Against the Odds: A Love Story (10 page)

“So, why didn't you tell me this morning?” Even as he asked, I saw something in his face that wasn't there before. I saw a storm brewing behind those beautiful gray eyes.

“I didn't say anything because I had already made up my mind. I don't want the job.”

He heaved a deep sigh and pushed a hand back through his long tousled hair. “Well, at least now I know what was wrong when you came out earlier.”

When he became silent again, I hurried on. “Hayden, listen to me. Really listen. My mind was made up as soon as she asked me. There was no question as to what I would say.” I touched his arm. My life is here, with you.” I took his large hand in mine. “You are the most important thing in the world to me.”

“That's a lot of money, Raine. You sure you can turn it down just like that? I mean, you must have at least considered it.”

I tucked a spiraled lock behind my ear, wishing I had brought something to tie my hair back. But then again, Hayden loved it when I wore my hair down.

“Truthfully, I was flattered. No, actually flattered is an understatement. I was seriously thrown for a loop to be made such an offer. But I was never tempted.”

Hayden tossed a pebble out across the water. “Still, you didn't tell me.” He looked at me. “I feel like you were purposely keeping it from me.”

“I wasn't keeping anything from you,” I said, not liking the way that sounded. I sighed painfully. “Hayden, please don't accuse me of something I'm not guilty of. I love you and I would never try to keep anything from you. It just wasn't important to me. If I had truly been considering it, believe me, you would've been the first to know.”

He drew his long, lean legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees. After a couple of moments filled with agonizing silence, he said, “I don't wanna hold you back, Raine. I don't wanna be the reason you give up that kind of money.”

My heart was suddenly hammering in my chest. I couldn't believe he was saying these things. Trying to keep my voice calm, I said, “You're not holding me back. Give me a little more credit, will you? If I had wanted the job, I would have taken it. But I didn't.” When his expression didn't change, I started to get a little angry. “When I really want to do something, Hayden, no one will keep me from doing it.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” he asked, anger entering his voice as well.

“It means that I love you and I don't want to leave, and no amount of money or position will make me leave. I don't need it, and I don't want it. I only want you.” I paused. “You're what I need.”

He said nothing, but I saw a flicker of softening in his eyes. Taking advantage of that moment, I moved closer and touched his face. “I love you, Hayden.” He remained silent and my frustration worked its way to the surface once more. “Please don't push me away. I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.”

He turned to me then, and I was startled by the hard look in his eyes. “No, you don't deserve this. You deserve better, a lot better than me.” He stood. “Call them back and take the job, Raine. We can call everything off.”

My heart instantly dropped. “What do you mean?” My voice cracked. “What are you saying?”

“I mean I'm not gonna stand in your way. You deserve a lot better than me and this kind of life. You can have better if you go back.”

I felt tears threatening, but I refused to let them come. I couldn't understand how things had come to this. How could two phone calls change our lives? Our plans? I stood up and moved to stand in front of him.

For a second, the conversation I had with Caroline earlier came back to me, but I quickly pushed it away. In my mind it couldn't be that simple. There had to be more to it and I was beginning to feel too angry to think rationally.

“This isn't about money, Hayden and you know it. I don't need money. This is about you pushing me away. I don't know why, but you are. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me more than anything. Have you changed your mind? Are you having second thoughts? Are you suddenly scared to make the commitment? I mean, it's like . . . like this is your way of getting out of marrying me, of getting rid of me.”

He said nothing but continued to look out over the lake, the furrow in his handsome brow deepening. At another time, I would long to lift my fingers and smooth it away.

Taken aback by his continued silence, another thought suddenly came to me. A thought that was so painful, yet to me, seemed so likely, I suddenly felt cold. I again pushed the intruding conversation with Caroline aside, coming to my own conclusions. That 'getting some attitude' emotion I had managed to rein in through the years was ready to cut loose. I felt the straps breaking. My eyes narrowed slightly as I looked up at him. Then I snorted, which I could tell definitely took him off guard.

“So, I guess you've dabbled in a little brown sugar and decided you'd rather go back to white. The new flavor has lost its excitement. Is that it?”

He winced as if he'd been slapped. “That's not how it is with me, Raine. You know that.”

“I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you better than anyone, but I guess I was wrong.” I paused, trying to keep a strong hold on my emotions, but I was quickly losing the battle. Even still, I was determined to keep my pride in tact. I pressed my palm against my forehead and shook my head. “I can't believe this,” I muttered under my breath. “You know, in some ways you're no different than Jerome.”

His piercing gaze snapped to mine and I saw anger flashing in his eyes. “Woman, don't you dare compare me to him! I would never cheat on you or treat you the way he did!”

“No, you wouldn't cheat on me, but you sure know how to make me feel the same way he did! Oh, I'm fine to make out and get your kicks with, maybe even eventually sleep with, but not good enough to commit to.”

“That's not true, Raine.” His voice broke slightly. “I could never use you that way. I  just think this is for the best.”

“What's for the best exactly? Telling me you don't want me before you end up stuck with me? Is that what you mean?” I took a deep breath and pressed my lips together tightly. I suddenly felt tired, and I needed to be away from him. I silently emptied the cups and put them back in the basket. Then I picked up the blanket and folded it. “Take me back, please.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. “I never meant to hurt you, Raine.”

Yeah, whatever.
“I'm done talking. Just take me back.”

If pain could be buried in a hole in the ground, the earth would be dead.

Fourteen

T
he ride back to the ranch was completely silent. When we reached Caroline's, I said nothing as I got out. There was nothing left to say. But as I watched Hayden take off up the driveway toward his house, I felt him literally yank my heart away and take it with him. And I knew I would never get it back.

I was numb as I entered the house. Caroline met me in the hallway. She took one look at my face and knew something had happened. Saying nothing, she took my hand and guided me to the living room. It wasn't until we sat on the couch and she put her arms around me that I began to fall apart. Once the tears started, I couldn't seem to stop them.

Caroline held me and rocked me while I cried. I couldn't believe this was happening. Hayden had completely pushed me away. For some reason he didn't want me anymore, and now I just wanted to die. I had never experienced anything so excruciatingly painful in my life. I loved him so much and I didn't know how I would be able to live without him. Even though I had been married before, Hayden truly was, without a doubt, my first love, and he would be my only one. There was no one else in the world for me but him.

When I could finally stop crying enough to speak, the only thing I was able to get out was, “Hayden doesn't want me anymore. He told me to go back to Atlanta.” Just saying it brought more tears.

“What happened?” Caroline asked, handing me a box of tissue from the end table.

It was still another full minute before I could speak again. Then I told her about the second phone call and how upset Hayden was because I hadn't told him. I told her everything that was said between us.

By the time I was done, I felt a little relief having gotten it all out, but the pain was still prominent and cut through me like a knife.

“Raine, I want you to listen to me,” Caroline said, taking my hand. “It's like I told you this morning. That man is scared, pure and simple. He's scared of losing you.”

I sniffed and wiped my eyes. “I know what you said, but how can I believe that? He just spent a half an hour telling me to go back to Atlanta and take the job. I tried and tried to tell him that I didn't care about the job, but he wouldn't listen.”

“That's because he's running scared. He's trying to make you leave now because he thinks he'll eventually lose you anyway.” She sighed. “I know Hayden, Raine. I've been around him long enough to know what makes him tick. And as sure as I'm sitting here I know he's feeling that you'll one day get tired of this life and want to go back. So if he makes you want to leave now, it will save him the heartache of dealing with it later. I know it doesn't make any sense to you, but it does to him, and right now he's so scared of losing you, he's not thinking rationally, even though he thinks he is. I thought he was all right after our talk last night, but apparently I was wrong.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. “Can't he see that I love him too much to ever leave him? Doesn't he have any faith in me at all?”

“Faith doesn't have anything to do with his decision, Raine. That man has always been alone. And while I know he has had an experience or two with other women, you're the first one to truly not just turn his head, but turn his heart, too. You own that man, Raine, heart and soul. This is the first time in his life he has ever been in love. It's the first time he has ever been committed to anyone.”

“You mean
was
committed.”

“I mean
is
, only he doesn't realize it yet. But he will.”

“So am I supposed to just wait for him until he finally realizes it?”

“If that's what it takes.”

“I don't know if I can, Caroline. How can I stay here, be here where he is and not be with him? It would tear me apart to see him every day. It would be too uncertain.” I chuckled bitterly. “I guess Jerome was right.”

“Right about what?” Caroline huffed. “I can't imagine that man ever being right about anything.”

“He called me earlier to give me his unsolicited, yet coveted opinion on my decision not to go back to the agency.” I shook my head as tears again filled my eyes. “He said he would give us a year, or rather he would give
me
a year before I got tired and wanted out of this life. Ironically, it's Hayden throwing in the towel, not me.”

“Oh, Jerome can go suck on a cow pie!” she spat angrily.

I smiled. As always, Caroline's words concerning Jerome were choice. I heaved a deep sigh, not knowing which way to turn or what to do. “How do I do this, Caroline?”

She was quiet a moment before she spoke again. She looked into my eyes intently. “I know everything seems uncertain, but how much do you love him, Raine? How much are you willing to risk? Is he worth taking the chance?”

Her last question stopped me cold and caused me to think. I had already given up the chance to have something that had at one time been my dream. I had given it up for Hayden. I hadn't wanted that dream anymore. I had a new dream that completely obliterated the other and vanished it into nothingness. Could I give up on a life with him so easily? Give up on our hopes? Our dreams together? Could he?

I again sighed painfully. But how could I stay? It would be too painful to stay. “I don't know if I'm up to it, Caroline. I don't know if I'm strong enough.”

Absence makes the heart grow stronger.

Fifteen

I
didn't see Hayden again that day, nor did I see him the next. He didn't come to David and Caroline's for meals and I hadn't caught a glimpse of his presence anywhere. I couldn't help wondering if it was for his benefit or mine that he'd made himself scarce. Probably both. In a way it was good because I needed the space. On the other hand, I missed him with a painful intensity that made my heart ache beyond measure.