Alien vs. Alien (9 page)

CHAPTER 14

I
SAT UP. “WHO’S THERE?”

Jeff walked in, a large parrot on his shoulder. The parrot was gray. It was also kissing him. Literally.

“Meet Bellie,” Jeff said. “Jeff loves Bellie, and Bellie loves Jeff, doesn’t she?” he cooed at the bird, who did the parrot version of a coo right back before she leaned her beak back for another kiss.

I watched my husband snuggle this bird for a good few seconds before I could manage to come up with a question that wasn’t going to start a fight. “Um, is that . . . ours?”

“Yeah.” Jeff beamed as he brought the bird over to the bed. “You’d just left and we got a shipment. It was addressed to you, but since it had no return address, we figured we’d better open it at Home Base, just in case.”

“So you went to Area 51, and this popped out of the box?”

“Yeah.” He fished something out of his pocket. “This came with her.”

He handed me a note.

Miss Katt,

Have taken your advice. All traces removed. However, the bird is innocent and will likely be destroyed. Sending her to you, therefore, since you appear to be an animal lover. With my best regards for your continued good health,

Your Uncle

I stared at it, then stared at Jeff and the bird again. “So, my ‘uncle,’ the notorious assassin, Peter the Dingo Dog, removed all traces of his being hired by Titan Security, that I understand. But, in an act of animal kindness, the scariest hit man in the business sent Antony Marling’s African Gray Parrot to us? And you’re okay with that?”

Jeff was clearly okay with it. To the point where I was worried he was going to kiss the bird with tongue.

He nodded. “Your mother and Reynolds didn’t object. They examined the note and got everything they could from it. Bellie’s been checked, and she’s healthy, and there are no hidden things on her anywhere.”

“Oh, good. So, why did you keep her?”

Jeff looked aghast. “She was going to be sent to Animal Control if we didn’t keep her!”

“There are plenty of exotic bird rescue groups out there.”

“I couldn’t send Bellie to one of those. She’s a very sensitive creature. And she’s very affectionate.” He had the same expression that I was used to seeing toward Jamie—possessive and protective.

He and the bird had another little nuzzle-fest while I controlled my nausea and my annoyance. It was time to be diplomatic again.

“I can see that.” Fine. We had a bird. And not just any bird. We had our last Major Megalomaniac’s Beloved Birdie. And my husband had attached to her just as her former ownerr f>

I shoved a smile onto my face. “Okay, no worries.” I put my hand out. “Can I pet Bellie’s pretty feathers?”

The bird looked at me, and I recognized the expression. It said clearly that Jeff was
hers
, and I wasn’t included in their Special Love.

Because I had fast reflexes, I was able to pull my hand back right before her beak closed on my fingers. Instead, she bit air, and she bit it viciously. I didn’t need to consult an ornithologist—this bird didn’t like me.

“Wow, guess I’m not allowed to pet the bird.”

Jeff looked shocked. “You must have frightened her. She’s not like that with anyone normally.”

I let the many sarcastic comments I wanted to say pass as I thought about it. “Who does she like?”

The bird looked at me again. “Bellie loves Jeff,” she shared.

“Yeah, Bellie, I got that one. Jeff, who else does Bellie love or at least like?”

“Well,” he said, while petting the bird, “she likes Christopher, Pierre, Tito, even Reynolds, Irving, Kevin, pretty much everyone.”

“Uh-huh. Does she like Doreen?” Doreen and Irving Weisman were part of our Diplomatic Mission. Doreen’s parents had been the head Diplomats for American Centaurion before I’d had the Poofs eat them. Fortunately, Doreen was both nothing like her parents and not holding any kind of grudge for their deaths.

“Doreen hasn’t really tried to do much with her. She has a new baby, after all.”

True enough. She’d given birth right at the end of Operation Assassination, a couple days after Lorraine and Claudia had. “What about Nurse Carter?” She was our Staff Nurse because after going through all we had with her during said Operation, it seemed logical for her to stick around.

“Magdalena says she doesn’t like birds much.”

“Uh-huh. Did she say that before or after Bellie tried to take her hand off?”

Jeff had the grace to look a little guilty. “After.”

“Right. So this bird loves men, and she clearly adores you, but she doesn’t like women, and she hates me already, because I’m your wife.”

“I’m sure it’s just because she doesn’t know you yet.”

“Right. Well, if she so much as puts a beak or claw in Jamie’s general direction, she’s dinner. Otherwise, don’t let me intrude upon your love that knows no bounds.” I had an awful thought. “Where is this bird sleeping?”

“Bellie sleeps with me.”

“Not any more she doesn’t.” Wow. I’d been gone a month, and if someone had asked who I’d guess my husband might have a torrid love affair with in my absence, a lunatic’s African Gray Parrot wouldn’t have even made my top thousand guesses. “And she sleeps in a cage, because I don’t want to be murdered in my sleep.”

“If you insist.”

“I emphatically insist.” I looked around the room. The dog beds weren’t against the wall. “Where have the dogs been sleeping?”

Jeff mumbled something.

“What? Didn’t catch that.”

“They don’t like Bellie. So I put them in the nursery. Along with the Poofs and cats. I move the Poof Condos out during the day,” he added quickly, as if that were going to make it alright.

I was honestly speechless. No advice, no comic, no movie, no TV show, had prepared me for this kind of rival for my husband’s affections.

Fortunately, the many things I wanted to say were forestalled by a voice on the intercom. “Chiefs, it’s Walter. You’re needed.”

CHAPTER 15

“N
EEDED WHERE, WALT?”

“Naomi asked me to let you know that you’re fine to rejoin them any time you want, Chief Katt-Martini.”

“Great, be there in a bit,” Jeff said.

“Ah, I think they’d like you there sooner than later, Chief.”

Animal greetings or no, I’d still hoped to at least fit in a quickie while the girls calmed Chuckie down. Of course, Jamie was wide awake, and the people waiting for us seemed impatient. On the other hand, it’d been a month and I’d been horny for Jeff from the first hour we were apart.

“Does Bellie want to go for a visit?” Jeff asked. The bird, not me. In a voice normally reserved for our daughter, only.

I looked at the bird. Bellie looked right back at me. Before this experience in surreal horror, I’d have said the only animals capable of looking smug were felines. I reversed that judgment. The bird looked smugger than I’d have thought possible.

“Bellie missed Jeff,” the bird shared as she rubbed her head up against his cheek.

“And Jeff missed Bellie,” he shared right back.

Well, that did it for me. There was no way I was going to be in an amorous mood while that bird was around. “Great, Walt. We’ll be right there.”

“I’ll let Naomi know, Chief Katt-Martini.”

“The bird stays here,” I said after the com went off.

“Why?” Jeff seemed completely unaware of my emotional state.

“Because Jamie’s coming with us, and I don’t want that bird around Jamie.”

“Her name is Bellie.”

“Her name is going to be Carcass if you don’t put her away in a really sturdy cage.”

d">Jeff looked hurt and disappointed, but didn’t argue. While I settled the Poofs, dogs, and cats down, and moved the dog beds back into our room, Jeff took care of Bellie. Apparently she didn’t go into her cage without a romantic interlude with my husband and several bird treats. It was official—I hated the bird.

Bird hatred gave me energy—I wasn’t nearly as tired as I had been, so that was one for the win column. I slung my purse back over my shoulder and looked inside. Happily, Harlie, Poofikins, and several other unnamed Poofs were snuggled up inside, snoozing.

Jamie needed neither feeding nor changing, the benefits of her having been with Lucinda while I was out being She-Hulk. I slung the diaper bag over my other shoulder, Jamie clutched her purring Poof, I picked her up and the two of us, at least, were ready to go. Jeff was still saying good-bye to Bellie. I wondered if I could ask Chuckie to have some shadowy C.I.A. killer off the bird for me, but figured he was too upset to broach the subject at this precise time.

No problem. There was always tomorrow.

I stalked out of the bedroom to find Jeff waiting for us. He took Jamie from me and cuddled her. “I’m sorry you’re jealous of Bellie.”

“Wives tend to be jealous of mistresses.”

He sighed. “I don’t love her more than you, or Jamie.”

“But you do love her as much.” And she was not only some bird who was stealing my husband’s affections, but she’d been the bird of a man who’d tried to kill me in many different and nasty ways not very long ago.

I tried to continue my stalk to the front door, but Jeff grabbed me and pulled me to him. “That’s not true. But I do feel about her like you do about the Poofs and the other pets. I know she belonged to one of our enemies. But she’s an innocent animal.”

“Animal maybe.” I wasn’t buying innocent. That bird had been around the block more than once.

“We can debate it later. But I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, baby. You and Jamie were just having your love time with the cats and the Poofs, and I wanted . . . I wanted you two to meet Bellie, so she could be a part of that, too.”

“Which might have worked better if Bellie wasn’t clearly a one-man bird, emphasis on ‘man.’ ”

“I’m sure she’ll adapt to you and Jamie being home.”

“I’m not.” I still wanted to be angry, and really, I was, but it felt nice having Jeff’s arm around me, while he held both of us. “But I’ll try to give the bird a chance.”

“Great!”

“I’m making no promises, Jeff. I’m not much of a girl for birds.”

“Maybe Bellie can change your mind about that.”

If that was her goal, Bellie was a total failure in creating a bird lover out of me. But I chose not to say that. Instead I contemplated my options. “Can Chuckie and the girls wait for us for a few more minutes?”

Jeff got a faraway look. “Yeah. They’re waiting but not impatient.”

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“Okay. I’m sure Jamie would like more undivided Daddy time before we go pay more attention to things other than her.” She was clinging to Jeff, so this wasn’t so much my being a great, intuitive mother as me stating the obvious. In part to show willing and in more part to give Jeff and Jamie some private time, I pulled away. “I’ll go see if Bellie and I get along better without you in the room.”

Jeff looked pleased. “Her cage is in the living room.”

Wonderful. I went to have a look-see. Cage was the wrong word. Her bird habitat was in my living room. In fact, there was far more bird habitat than living room now. Bellie had a better setup than if she’d been housed in the Washington Zoo. Better than any zoo I’d seen.

I walked over to the nearest part of her enclosure. She flew up to me and latched onto a nearby swing. She stared at me, I stared at her.

“He’s mine, you know,” I said finally.

“Jeff loves Bellie.”

“Too true. But he loves Kitty and Jamie more. And you’d better get that through your bird brain, before I brain you.”

She seemed unperturbed. Shocker. “Bellie loves Jeff.”

“Yes, I know.” I decided to try another tack, since intimidation was clearly not working. “What else does Bellie love?”

The bird seemed to contemplate this question. “Bellie loves treats.”

“No argument. Does Bellie love anything else?”

“Bellie wants treats.”

“You just got some. What does Bellie want besides treats?”

“Bellie misses Daddy.”

I assumed this was Antony Marling. “Daddy is not coming back.”

“Bellie knows the secret.”

“What secret?”

“Daddy’s secret.”

Interesting. “Will Bellie tell Kitty what Daddy’s secret is?”

The bird gave me a look that clearly said “talk to the tailfeathers.” This bird had derisive down to an art form. “No. Bellie loves Jeff.”

“Will Bellie tell Jeff Daddy’s secret?”

“No.”

“But if Bellie really loves Jeff, Bellie should tell Jeff what Bellie knows.”

The bird actually seemed to be considering this. I was wondering how it was that I was doing an avian interrogation. But that’s what was going on. African Grays were the smartest birds out there, and they had the best language skills. And Marling had adored this bird as much as my husband did now. Clearly, she was the Marilyn Monroe of the parrot world.

So it was conceivable that Marling had kept the bird with him when he was working, while attending meetings of the Association of Crazed Evil Geniuses, and perhaps more. I didn’t doubt that Bellie knew soBel Std">“Bmething. But whether it was information we already knew—his “children” had actually been amazingly good androids—or information we didn’t was the question of the moment.

Jeff joined us. “See? You two are getting along great.”

“Yeah, right. Um, Jeff, is it time to join Chuckie and the Gower girls?”

“Yeah, that’s why I came to get you. They’re starting to wonder where we are.”

“Great. You give me Jamie. I w
ant you to bring Bellie with us.”

“Really? She’ll enjoy that.”

I shook my head. “I don’t care if she loves it or hates the experience down to her giant talons. Bellie has intel, and I think you and maybe Chuckie are going to be the only ones who can get it out of her.”