You're Always in the Last Place You Look (4 page)

I raised my eyes to his frenzied browns. “Tye, take the horses back to my house. I’ll take care of him, and get him home,” I said.

Tye swallowed and nodded frantically. He never had been able to stay calm in a crisis. When he broke his thumb at a jackpot a few years ago, he became hysterical. He hesitated, glancing at the knife, then back at me and Zane.

“Go!” I commanded, eliciting a hollow moan from Zane. I tipped my head to him. “It’s okay,” I said softly, then sighed, not sure any of this was okay. If he refused to move, how was I going to get him home? I opened my mouth as Tye was swallowed by the huckleberries, fully intending to tell him to send my dad, but instead I called out, “Tye? Just tell my dad...I don’t know. He twisted his ankle or something, okay? That I’ll be home in a bit.”

Tye’s hand waved above the bushes. Dad would turn this into a religious revival that would last all night. He would talk to Zane, pray with Zane, pray with the Cormley’s, then talk and pray with me. If he felt it necessary, he would even work something about this into his sermon. He wouldn’t mention specifics, but people would figure it out easily enough. I didn’t think Zane was up for that, not after seeing this side of him.

Why he had chosen to lean on me I wasn’t sure, but he was getting heavy, and my knees weren’t happy about the rocks they were resting on. I felt his damp hair travel through my fingers. When had I started petting the back of his head? His hair wasn’t as soft as I would have imagined. The strands were thick and heavy. Very unlike my fine, sun-bleached, cowlicked mess that passed for hair.

What was wrong with me? First I become enamored with the way he smells, then I experience a wholly inappropriate reaction when he touches me, and now I’m comparing his hair to mine?
And I’m still running my fingers through it
. Just once more. I let my fingers comb through all the way to the base of his neck where sweat had softly curled the ends. I set my hands on his leather clad shoulders, gently pushing him away.

He let go of my neck, wiped his cheeks with his palms as he rested back on his heels. With damp eyes, he stared at the blue-green water, appearing to still be somewhere else. The right side of his face pulled tight every few seconds, and I noticed the fingers on his right hand twitching like they had the day he was stung.

“Did you take your pills?” I asked, fairly certain they helped control his muscle spasms.

His jaw clenched as he turned towards me. “Fuck you, you’re not my mother.”

I held up my hands as I unfolded myself from the flat rock. “Suit yourself. I was just asking.” Obviously he had recovered from whatever had sent him over the edge. I turned to leave. “If you’re going to kill yourself, give me fifteen minutes head start so I don’t hear you scream.” I was pushing the huckleberry bushes back when he responded.

“Don’t.”

I looked at him over my shoulder. He was frowning, and sucking on his lip ring.

“Don’t what? Pass judgment on you? I just found you practically comatose, cutting yourself—”

He shook his head, halting my rant. “Don’t leave. I don’t want to be alone.” He looked down at his twitching hand, then reached inside his coat, and pulled out his pills.

Something about the way he was slumped over with that confused, dejected look across his face made him appear incredibly vulnerable. I supposed the fact he had been clinging to me, a virtual stranger, crying recklessly, added to his vulnerability. I watched him wrestle with the pill bottle another second, then sighed and headed back over. Even though you couldn’t see anything amiss when he was drawing, he seemed to have trouble gripping and turning the cap.

I reached for the bottle, and he glared at me as he jerked it away. I yanked the bottle out of his hands, pushing the cap down while turning it.

“How in the world do you get this open on your own?” I handed the opened bottle back.

He laughed ruefully. “When I get bad, I usually don’t.” He swallowed the pills down.

“Why don’t you flip the cap over?”

I received a moronic look for that suggestion. “Why didn’t I think of that? Because, Einstein, if some kid got a hold of them...” Dropping the bottle back into his inside pocket, Zane rearranged himself until he was sitting cross-legged, his elbows on his knees, facing the creek.

I sat down next to him, pulling my knees up to my chest. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

I gave him a sideways glance. He kept staring at the creek. “Why do you want me here then?”

He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know...maybe to keep me from doing something crazy.” He let out a derogatory laugh.

I turned my head the same direction as his, and watched the gnat clouds shifting as one over the water. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. Losing your family all in one fell swoop would probably mess anyone up. Maybe he was suicidal, maybe he was barely holding on to this side of sanity, but I was in awe over the fact he functioned as much as he did.

Zane lit a cigarette and smoked while appearing to be quietly contemplating. Possibly about what had just happened, or maybe he was thinking about his family, or the accident. Even though I was curious about what had set him off, I let him be. It wasn’t my place to ask such things. I mean, I barely knew the guy.

After he finished his smoke, I said, “I think I should take you home. My dad will be looki—”

“I wasn’t ready to leave.” Zane pulled his lips between his teeth, and then glanced at me as if he had suddenly realized I was still here. A fringe of hair tangled with his lashes, and my fingers itched to push it out of the way. “I wanted to stay in Chicago. I wasn’t ready to leave Fairhaven, but they moved me out here anyway. They took me, knowing I wasn’t ready.”

“What’s Fairhaven?”

He turned back to the water. “I miss the skyline, the hustle of the city, my friends. There’s too much open space here, too much sky.” He stood, searching until he found his knife. Clicking the blade closed, he stuffed it into his jeans pocket. His face had finally relaxed, although there was a mournful shadow across his features. “I’m gonna go.”

I stood up, turning towards him. “Home?”

He played with his tongue stud for a moment, arms hugging his chest as he looked at me. Then a small smile broke through the shadows, and he nodded.

Chapter Five

After dinner, I plugged in my laptop to our DSL, and Googled Fairhaven. The website said it was a rehabilitation center for boys from twelve to eighteen. But when I pulled up the facility map it was evident by the wards listed that Fairhaven was a mental institute. If that wasn’t enough, the long list of resident psychologists confirmed it. Even if the inside of the facility looked like a glorified prison, the front grounds were nice, and the Chicago skyline could be seen from what they called the Western Athletics area— which looked like an exercise yard if you asked me. Worn grass, chain-link, and a well-used basketball court; the hoops rusted and missing their nets.

It wasn’t hard to understand why Zane had been there. And despite how together he appeared at school, I knew what he said about not being ready to leave had been true. He was still working through losing his family, not to mention the unknown horrors he had endured in that van.

*

That night I dreamt of thick black hair, and haunted sapphire eyes.

*

The next morning it was as if nothing had happened. Zane was sitting on Chuck’s work station surrounded by happy admirers. He didn’t even spare a glance my way when I entered. He slid onto the stool next to me right as the bell rang. I looked at him as he pulled out his notebook, turning it to a fresh page.

“What?” he barked as he began sketching.

“Nothing.” I turned my attention to Mr. Taylor, and nothing else was said between us. I hadn’t expected much to change, but I thought I might warrant a secretive smile, or at least a nervous look. Yet he ignored me like always. And for some reason that bothered me more than it should have.

That morning as I rose to consciousness, the dream had fled as dreams do. The only clue had been my body’s embarrassing reaction left in its wake.

However, sitting next to him wisps of my dream came back as quick flashes; the silver glint of his tongue stud, the feel of his hair, his body pressed to mine, and suddenly I was too warm, he was too close. This wasn’t happening. I tried to regain control of myself, but my body rebelled. Didn’t it know how backwards this was? How wrong? I took a few deep breaths trying to steady the sick feeling in my stomach.
Oh God
. I was attracted to a
guy
!
A GUY
!!!

Zane pushed against my nervous knee with his, and I just about leapt off my stool. He shot me a quick amused look, then stood, and scooted behind me. I glanced around, surprised to see everyone leaving. I must have missed the bell.

“Easy cowboy, I don’t bite...unless you ask me,” Zane whispered in my ear, and I turned, only to catch his back as he strode from the room. What the hell had he meant by that? As I rose from the stool I discovered I was trembling. The remnants of Zane’s scent teased my nose as his willowy voice echoed in my head. A shiver skittered down my back, and all of a sudden I wanted to scream and cry and punch something, maybe a lot of things—and, yeah, possibly throw up.

I managed to hold my breakfast down, and instead pensively chewed on my lip all the way through my next two classes. By the time lunch rolled around, my hamstring was sore from the constant nervous motion of my leg over the last couple hours.

“Jesus, quit. You’re bleeding.” Lily pulled on my chin until I released my lip. “All right, what’s bothering you?”

I shook my head, but grabbed her arm, and steered her to an empty table in the corner of the cafeteria.

“If it’s prom, I know a few gals who would love for you to ask them.” She sat down, and immediately started rummaging through her lunch sack.

I ran my hands over my short hair, shaking my head again. I chewed on my thumbnail, staring into the crowd as I tried to gain the courage I needed to broach the subject that had caused so much contention between us.

Zane wandered into my line of sight with Danell Bryant hanging off him, and my eyes narrowed down.
Slut
. Zane’s blue eyes caught mine for just a second causing my stomach to tighten.
Jealousy
?
Really
? I’d never been a jealous person. Competitive? Yes. Jealous? No. It wasn’t— I couldn’t. But I was pretty sure I was.

Lily forced my knee still. “I knew it,” she said softly as she leaned against my shoulder.

I wasn’t even uncomfortable that she caught me ogling. I turned to her, my eyes wide and imploring. “What am I going to do?”

She pulled my head towards her, kissing my cheek. “Ask him to prom.”

I laughed, then noticed she was serious. “That’s insanity, and you know it. Besides he’s probably straight.” I laughed again, only it came out sounding strangled and hysterical. “But then, I thought I was too.” I threw up my hands, searching Lily’s face, and finding her hazel eyes cringingly sympathetic. “How did you know?”

She leaned back, carefully unwrapping her sandwich. “I didn’t. Not for sure anyway.” She took a bite, and chewed while sneaking glances at me. I waited, knowing she wasn’t being completely honest. She swallowed. “Okay, I kind of did.” She waved her bologna sandwich at me. “I’ve known you forever, and every time you date a girl all you do is complain and hide from her. Not to mention you talk about Tye like he’s your errant husband rather than a roping partner.”

“I’ve never liked Tye that way,” I broke in.

“Well, you get awfully defensive when he’s with Jamie rather than you.”

“I do not,” I said indignantly.

Lily’s dark eyebrows rose as she took another bite of her sandwich. I
did
get angry when he was with Jamie rather than me at the rodeos. I didn’t like him
that
way though. Okay, maybe I
had
been infatuated with him when we first started roping together, but it wasn’t the same. I had just been impressed with his roping skills—and I’d just about fallen off AJ the first time he removed his shirt to wipe the grime off his face.

I groaned, leaning over the table, and dropping my head onto my arms. Lily patted my back sympathetically. I was waiting for her to say; there, there. Yet thankfully she didn’t. I probably would have decked her if she had. No, I wouldn’t have, but I would have wanted to.

“Are you going to tell your folks?”

I peeked at her. “Are you insane? I don’t even know if I’m
in
the closet, and you want me to come out?” I frowned. “Did I say that right?”

She laughed, mussing my hair while I tried in vain to duck away. “Yeah, you did. I don’t know. Your dad counseled Gary’s parents.”

I glanced at the only known gay kid in school, sitting among the rest of the grunting monsters that were the varsity football team. Gary was a huge linebacker, and when he brought his college boyfriend to homecoming last year, no one, and I mean no one had given him any guff. If they had he would have squashed them. There had been a blurb in the school paper, and a rumor circulated that the guys tended to skip showers after practice now, but other than that, his coming out had been rather uneventful.

“Yeah, well, he had to do a lot of soul searching before he became accepting and stopped sidestepping Gary at church. My dad isn’t as progressive as people think.”

“You’re more your father’s son than you know, and look at how you’re taking this.” She smiled proudly, offering me some of her Fritos.

I took a few, shoving them in my mouth. While I crunched I thought about just how I
was
taking this. I felt awfully calm, considering. Then the idea I had jumped the gun began creeping over me, and I suddenly felt remorseful about discussing it all with Lily. I wasn’t gay. I was just stupid, maybe a little disconnected, possibly lonely, but not gay. Zane was just...
crazy beautiful
. Or was that beautiful because he was crazy?

*

I wiped the sweat off my face before jumping down from AJ.

“Jesu—gosh it’s hot.” Tye smiled apologetically at my father who was letting the calves out the run-in. Dad nodded back, but not before a small smirk twisted his lips. He wasn’t quite as anal as people always thought. He swore at times too. It was amusing to watch folks back peddle though.

I finished undoing AJ’s cinch and threw everything over the saddle, then hefted it off, and onto the arena fence. Gator’s gear ended up dumped on the grass.

“Ya know if this heat continues, I don’t think I want to buck hay this year. A nice crappy air-conditioned job busing tables sounds good to me.”

I swallowed as I snapped my water bottle closed. “Sounds like heaven, but I’ll be buckin’ hay while I can. Pay’s better.”

“You got college to think about. Me...I’ll be at the mill.” Tye pulled his sweat-soaked shirt off, turning the hose on himself before rinsing Gator.

The second Tye finished his online business classes he was going to work for the Evenson Tanning Mill. The mill had been in his family since the early 1900’s. He was an only child, and that meant when he took over he was pretty much set for life. That is, as long as he kept the mill in good standing. I had some doubt about his ability to do that, since he never seemed to know how much money he had in his wallet.

He shook his soaked head, then stood up. “Dang that feels good.”

Every muscle my body possessed tightened as I watched the water traveling down his chest in little rivulets. I followed the beads of moisture as they traveled over his muscled stomach, and joined with the dark hair near his belly button, before disappearing beneath the waistband of his faded Wranglers.

I felt the drool slip out and quickly turned away, wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand. I almost laughed when I discovered I was breathing heavily, and getting hard at an alarming rate. As he rinsed Gator I looked at him timidly, my eyes taking in every smooth plain, every curve, every cut, and feeling what could only be described as a flood of hormones. That rush everyone talked about, experienced, couldn’t deny, but had always eluded me; lust, pure and simple, and really...kind of fantastic. I was undeniably gay, and surprisingly, I was pretty sure I was okay with that.