Authors: Adrienne Torrisi
"Oh yeah, Rebecca did seem upset," Gretchen
admits, she raises her eyebrows; she can tell Ryan knows more.
"Well, I think her and Todd had a ‘talk’
." Ryan air quotes with his fingers. "The accident had a similar effect on a few other people and true feelings came out." Ryan smiles at me.
Gretchen
looks at Ryan and then looks at me, she is trying to figure out what he means.
"Don't worry about it," Ryan
reassures her as he rubs her leg. "You just need to focus on getting better."
"We're
baaackkk" we suddenly hear Mr. and Mrs. Parker, Gretchen's parents from her doorway.
We all respond in what
sounds like a chorus of “Hello’s.” They couldn't have interrupted at a better time!
***
It's amazing how quickly visiting hours
fly by. RTS left shortly after her first visit with Gretchen. She told her she'd be back, but I'd be surprised if she meant today. I'm sure the last thing she wants is to hang out with Todd and Ryan.
With all of us still here, Brian
has a revolving door of visitors, although Ryan spends most of his time on the second floor with Gretchen. Finally, Dr. Greene comes out to the ICU waiting area and says he feels Brian's vitals are good enough to pull him out of sedation. His parents are allowed in his room and Todd, Sid, Ryan and I all wait in the hallway. We aren't supposed to be there, but we can't stand not being close enough to hear what is happening; Dr. Greene is nice enough to pretend not to see us all standing there.
I just
want to hear Brian’s voice, I want him to remember us. I never thought I'd say this, but I want him to be the exact same Brian he was before; faults and all. My stomach is twisting with nerves. I look down and Todd is holding my hand; I didn’t even feel him grab it. I look up at him and smile a nervous smile; he smiles the same smile back. This is the moment of truth. Up until now, it has all been based on what the doctors think, but as they keep saying, there are no guarantees with a head injury.
We hear Dr. Greene explaining what they
are doing to his parents. He is talking loudly, partly to talk over the machines and partly so we can hear out in the hallway. He says reducing sedation should be quick. We hear the beeping and whir of all the machines—it's frightening how quickly you get used to these sounds—then we hear Brian's mom’s voice. "Brian?! Can you hear me? You need to wake up now, it's okay."
Silence.
We are all unsure of what to think.
More silence.
"He opened his eyes!" his dad says, then he runs out into the hall and shouts the update to us, "He's awake!"
We all
start quietly cheering. Then we hear loud beeping and Dr. Greene, "Brian, it's a breathing tube, you need to let it breathe for you. Look at me, Brian. You need to calm down, don't try to breathe, let it do the work for you. Calm down."
We glance at each other with fear. We
know this rapid beeping isn’t good.
"Come on, Brian," I hear Todd say under his breath.
"Brian, can you hear me?" Dr. Greene asks. The beeping starts to slow. "Good, that's it. I know it feels strange, but just let the ventilator help you breathe."
It
is so nice to hear his heart slow to a steady rhythm. We all look at one another with relief.
"He's trying to say something," we hear his dad say.
"Brian, you can't talk. Here; write it down," Dr. Greene says.
I quickly
look at Todd, I know he is nervous because I can feel the sweat on his palm, but on the outside, he is so steady and strong, just as he's been the entire time. We all instinctively edge our way closer to Brian's doorway as Dr. Greene hands him a small dry erase board. He is writing something slowly, and as he writes, his dad reads it out loud.
"What happened?"
Brian’s dad translates.
"Oh, Brian!" his mom
says and, by the sound of her voice, I know she is tearing up with relief.
Dr. Greene
jumps right in, "Brian there was an accident, do you remember anything?"
We hear the squeak of the marker again.
“No,” his dad says out loud.
“Do you remember these people?” Dr. Greene
asks. It seems like an odd question since they are his parents, but there’s a chance he might not remember any of us. We hear the squeak of the marker again.
“Yes,” We hear Brian’s dad say, it
is the most excitement we’ve heard in his voice since the football game. He comes running back out to the hall and shouts to us, “He said, yes!” and then he quickly goes back into Brian’s room.
“Did it happen at the game?” Brian
writes on the board.
“No, Brian, it was a car accident after the game. You lost control of your car and you hit a tree,” Dr. Greene
says in a matter of fact tone.
We hear the marker again. “Is my car okay?” Brian’s dad read
s and starts to laugh. It’s nice to see Brian still cares about ridiculous things.
“Don’t worry about your car,” his dad
responds.
“Anyone else?” we hear Brian’s dad read out slowly as Brian
writes.
We all
look at each other, afraid he might not be able to handle the answer to this question. “Yes, Gretchen was in the car with you,” his dad answers.
We hear the beeping start to speed up again, he
seems to be trying to sit up, and Todd squeezes my hand a little tighter.
“Brian, she is okay. You need to stay calm,” Dr. Greene
pleads with him.
The beeping
starts to slow again. “Where is she?” Brian writes.
“She is in the hospital, too, but she is going to be fine.
She’s on a different floor,” Dr. Greene answers without emotion.
“Ryan?” we hear his dad read and we all
look over at my brother.
I’m not
sure if he is asking about Ryan because he’s starting to remember what happened or if it’s because he assumed if Gretchen was with him Ryan must have been as well.
“No. No one else was in the car, but Ryan is here and so is Todd. They’ve been here all night. Ash and Sid are here, too.” Brian’s Mom
sounds like she’s been able to compose herself enough to speak without crying.
With that, none of us
waits for an invitation to enter his room, we just do. It’s what we’ve been waiting for all night. We all turn the corner and his heart rate starts to increase.
“Brian, you need to keep lying down and keep calm or your friends can’t stay.” Dr. Greene
raises his bed slightly so he can see us better.
“Brian, it’s so good to see you, man,” Todd
says for all of us.
“We’re so glad you
’re okay,” Sid and I say together.
“Brian, what are you trying to
do; top my hospital stay? You’ve always got to outdo me,” Ryan says sarcastically, and it’s hard to tell with the breathing tube, but I can swear Brian smiles.
Brian
starts writing something on the board again. “Did we win?”
Ryan and Todd
look at each other and then back to Brian, they both smile. “Of course,” Todd says.
Brian
raises his hand up to fist bump both of them, their usual greeting to each other. Then he starts to write on his board again. We all wait with bated breath as he turns to show us all. “When can I get out of here?”
We all
start to laugh with relief. It is completely unexpected and so Brian. We’ve been worried for so long, and Brian is exactly the same. I close my eyes and say a silent thank you to whoever it is up there that may have helped us.
“It’s a good question, Brian. Let’s take it one step at a time. You’re doing great, but we need to take things slow. The goal is to get you out of ICU and breathing on your own soon. Then we can talk about going home,” Dr. Greene
says. I can hear relief even in his voice. “Right now, I think you need your rest so I’m going to ask your friends to leave,” he says, looking right at all of us.
We hear the squeak of Brian’s marker again. He
turns his board to show us. “What happened to your faces?”
Todd and Ryan both laugh. “We’ll talk about that later,” Ryan
says with a smile as Dr. Greene ushers us out.
“That was unbelievable,” I
say as we all walk back to the waiting area. “He really seems okay. I mean, he’s the same Brian.” I’m so relieved; it feels like someone has removed a huge weight from my shoulders.
“Let’s just hear what Dr. Greene has to say. I don’t want to get too excited yet,” Ryan
says.
I bit
e my lip nervously, maybe he is right and we should be more cautious with our excitement. Todd comes up and puts his arms around me. “I think you’re right, Ash. It’s all good news.” I can tell he is giving Ryan a dirty glare from behind me and I’m happy he has my back, literally.
Dr. Greene
comes out shortly after with Brian’s parents. “That is a great step, right?” Brian’s mom asks.
“Yes. Brian couldn’t be doing better. We’re going to run a few more tests, but if the results are as I suspect, we’ll be able to remove the breathing tube and move him out of ICU tomorrow. So far, there is no additional swelling with the fracture. He seems to be healing nicely from the concussion and, other than the stitches from the surface wound, there is very little damage. He’s extremely lucky.”
I see Todd look up and close his eyes; I know he is thanking the same person I was earlier, whoever that may be.
Since the news
is good, our parents are finally forcing us to go home and get some real rest. The few hours of sleep we’ve been able to get sitting in the incredibly uncomfortable wooden chairs is starting to catch up with all of us now that the adrenaline is wearing off. Before we leave, Todd announces to the group that he has to go to the bathroom and he looks right at me with a smile. I know exactly what he means. I watch him walk away. “You know what, I think I need to go, too, before we leave.” I excuse myself and meet up with him around the corner.
“How are you?” he
asks, stroking my cheekbone with his warm hand.
I
look up at his crystal blue eyes. I can see myself in his black pupils. “I’m good. I think. How are you?”
He
smiles his crooked smile and takes a deep breath. “I’m good,” he says, nodding his head. “I think for the first time, I’m good.” His thumb rubs against my cheek. I can feel the coarse skin on his hand against my soft skin. His eyes are locked on mine as if he is looking deeper into them than anyone has before.
Then, he
leans in with his eyes still locked on mine and kisses me with his soft, gentle lips. My eyes instinctively close, I want to savor every moment of this kiss, but I can’t help peeking to make sure it is real. Todd’s eyes are closed as his hands move to my jaw and he cups his hands around my face; his large hands make my face feel small and delicate. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard I swear he can hear it.
We both pull away at the same time. “I’ll text you later. Get some rest,” he
says, kissing the top of my forehead.
“You, too.” I
look up at him. “Hey, I think they’re going to be okay.” And for the first time, I really mean it.
“I think you’re right.” His eyes
are still locked on mine.
“We better get back, they’re going to come looking for us soon.” I
cannot pull my eyes away from his gaze.
“You’re right,” he
agrees, but neither of us moves.
“I figured.” We hear Ryan’s voice. “Let’s go, Ash. Mom and dad were starting to get worried you fell in the toilet.” Man, my brother never
wastes an opportunity to embarrass me!
“You guys go first, I’ll be right behind you,” Todd
says, unfazed. He is still trying to keep up the charade I‘ve begged him to. He squeezes my hand and grins. I take a mental picture because this look, his smile that is meant just for me, will be on constant repeat in my brain.
Chapter 15: Next Steps
When I finally
get home, my pillow has never felt so soft and my bed has never felt so comfortable. I am too tired to even shower. I feel like, if I don’t sleep, I’m not going to be able to survive another minute. I try to stay awake so I can replay every Todd moment over and over, but it’s as if someone is playing tug of war with my eyelids. I desperately need to close my eyes and enjoy the deep...
black...
silence.
I quickly
sit up in bed and immediately look at my alarm clock. It says three o’clock
.
It is dark in my room so I think it is the middle of the night, but then I hear bustling noises downstairs and my phone buzzes a few times, letting me know there is an unread text. Is it possible it is three o’clock in the afternoon? Could I have slept until three pm on Sunday?
I reach for
the phone, knocking over half the things on my nightstand and my phone confirms it is indeed three PM.
Awake yet? Miss you.
It’s a text from Todd. A surge of joy washes through me and I hug the phone into my chest. It is real! It wasn’t a dream, it really happened. All of it.
Hey You
I text back.
Wow Finally!
Can u talk?
he quickly texts back.
I figure instead of answering,
I'll just call him. It's been too long since I’ve heard his voice.
"Hi!" There
is definite excitement to hear from me, which accelerates my heart rate.
"Hi. Did you call the hospital?"
"Ash, I guess you haven't seen Ryan yet?"
"No, why? Did something bad happen?"
Todd laughs, which immediately puts my stress at ease. "No, it's just that we've both already been to the hospital."
"Really? What time did you wake up?"
"Not three pm." I can tell he is trying to suppress his laugh.
"Funny. Well, how is Brian?"
"He's great. They took his breathing tube out this morning and he's on the same floor as Gretch now."
"Did they see each other yet? Does he remember?"
"Bits and pieces and no. They're not letting him get out of bed yet."
"Did you guys tell him anything?"
"Well, he kept pushing us on what happened to our faces so we told him about the fight."
"You did? What did he say?"
"He started to remember. We didn't tell him everything yet. We figured we’d take baby steps. He did ask about Blythe."
"No way.”
"Yeah, he asked if she came to the hospital. Ryan said she wanted to, but she thought it was best not to come yet."
"So what does he remember?"
"He remembers fighting with Ryan."
"How about you?"
"He didn't, but I reminded him when he gave me a hard time about my eye. I told him not all of his injuries came from his accident. He just laughed, typical Brian."
"Does he remember anything with Gretchen?"
“No, but he started to remember things as we told him about the fight. A lot of it came back to him."
"Did he feel bad?"
"Well, bad for Brian. He was humble, which might be a first."
I
can't help but laugh.
"He did feel really bad it all came to this and
that Gretchen got hurt. I think he really cares about her, but it was clear this was more about Ryan than Gretchen. I think he felt bad about that."
"Wow, maybe the accident knocked some sense into him."
Todd laughs. “Listen, Ash, I know you don't want people to know about us, but I really don't want to wait. What's the point?"
"Trust me. Rebecca hasn't even seen you since you broke up with her, do you really want to be holding my hand the first time you see her?"
"That's not exactly true." He lowers his voice as if he is being forced to admit something. "I saw Rebecca at the hospital this morning."
"How'd that go?" I
ask with a trace of sarcasm.
"Awkward."
"Okay, well, that proves my point. Just give it a week. I know how it feels to see someone you really like with someone else and it's not a great feeling." As soon as it comes out I realize what I’ve said and immediately wish I could take it back since I’m sure he knows who my ‘someone’ is.
After a long pause of silence—
during which I am sure he is second guessing why he even wants people to know we are together—he finally speaks, "Okay, I get it. We'll wait. One week."
"Thank you." Joy burst
s inside of me and I know he can hear my smile through the phone.
***
Being back at school on Monday
feels really different. Living through this weekend is like years have passed. I can't walk through the hall without hearing someone talking about Brian and Gretchen's accident. People are speculating on why Gretchen and Brian were alone in the car, but no one seems to think it is because there is trouble with Ryan and Gretch. A few people know about the fight in the locker room after the game, but the accident so far overshadows it that no one is talking about the fight. Both Ryan and Todd’s bruises are healing and barely noticeable. Very few people know the truth and it seems it is going to stay that way.
Todd
holds up his side of our deal. It is harder than I thought it would be to see him in the hallway and not run up and kiss him, though. I want to spend every possible moment with him and I now understand why Sid is always with Simon. I forgive her a little more for practically abandoning me the last few weeks. At least I have Shane.
"I can't believe you aren't flaunting it in her face like she did to you," Shane
says as he puts his last few books in his locker and slams the door.
I
give him a look. "I'm the bigger person, I guess?"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far." His
grin is full of sarcasm.
"I'm just glad I made it through the day without breaking the deal since I forced him into this in the first place."
"Yeah, only four more days to go." Shane raises his eyebrows.
I roll my eyes
because thinking of that is unbearable.
"And it's about to get a lot more challenging." Shane
flashes a devious smile as he gestures down the hall toward Todd's locker.
There he
is, surrounded by his friends, in the middle of a conversation with another player on the team, and Shane is right, just seeing him makes it ten times more difficult. Even the way he puts his books in his locker is sexy. His movements are completely effortless, so graceful, which might sound strange for a boy, but they really are. Everything comes so naturally to him. As he laughs, his hair moves back and forth and perfectly frames his face. He glances down the hallway, probably because he feels my eyes boring into the back of his head, and he smiles at me in a way that says everything I’m feeling; longing, desire, disagreement with the plan. Maybe he is right, maybe this is stupid. After all, RTS is avoiding him and, since Gretchen isn’t in school, there is no reason for her to hang out with Todd and Ryan.
"Um, hello. There is a human standing right next to you," Shane
interrupts my thoughts.
My gaze
is still on Todd. "You know, the Brian, Gretchen story is so huge, no one seemed to notice Todd and RTS broke up." I try to justify my thoughts of breaking the deal.
"That's probably because most people didn't know they were together in the first place." Shane
laughs.
"Doubtful." I
know that isn’t true, but it would make things easier.
"It's not like PDA is one of Todd's favorite pastimes," Shane
says matter of factly.
"Hey, look who he's talking to." I squint my eyes to make sure
I’m right, and sure enough, it’s Johnny, Shane's new interest. Shane has a smile full of guilt.
"Spill it Shane."
"There's nothing to spill." He shrugs innocently.
"I can tell that's not true."
I’m not going to let him get away without giving me details.
Shane
gazes down at the floor and speaks so softly I have to strain to hear him. "I think he's cute."
"And…"
He looks back up at me with his lips squeezed together like he can't allow himself to say any more.
"Come on, you didn't let me get away with any secrets."
"That's not exactly true, is it?" Shane crosses his arms in front of his chest, gaining confidence. He understands why I didn't tell him about Brian and Gretchen, but he obviously has no problem using it whenever it is convenient.
"Okay, but that was different. It wasn't my secret."
I can tell I have him there, he can't argue with that. “Plus, you owe me. I still can’t believe you told Todd I liked him.”
“I owe you? I’m sorry, let’s think about this for
one second. I’m pretty sure
you
owe
me
.” Shane glances back down the hall toward Todd and smiles. “He would have never known if it wasn’t for me. Actually, I’m still waiting for my thank you.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Okay, enough stalling; spill it,
Shane.”
He
gives me a look that says he knows he isn’t going to get away without giving me something then he takes a deep breath. "Well, let's just say I know he doesn't like girls."
"Yeah, I knew that already. Give me something new. Like
how
do you know he doesn't like girls?"
After a few minutes of watching Shane debate internally he finally
speaks. "Okay," he says as if I’m forcing him to speak against his will. "How do you know Todd likes girls?"
"What?"
I'm so confused. What kind of confessional is this?
I want details not riddles. I’m starting to get irritated.
"How do you
know
Todd likes girls?" he repeats it again, emphasizing the word "know".
“
Oooooh!
Shane Michael Thomas, you kissed him?" I exclaim in a whisper as I punch him in the arm. His face immediately turns bright red and I know I am right. I’ve never seen Shane really blush before. "I cannot believe you kissed him and you didn't tell me," I continue to whisper loudly, trying hard to make sure no one else hears this conversation, but not letting any details slip away.
"Well, a lot happened that night and it's not like I was getting a Todd play by play." Shane
folds his arms across his chest again.
"Okay, you have a point, it was a crazy night. I'll give you one pass, but don't you ever keep something that big from me again!" I reach to give him one more good playful
punch in the arm.
"Same for you!" He
laughs as he tries to avoid a direct hit. He makes it clear he isn’t going to forget how much happened before he found out about Todd, but in my defense, everything that night was a whirlwind and none of us were in the best state of mind.
"How was it? I want details.”
"It was incredible. It solidified everything I already knew about myself.” He
smiles. It is so great to see Shane with such a genuine smile on his face. “I do have more news," he says, looking guilty.
My eyes
get huge. "What else did you do?"
Shane
pushes my arm. "Not that! Geez, Ashley!” He lowers his voice, “Johnny is going to fill in for Brian in the big game."
"Wow. Really? That's huge! He's only a sophomore."
"I know."
"Wait, they know Brian can't play for sure?"
"Well, the doctors told his parents there's no way since it's so soon, but he doesn't know yet. In fact, no one does except the coaches, so don't say anything. I think the coaches want the team to see Johnny play first before they break the news. They think the team will take it better if they see how good he is."
"And Johnny told
you
?" I smile, knowing that if he trusts Shane with that information he must feel the same way about him.
Shane look
s back down at the floor and drags his foot along the stained carpet. A guilty smile spreads across his face. He doesn’t need to say anything, his grin says it all. I feel a flutter of joy. I just want Shane to be happy. He’s been depressed for so long since Roger's accident and his parents’ divorce.
I glance back down the hallway at Todd
, who is still talking to Johnny, but I notice his eyes wandering in my direction. When our eyes meet, I feel my heart rate increase and the blood rush to my cheeks.
Wow, I'm bad at playing it cool.
He smiles at me and I squeeze my hands into fists tightly, I feel my fingernails pressing into my palms. I have to do everything in my power not to run down there, push Johnny to the ground, and jump in Todd's arms.