Authors: Adrienne Torrisi
"I'm going to the chapel," Todd finally
speaks out loud after another hour of silence. His family is no more religious than mine, but I know how he feels; something like this really makes you believe or at least want to believe in something.
"I'll go, too," I
say, getting up.
"Ryan?" Todd
asks.
"No, thanks. I'll stay here."
We are alone for the entire elevator ride down; it's surprising how quiet the hospital is at three am. We don’t say a word, but the silence isn’t uncomfortable, it’s just silence.
"It's too much," I finally
say out loud. "It's so scary, not knowing." I glance down at the familiar, speckled linoleum floor to try to fight back the tears that start to well up anytime I actually let myself think about what is happening.
"I know," Todd
says, intertwining his warm fingers with mine. I immediately feel better just touching him. "I hate it. I just want answers and I hate that there aren't any." Todd's phone is buzzing in his pocket.
"Don't you want to check that?"
"Not really. It's Rebecca." He looks at me with his piercing eyes. "Now's not the time to say anything. Plus, she wants news and there's really none to give. So I just keep texting back ‘no change—same’. I figured it's better not to give her too many details."
"Yeah, that makes sense." I
try to hide the disappointment in my voice.
"I mean about Brian and
Gretch. I did text her we need to talk. So I think she might be curious."
"You did?" I
can't help grinning.
"Yeah, I told you. We were always more friends than anything." He
stops walking and pulls me to a stop with him. "Ashley, I wasn't lying. Tonight made me realize you were the only person I wanted to talk to, you are the only person I want to be with." Right there, in the middle of the hospital hallway, he leans in and kisses me, and this is the best kiss yet; there is so much passion. We are both exhausted and feeling so many emotions and it all seems to be poured out in this kiss.
It
’s crazy to think that less than ten hours ago my biggest concerns were Ryan finding out the secret and the boys losing the game. That seems completely trivial now. So much has happened and so much has changed. I know I should feel tired; it is as if I've lived two lifetimes in the last ten hours, but I don’t feel tired, I feel alive for the first time. I’m exhausted with emotion, but alive with adrenaline.
Todd
holds my hand the rest of the way to the chapel down the completely empty halls, it is almost as if we have the entire hospital to ourselves. We only separate hands when we get inside. There is an immediate peace that fills the room. If nothing else, it is calming to be here and to hopefully speak to someone who maybe does have control over the situation. For the first time, I truly understand why they call it faith.
***
"We must have been there for over an hour," Todd says on our elevator ride back up to the fourth floor.
"Good. One more hour Brian made it through without any scares." I smile. His doctor’s voice
keeps ringing in my ears, ‘
we need to take it one hour at a time tonight
’. When we walk up to the waiting area, Ryan is asleep, sitting up in one of the chairs.
"Don't wake him," Todd
whispers to me. "He needs his sleep."
"Yeah, so do we, but I'm not even tired. Plus, I can't imagine trying to sleep in these chairs,” I
say as I rest my head on Todd's warm chest. I always forget how firm it is until I actually touch it.
I
feel so comfortable right here. I never want this moment to end. He is incredibly warm and he smells so good—even after the fight, the rain, the accident—he smells like Todd; a smell I can never get enough of. I inhale deeply to make the most of this opportunity, to envelop myself in his scent, and my eyelids suddenly feel heavy; I just need to close them for a minute.
It
is pitch black, silent and finally calm.
Then I hear my name
from somewhere far off, but the voice sounds familiar.
This keeps happening.
There it is again. It sounds like my mom? My mom! I quickly open my eyes to a blurry silhouette standing right above me, my contacts feel like they have been glued to my eyes. I keep blinking to help bring the moisture back and as the image comes into focus, it
is
my mom and she’s standing right above me. I spring up, a little confused as to where I am, but as soon as I realize I’ve been asleep on Todd’s chest and my mom just woke me up, I feel my cheeks getting hot with embarrassment, which is definitely going to give me away. I quickly wipe the drool off my chin.
This is beyond embarrassing!
I look at Todd, who is also just waking up and has the same confused look on his face. My eyes quickly dart over to where Ryan was sleeping, yet his seat is empty.
“Where’s Ryan?” Everything from last night
starts flooding back into my memory. I notice sunlight streaming through the window down the hall and realize that it must be morning already.
“Bathroom,” my mom
says and her smile says it all. She knows something is up, but thankfully, I can also tell by her smile she isn’t going to say anything.
Yet
.
“How’s Brian?” I
ask. Todd is rubbing his eyes and still coming to, but he quickly perks up for this question. I notice he has a circle of drool on his shirt from me and I instantly hope he doesn’t notice.
“So far, he’s good. Betty told us about the scare last night, but she said after that, he’s stayed steady and stable all night. Signs are looking good that they are going to try to bring him out of sedation today.”
“Oh, that’s great news!” Todd says, finally speaking. His voice is groggy and uneven. He still sounds really tired.
“Todd, I spoke to your mom this morning and they are on their way. She’s bringing you fresh clothes, too. Speaking of, here you go, Ash.” My mom
tosses me a bag.
Just then,
Ryan comes walking around the corner all cleaned up. “Well, well, well… good morning,” he says to Todd and me. It’s nice to see the sarcasm hasn’t gone anywhere. “Thanks, Mom! This is so much better.” He kisses my mom on the cheek. He looks fresh and clean, even his wounds from last night’s fight look better now that he is in fresh clothes.
I quickly excuse myself to go to the bathroom to change. I
haven’t realized how much I’ve wanted to get out of these clothes until I am taking them off. As I go through the bag my mom has packed, I find eye drops and my toothbrush and toothpaste. My mom is the best! I desperately need to get rid of my morning breath, especially before I speak to Todd again.
It
feels extremely good to get into dry, clean clothes. I look at my stiff, bloody clothes and can’t help thinking of everything that has happened in them. It’s a little bittersweet.
Todd and I had our first kiss in these clothes, the boys won the game, I thought Ryan hated me, Brian and
Gretchen had their accident, Todd said I was the only one he wanted to be with.
I look at myself in the mirror and smile at that last one
but my smile quickly fades when I see what I look like for the first time. I have dark circles under my eyes from old eyeliner that is smeared by my constant stream of tears. My eyes are red and swollen while my hair is an absolute mess. It feels really good to splash warm water on my face and rinse everything away. When I am finally putting my old clothes back in the bag I see a hair tie at the bottom. My mom really is the best! I pull my hair back into a ponytail. It is amazing to freshen up a little. Warm socks and shoes that aren’t still damp from being rain soaked make all the difference in the world. I feel like a new person as I walk back out to the waiting area. I am ready to conquer the day. Whatever it’s going to bring, I can handle it.
Chapter 14: Fresh Start
Bright morning sunlight
streams through the window as I walk down the long hall back out to the waiting room. From far off, I can see Todd isn’t there, which makes my heart sink a little. Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe now that the sun is out, and we aren’t utterly exhausted, things will be different. My stomach starts to do somersaults just thinking about the possibility.
“Good Morning, Ashley.” I hear from behind me in the most beautifully deep voice.
My heart starts to beat a little faster. I smile and think it’s a good thing I’m not hooked up to Brian’s heart monitor or it would definitely give my true feelings away. I feel the blood rush to my cheeks. I close my eyes and slowly turn around to see Todd standing in the middle of the hospital hallway. His clothes are no longer stained with blood or my drool, thankfully. His face is still bruised, but with all of the dried blood wiped away he looks much better. His eye is a bluish purple, but it is definitely starting to heal and the rest of his wounds are almost not even noticeable.
“You look great,” Todd
says, walking up to meet me in the hallway. He runs his hands over my freshly smoothed hair and then rests them on the back of my head as he leans down to kiss me.
“Good Morning,” I
say as we pull back from our kiss. “You look pretty great, too. Doesn’t it feel so good to have warm socks and shoes on?”
He
laughs and glances down at his shoes. “Well, your mom is a little nicer than mine. I only got fresh clothes.” He is still wearing his mud and rain soaked sneakers. “But they are almost dry,” he says, grabbing my hand as he starts walking toward the waiting room.
I pull him back. “Wait. We can’t really walk in there holding hands,” I whisper to him.
“Why?”
“Because, no one knows except Ryan and Sid. Don’t you think you should break up with Rebecca first?”
“She’s not out there,” he says so matter of factly.
“True, but your mom and dad are and so are mine,” I
say, getting a little nervous. What am I doing? Why am I trying to talk him out of letting everyone know? I’m so happy nothing has changed with the break of dawn, but it still feels wrong to walk out there holding hands. I’m not sure why, but it does.
“What’s the difference? I like you and you like me,” he
says, stepping in closer to me. His smile makes my knees weak with excitement, but I need to stand firm. I admire how calm and cool he is, but I think my parents might need this broken to them a little more gently than us making out as we rejoin the group.
“Let’s just break this to them slowly,” I whisper back. “They’ve had a lot to handle already and they’re pretty old,” I
say, biting my lip to hold back my giggle.
Todd
looks down at me and he gives me a small grin. “Okay, good point. We’ll take it slow, but it’s going to be hard.”
“At least break up with Rebecca first,” I whisper back.
Todd just rolls his beautiful eyes. “That’s going to happen today. It’s not fair to her to wait longer than that.” Even if he doesn’t feel the same way she does, I can tell he cares about her as a friend.
We both let go of each other’s hands and
walk out into the waiting area separately. There, waiting with everyone else, is Rebecca! I’m immediately thankful that we didn’t walk in holding hands or anything else for that matter. I can tell from the smile on her face that she didn’t see us together down the hall. She is sitting next to Ryan, but it is clear she is only interested in one thing.
“There you are,” she
says, getting up to greet Todd.
“Hi, Rebecca,” I
say as she walks by, ignoring me as usual.
“This just made things a whole lot easier.” Todd
leans down and whispers in my ear. Only he could see this as a positive. I simply smile and head over to sit down next to Sid.
Todd
whispers something to Rebecca after she—once again—inappropriately kisses him in front of everyone. Normally, I would feel such jealousy watching her in action, but today is different. I know how he really feels and it is incredible. I do feel a little bad for her; I mean, after all, I know exactly how it feels to have your heart broken. I’ll never forget sitting at my kitchen table after homecoming when Sid finally pulled the truth out of Todd.
Todd and RTS
start walking toward the elevators. Todd turns back to all of us. “We’ll be right back,” he says and winks at me.
All this fluttering can’t be good for my heart. I
look over at Sid, who caught the wink, too. She quickly figures out what is happening and leans into me. “He’s breaking up with her, isn’t he?”
I just shrug my shoulders innocently.
“Whatever,” Sid says, sitting back. “You totally know.” She smiles. I glance over at Ryan, who shakes his head and gives me that I-know-what's-happening kind of smile while I act like I have no idea what he is smiling about.
Todd
is gone for a while and, when he finally comes back, he is alone. He sits down next to Ryan.
“Where’s Rebecca?” Ryan
asks, pretending to ask an innocent question, but it is loaded with sarcasm.
“She’s coming; she had to go to the bathroom,” he
answers Ryan very matter of factly. It’s clear he doesn’t want to joke about it right now. Maybe she didn’t take it well? Who am I kidding, of course she didn’t take it well. Sid and I exchange glances and both of us know what the other person is thinking; he did it!
“Good Morning,” Brian’s doctor
greets us all in the waiting area.
“Good Morning, Dr. Greene,” Brian’s mom
says, perking up. “Any news?” She is full of hope.
“Brian’s doing extremely well. He made it through the first twelve hours, which are the most difficult
, and, aside from the one scare we had last night, he did very well. His brain activity is strong and his heart rate and blood pressure are steady. All of his vitals are stable. Since he’s doing so well, we’re going to continue to keep him heavily sedated for the next few hours and if he continues to show improvement, we’re going to start to bring him out of sedation so we can see how his body reacts. I’ll keep you updated throughout the day and, if all continues to go well, we should have a lot of answers by tonight.” We all breathe a huge sigh of relief; it feels like we are taking a step in the right direction.
On the heels of Brian's doctor, Gretchen's doctor
approaches. "Good morning, everyone," he says to the group and then he nods to Brian's doctor. "Dr. Greene."
"Dr. Conner." He
nods back.
"Mr. and Mrs. Parker, I've got great news. Gretchen made it through the night with no complications. We just gave her a CT scan and it
confirmed all internal bleeding has stopped and her body is adjusting nicely to her splenectomy. We're moving her to her own room out of ICU. She should be settled on the second floor and ready for visitors soon."
"Any idea when she can go home?" Gretchen's dad
asks.
"Let's play it by ear, but if all continues to go well, in a few days."
"That's great news!" we hear from behind us. Everyone turns to look, somewhere in the middle of the doctor’s conversation, Rebecca has come back. Her eyes are puffy and it is obvious she's been crying, but she is covering it up with a smile. She sits down next to Gretchen's parents without really looking over in Todd's direction. Todd and I keep our distance, too. He’s sticking with Ryan and, thankfully, Sid is here so we are naturally together. To an outsider, everything seems normal. Inside, it is like fireworks are going off, full of nerves and elation. I just keep replaying pieces of moments with Todd. His soft lips, the flecks of green in his blue eyes, his warm hands on my face. There are so many memories flashing through my head on fast forward, I can't help but smile.
Now that Gretchen
is awake and out of ICU, there is no limit to visitors. Her parents go down first with RTS—okay, Rebecca—and Ryan. When I finally go down, Ryan is in with Gretch alone. I can see her feet under the white sheets and Ryan is sitting right next to her bed. I hear them talking before I walk through her doorway, so I stop.
"Now you know what it's like," Gretchen
is saying.
"Yes, I'd much rather be the one in the bed," Ryan
responds.
"Ryan, I'm so sorry." I hear Gretchen's voice crack; I
can tell she is starting to cry.
"Stop. I'm just happy you’re okay," Ryan
says, wiping a tear from her cheek.
"I don't know why I believed him. He was so convincing and she—she's so pretty."
"I love you. I would never cheat on you," Ryan assures her.
"I love you, too. It meant nothing with Brian. I mean, I'll always love him as a friend, but just friends. Nothing else."
"I feel the same way about Blythe. She's just a good friend. A Friend," Ryan repeats the word again just to be clear.
"I love you so much, Ryan. When I thought I lost you because of my stupid mistake—" Gretchen
is almost sobbing at this point.
"Just promise me one thing; you will never believe I could cheat on you again," Ryan
says rubbing her un-bandaged hand.
There
is silence. I debate if I should walk in or turn around and leave. Then Ryan starts talking again, "I was so mad at you both, but then, seeing you in the hospital and thinking I might lose you, really lose you, I couldn't bear it. It made me realize how much I love you, both of you.” He takes a deep breath. “I wanted to kill Brian. I was so hurt and angry, but it all changed so quickly."
"My parents said Brian is going to be okay?" Gretchen
asks with trepidation.
After another long pause of silence, Ryan
speaks, "So far the doctor said it's looking really good. You're both lucky."
"I know,” Gretchen
says so low I almost can’t hear her. “Hey, now we've both had emergency surgery." Her voice is full of excitement for the first time.
"This is true," Ryan
says, laughing. "It's a pretty exclusive club." He grabs her hand.
I figure if
I’m going to walk in, this is my moment. "Hi, guys!" I say loudly from the hallway, thinking it's best to give them fair warning.
"Ashley!" Gretchen
says, trying to sit up a little straighter in her bed, although the movement makes her wince in pain. "I heard you were here, I was hoping you'd come visit," I really think she means it, too. Maybe we bonded at the scene of the accident. I feel like we did, but who knows what is and isn’t real from last night.
"You look great!" I
say, and she really does. It is so good to see her awake and smiling. It is nice to erase the last image I have of her being put in the ambulance.
"Thank you for everything. I'm so happy you were
there with me," she says. I think for a moment that she is kidding, but when I look at her bright green eyes they are extremely sincere. I immediately feel guilty for screaming at her earlier that night and I find myself hoping she doesn’t remember.
I
gaze down at the floor, too embarrassed to meet her eyes again. "I'm glad I was there, too," I say with my eyes still glued to the floor, then I finally look up to make eye contact with her again. "I'm really sorry I screamed at you before the accident, I'm not sure if you remember?"
"Oh, I remember." She
smiles, "You were right."
"Wait, you screamed at her?" Ryan
asks, confused.
"Well, it was
before
the accident," I reply, making sure that is clear.
"Yeah, something like this was all my fault," Gretchen
explains.
She
does remember.
"It was after you yelled at me, Ryan. I was so mad and upset and scared
because you were walking toward your car."
He
smiles. "Wow, Ash Bug," he says as if he is impressed.
"Well, you were so angry with me. I had this feeling something bad was going to happen." I stop
as I realize what I’ve just said; I really do need to start thinking before I speak. "And I guess I was right." I look back down at the floor.
"Well, you more than made up for it. My parents said if you and Todd
hadn’t been there to get us help so quickly, the story might be a lot different," she says, looking down as she picks lint off her white hospital blanket.
"It was all Todd. He was amazing."
"You were pretty amazing, too, from what I remember."
"Thanks," I
say, looking down again, embarrassed to take the compliment especially in front of Ryan.
"Speaking of Todd, where is he? I heard he's here, too? Is he still mad at me?" Gretchen
asks.
"No," Ryan
replies, squeezing her hand. "He was here all night. I think he wanted to give Rebecca some space."