tye’s silver rig coming up the drive, I stroked AJ’s neck while he bellowed, knowing Gator was inside. Someone was in the passenger seat, but I couldn’t make out who it was through the dark tint of the Dodge’s windows. Snugging up my cinch, I patted AJ, then headed around the corner of the barn just as Tye and Gary hopped down from the truck.

“This is a first.” I held my hand out to Gary, and we shook cordially. Despite knowing each other most of our lives, we’d never really hung out together.

Gary gave me his big lopsided smile. “Gavin’s got finals, so Tye took pity and saved me from another day of pining in my room.”

“Nice of him. You know you’re always welcome.” I glanced at Tye hitching Gator to the side of his trailer, wondering how much he might have let
slip
in casual conversation. It was the only thing that explained Gary’s unorthodox visit. I was fairly certain I could trust them both to keep whatever might have been said between them. At least I hoped so.

Turning back to Gary, I offered, “Grace is just standing around. You’re welcome to saddle her up, maybe throw a few loops.” Even though we didn’t hang out socially, everybody in town knew everyone else’s good horses, and Grace was one of the best loved. Anyone could do pretty much anything on her.

“Thanks, but I think that might be construed as animal cruelty. Not to mention I haven’t ridden in months.”

I laughed. “She’s pretty forgiving, and I doubt you weigh much more than my dad.”

“Bullshit,” he coughed.

Gary was a
big
guy, and Grace wasn’t a very tall mare, but she was stocky, with four-by-fours for legs, and she would have carried him without a second thought. Even so, I’m sure if she had a way of knowing, she would have been thankful of his consideration. Gary suddenly gripped my shoulder, his face close enough I received a nauseating whiff of his sickly-sweet chew.

“Bro, does Tye know about
him
?”

“Who?”

His big hand clasped the back of my head, and turned it. My mouth fell open, equally surprised to see Zane sauntering up the driveway, as I was over the fact Gary obviously knew about us.