Authors: Christin Lovell
Vampire or not, they would know my wrath. Those closest to me would never witness it though. I would leave the worst of me on the field, and give the best of me to those at home. Kai would want me to take care of those at home, especially Leka.
***
Lexi
I padded out to the kitchen, the iPod blasting Beyonce’s
I Was Here
in my ears. Over the course of the past week, I’d slowly tried to switch to uplifting music, positive things that wouldn’t make me remember how he died, but why he chose to die.
It wasn’t easy leaving him behind, compartmentalizing that part of my past. Kai was a much larger part of me, of my life than I realized, than I recognized and accepted. He did so much for me, and then…
Tears
burned
my dry eyes. I’d cried far too much over the past week,
it seemed like
enough tears to fill the Atlantic Ocean
.
But I couldn’t hold back. The
agonizing
hollowness in me returned with a vengeance. It was a pain that carved out my soul, dismembered my spirit and left me a shell of a person, merely a mold of who I used to be.
Damn it, Kai!
I slid down the kitchen cabinets, trying to suppress my sobs, trying to silence them as not to prompt Kellan, Drex or Sanders to come for me. I jerked the buds from my ears and tossed them a
side,
feeling desperate.
My lungs refused to expand, forcing me to gasp for air. The moment the sharp inhalation sounded, both bedroom doors opened.
I pressed my face into my hands and pushed them into my knees the best I could around my belly. Now that they knew I was out here crying though, I didn’t bother to try
and
hold back. I allowed it to pour from me, as
frantic
as I felt. It seems like my entire world had been shaken and stirred. I had no control over any aspect of it
;
at least
it felt
that way
.
I heard Kellan inhale deeply, sharply, exasperatedly, as he entered the kitchen. When all three men stopped their approach, I knew they were silently communicating about me, above me.
Finally, Kellan closed the distance between us. His hand slid between my arms and my face, his fingers resting beneath my chin. He pushed up, forcing me to face him.
“Lexi.” His voice was low
and carried a
hard plea. The tears fell openly as I looked into his eyes. I was surprised to find a tough glint in them. His sigh was conflicting, both defeated and determined. “We’ve been coddling you, giving you time to heal, but you can’t cry forever. You’ve got to pull it together for me, for yourself, for our baby.” It didn’t matter that his voice was soft, his tone was firm.
“Fucking idiot,” Drexel whispered, growl
ing under his breath.
I was slightly stunned. I knew my tears began to slow as I
stared back
into his earnest eyes. He really believed it was that easy. He really thought that I was being dramatic, drawing it out on purpose.
My upset morphed into anger. I mashed my lips together, swallowing
the
serum as it
reached higher
in my throat. I felt it coursing through my veins before Kellan jerked his hand away. I leaned onto the cabinets, using them as leverage to stand.
“Shit,” Sanders’ word was a bark. They knew what Kellan had done, even when he didn’t.
Tears continued to
burn the back of my eyes as I faced him. They said that a tragedy would either push a couple together, make them stronger, or it would destroy them. The darkness inside me grew as I was forced to face the truth.
Kellan seemed confused as I glared at him. His eyes traveled up and down my body, illuminated by anger. I felt threatened, or else I wouldn’t have lit up. I felt overwhelmed and uncertain, or else I wouldn’t have lit up. Your soul mate, the love of your life, was supposed to comfort you in times of sorrow,
and
was supposed to support you, hold you up, when you couldn’t hold yourself up. He was supposed to be the yin to my yang, keeping me perfectly balanced. He was supposed to be so much more.
Maybe that was my mistake though. I loved Kellan as he was, but still expected more from him. I couldn’t expect him to change. You can’t force change. He had to want to change. He had to want to be different. And as much as he said he wanted to be, it was obvious
by his actions
he wasn’t ready.
The problem was that I was ready for change. Kai made me realize that
even
though I was immortal, my days were still numbered. I didn’t want to spend them with someone who didn’t appreciate me, who didn’t understand me. Kellan had comforted me and be
en
there for me, but that was
during
the aftermath, when the shock was fresh, when the knowledge of what he almost lost was fresh. Now, now he’d snapped.
I didn’t deserve to have my character questioned. Who drew out sorrow? Who wanted to live a pity party for the rest of their life? In truth, I wanted them to just leave me alone. Let me grieve in peace. Let me be. Let me let go of Kai in my own way, on my own
terms.
I knew Kellan saw the fire blazing in my eyes as I speared him with my eyes. “Go,” I clipped.
“Lexi, think about this, babe. You’re just a little emotional. I’m only
…”
“Go! I don’t want an asshole for a fiancé. I don’t want someone who insinuates that I’m crying for attention rather than from a broken heart. I don’t want someone who’s going to yell at me, who’s going to treat me less than how I deserve to be treated. I love you.” The tears welled, front and center, but I pushed forward. “God, I love you, but you clearly can’t handle that love. Everyone was right. You really are too immature for love. Your head is stuck so far up your own ass you can’t even recognize the obvious pain in my eyes. You don’t see anything you don’t want to see, Kellan, and I’m done.
“I’m done trying to open your eyes. I’m done trying to excuse your behavior. Everyone has something in their past to regret, everyone has some sort of hang-up. You’re no exception, and I refuse to be your exception to the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated. If you can’t love me through this, then I don’t want your love when I’m through this.”
My hands shook as tears
trailed
down my face. I struggled to tug the ring off my finger. Noticing I was still glowing, I set it on the counter. “Please go. Baby or not, I’m done, Kellan.”
I
couldn’t even look at him as I
moved past him
, heading
straight for the bedroom. The tremors got worse as I closed the door, Beyonce
still sounding from the iPod on the floor in the kitchen.
My flesh was numb as I slid down the door, barely feeling the shock
spark
me when I
brushed up against
the doorknob. My outside was anesthetized, but my inside was swirling with potent emotions that had my body shutting down, my spirit wilting, my heart pounding, bordering
on
a human heart attack. My pulse thundered, echoing in my ears as I fought for air.
Too much was escaping me though. Air kept whooshing out, taking vital pieces of me with it. I heard the blood rushing through my veins, I felt the pounding of my heart
against
my chest wall, I felt my lungs expanding, sending much needed oxygen to the baby, but I didn’t feel right. My body was
only
functioning out of necessity
.
I was reacting; my body was reacting to the feelings I couldn’t even name.
I felt everything inside me moving, yet I felt so empty, as if nothing should be left.
I didn’t know how much time passed before exhaustion seeped into my limbs. My heart slowed, my pulse quieted as I lay
,
curled
on my side
,
on the cold floor. The cool, hard surface was the only thing that assured me I hadn’t died, that I was still physically here.
My thoughts began to slow; the pain that brought me to my knees so often was receding, disappearing briefly under the cloud of fatigue. I wrapped my arms around my belly, cradling my unborn baby boy the only way I could
and
apologizing the best I could
,
silently.
My eyelids fell, the weight of them making it impossible to open
them
. With my eyes closed
and
my body tired and worn, I was able to let go; I was forced to let go. And, for the first time in a week, calm
washed over me.
And if I tried hard enough, I could almost sense Kai cuddling me, comforting me from beyond. Peace. He was offering me peace in the midst of the storm. God, I missed him so much!
Chapter 33
Kellan
I pounded on Craig’s door. When the door jerked open, I saw the shock on his face for a split second before I pushed past him
entering
his condo.
I scrubbed my face with one hand, tugging on my roots with the other. I couldn’t fucking calm down. I’d finally done it.
I’d been a fucking idiot. I could put two and two together.
Judging by
Lexi’s words, the looks I’d received
over
the past week finally made sense. Everyone thought it really should have been me to die. Kai’s sacrifice seemed to highlight all of my flaws. People seemed capable of judging me openly now that I’d narrowly escaped fate, now that someone else had sacrificed
in my place.
They acted as if I chose this.
I sighed, the fight leaving me. I was done being angry. Anger did nothing but destroy the ones closest to me. Anger got me in trouble. Anger ruined me as a man and made me a sloppy vamp.
“Why the blunder, mate?” Craig eyed me with concern
and
compassion. He and my parents were the only ones still
offering
me a bit of respect.
I threw down the ring on his coffee table, the truth of its possession saying what I couldn’t. Seeing it there between us stirred up
everything
I’d struggled to bury on my way here.
I gl
owered
at the ring. How could a single item hold so much meaning? Emotions boiled inside me, rapidly rising to the surface. I focused on trying to keep them down, on trying to hold back all that was on the verge of erupting from within me.
It wasn’t working though.
My chest constricted as tears stung my eyes. The moment I recognized their presence, the red drops were
already
sliding down my cheeks.
Fuck!
It was finally hitting me. I hated their looks because it was how I’d come to look at myself lately. I knew my mistakes better than anyone. I knew better than all of them how little I deserved her; how I didn’t deserve his sacrifice
either
. Her words today proved it.
“Ah, fuck, mate.” Craig threw his arms around me.
I crumbled, unable to hold back. I threw my arms around him, squeezing him to me. Maybe it should have been me that died. Fate had a reason for everything; escaping it didn’t change its intentions, the harrowing honesty of it. As much as I hated to admit it, he had treated her well. He’d treated her better than
I did.
Fuck
. How could you so easily destroy the person you loved the most? Why was it so easy to lash out at her? Why did I hurt her instead of a stranger? Why did I unleash my darkness on the purest light in my life? God, I was so fucked up. I’d completely bashed her love. I’d stomped on it every time I yelled at her. I’d stabbed her heart with a sharp knife every time I kept something from her. I’d been such a bastard.
She wasn’t perfect. She’d made her fair share of mistakes, particularly with Kai. But I couldn’t blame her. I would run to him too, especially after I treated her like she was an afterthought.
I trembled in Craig’s tight grasp as the aftermath of my destruction settled over me. I’d taken a once strong vampeen and reduced her to an insecure little girl. My anger, my lack of control
,
had done that.
Sobs heaved from within me. My lungs struggled to expand under the weight of my past, under the weight of all I’d been gambling. Why the fuck wasn’t I thinking? How could I risk her like that? How could I treat her like trash and then expect her to love me the same, to not run to him?
Just as I had scars from my past, she had scars from me. Only hers went deeper than pride. Her kissing Kai only hurt my pride as her man, as the one
she’d ultimately chosen.
My outbursts reduced her, my rugged clips dug into her; they sent her crawling back into her human shell, questioning herself, questioning her worth.
Worse, I did it while she was pregnant. I did it to her while she was carrying my child. She was doing the most selfless act, showing me the greatness of her love in creating and nurturing a baby with me, but I threw it in her face.
Fuck
. I was in deep. I’d really messed up this time, and for once, I didn’t know if she would forgive me.