“You need a date,” my dad tells me annoyed. “And a good looking one.” He then leaves my room, slamming the door behind him.
A few hours later I’m lying in my bed trying to sleep, but all I can think about is the night’s events. Everything that Missy and my dad said and everything that happened with Nathan. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop replaying it over and over again in my mind.
I glance at the clock. Twelve thirty in the morning. Without thinking I grab my robe off of my chair and slowly put it on.
As I creep down the hall toward Nathan’s room I’m beyond scared that somehow, just this once, I’m going to wake my dad up. But I make myself keep going anyway.
I peek my head in his room before I enter, almost like I’m scared someone besides Nathan will be in there waiting to jump out at me. I glance at his bed, and to my surprise his eyes are open. It’s almost as if he knew I was coming.
I slowly step inside, closing the door behind me. And as I get closer to his bed I realize he’s not wearing a shirt. I feel my voice catch in my throat a little bit. Somehow I manage to find it enough to speak.
“I’ll be okay with you and other girls. I will.”
Nathan doesn’t say anything. Instead, he pulls his blanket back and I silently climb into his bed with him.
Chapter Five
“Shell,” Nathan says pulling back to look at me, “you need to relax. It’s like I’m kissing a mannequin. You’re so still.”
“I can’t help it!” I tell him. “I don’t know how to relax.”
“Okay,” he says calmly, “just relax your lips. You’re way too stiff. We need to fall into a rhythm with each other and we can’t do that if you don’t move your lips. A good kiss takes two people, not one.”
“Okay,” I say, “don’t be so stiff. Got it.”
It’s the day after I climbed into Nathan’s bed. We just got home from school and have about a half an hour before Nathan has to leave for practice. We’re trying to make the most of our time.
Last night was kind of awkward. After about thirty minutes of my trying to get comfortable enough kissing him and failing, I ended up back in my room, where I got about three hours of sleep. I clearly had no idea what I was doing. And it was also kind of hard for Nathan to coach me (or whatever you want to call it) when we have to be as quiet as possible because of our parents.
But now we’re sitting on the couch in the family room and we’re alone. So it’s much easier to talk freely. My dad’s working as usual and Nathan’s mom went out for
‘happy hour’ with a few of her friends from their old town.
“Okay,” Nathan says grinning, “let’s try it again.”
He leans into me and places his lips gently on mine. And this time when he does I’m able to relax and follow his lead, allowing him to train me in how he wants my mouth to move.
He slowly sticks his tongue inside my mouth, gently tracing small circles and exploring every part. I follow suit, slowly sticking my tongue inside of his mouth, enjoying every part of him.
After a few minutes he pushes my body down on the couch and he’s on top of me, pushing in between my legs. Our kiss gets more intense and his tongue is going crazy now, faster than before. I don’t stop him. Instead, I keep up with his challenge as if my life depends on it.
I must be doing something right because his breathing gets heavier and I hear a little moan escape from his lips. I wrap my arms tighter around his neck and try to pull his body even closer to mine than it already is. I want him to know how good this feels to me but I don’t know how.
Then, as if he’s reading my mind, he suddenly pulls back. I keep my arms around his neck as he stares down at me for a minute. His face is about two inches away from mine. He waits until his breathing slows and returns to normal before getting off of me and sitting on the other side of the couch.
“You’re holding back,” he tells me.
“You call that holding back?” I ask him honestly.
He shakes his head. “Not the kissing. The kissing is getting right where it needs to be, trust me. It’s your body language.”
“My body language?” I ask confused.
He nods. “When a guy’s hooking up with you and they make you feel good they like to know it. Just like you like to know when you’re doing something right. You can’t be scared to moan or act like you’re into something. If it feels good, you can’t hold anything back, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
He shoots me a small smile. “We’ll work on it, don’t worry. You’re doing great though.” He gets up from the couch.
“Time for practice?”
He nods. “Duty calls.”
“Nathan?” I call out before he can reach the door.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. You know…for doing all of this.”
He shoots me a small smile. “No problem. Just remember what you said, okay Shell? About not getting upset about other girls?”
“I know. I meant it. Trust me.”
And as he shuts the door behind him I almost believe it.
***
So here’s the thing. I should probably stop kissing Nathan. At least that’s what I keep telling myself over and over again. This is wrong and will probably turn bad really fast if I’m not careful. But the other thing is this. I don’t want to stop kissing him. In fact I have absolutely no desire to stop. What you should do and what you actually want to do are often two very different things.
But it’s not forever. And this is how I justify it. It’s for a very short period of time. Until I’m confident enough to go after Matt and know that I’ll be able to keep him.
And at the end of that time I’ll have Matt or some other boyfriend. And I won’t even be thinking about Nathan, right? Right!
The next few days fall into an easy pattern. I only have two weeks until this huge party my dad wants me to go to and I know I really want to bring Matt. So I don’t have time to waste fooling around. I decide I’m going to throw myself completely into my task with Nathan.
We have certain rules that we follow. For example, I can’t get upset about him hooking up with other girls, which I’m totally okay with except for the fact that he hasn’t been hooking up with any other girls since I’ve been kissing him. But if he was, I would totally be fine with it. It wouldn’t faze me in the least.
Another thing is that when I come into his room at night, or he comes into mine, we agree to leave as soon as we’re done making out. We never like cuddle or anything.
Or sleep in one another’s bed. That’s because that’s not what whatever we’re doing is about. That type of thing is for a relationship, not a business arrangement. So right after we’re done kissing, it’s right back to our own rooms.
And the best part? Nathan isn’t pressuring me at all. He’s letting me go completely and totally at my own pace. He only wants me to do what I’m ready for. For example, all we’ve done so far is kiss. And Nathan has made it clear that this is fine with him until I feel like I’m ready to try something else.
I’m not going to have sex with him. I’ve already decided that. I’m just going to learn enough so that when I do find someone like Matt, or another boy I really like, I’m confident enough to go after them and know that they won’t go anywhere. Which only makes me want to kiss Nathan even more.
Another thing about our arrangement is that we don’t plan when we’re going to meet up and make out. So, a few nights after all of this started I’m lying in my bed trying to fall asleep when Nathan comes into my room. This is the first time Nathan has come into my room without me texting him and asking him to. And to be honest, I’m a little surprised that he did. But I don’t show it.
He’s wearing a pair of shorts and a white wife-beater tank top. He takes a look around my room and laughs. “Still can’t believe there’s so much pink in here.”
I roll my eyes. “Can you just shut up and get in my bed.”
He laughs. “Wow, someone’s getting a little bossy huh?”
I roll my eyes and watch as he closes the door behind him and locks it. He walks gracefully over to my bed and climbs in.
“Sorry I missed dinner again,” he whispers. “Was it awful tonight?”
“It’s always awful when you’re not there. At least you keep my dad occupied.
Without you there he picks me apart.”
He frowns. “I’m sorry. Want to talk about it?”
“Nope,” I say inching my face closer to his.
He rolls his eyes and shoots me a grin. “Come here,” he says pulling me toward him.
I slip my tongue inside his mouth a little, teasing him. He pulls me closer to him, devouring my mouth in his. I moan and bring my body on top of his, kissing him back now just as hard.
He takes his hand and runs it through my hair. I pull back for just a second, long enough to let him catch his breath. He then pulls me back toward him and aggressively flips me over.
I’m on my back now and I pull his body down on top of me so that his chest is practically crushing my breasts. He slows down a little, pulling his body away from mine slightly and kissing me slower. I keep trying to move my tongue into his mouth but he continues to push it out, not allowing me to enter. It takes me a minute to realize he’s teasing me.
I pull back. “Stop teasing me.”
He grins and then crushes his lips onto mine again. This time he lets my tongue in and I feel his hands start to creep up under my tank top. I moan into his mouth to let him know it’s okay as his hands enter inside of my bra. He begins rubbing my nipples back and forth. It all feels so amazing. And when he starts to pull away a few minutes later I find myself pulling him back toward me.
“Don’t stop,” I moan into him. And for a few more minutes he doesn’t. But then all too soon he’s pulling away again.
“What are you doing?” I ask frustrated.
“I should go to bed. I have to be up early.”
Is he kidding? The only place I want him to go is up my shirt again.
“Stay a while longer,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. I don’t get it. He’s never one to stop first. And he’s definitely not one to stop after ten minutes. That’s when I notice how heavy his breathing still is and how hard he’s trying to steady it. He doesn’t want to leave. He just doesn’t trust himself to keep kissing me tonight.
“Oh, I get it,” I say sitting up and pressing my chest up against his back. “I’m turning you on, right?”
He doesn’t say anything and I start to rub my hands up and down his shoulders. I start to kiss his neck slowly, using my tongue in certain places. He lets me do this for a minute and then releases a little sigh, “Victoria, you need to stop.”
Him calling me by my real name, not Shell, snaps me out of it. I lean back against my pillow and let him gain control of himself, allowing myself to do the same.
After a few minutes he gets up from my bed. “Try to get some sleep, okay?” I nod as he shoots me a small smile.
Then he’s gone and all I can see is the darkness.
***
“I think I’m in love,” Angelina declares throwing her body down in the chair next to me.
“Oh gosh,” I tell her smiling, “You guys don’t waste any time.”
She sighs and opens her lunch bag. Today she has baked ziti with garlic knots.
Their family is so Italian it’s ridiculous. She pops open her ziti and takes a big bite.
“He’s beyond nice to me,” she tells me still chewing. “I didn’t even know he liked me, but he does! He has for over two months!” She says it like it’s the most exciting thing in the world. I just shake my head.
The truth is, I am really happy for her. She’s my best friend and she deserves to be happy. Just because I’m kind of alone doesn’t mean I have to be bitter toward her about it. Besides, I’ll have someone soon enough. I wonder if Matt Russo has any idea what he’s in for?
“I’m really so happy for you,” I tell her.
She bites her lip. “I invited him to eat lunch with us today. I hope that’s okay.”
I pretend to think about it really hard. “Oh, I guess it’s okay.”
She throws a piece of pasta at me and I jump back.
“So are you going to actually eat something today or what?” Angelina says nodding to the empty space in front of me.
Dustin sits down next to her, which saves me from the third degree about my poor eating habits. It’s one I’ve heard over and over again and it’s growing old. My own father doesn’t worry about my eating habits this much, my best friend definitely shouldn’t have to. Not that my dad worries about anything I do, but still.
Angelina’s face lights up at the sight of Dustin. “Hey!”
Wow, way to play it cool there Angelina. If Dustin notices her excitement it doesn’t faze him since he’s clearly just as happy to see her as she is to see him.
“I brought you an extra garlic knot since you liked them so much the other night,”
she says grinning.
His face lights up and I feel like I might gag. She holds the garlic knot out and stares at him adoringly. But then her eyes travel just a fraction to the left and she frowns.
“I need to talk to Melissa Donavon about something for newspaper. I’ll only be a minute.
Promise me you’ll still be here when I get back?”
Dustin grins. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Angelina pats his leg and gets up as Dustin turns his attention to me.
“So,” he says sliding his body over a chair next to me, “how’s the article on the boys tennis team coming?”
Dustin is actually pretty cute. Not cute in an “I want to kiss you” type of way, but rather in an “oh, look at the little baby boy” type of way. He has sandy blonde hair and nice light green eyes. He’s not super popular, but he’s definitely not like a loser either.
In fact, when I first found out he was in newspaper I was a little surprised. He isn’t the nerdy into comic book type at all, which most of the guys who sign up for newspaper are. But I guess that’s why you can’t make assumptions about people.
Dustin’s also this like amazing tennis player. And so anytime an article comes up related to the team or to tennis he gets super interested.
I shrug. “Well, it would be good except for Devon Harris.”
Devon Harris is the senior captain of the tennis team and he’s super demanding and annoying. Every time I try to talk to him about my article he says, “I don’t talk to press during tournament season.”