Authors: Abigail Collins
I take a deep breath and hoist myself onto my knees, crouching with my palms flat against my thighs. Holden’s face is so pale it looks almost translucent and the bags under his eyes cut sinkholes out of his sockets.
“I bet you’re wondering why I
chose
to do this, aren’t you?” he asks, chuckling softly. I shrug, unsure of what to say. “Nobody in their right mind would want to come here willingly. That’s what you think, right? Dori thinks the same. Did he tell you that it’s my fault he’s here? Because it is.”
He’s starting to ramble, speaking faster and softer with each word; I’m not even sure he’s talking to
me
anymore. There is a manic look in his eyes that startles me. He is such a gentle person, but I also watched him shoot a Digit in his simulation today without even batting an eye.
“He doesn’t blame you,” I say, though I know from the look on his face that Holden doesn’t believe me. “Dori chose to follow you because he loves you. That’s not your fault. And it was
his
choice.”
Holden looks down at his fingers, twined together in his lap. “Did he tell you to say that?”
I don’t want to lie, but I also know better than to give someone hope when there is none. “It’s the truth,” I say instead, hoping that my answer will be enough for him.
He nods. “That’s what he told me, too. But I know he thinks it’s his fault, too. He thinks the reason my legs don’t work is because of him.”
“How…?”
“You know,” Holden says, smiling sadly, “you’re the first person Dori and I have come across who hasn’t had a problem with our relationship in a long time. It’s not exactly…
acceptable
to most people.”
“Yeah, but you guys love each other, right? Why would anybody have a problem with that?”
“You’d be surprised. I tried telling my parents pretty much the same thing right before they kicked me out and disowned me. They weren’t quite as open-minded as you are.”
He blinks quickly and sniffs, clearly trying to hold back tears. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have to talk about this, especially if it makes him sad, but he seems to want to say it. Maybe letting it all out will make him feel better. It’s never really worked for me, but then again, I’ve never really told someone everything I was feeling.
I wait silently for him to continue; he takes a deep breath and clears his throat softly before he does.
“I didn’t have
anything
, you know? That’s what it felt like, at least. I had no family, no job, no future. And yeah, I had Dori, and I loved him – still do – but I just couldn’t see that back then. I was upset at myself and the rest of the world, and I got into a huge fight with Dori that’s
entirely
my fault, but he still blames himself for it.”
“Is that when you… um… got hurt?” I ask, gesturing to his damaged legs. They look normal – albeit a little disproportionately skinny compared to the rest of his body – but his toes are curled inwards and his knees are pressed tightly together like they’re stuck that way. It feels so strange, thinking about him walking; I’ve gotten so used to his chair that it seems like a part of him to me now.
“Yes,” he answers, then pauses. “I… I was upset. I don’t even remember most of it, except that I ran away and I woke up in a hospital two days later.”
“Do you know what happened?”
His eyes gloss over and I think for a moment that he’s going to cry, but then he coughs, rubs his eyes, and continues speaking. His voice sounds distant, more detached, and I know it’s because he’s trying to recount his story through someone else’s eyes; if he doesn’t treat it like a memory, then it can’t hurt him like one.
“I tried to kill myself,” he says finally. “I just wanted everything to be
over
, so I ran in front of a train without even really thinking about it. It didn’t kill me, obviously, but it messed up my spine pretty bad. I can’t feel anything from the waist down. So you can see why I’m here; I don’t care what happens to me, as long as I can walk again. That’s the only way I can fix my mistake.”
“And Dori thinks it’s his fault that you got hurt? Because you guys had one little fight?”
“That’s part of it. But it’s really because I love him. My parents threw me out of the house the second they found out that I was in love with another man, so of course, Dori believes that it’s his own fault. Like he
made
me love him. Or like I would ever have regretted it, because I hadn’t. I still don’t.”
My heartbeat is thrumming loudly in my ears. I wish I knew how to comfort him. Compared to Holden, I feel pathetic for ever having pitied myself for my situation. At least I still have Fray, and Crissy, and the memory of two parents who loved me very much; even though my mother kept secrets from me, I know that she did it because she thought it was what was best for me.
Sometimes people hurt the ones they love, even if they don’t mean to. But that doesn’t mean that they love them any less.
I feel a hard pit of guilt in my stomach. I’ve spent so much time being angry with my mother, and spiteful towards the Digits, that I’ve completely forgotten what’s important in my life.
“Holden, I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. But Dori really does care a lot about you, and I think he’s forgiven you for what you did, so… Maybe you can try forgiving yourself, too?”
Holden grins, and it’s the first real smile I’ve seen on his face since our conversation began. “That’s why I’m here. I want my legs back. I want my
life
back.”
“Why… why are you telling me this?” I ask, and Holden pauses, taken aback by the sudden shift in the flow of the conversation.
His smile fades quickly, and his eyebrows furrow as he thinks. His hands are restless, his thumbnails scratching against his palms and his fingers tapping sporadic rhythms on his knuckles. For someone with such limited mobility, Holden really can’t keep still very well.
“I don’t know, really,” he finally admits. “Maybe it’s because you remind me a little bit of Dori, so I trust you. But it’s also because I know that you didn’t choose to come here. You and Dori have that in common, and I think if things ever went south, you’d be able to help him get out. I already signed up for this, and I’m sticking with it no matter how hard it gets, but if you ever get the chance to leave…”
My head is spinning. His words enter my ears like a foreign language, and it takes me several seconds to process them.
“You… want me to take Dori with me? If I can ever find a way out of here?”
Holden nods solemnly, his eyes fixed on his hands. His shoulders are slumped forward and his entire posture is folding his body inwards, as if he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for him to ask something like that – for me to help the love of his life escape, even if it meant that they would never see each other again.
“But what about you? If you know that this isn’t a good place for Dori to be, then why are you willing to stay here? Why not leave
with
him?”
“Because,” he sighs, “I’m no good the way I am. I mean,
look
at me.” He gestures first to his legs, then his waist, and up along his torso as he speaks. “I can’t walk; I can’t even feel my feet. I’ve lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of weight from just being stuck in this chair all day. There aren’t a whole lot of good jobs out there for someone like me. I’m worth
nothing
to
anybody
the way I am right now, even if Dori tries to tell me differently. And this is the only way that I even have a
chance
of changing that. I can’t leave without even
trying
.”
There is so much desperation in Holden’s voice, pleading with me to understand what he’s trying to tell me, that I can’t help but sympathize with him. If I was in his situation, what would I do? His past is a mess, and he doesn’t have much of a future if he stays as he is now, so I can understand why he’s choosing to live for each moment as it comes. He’s not even thinking about the consequences of his choices yet, just what he stands to earn from them.
A personality trait like that could prove to be his downfall. I really hope it isn’t, but I’ve seen firsthand what kind of things the Digits are capable of, and rebuilding someone’s life isn’t one of them.
“I’ll help you,” I agree, and a wave of relief washes over Holden’s face. Did he honestly expect me to
refuse
to help him? “But I’m not planning on leaving just yet. It’s true, I don’t want to be here, but now that I am I might as well get something out of it.”
“What are you after?”
I take a moment to think of the best way to phrase my response. “Information,” I say. “My parents were murdered by two Digits who I was told belong to another Division. Dori told me about the army Division 6 is building to fight 4, and I think that’s where my parents’ killers are from. Tesla – that’s the Digit who brought me here – told me that my mother ran away and that the reason she did it is the reason she died. But she wouldn’t tell me anything else. She said I have to stay here and do what she asks, and afterwards she’ll tell me everything. But…”
“But you don’t trust what she says?” Holden guesses, and I incline my head tersely. “I understand that. I don’t exactly
trust
them either. But I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
“Maybe you will. Maybe I can dig up some information that’ll help you, too.”
He smiles again, but it’s so wan and tight that it makes my chest ache. I feel so terribly for him and Dori. I’m not lying when I tell him that I will help him if I can, but I’m not telling him the entire truth, either – that once I get the information I need and the opportunity to escape, I’m leaving, with or without Dori.
He helps me to my feet, gripping one hand around mine and the other on one of the arms of his chair. My legs aren’t shaking as badly as they were yesterday, but I still feel like I haven’t slept in weeks; my entire body is exhausted, and I can barely summon enough energy to walk from the Main Lab back to my cabin.
I am covered in sweat, and I probably smell worse than I have in a long time, but I don’t feel like showering right now. So much information is jolting through my brain that it feels like it could short-circuit itself at any moment. I wish I could just close my eyes and rest without thinking about a single thing, but I know better than to hope for something like that.
I’ve learned a lot over the past two days, but I still don’t know nearly enough. My mother’s secrets remain a mystery, and I have yet to figure out exactly why I’m here.
Holden helps me out the central building’s main door, letting me use the back of his wheelchair as a makeshift crutch, and we part ways when we reach my cabin. Part of me expects him to come inside and see how Dori is doing, but he leaves without a second glance.
Dori is asleep when I enter, his face contorted into what is clearly the sign of a nightmare. Though it’s only the middle of the day, I feel tired enough to sleep until tomorrow morning.
I haven’t stopped having nightmares about Fray’s death ever since the first time I witnessed it in a simulation, and I expect today to be no different. But instead of my brother’s mangled corpse, I see Holden’s, with Dori standing over him, his body wracked with sobs.
I wake in a cold sweat just a few hours later, not sure which image terrifies me more.
Chapter nineteen
Dori is gone by the time I wake up the next morning. His sheets are strewn across his mattress, and the clothes he wore yesterday are thrown in a pile at the end of his bed. Judging from the light filtering into the room through the windows, it’s barely daybreak. I am used to Dori waking up early and leaving before me, so I’m not surprised.
When he doesn’t show up for breakfast, though, I start to worry.
I ask Holden if he’s seen Dori, and he tells me that they haven’t spoken for nearly a day; they’re not fighting, but I know that the guilt they are both feeling is making it difficult for them to be around each other right now.
He tries not to act too concerned, but I can see worry-lines creasing his forehead. His fingernails drag across the bottom of the cafeteria table, echoing scratching noises in my ears and raising the hairs on the back of my head. It’s eerily silent in here today, and every sound is magnified in the empty air.
“Do you know what Dori’s group has been doing?” I ask after the silence gets to be too much. I am whispering, but my voice sounds like a shout in my own ears.
Holden shakes his head. “No. He won’t tell me. When I asked, he gave me this strange look I’ve never seen on him before. I told him what
we’re
doing, and I think it’s pretty obvious from his reaction that his group is doing something completely different.”