You're Always in the Last Place You Look (7 page)

*

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tye asked for the twentieth time.

“Would you quit asking me that? I’m fine,” I said through stiff lips. I squeezed AJ into a lope, feeling out my rope, and warming up my shoulder. Someone’s Aussie ran in front of AJ after a ball, and he crowhopped. I jabbed him hard with my spurs, yelling, “Knock it off.” The second he grunted and threw his ears back I almost crumbled. What was I doing? I brought him back to a walk, all the while stroking his neck. I was being snappy to Tye, and rough with AJ, neither of whom deserved it.

Zane wasn’t mine. He’d just crashed on my spare bed. Even so, I couldn’t believe how angry I became when I caught sight of him letting a buckle bunny rub herself, not to mention her lips, all over him. Maybe if he had looked even a little miserable—but no, he had been laughing, and snuggling her back. I didn’t even have the luxury of feeling used since nothing had happened between us.

“We’re third out.” Tye dismounted Gator, and came over. His hands took hold of my leg as he gave me a stern look. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to stop. I know AJ didn’t deserve this.” He yanked my foot from the stirrup, then unbuckled my spur. I bent over, moaning when I saw the slice across his ribs. I did crumble then. Tears escaped, rolling down my face while I bit down on my trembling lips.

I tossed myself out of the saddle so I could inspect the cut my spur had made. It wouldn’t need stitches, but it was easily a few inches long. I buried my face into AJ’s red mane.

“I’m sorry, buddy.” If he bucked me off during our run I deserved it. He trusted me, and in just one week I had betrayed that trust—twice.

“Enough blubbering. Give me your other spur.”

I leaned down, unbuckled it, and handed it off to Tye without a word. If I couldn’t hold on to my anger then I shouldn’t be wearing them. My father had taught both me and Tye that.

“I’ll drop them at your trailer, and then meet you at the gate. You need to pull yourself together for five minutes. After that you can have your breakdown or whatever.”

Wiping my eyes with my sleeve, I nodded. Tye clapped my shoulder before swinging onto Gator. I straightened AJ’s forelock, pulling it under his browband.

“Are we good?” Scrubbing his star with my fingers, I then wiped all the white hair I’d loosened off his face. He finally butted me with his muzzle. “All right then. Let’s go get that steer.” I mounted, and he wheeled around before I even had my other stirrup. Sniffling back the last of my ramshackle emotions, I let him prance to the arena, ever thankful he had found it in himself to forgive me.

Chapter Eight

I tucked my chin and our calf was loosed. I threw over the corner of the chute in a gutsy move that I hoped would pay off. My loop appeared to be coming down long, so I gave a smooth tug, landing it over the bald-face calf’s eyes. The steer ducked, I jerked, wrapping the rope around my horn. AJ did his job, swinging sideways while I kept my eye on Tye. His rope left his hand, dropping low quick, and he yanked, and dallied. We were both smiling as we faced up. In unison we glanced at the chute a mere thirty feet away, and bowed our heads.
Damn
. I’d broken the barrier. Our four-five just became a fourteen-five.

I didn’t want to stay and watch our massacre, but Tye insisted. After a second place finish yesterday, eleventh or twelfth was going to be mighty hard to take. The next two teams missed a catch, and the third broke the barrier with the heeler only catching one leg. We glanced at each other, a hint of a smile working between us. As Dad would have said; there was still a lot of roping left.

The missed opportunities continued over the next few teams. As they were re-tying another broken barrier Zane climbed up, settling himself on the fence on the other side of AJ. I tried really hard not to look at him. Really hard. Anxiety rooted inside me, growing into tension as I watched the next three teams go. Tye bumped my shoulder as another header missed his second loop.

“That’s good for you isn’t it?” Zane asked.

I glanced at him, but he was looking down into the run-in. I couldn’t see his expression through his hair. “Sucks for them though,” I said turning my attention back to the arena.

Only it didn’t stay there. Like a magnet, Zane kept drawing my attention, and I knew he was watching me. I could feel his gaze touching me. I wanted to shove him off the fence. I wanted to ask him what the hell he had been doing with me this morning. I wanted to demand if he was really gay, or just playing with me. But most of all I wanted to pin him down, and get that first kiss out of the way so I’d finally have the divining answer to the biggest question of my life.

AJ shoved my back with his nose, sending me face first into the fence on the other side of the run-in. Tye jumped down, picking me up out of the cow slop. I jerked away and shook my head, trying to dislodge the ringing in my ears. My lower pants legs were now green, not to mention I stunk. I grabbed for the rail to hoist myself up, too embarrassed to even glance Zane’s way.

“Whoa. Hold on.” Tye turned my face into the sun, and cringed. “You got a little cut, and probably a nasty lump.” He reached towards my temple.

“Ow!” I winced as he pulled out a large sliver of wood then let it fall from his fingers. Hearty cheering had us both turning to the clock on the announcer’s booth. Eleven-two clean. I shrugged, Tye shrugged back. It would have been a crummy way to have won. Third or fourth was a much more satisfactory placing with our penalty.

Tye helped me back onto the rail. Once seated, I rubbed AJ’s forehead to show him I wasn’t mad. He relaxed, quitting his soft snorting, and cocking a back foot.

Tye grabbed me around the neck, pulling me against him. “You look about ready to breakdown again, and that’s not like you.” He glanced past me to Zane, who was watching out of the corner of his eye. “I’ve known you a long time...if you need to talk—or just a shoulder,” he leaned in close, “I’m more open minded than you think.” Tye gave me a knowing look.

Was I really that transparent? I hung my head, not sure if I was ashamed or just wrung out. He kept his arm around my shoulders, practically forcing me to lean against him. Finally I gave in, resting my aching head on his shoulder. It was nice until he ruffled my hair like I was a little kid.

Somewhere during this exchange Zane disappeared. And even though I had all but ignored him, a weighty sigh escaped. Tye bumped my shoulder again, and I leaned back against him, glad he was there.

We finished third when all was said and done. Not a bad haul actually. The winnings would cover my costs for the next two rodeos. It had been my father’s idea that any money I won be used to pay my entries, and I hadn’t argued, knowing rodeo wasn’t a cheap sport.

After changing clothes, I cleaned up the kitchen. Once everything was secure, I went to put the couch back in order. When I pulled the blanket off something hit my foot. Zane’s phone. I looked out the window, and saw the empty space where Chuck’s trailer had been. I’d give it back to him in class. After that? I really didn’t know. It had never been this complicated with a girl. Take her on a date then fight her off until she broke up with me. 

I balled the blanket up, then brought it to my face rather than throwing it onto the bunk as I had intended. I found his scent through the mustiness. Tye came in and I turned, the cotton fabric still pressed against my nose. He stepped over, and shoved the couch back into position with his boot.

“You had Mr. Hotstuff in here this morning, didn’t you?” he said quietly.

I searched his face to see if he was disgusted, or possibly teasing, but I only found sincerity there. “Why does everyone call him that?” I chucked the blanket onto the bunk, then flopped down into the chair, rubbing my forehead tiredly.

“Gary called him that a few times, and I think it started making the rounds as a joke.” Tye grabbed a soda from the fridge before sitting down on the couch, sprawling out as if he planned to stay awhile. “It’s not a joke though is it?”

“You don’t seem surprised.” I peered at him through the fingers I had pressed to my eyes.

He shook his head as he cracked open the can. “I knew—or rather assumed for awhile.”

“Shit.” My head fell back. “How does everyone know, when I didn’t myself?”

“Not everyone.” He gulped down part of the soda then belched. “Gary, me, a couple others—”

“Lily.” I raised my head. “So, how many people know?”

His shoulder lifted. “Maybe five or six total with Lily.”

I let my head fall back again recalling that saying; the weight of the world, only in my case the weight of my world. “My dad doesn’t. I’m not sure—I don’t want to tell him until I’m positive myself.”

“I could kiss you.”

“Yeah, sure.” I chuckled.

“I’m serious. I know you look at me.”

I lifted my head again, and stared at him appalled. Whether over his flippant offer or the fact he knew I ogled him, I wasn’t sure. Probably both.

“Listen,” he leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees, “I’m completely comfortably in my sexuality, and I don’t have any problem kissing a guy.”

My jaw unhinged.

“I let Gary kiss me,” he added challengingly.

I snapped my mouth closed before it locked permanently open. Tye and I had known each other since grade school, and I was finding this all a bit hard to take. Not to mention he was staring at me all intense and shit, which was a little creepy.

I shifted nervously in my seat. “Are you bi?” My question set him back.

“No.” His brow wrinkled thoughtfully. “I don’t think so. I don’t know,” he shrugged, “maybe.”

“Oh you
definitely
sound secure in your sexuality.” I chuckled, relaxing once again.

He smirked. “I like girls. I just don’t mind kissing a guy. But the rest? Even thinking about it...”

I laughed when he shifted, closing his legs. “I’ve been too busy trying to figure out whether I am or not to even think about se—the rest,” I admitted, sounding dejected—feeling dejected.

Tye slapped his hand over his eyes and groaned. “You mean to tell me you had Mr. Hotness in your trailer the whole night—you’ve got to be kidding me.” He let his hand fall. “Did
anything
happen?”

“No.” I realized how pathetic that sounded.

He rolled his eyes. “God, you’re hopeless.” He stood, draining his soda before tossing the can in the wastebasket under the sink.

“I know,” I whined behind my hands.

“Well, I’m around if you need me.” He actually winked at me.

“I’m not letting you kiss me—or kissing you. That would just be way too...weird.”

He laughed as he opened the door. “Load your horse so we can get outta here.”

“Hey, wait a minute. How come Jamie wasn’t here today?” I followed him out, locking the door to the living quarters behind me.

“Um,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “we kinda got in a fight. It was stupid. I wanted to go to the bonfire and she didn’t. Anyway, it got kinda heated, and she loaded up, and left.”

“Oh man, I’m sorry.” I untied AJ’s leadrope feeling like a heel for not having noticed earlier.

“Eh, I’ll patch it up with her when I get home. I’ll follow you, okay?”

I nodded as I unlatched the back door.

*

I pulled up to the barn and killed the diesel, glad to be home. Dad ambled out of the house, a cup of coffee in his hand, meeting up with me as I opened the trailer.

“What happened to your head?”

I reached up and touched the lump on my temple. “AJ shoved me into a fence. No big deal.”

“Better put some ice on it. We expected you home half an hour ago.” He leaned his arm against the door, holding it open while I went to unload AJ.

“Tye and I got to talking.”

“Mmm. I tried calling you last night,” he drawled.

Crap. I’d forgotten to call. AJ leaned against the divider impatiently. I pushed on his hip until he stood back up. “Whoa.” I told him as I opened the divider, and went to unclip him. “Sorry. I went to the bonfire, and left my phone in the trailer.” I couldn’t believe I was lying to my dad. I wasn’t perfect—I hedged the truth just as everyone did. But lying to him was like lying to the Almighty himself if he actually exists.

AJ began backing out of the trailer, squatting at the end until Dad lightly tugged his red tail, letting him know to step down.

“I figured it was something like that.” He closed the door while I turned AJ out into his pen. “You’re not going to take his sheet off?”

I cringed inwardly. “No. I, ah, accidentally cut him with my rowel today. It’s not bad, but I want to keep the flies off until it scabs over.” I waited for the lecture on how spurs were only for light heels, and to accent aids, not to mention how our animals rely on us to protect them. None more so than AJ due to his prior abuse.

“Hm”—he took a sip of his coffee—“make sure you take care of it.”

“I know. I will.”
No lecture
? That was a first. I grabbed the last of the hay out of the trailer, and chucked it into his feeder.

“Reverend Marshall said you weren’t at the service this morning. He wondered if you might be ill.”

I closed my eyes.
Busted
. He was leading up to something, I just knew it.

I leaned against the horse trailer. “I, um, stayed up really late and had a few shots of whiskey with some of the guys. I know it was wrong, and I’ve been paying for it all day. Feel free to lecture me, or ground me, I know I deserve it, I was stupid, it won’t happen again.” I realized I was rambling and stopped. When I looked at Dad he was working to hide a smile.

“I appreciate your honesty, Gabriel. It makes me proud you chose to confide in me rather than hide it. State of Idaho may say you’re not old enough to drink, but you’re eighteen—legally an adult—and I’m sure it
will
happen again. I raised you to be smart, and you’ve yet to disappoint me in that department. Just be sensible, please.” He pulled me into a one-armed hug, kissing my forehead.

I ducked away. “Geez, Dad, you just called me an adult then kissed me.” I scrubbed at the spot with my palm.

He chuckled, draping his arm over my shoulder in a more manly show of affection. “Yeah, well, it’s hard for me not to still see you as my boy.”

“Thanks for not calling me little.” I was an inch taller than Mom, and Dad was four inches taller than me. I kept hoping I would hit a growth spurt, but I hadn’t grown even the width of a blade of grass in two years.

“Trust me, it was harder than you think. But I figure your mother is going to use it ten times in two minutes when she sees that goose egg on your head.”

Dad was almost right. The litany lasted ten minutes, and she called me her little boy fourteen times.