Aligned (20 page)

CHAPTER

TWENTY-SIX

What on earth was I thinking? I should know better than to think I can offer anyone comfort or emotional support. I have no clue what to do in an emotional crisis. That’s why I have Rosaline, she always knows what to do. Right now Roz is gone and Andi looks as though she might faint away at any second. We reach the gate to the O.C. and Andi stops dead in her tracks. I awkwardly put my hand on her back and pat it a few times. Masters kneels in front of her.

“Andi, you don’t have to do this. From what Malik has told me she isn’t aware of what is going on around her anyway. We can get right back on the train and go home if you want.”

Andi shakes her head, yet doesn’t budge from her spot. I am something of an expert when it comes to panic attacks and can spot one a mile away. Andi is most definitely having a panic attack. Telling her to go home isn’t going to help. The only way to move past them is to distract your mind. I turn her body so that she’s facing me and lift her chin. “Count, Andi.”

Master rolls his eyes.

“Does counting really help, Wes?” Andi asks in a small voice with a look in her eye begging me to understand how she feels. I understand all too well. That crippling fear that is telling you not to proceed but knowing if you don’t, you will always wonder. No, she has to do this. No matter what Masters thinks, going home isn’t the answer.

“Take it a step at a time, Andi. You don’t have to worry about your mom or what you will say to her. All you need to worry about is getting through the gate. Can you do that? Count how many steps it will take to get from here to the gate. I think it will be forty-three. What do you think, Masters?”

Masters looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and halfheartedly answers, “Thirty-two.”

“What about you, Andi? How many steps do you think it will take you to get inside the gate? Just inside the gate, nothing else.”

“Let’s see…”

She slowly starts to walk and counts each step as she goes. We get to the gate and she looks over at me. “Thirty-seven.”

“Excellent number. Now, how about from the gate to the common room? It’s much further. I’m thinking about one hundred seven steps.”

Andi starts counting as we make our way to the common room. I expect a look of disapproval from Masters, but when I look over at him he is nodding and has a look of gratitude in his eyes. I usually make awkward situations more uncomfortable, so this is an unusual occurrence for me.

“I’m going to go talk to, Malik,” he says. “You two have a seat here and wait for me. I won’t be long.”

With that Masters takes off and Andi and I sit down.

“Well, how many steps was it?” I ask Andi, hoping this is helping her as much as it helps me. Come to think of it, I am so worried about Andi I forget all about my own fear. That is highly unusual.

“One hundred seventeen. Thank you, Wes.”

“I didn’t do anything. You did all the counting.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it. I was sure I was going to collapse out there and I never would have made it if it wasn’t for you. My uncle would have hauled me out of here before I could say otherwise. He doesn’t think this is good for me, to see her…” She trails off and I can tell her thoughts are drifting.

“You can only do what’s best for you, Andi, not what others think is in your best interest. If I had the chance to see my mom I would take it in a heartbeat. I know the circumstances might be different with you, and you won’t get this opportunity again. If you need to go see her, then that’s what you do. You don’t need to talk, or ask questions, just see her. Maybe it will help release you from some of the pain.”

She rests her head against my shoulder. Out of habit I almost flinch, but I hold it back. Andi is more important right now than my disapproval of physical touch.

I run my hand through her hair as a way to comfort her. When she lets out a small sigh I make a mental note to tell Roz later how correct she was with her advice.

We sit that way for a while without speaking. It is one of the things I like most about Andi. She can sit in silence and just be. She doesn’t need to prattle on and fill the silence with empty chatter.

Masters and Malik walk over to us and by the grave looks on their faces I know the news can’t be good. Masters kneels down in front of Andi.

“Andi, honey, it doesn’t look good. She’s been mostly out of it for days and she’s not showing any signs of lucidity. She refuses food and even water now. She doesn’t look good, sweetie. Are you sure you want to do this? She most likely won’t even know you’re here.”

Andi’s tremors wrack her body. Right when I think she might collapse she surprises me and sits straight up. She looks her uncle right in the eyes and nods curtly. She then stands up and walks toward where Malik is standing. She shakes his hand and listens to what he is saying to her, nodding a few times in response.

“She is stronger than you think, Masters. She can do this.”

“I know she is; it’s me that’s the problem, not her.”

He leaves to join them. I hurry and catch up with them as well.

“Are you ready, Andi?” Malik asks.

“As ready as I will ever be.” She turns to Masters and me and shocks us both by saying, “Will you wait for me here? This is something I need to do on my own.”

I can tell Masters is just as thrown by this request as I am. I was expecting to have to hold her hand and walk her through this, but Andi being the strong and courageous woman I am finding her to be gives us each a kiss on the cheek and follows Malik into a small room.

The wait is excruciating. I pace back and forth so many times I am starting to make a path. I count everything in sight and still it does nothing to calm my nerves. Masters sits on a rock, silently brooding. Though he looks calm, I can sense his turmoil.

“She’s been in there for eons. Don’t you think we should go check on her or something?” I finally ask Masters, not being able to take it any longer.

“She’s fine, Wes. Although I don’t like being out here not knowing as much as you do, if that’s what she needs we have to let her be. She will be fine. Malik is nearby; he will get us if she needs us.”

I sigh and continue pacing. After a few moments of silence Masters surprises me again by speaking.

“I owe you an apology, Wes.”

This shocks me enough to stop my pacing and I look at him with what I’m sure is shock, which causes him to chuckle.

“Don’t look so surprised. I was wrong. It rarely happens, but when it does I am man enough to admit it,” he says. “Andi is like a daughter to me. We have always been close, and when she moved in after her parents were gone, it was only the two of us for a long time. I am as protective of her as any father would be of their daughter. But with Andi it’s different…she’s different.”

I’ve never seen this side of Masters. Normally he is so overpowering and intimidating. Now he is trying hard to fight back tears.

“My brother knew with our jobs anything could happen at any time. He made me promise that if anything did, I would love and take care of Andi for him. In a way I feel like I have to protect her twice. Once for him, and once for me. I haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt where she is concerned, and for that I’m sorry.”

As previously established, I’m not a feelings guy, though this seems like a moment that should be acknowledged. I have no clue what to say. Maybe I should get more data.

“Why didn’t you think I was good enough for her?”

Masters sighs and leans back. “It wasn’t that I didn’t think you were good enough, Wes, just not a good fit for her. I know Andi has liked you for a long time. I could easily tell, so I paid a little extra attention. You are one of the hardest people to read I’ve ever come across, though.”

I am downright baffled, which must show on my face because he chuckles.

“In some ways you are easy to figure out. Mostly, I have no clue what you are saying or thinking at any given time, and when you do explain yourself, I find myself wishing I wouldn’t have asked,” Masters says sheepishly.

It doesn’t offend me; it’s not like I haven’t heard that before.

“However, I never can get a read on your emotions or your feelings. Most people are driven by their feelings and emotions, as Roz is. But you, you’re a tough nut to crack. I thought for sure you were going to hurt Andi, not because you wanted to, but because, well…you aren’t the nicest guy in the world when it comes to sparing someone’s feelings, and I could only see your indifference where she was concerned. I know now I was wrong. That’s what I’m trying to say. I can see now that you aren’t indifferent at all. You and Andi are, in fact, very good for each other. I thought it was going to only be a one-way street, that Andi was going to be doing all the work, trying to lighten you up,” he says with a twinkle of mischief in his eye.

“You have once again proven me wrong. Watching you with her today was amazing. You knew exactly what she needed and gave that to her. I try to bully her into doing what I think is best. I know it’s wrong, but it’s my way. You gave her the tools she needed to make her own choices and I watched her pull strength from you. It was incredible, so thank you for being what she needs, and know that you are welcome in our home anytime.”

Wow, what a switch. I never in a hundred years thought I would ever hear Masters offering his approval of me, let alone welcoming me into his home.

“And Wes?”

“Yes?”

“If you hurt her, I will kill you with my bare hands and they will never find your body.”

Now that’s exactly what I was expecting. At least he didn’t let me down.

“Duly noted,” I say with a smile of my own.

After a few more minutes of pacing, Andi finally emerges. I can tell she’s been crying, though she holds her head high. She goes into Master’s arms and lets him hug her for a few minutes. After what feels like an eternity, she turns to me and nods. I know exactly what she’s telling me. She’s glad she did it. Andi stretches her hand out for mine and when I take hold of it, she squeezes it twice. We head back to the train and ride silently all the way home. Once we get to Masters’ house Andi tells him to go find Natasha; that we’re going to go for a walk. When Masters goes inside, Andi gives me a silent request for a hug. I open my arms and she walks into them. She isn’t violently crying and shaking like the last time. I can feel her crying softly, her tears making my shirt damp, but for once I don’t worry about that, or the germs, or the touching. I only worry about Andi.

It’s official, I am evolving.

CHAPTER

TWENTY-SEVEN

A few months have passed since we went to the O.C. to see Andi’s mom. It took her a while to open up to me, but she finally told me about the visit. Not everything, only that she finally was able to get everything off her chest, that she told her mom how she felt when she left her, and what she’s been feeling every day since. She told her how much she still loved her and that she knew her dad missed her; that it was okay to go be with him. Her mom opened her eyes and looked directly into Andi’s, took her hand, and then passed away.

Andi took it well. In her mind she’d lost her mother many years ago, and is happy now her mom is finally at peace. Her true closure didn’t come until she talked to a woman who was close friends with her mom in the O.C. Edith said her mom knew she was losing a grip on reality. She was in a very bad place after Andi’s dad died and wanted nothing more than to join him. Several times she’d made careless mistakes that could have put Andi at risk. She didn’t go into detail, but she realized Andi wouldn’t be safe with her anymore, so she took her to the one place she knew would be best for her. Edith told Andi that her mother talked of her every day, that Masters sent updates to Malik on how she was and her mother would brag about how well she turned out and that she knew she did the right thing. Hearing that Andi wasn’t just abandoned and forgotten about helped some, but like me, Andi will always carry the scars.

I have thrown myself into my Council training. I have a few minor projects to keep me busy as well, and Andi and I get together nearly every day, unless I have something going on, and then she is understanding.

I receive an e-mail asking me to meet with Dexter at 3:00 p.m. today. Since he is my roommate I can only deduce it’s Council business. I’ve been both dreading and anticipating the meeting all day. I can’t stand waiting around any longer so I go to the café and pick up a chocolate muffin for Andi and a coffee for myself. You’d think the coffee would only make me jittery, but caffeine always has the opposite effect on me. It tends to calm me down. I could use some grounding right now, that’s for certain. I have enough time to drop off the muffin for Andi, earning what I like to think of as Boyfriend Points, and then make it up to Dex’s office still with twenty-three minutes remaining.

Karl looks up from his desk and smiles. “Wesley, right on time. Dex will see you now.”

“If by right on time you mean exactly twenty-three minutes early, then yes I am,” I reply.

Karl gives me his fake smile and shows me into Dex’s office. I wait until he shuts the door behind him.

“I don’t like that guy.”

Dex looks up at me with surprise. “Who, Karl? Why not? He’s a good assistant.”

“He is one of those phony people who is always judging me, but puts on a fake smile and pretends he isn’t. For goodness sakes if you are going to judge and insult me you can have the decency to do it to my face. Just ask Molly!”

“Right,” Dex chuckles. “I’ll have to have a talk with him then, but I won’t dare replace him, even if Roz will never admit she loves that my assistant isn’t a woman.”

“Yes, how is Rosaline doing?”

Dex raises an eyebrow. “You mean she isn’t sending you daily messages?”

“Of course she is. But is she sending them to you?” I ask and Dex looks sheepish.

“She says she can’t afford the distraction right now. She writes once a week. I won’t say I’m proud but I might use Grace a bit to get her to write that much.”

“Ha! Use what you can, man.”

“You don’t think she is dating that Jeff guy, do you?”

“Of course not! And neither do you. Don’t become a victim of insecurity, Dexter, it isn’t becoming. Now enough of this mindless drivel, let’s get down to business and why I was called here today.”

Dex laughs. “Not one to beat around the bush are you, Wes? I’m surprised you kept up the ‘mindless drivel,’ as you so lovingly put it, for as long as you did. Now the reason I called you in today is because the Council is happy with how you’ve progressed with your studies. To be frank, you have surpassed the amount of information retained by any trainee…ever.”

“Is that supposed to surprise me? Dex, the stuff is interesting but in no way rocket science. I have a photographic memory, so I retain everything I read. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, you especially.”

“That isn’t the point. The point is there is nothing else to teach you, and the Council thinks you are beyond ready to join. The only question now is, are
you
ready?”

Am I ready? I don’t feel like I’m going to have a panic attack at the idea, so there’s that. Still…

“Wes, you’re never going to feel one hundred percent ready. Being a Council member is unlike anything else. You can’t be fully prepared for what you don’t know, but trust me, I’ve been in your place and I know you are more than ready.”

“Well, if you think so. I know as far as the training goes I’m ready for the job. Socially…I’m not so sure. Although, according to Andi, I have made huge strides since we began dating. Apparently she brings out the good in me,” I say with pride.

“That she does. She’s a great girl, and I’m happy for you both.”

“Speaking of which, how exactly is that going to work? Once I am a Council member will I have to lie to Andi about my position like I will everyone else?”

Just the idea of having to lie to Andi everyday makes me nauseated. Not only Andi, but Molly, my parents, Masters. The more I think about the people I will be deceiving, the worse I feel. I am honest by nature. I hate deception; truth and fact is how I live. I live for knowledge, for finding truth. The idea of having to live in daily deception makes me seem as though I am going against my very self. The thought of that is seconds away from plunging me into a panic attack.

Dex comes around his desk and kneels in front of me. “Listen, Wes, I know it’s hard but don’t think of it as lying to people. Think of it as having dual identities. You are Wes the freelancer to everyone else, and Wes the Council member for the good of the country. No, you can’t mention your Council duties to anyone other than the other members and Roz.”

“At least I can still confide in Roz. It’s a small consolation but it’s something.”

Dex smiles sadly. “I can’t say I exactly know how you feel since I have taken over as spokesperson and people know I work for the Council. If it makes you feel any better, once you’re married you’ll be able to tell Andi since you would most likely move into Council housing at that time.”

I look at Dex in horror. “What part of that is supposed to make me feel better exactly? Why would you assume I am getting married? And to Andi? This is all moving way too fast for me, Dexter.” I stand and get ready to leave and Dex pulls me back into the chair.

“Whoa, easy there, man. I wasn’t saying you had to marry Andi, or anyone for that matter. I only meant if there is a time when you wish to marry, you can tell your wife. That’s all.”

I take a deep breath. “All right. Can I sleep on it and let you know in the morning?”

“Of course. I assumed you would want to do that so I set up a meeting at 9:00 a.m. with the Council. If you decide to swear in, you can do so at that time. If you decide against it, let me know and I will meet with them alone.”

“Very well. I have some thinking to do then.”

“Good luck. And tell Roz I said hello.”

Cheeky fellow, he assumes my thinking includes talking to Roz. Of course it does, but still. I go home and take a walk for a while to think everything over. Then I message Roz explaining everything and ask what she thinks. After I shower and start up my tablet I see I have a response from Roz.

Wesley Anderson Sanders, I’m so proud of you! First off stop freaking out for five seconds and realize what an honor this is! You are so awesome they want you as a Council member, which is in and of itself huge! Second, you are so freak’n brilliant that you blew through the training in only a few months versus the two years it takes everyone else! That is so wonderful! You said you liked the training, that the information was interesting even though it wasn’t challenging. If it seems like something you think you want to do the only thing standing in your way, from what I can tell, is your fear of the social setting.

That is completely understandable and a valid fear, but look at it this way—since we’ve come to the Ministry you have evolved into a much more social person. You may not see it that way, but really, you are leaps and bounds from where you were. And to prove my point YOU, WESLEY SANDERS, HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! I never thought I would see the day. And you are happy, so again…what is holding you back? If it’s fear, you can’t let it. You would rock as a Council member and I am only slightly biased. If you think I’m saying that so you can help me sway the votes in my favor when I piss everyone off I’m not. Chances are you will be leading the opposition anyway. ;)

Seriously, Wes, let go of all your fears and the entire scary unknown and ask yourself if you think the Foundation Council would be a good fit, and if you could be happy there. I think you would surprise yourself with how quickly you get the answer. Either way, as always I am in your corner and rooting for you!

Your number one fan Roz :)

If I strip away the fear and uncertainly of the unknown I think I can see myself as a Council member. And I would still be able to freelance, so I wouldn’t have to lie to Andi or anyone else about my work. I just wouldn’t talk about the other work I do. Then it’s decided. I’m going to be a Council member. My dad would be so proud…if only he could know.