Always Us (We Were Us Series Book 2) (13 page)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I pulled in behind Josh’s truck in his gravel driveway and met him at the door.

“Ready?” he asked, making it seem like I needed to prepare myself for what was inside. Or that he was preparing himself.

“Yes?”

His smile told me that I did need to prepare myself. But I didn’t know what to prepare myself for. I thought back to the last time I saw her, at the café right before Thanksgiving. At the time, I thought she looked fine, but realized now that she’d looked very thin and had spoken with such care. And she said ‘today was a good day’ or something like that, implying that maybe her days weren’t usually good.

I had been so wrapped up in myself, and so intent on forgetting everything about Riverview, that I’d ignored the one person, well one of the people, who actually cared about me and who I cared about. Mrs. Riley had been like a mother to me this summer. She took care of me and treated me like her own child.

Josh opened the door and I followed him in. It was close to four o’clock and the winter sun was setting, but inside, the room was dimly lit, I had to let my eyes adjust. There was one lamp on in the corner and the curtains were drawn, the only other light was what filtered from the dining room and kitchen.

“Jenna?” A soft voice cooed from somewhere in the semidarkness.

“Mrs. Riley?”

I found her sitting on the same hide-away couch I’d slept on when I’d stayed here. She was surrounded by pillows and blankets. A bottle of water was next to her along with a humming oxygen machine. Tubing ran from it to the clip in her nose.

“I’m so glad you came, I’ve missed you.” Guilt settled in my gut.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were sick,” I left Josh at the door and joined her on the couch. I sat right at the edge of the cushion, not wanting to disturb her.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I told Josh not to tell you. I know how busy you are with school and all that. And I heard about your mother. I’m so very sorry to hear that she passed away.”

“No,” I said a little too harsh. “I mean, no, you don’t need to be sorry about her.” I looked down at my hands in my lap. I fiddled with an invisible fluff on my pants.

“It’s okay to be upset about it.”

“I don’t want to be. She was nothing to me in the end. But you, you were everything to me. I’m so sorry I didn’t come here sooner. I’m sorry I ignored all of Josh’s calls. I’m sorry I just left without saying goodbye. I’m sorry I didn’t call you like I said I would.”

Tears spilled down my cheeks. I hadn’t meant to ramble on like that, but it all just kind of rushed out of me before I could think. She looked so small and helpless. I felt helpless. I wanted to do something or say something profound, but all I could say was that I was sorry and feel guilty about the way I’d acted.

“Oh honey, come here.” She opened her arms for me and I leaned into her. Her boney arms wrapped around me and I returned her embrace. I felt her tears fall on the top of my head.

The couch sank beside me as Josh sat down next to me. He rubbed my back and in this moment, I felt love like I’d never understood before. Here she was, basically on her death bed, and she was worried about me, she cared about me, she was forgiving me.

“How much time do you have?” I asked. I knew there was no right way or time to ask so I just blurted it out. Josh coughed awkwardly, and Mrs. Riley laughed, and then started coughing violently. I sat up quickly, unsure of what to do for her. She held up her hand as if asking me to wait or stop so I just sat there and watched her cough.

“I’m okay, dear. I just have a cough. That’s all.”

“I’m sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.

My phone rang before Mrs. Riley could say anything else. I swear, everyone who calls me knows when I’m doing something important and needs to interrupt it.

It’s Andrew and I know he’s wondering where I am and how the deposition went.

“I have to take this, I’ll be right back.” I stood up and looked over at Josh. He had a scowl on his face, and I knew he must be wondering why I could answer this call, but ignored all of his. I couldn’t answer that. I just knew I needed to talk to Andrew or he’d start calling and texting over and over again like Josh had been doing.

“Hey,” I say into the phone when I’d excused myself to the kitchen.

“Jenna, how’d it go? What’s happening?” he asked.

“The interview went fine. They basically just reasked all the questions the police did a few months ago.”

“I wonder why they couldn’t just use the questions from the police then.”

“Maybe they needed to reaffirm my answers and make sure I was telling the truth. Or maybe they needed answers for their own files. I don’t know. It was kind of a waste of time.”

“I see. So when are you coming home?”

I hesitated before I answered. I wasn’t sure how to answer him. I didn’t want to be dishonest, but I didn’t want to make it seem like I was blowing him off.

“I’m staying here,” I said softly.

“Staying where?” he didn’t sound too happy.

“In Riverview.”

“With who?” He knew. He knew I was staying with Josh. Michelle and Lauren were still in Brookhaven because Michelle had a final tonight and because I was their ride to Riverview this week. Which now, didn’t seem to be happening. I made a mental note to call Michelle or Lauren later.

“Josh.”

Andrew was silent for what seemed like hours, but really it was just a few seconds.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he finally said.

“I think I’m staying until after Christmas.” I’d might as well break all the bad news to him so he didn’t feel the need to call back tomorrow.

“What about Christmas dinner with the Hamilton’s? You promised. They made a lot of food.”

Crap, I’d completely forgotten that’d he’d invited me to his family Christmas celebration. And I hadn’t technically promised. And why would they make a lot of food for just one extra person.

“I’m sorry,” I pleaded.

“I’ll see you later, Jenna.” He hung up.

I was a terrible person. I was a terrible person for ignoring Josh for four months, I was a terrible person for not seeing that his mom was sick. I was a terrible person for going back and forth between two really great guys, even if that part was just in my head. I was so confused about everything, I was spiraling away from where I wanted to be.

Last year I was so together and organized and I knew where I was going and had a plan to get there. I was doing well in school and on track with my life. Now, I was just sailing along pretending to know what I was doing and stringing everyone along with me. I hadn’t been a very good roommate, I sucked as a girlfriend because I wasn’t even sure who I wanted my boyfriend to be.

Andrew wanted me, but right now, I didn’t want to be with him. I couldn’t commit to anything we did together. For four months, I didn’t want anything to do with Josh, but now that I’m here, after he’d kissed me, I knew I wanted something more with him. But that’s not what I was here to focus on.

Ugh.

“Jenna?” it was Josh. He took up all the space in the doorway to the kitchen. He was backlit so I couldn’t see the expression on his face.

“Um,” I’d just told Andrew that I was staying in Riverview, but I hadn’t even asked Josh if I could stay with him.

“You can stay here, Jenna.” He said before I could form the words to ask.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Mom’s asleep.”

“Oh.”

“Let’s go downstairs, we can talk.”

“Okay,” I smiled.

I followed Josh back into the living room and through the hallway to the stairway that lead down to his room. I remembered that as a kid his room was upstairs next to his parent’s bedroom on the main floor. We’d have hushed conversations about things I can’t remember anymore. I guessed that after his dad left, Josh moved to the basement and took over the whole floor. He had a room with his bed, a small TV, and a stereo, but there was a large room that had a big screen TV several gaming systems and a huge wrap around leather couch.

I didn’t know why I expected Josh’s room to be different. It had only been four months since I’d been here. But I embraced its familiarity and flopped down on his bed and flipped through the car magazine he had open. I felt at home here. I felt comfortable. Two things I hadn’t felt anywhere in the last four months, possibly my whole life.

“Buying a new car?” I asked.

“No,” he chuckled. “Just dreaming.”

“I hear ya. I probably need to replace the civic soon. It’s been running funny.”

“Really? Maybe I can take a look at it. I’ve been working on the tractors at work lately, so I’ve picked up a few skills.”

“Okay. I’ll let you do that.” I smiled at him.

He sat down next to me on the bed and ran his hand up and down my back in a familiar way. This small talk back and forth we were doing was only stalling what we really needed to talk about.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” he said, still rubbing my back.

“I’m not,” I said bluntly.

“I know.” Josh got it. He knew my relationship with my mom and didn’t try to force emotions out of me that weren’t there.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” I said and rolled onto my side, his hand sliding so it rested on my hip. “How much longer does she have?” I asked my question again.

“A couple of weeks,” he bowed his head, his voice cracked.

“Oh my gosh, Josh!” I sat up and hugged him.

He wrapped his thick arms around me and pulled me into him. I was in an awkward position, so I swung my leg around him and straddled him as he sat on the edge of the bed. He buried his face in my neck and squeezed my harder. I could barely breathe, but I know he needed me.

Before too long, his tears trickled down my neck, across my collarbone, and eventually disappeared down my shirt. His body rocked as he tried and failed to hide his sobs. I held him tighter in a vain attempt to stop them, but eventually I just let go, so he could too.

Me feet were going numb from the way I was sitting on him, but I was afraid to move. I was afraid to do anything to distract him from his grief. He literally has no one now. Just like me, I realized.

Josh and I were the same now. We both had fathers who didn’t want us in some capacity. I assume my father would love for me to live with him, or be able to have a better relationship, but he can’t get past Linda. I lost my mother and now Josh is about to lose his. Technically I lost mine a long time ago, but to actually have her gone was a different story.

No, I will not shed a tear for my mother. No tears. I can’t. I got over not having her as a mother long before she even went to jail. She abandoned me when she chose men over me, she abandoned me when she went to jail, and she abandoned me when she died. All of those were the result of her poor decision making.

Josh on the other hand, was losing his mother for no good reason. No one had decided for her that she was to die now. Cancer had made that decision for her. She didn’t make bad decisions in her life. She made the best ones she could and she deserved a long and happy life. And Josh deserved a mom and a grandmother for his future children. Or
our
future children.

“Josh?” I whispered into his ear.

He sighed heavily and rubbed my back before leaning just far enough back so that I could see his face. He rested his forehead against mine and pushed my hips against his.

“My feet are asleep,” I whined.

He laughed a breathy laugh that made my chest explode with a desire for him I didn’t know I still had. Before I knew what was happening, he’d braced me against him, stood up, and then placed me gently on my back on the bed, following me down. His blue eyes were bright and rimmed with red.

“Josh,” I whispered again. “I thought we were going to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

His mouth was on mine, hard and soft all at once, like at the river earlier. Of course I kissed him back. Other places were exploding now, and I couldn’t touch him enough. My hands were all over him, and I felt like I needed to kiss him more, or longer, or better. Whatever we were doing just wasn’t enough.

His hand slipped under my shirt. Just the feel of his rough, callused hands against my smooth skin made me moan into his mouth.

He took this as a cue to move forward. He slipped his other hand under my shirt and pulled it off.

“I don’t know if we should do this right now.” This was my ridiculous attempt and being sympathetic and moral.

“I do,” he breathed.

The last twenty-four hours and brought me to this point. This decision to sleep with Josh in this moment. We were both hurting and vulnerable. Not the best way to fuel this fire between us. But here we were. His mouth was inches from mine, waiting for my cue to let him continue. He needed me, he wanted me. And I felt the same way about him.

I pulled at the hem of his shirt and slipped it over his head. I kissed the corner of his mouth playfully, letting him know that it was okay to proceed.

He got up from the bed and walked over to his computer desk. I sat up, confused. I thought I’d sent the right signals, but maybe I should have said something out loud. He returned a second later with a small, red, square. Ah.