A Little Bit of Everything Lost (15 page)

Why hadn’t she said no?

And if she had, would he have stopped?

**

Of course, Marnie blamed herself. She had laughed at his jokes, drank the beers he brought her, made out with him. She went to his room. She lay on the bed. That’s practically asking for it. When Marnie got back to her suite later, Devon pounced, full of questions.

“So, how was it? You’re totally into him aren’t you? I knew it! Kyle called. He said Tyler didn’t understand why you bolted from his room when he went to the bathroom? He said he wanted to take you to breakfast! Didn’t you have a good time? I mean, you stayed the whole night.”

“I need a shower,” was all Marnie could get out.

Marnie walked past their beds toward the bathroom they shared with the bopsy twins. In the shower, she sank to the floor and let the water rush over her. The water scorched and the tears that came were just as hot.

What the fuck was she turning into?
Why the hell had she let that happen? Marnie had to get control.

Not only did Marnie blame herself, she blamed Joe. For as much as she missed him, she was in an angry fury, pissed he swept into her life, disrupted it, made her feel like she had never felt in her life, and then,
swoosh!
He left her, open, vulnerable, wanting. Alone.

He had fucked up her life. She had been absolutely, completely fine without him. But he gave her what he wanted to, what he felt like sharing, and then left. She had been living, breathing, thinking,
sleeping
him over the summer. Now he was gone, back at school, back to his own life, doing whatever he did, wherever he did it, to whomever he felt like doing it to.

She was a wreck, and what had happened in Tyler’s room just proved to her even more so. She had to,
needed
to talk to Joe. If only to hear him tell her it had just been a summer thing, and that it was over. She needed closure. She couldn’t go on like this. She just wanted to hear him say she was nothing to him so she could get on with her life.

Because the way she was behaving at school was not the way for her to get on with her life.

Chapter Thirty-Two
The Pregnancy – February 2004

It was easy to forget she was pregnant this time around. She didn’t look pregnant, didn’t even feel pregnant, and unlike with Jeremy and Trey, she had no morning sickness, incidentally making her almost positive she was carrying the daughter she had always hoped for. Marnie was tired, sure, but not unusually so, not much more than the typical exhaustion of caring for rambunctious little boys with an almost never-present dad.

Marnie had also not gained any weight yet. She was walking a few times a week with Collette after their kids went to school, but they had moved indoors at the gym now that it was winter. Collette hadn’t noticed a weight gain, because she would have said something if she had. She was that type of friend. Instead, she commented on the exact opposite.

“You look great Marnie, what are you doing differently?”

“Nothing, just walking with you.”

“Seriously? No secret trainer sessions? Or are you drinking Red Bull now?” Collette joked.

“Well, I’m taking some new vitamins, maybe that’s it.”

“Ooh, you’ll have to tell me what kind!”

Marnie was sure Collette would not want to start taking prenatal vitamins so she kept her mouth shut.

Weekends were so crazy; it seemed there was never a good time to sit down with Stuart and tell him she was pregnant. Plus, if she was being honest, she was scared to death to tell him. But also, every weekend was packed. Marnie was building up her photography business, attending local trade shows, and taking photos for friends for free to showcase on her now-live website. She knew marketing for the business would be the toughest part and needed to get her name and p
roduct out there. When she wasn’t taking pictures, she was working on creating a brand for herself.

Whenever it did seem like the right time to talk to Stuart about the pregnancy, one of the boys would come in with a joke, or Trey wanted help building an airplane Lego set. Or there’d be sporting events, play dates or neighborhood activities. Sometimes Marnie wanted a quiet evening to sit and think on her own. To get used to the idea herself that she was growing a baby.

One early Sunday morning, Stuart and Marnie woke to a brilliant and quiet snowstorm. It was one of those storms where Marnie knew they’d make a fire later, and they’d eat soup and warm loaves of bread for dinner. The kids would lay on the floor and do Legos, and Marnie and Stuart would read the paper and drink coffee all morning.

Marnie felt Stuart rustle next to her under the covers and then he reached for her, and pulled her close.

“Mmmm. How are you?” he asked, his breath warm and soft.

“Good. Good morning,” Marnie mumbled into his neck.

“I’ve missed you. It seems like we’re running in two different directions all the time.”

“I know.” Marnie snuggled into him as Stuart caressed her neck.

“It doesn’t help that you’re usually on the other side of the country half of the week, and I sleep alone.” She tried a gentle smile, even though she knew he wouldn’t be able to see it.

They lay there for a while, feeling the closeness of one another, surrounded by the stillness of their home. Stuart pulled her closer and felt all of her; he rubbed her back, gently at first, and then longingly. Finally, he held her at arm’s length to look at her. And he really looked at her. For a long time. It was such a long time, Marnie finally broke his gaze and asked, “What?”

“I miss you all the time when I’m gone. I want you to know that. I wish I didn’t have to be gone. I love you so much.”

Marnie kept her head down, her eyes squeezed shut. She felt the burning sensation of tears spread through her face. The sensation started at the tip of her nose and moved toward the edges of her eyes. She swallowed hard.

Stuart pulled her closer, encircling his arms around her, so that Marnie’s face was in his shoulder. That’s when she said it.

“
Baby.”

“
Yes?” Stuart said.

The tears slid down her c
heeks then, she knew she couldn’t stop them, and the words caught in her throat. She tried it again, “Baby… we… ”

He didn’
t know she was crying yet.

“It’
s okay, the boys are still sleeping. They won’t hear us.”

“No.”

He took her chin in his palm and lifted her face and saw that she was crying, and she took a breath and said it again.

“Baby. A baby. I’
m pregnant.”

Chapter
Thirty-Three
October 1988

Marnie couldn’t get her focus. Ever since what happened with Tyler, she was even more withdrawn, practically numb. In between classes, she spent her time lying on her bed, drinking diet Coke and watching episodes of MTV’s
Real World
and
Remote Control,
rarely joining Devon and her other friends downstairs for dinner, surviving on microwave popcorn and packets of peanut butter crackers.

Sometimes she would take long walks around campus, meandering through the art history building or stopping by the photography classroom to look at the work displayed there. She wished she had the energy to take her camera out, to shoot photos, but she didn’t. She didn’t think she could capture any emotion other than sadness. She didn’t want to take pictures of that kind of stuff.

She made up lame excuses to not go out on the weekends. She was pummeled emotionally, felt rotten physically, blamed herself for everything that had happened to her.

“What’s going on?” Devon asked countless times. “Was this guy Joe really that great? Tyler’s totally into you and he’s such a good guy. He really likes you.”

“You don’t understand. I don’t understand. I can’t believe he’s not calling. I just don’t get it. We spent every single moment we could together, and the fact that it’s like I didn’t even exist to him… ”

“Maybe something happened to him?” Devon offered.

“I don’t know,” Marnie said. “We were like how you and Kyle are, but in such a short amount of time. We connected, really connected, and so fast. I know it sounds crazy to say, but it’s almost like we couldn’t breathe without one another. I felt that way at least. Apparently, he’s breathing fine on his own,” Marnie held back tears.

Tyler kept calling. Devon intercepted most of the calls, and Devon would tell Marnie that he really liked her, that he wanted to take her out, but Marnie kept saying no.

Every time the phone rang, Marnie hoped it was Joe. Once, when less-evil bopsy-twin roomie Lindsay came into the room to tell her she had a call, Marnie’s heart began to race, hoping that it was finally Joe calling.

“Do you know who it is?” Marnie whispered to Lindsay.

“Who’s calling?” Lindsay asked into the phone.

“It’s Tyler.” Lindsay mouthed to Marnie.

“Don’t wanna talk.” Marnie replied.

“I can’t keep telling him you’re not here!” Lindsay held the mouthpiece of the phone tight and low, so Tyler couldn’t hear. Marnie didn’t want to talk to him but took the phone from Lindsay anyway.

“What?” Marnie snapped into the phone.

“Uh… well, hello to you too,” Tyler said.

“Why are you calling me?”

“I just, well, I guess… I wanted to see if you wanted to get together again. I mean, like go out and do something. Maybe with Devon and Kyle?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think so. I was a mess that night. That whole night was bad. I was just really drunk. It shouldn’t have happened.”

“Well, I guess that makes me feel better. I mean, I wanted to talk to you about that night and all.”

“What about it?” Marnie knew she was being rude, but after Joe, she didn’t want to put herself out there for anyone.

“I just, well, I thought we were… and you know, I thought we were getting along really great that night, and that you uh, were feeling the same way about everything, and if you weren’t, well then, I’m really sorry if you didn’t want to do that.”

She softened a bit. “I do like you, but it wasn’t what I wanted that night, so that’s really cool of you to say. But seriously, my head’s not on straight these days, even before that. I’m what you would say, just a little screwed up lately.”

“Yeah well, still, I’m sorry. If you ever feel like getting unscrewed, give me a call.”

Marnie actually laughed. “It might be awhile, but thanks Tyler. I mean that.”

“Take it easy then. Bye.”

**

Homecoming came and went. While others were outside in the Quad basking in the fall weather, attending football games, parties and college events that would become memories to be recalled upon years from then, Marnie sat in her dorm room, shrinking further into herself. Classes blended into one another, and Marnie found she was missing them more often than she attended. She stopped waiting by the phone, convinced that Joe had either never felt anything for her, which made her hate him, or that he had died in a tragic accident, because those had to be the only reasons he wouldn’t have called her. She imagined him dead, and that made her feel a little better, to imagine that he had loved her, but had died. She would rather think that, than think he had never felt anything for her, which made her want to feel nothing but hate for him.

Finally, she started going out again to places where tequila shots and cheap Long Island Iced Teas made her forget for a little while. Being drunk numbed her, and in doing so, Tyler became something of an interest, or maybe a distraction, as his not-so-subtle attention began to wear her down.

He was always with Kyle, who was always with Devon, and he’d show up at her dorm, or she’d see him on campus, or out at the bars. Now that Marnie was going out again, it was hard to resist Tyler’s good looks and attention, especially when the alcohol was flowing. He was available, handsome, and obviously very into Marnie. There was no sign that Joe was ever going to get in touch with her.

She was lying on Tyler’s bed late one night, buzzed but not quite wasted, and he was going through his cassette tapes when he pulled out The Cure
.

“How about this one?” he asked.

“No. Not that one.”

“Okaaay.”

“Sorry. I just don’t like The Cure that much anymore.”

He moved to the bed and sat down next to her, touched her knee. Marnie moved. Not much, but enough.

“What’s the matter?” Tyler asked.

“Nothing. Let’s go back downstairs and get more beer.”

“Hey, what’s the matter?” he asked. “I like you. I like hanging out with you. Is that cool?”

“I don’t want to get into a deep conversation. Let’s just hang out, okay. Nothing serious. I can’t do serious. Okay?”