Authors: Maya Stirling
Tags: #Romance, #historical 1800s
"I know they will," he agreed.
"But, I can't just forget Daniel. It wouldn't be right."
"I'm not asking you to forget the father of those beautiful children. He was your husband. You must have loved him very much."
"I did. For a long time I did," She hesitated, wondering whether she should tell him more. Wondering whether he would want to know more. She pressed on. "But, in recent times, things became difficult. He changed. Became a different person. The strains of making a living, supporting the family. They started to change him. Near the end he and I weren't as close as we were before. But we kept it all together. For the children."
"Of course. That was all that mattered."
"But you have to understand Zack. All this has been so sudden for me. Seeing you again. Being close to you. Feeling..."
"What, Lydia?" he interrupted quickly. Too quickly for her liking. "Feeling what?"
Lydia glanced at Zack. "I don't know. That's the thing, Zack. I just don't know what to do."
"I just need you to know one thing, Lydia. I know you're feeling confused. I understand that. But I kept my promise to you for one reason and one reason only." Zack paused. Lydia saw him swallow deeply and hard. Then he spoke. "I love you, Lydia. I always have and I always will."
The words hung on the cold air. Lydia's breath stopped in her throat and she gazed into the most sincere eyes she had ever seen.
"Don't say that, Zack," she said quickly "Not yet. Not here."
Zack pulled the buckboard to a sudden halt. "I have to, Lydia. It's busting me up inside and I have to let it out. I have to tell you the truth. So you know. And if it's going to take you time to come around to me then that's fine. I can deal with that."
Lydia wrung her hands in her lap. "Oh, Zack. Please. Don't say such things. Don't doubt me so much."
"I have complete faith in you, Lydia. That's why I married you. Faith and love. I just need you to know that I will always be waiting, always be ready to hear the words that I need to hear from your sweet lips."
Lydia looked deep into Zack's eyes. She could see the burning need in those eyes, the penetrating stare of someone who was being made to wait, someone who looked like he could barely contain his impatience.
He'd said the words she'd dreaded to hear. The simple declaration which she'd known had been hovering on his lips since their wedding. He'd been able to hold those words inside. For a while at least. But, out here, in the cold, beautiful wilderness, the urge to tell her he loved her had been impossible to contain. And, she'd known since they'd left the house that he would say those words. She'd seen it in his glance, in every look he'd given her since they'd left the ranch house behind.
But, as they continued along the trail toward Joshua's ranch, Lydia hunted inside herself, searching for the real reason why, when the moment had come, and everything had seemed so perfect, she hadn't been able to tell Zack that she also loved him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
They arrived at Joshua's ranch just as some heavy clouds started to come in from the north. Zack glanced up at the sky as he steered the buckboard into the yard. "Those clouds look mean," he observed.
"Snow?" Lydia asked.
Zack nodded. "Maybe. I'll keep my eye on them. In case we have to leave early."
Joshua and Laura appeared from inside the house and welcomed them, even if they exchanged looks of surprise at seeing Zack and Lydia visiting on a day such as this. Soon they were all in the parlor, by the fire and lifting cups of warm coffee to their lips.
"So, what made you come out on a day like today?" Joshua asked glancing at Laura.
Zack's smile seemed forced. "We figured it would do us good to get some time out of the house. There are three very noisy, but happy children there."
"I can vouch for that," Lydia said nodding.
"Haven't already changed your mind about being married," Joshua joked.
Laura dug an elbow into her husband's side. "Don't go saying such things. They only got wed twenty four hours ago. Or don't you remember."
"Of course I do. Just like I recall my wedding day to my own beautiful wife."
"I may just get a tiny bit embarrassed," Laura said suddenly fixing her hair. "Honestly, Lydia. These ranchers are a terrible bunch."
"We sure are," said Joshua smiling at his wife.
Lydia looked at the couple seated on the sofa. Joshua and Laura looked so happy together that Lydia felt herself taken aback. Was this what awaited her? This casual, easy going way that people had with each other. Back in the city the only people she'd known had been nervous types, worried all the time about where the next meal was coming from. This was so different, so calming, that, for a moment, Lydia didn't know quite what to make of it.
Joshua told Lydia how he and Laura had married. How Laura had left home, intending to marry someone in order to leave ranch living behind; how Joshua had brought her home and married her; how that had been a fulfilment of a long held dream of his; how Laura's mother had finally managed to bring Joshua and Laura together, even if she'd had to employ some fairly underhand tactics in the process.
It was an amazing story. Almost as incredible as the manner in which Lydia had come back to Zack.
Lydia saw Laura glance at Joshua with a look of concern. "Didn't you have something you needed to sort out with Zack?
Joshua looked at his wife and frowned slightly. "What?"
Then he seemed to get his wife's drift. "Oh, yes. I need to show you some papers, Zack. You know. The ones about the cattle that need to be taken in for selling?"
Zack's brows raised as he looked at his friend. "Okay. Let's go and have a look," he said hesitantly.
Both men looked like they'd realized it was time for the women to have some time alone together.
Zack followed Joshua out of the room. For a few moments the only sound was the crackle of the fireplace. Lydia stretched a hand out, feeling the gentle warmth of the flames. She glanced at Laura who looked like she was waiting for just the right moment to start saying something. Finally, after an interminable silence, Laura spoke up.
"I'm surprised you both came over to see us today. Especially this of all days." Laura said breaking the silence.
"We had to get out of the house. The little ones make it impossible to think, let alone talk," Lydia answered.
Laura smiled wanly. "I suppose that's something Joshua and I have to look forward to. Joshua really wants a big family. And so do I."
"You've both got time on your side," Lydia said.
Laura nodded. "I suppose we do. We'll just have to be patient. You are so blessed. The girls are so beautiful. When I saw them yesterday at the wedding, my heart just melted. They're such precious little angels."
Lydia sighed. "Sometimes little angels can be a real handful."
Laura laughed. "I'm sure they can be. This must be a huge thing for Zack to get used to. I mean, he has a house full of women now. A wife, three daughters and a housekeeper. How is he coping?"
Lydia smiled. "I think he's coping just fine. It's hard to tell though. Zack says he's happy with the arrangement, but I'm not sure."
"What do you mean arrangement?"
"The marriage."
Laura frowned. "But you two have known each other for such a long time. Weren't you both sweet on each other before?"
"We were. But that was a long time ago. Things are different."
"How?"
Lydia paused. "People change," she said finally.
Laura sighed. "Sometimes they change for the better."
"I know that."
"Are you saying that Zack has changed?" Laura asked.
Lydia shook her head. "No. He's still the gentleman he always was. In fact I'm amazed at how well he's coping with this change in his life."
Laura paused. "It's a very fine thing he has done."
"And I'm so very grateful to him."
Laura frowned and seemed to consider her words before speaking. "Forgive me for being forward. You and I have only just become acquainted. But, I've known Zack for a while. Joshua even longer. Joshua tells me Zack has changed these past few years. He's more serious, more responsible than he was when you knew him."
"I can see that," Lydia admitted.
"Maybe it's not gratitude he's looking for from you."
"What do you mean?"
"Joshua told me that Zack feels one thing in particular. Real strong."
Lydia frowned. "What's that?"
Laura looked away. "Maybe it's not my place to say this."
"No. Please. Go on. I want to know."
Laura sighed. "I suppose now that I've brought it up, I should just come out with it."
Lydia frowned trying to guess what this elegant and refined young woman was about to say to her. The conversation had taken a personal turn. Lydia was surprised at just how comfortable she was talking like this with a woman she'd only known a short time. But again, maybe that was the way out here. You got close people quicker than in the city.
"Joshua told me that Zack feels this is his second chance at happiness with you," Laura said bluntly.
Lydia felt her pulse start to quicken slightly. "Second chance? What do you mean?"
Laura frowned. "This is all so very personal. Perhaps I shouldn't intrude upon your private life."
Lydia reached a hand across and touched Laura's arm. "No. You're not intruding. If there's something I should know about Zack, please tell me."
Laura smiled wanly. "I suppose you should know, my dear." Laura breathed in deeply and continued. "One thing about Zack you might not know, is that when you left, he was just about inconsolable."
Lydia felt her face become ashen when she heard the last word that Laura uttered. Inconsolable? What on earth could Laura mean?
"In what way?" Lydia asked tentatively.
Laura frowned and paused once again as if trying to find the right words. "Joshua told me that he feared for Zack at the time. Although Zack was young, only eighteen at the time, you going away affected him real bad."
Lydia felt her hands go numb. What was Laura about to tell her? Lydia wasn't even sure she wanted to hear any of this.
"What happened to him?"
"It wasn't what happened to him. It was what he did to try and get over losing you."
A cold hand settled over Lydia's heart. She gazed at Laura, once again amazed that someone who she barely knew was willing to share this with her. But maybe that was what people were like out here. The sense of belonging, the closeness of community forced people to take an interest in other people's lives. The need to help and support overcame any sense of propriety or natural reserve.
Eventually Lydia asked Laura the question that hovered in the front of her mind. "What exactly did he do after I left him?" she asked, her voice cracking slightly.
Saying it like that made it sound cruel and harsh. But that was what she had done. Wasn't it? She'd left a young man who it turned out had been utterly and completely in love with her.
"He kinda went crazy, I guess. That's about the only way you can describe it," Laura said quietly.
Lydia's mouth opened in shock. "Crazy?"
Laura nodded wordlessly.
"In what way?" Lydia asked.
"Oh, not violent or anything. Zack's not that kind of person. Never has been. But he sure lost his bearings in life." Laura glanced into Lydia's eyes. "He got a reputation," she said quietly.
Lydia's brows furrowed and she gazed down at her hands which were clasped so tight in her lap she could see her knuckles white.
"Perhaps I shouldn't go on. Maybe it's better that Zack tell you himself."
"But he won't. Isn't that the point? He'll never tell me any of this. How long did this all last?"
"According to Joshua about six months."
"Six months!" Lydia exclaimed.
"Eventually got a hold of himself. Mainly it was down to his father and the ranch. Zack threw himself into work. Night and day. All seasons. I guess it was better that than the kinds of things he'd been doing."
Lydia saw Laura peer at her as if checking that Lydia was able to handle what she was being told.
Laura continued. "Then his father passed away and the ranch became Zack's. He just carried on working round the clock. The result is what you see now. The place that's your home now. One of the most prosperous spreads in these parts."
Laura smiled. "That's something that annoys the heck out of Joshua from time to time," she said jokingly, trying to introduce an element of levity into the discussion. Lydia was so troubled and affected by what Laura had told her that she could barely raise a smile.
Lydia looked intently at Laura. "But if Zack felt so bad when I left him why didn't he do something about it? Why didn't he write to me? Why didn't he come after me? Stop me from marrying someone else."
Laura's features became serious. "I guess he felt powerless. He was so sure he'd lost you forever. He'd lost all hope," Laura said.
Lydia sighed. "When I left him, it wasn't my doing. You know that, don't you?"
"Joshua told me it was your father who insisted on leaving."
"It was. I had no choice. And you know what the real truth is? My heart was broken as much as Zack's when I left on that train."
Laura swallowed and Lydia could see the emotion in the other woman's eyes.
"I cried all the way to San Francisco. Zack and I had become so close before I left. I just assumed that we'd marry, settle down, live on the ranch. But my father had other ideas. He never really liked Zack much. He was always saying that living on a ranch wasn't good enough for any daughter of his."
Lydia paused and cleared her throat. She glanced at Laura and saw the intense focus in the other woman's gaze.
"And you know what. To my shame, I allowed him to persuade me that life in a city was what was right for someone like me. So, when I met Daniel, he seemed the perfect man. He was sophisticated, educated and seemed like a decent man."
Lydia paused. "But he wasn't Zack. Didn't have the qualities that I'd grown to admire and respect."
Lydia shook her head. "My father was so happy when I married Daniel. Everything seemed to have turned out right, as far as he was concerned. His city medical practice was doing well, his daughter was married to a man he deemed acceptable, and then to cap it all, the children came along. One big happy family."