Authors: Sue Lilley
Joe woke with a jolt, the splash of rain on the windows making him need an urgent run-off. He’d meant to stay in the safe zone at the edge of the bed but Lisa was snuggled into his side, her arm thrown across his belly. He had to nudge her carefully off him, to avoid them both tipping onto the floor.
It was nearly nine o’clock. He’d slept better than he had a right to but the wet weather had left his dodgy leg aching. He felt stiff and grubby and keen to be out of that dismal room and on his way.
He had a quick shower but was too impatient to bother with a shave. When he came out of the bathroom, he was relieved to see Lisa was up and fully dressed. He gave himself a little mental pat. Not many guys could have spent a night in the same bed without touching her. Well only a little bit of touching, considering he was only human.
The weather forecast was on. Not great news for the south west. The M5 seemed to be getting the brunt of it. Cameras zoomed in where flooded fields were lapping right over the hard shoulder in places. He hoped Evie was okay in that cottage on the cliff and that he could get there before the worst of it reached her.
He started to shove things into his holdall. If he’d calculated right, they were less than 20 miles from Cheltenham. He could drop Lisa off at home and be on his way in no time.
“We’d best get a move on,” he urged. “I don’t want to get stuck in this place.”
As he picked up the sketch book, Lisa spotted the drawing and took the book out of his hands before he could close it.
“When did you do this?”
“Last night, when you were asleep.” How come that sounded so pervy?
“Do I really look like that? I love it.”
“I’m a bit rusty but it isn’t bad, I suppose. Keep it, if you like?”
“Really? Will you sign it?”
She passed him a pencil and a bit embarrassed, he scrawled his signature in the corner. She sat on the bed, obviously thrilled with the drawing. He’d forgotten how it felt to make someone so happy. He had to clear his throat.
“Come on, are you ready to go? We’ll grab some breakfast to eat on the road.”
Outside, he saw the car park had turned into a lake overnight. The few cars still there had water inching up their wheels. The woman in the café was full of doom and gloom but she didn’t need to persuade him not to hang about so she could close up and get herself home.
The rain was black and oppressive. Joe had never driven in such appalling conditions. Everything was crawling along, inching forward, trying to get where they needed to be before the water crept too far up their wheels. There were already cars abandoned on the hard shoulder.
He clicked on the radio, trying to control his frustration. He was starting to fear that twenty miles may as well be two hundred. At this rate, he’d be lucky to get to Cornwall this side of Christmas.
“They’ll be closing the motorway if this keeps up,” he muttered. “The Cheltenham turn-off has got to be soon. Get ready to give me directions. I don’t want to waste time going the wrong way.”
She nodded glumly. “Fine.”
“What’s the matter? Won’t you be pleased to get home?”
“I’d rather be coming to Cornwall with you.”
He laughed, hoping she was joking. “I’m meeting my wife, remember? And you’re just trying to put it off. Once you bite the bullet, it’ll all be fine, you’ll see.”
“Easy for you to say. You don’t have to face my mother. She’s going to be livid she wasted all that money on school fees.”
Joe doubted that would be the first thing her mother was going to think about but he let it drop as he finally pulled onto the Cheltenham slip road.
“Which way at the roundabout?”
“Left.”
He went right. “Cut it out, Lisa. Don’t go all sulky on me now.”
Joe’s heart sank when he heard the beginnings of a snuffle. He hated it when women cried. Always made him feel guilty, even if it wasn’t his fault. He tried to block out the sound but he could see her hunched miserably in the seat beside him. Jesus! Was this nightmare journey ever going to end?
“So, which way?” he prompted, as kindly as he could manage. “The truth, this time. If you don’t mind.”
“The station. Just follow the signs.”
“Why the station? What are you planning now?”
“I arranged to be picked up from the three o’clock train.”
“You’re not on the train,” he said through gritted teeth, starting to wish he could chuck her out and make her walk the rest of the way. “I said I’d take you all the way home.”
“No point. I don’t have a key to get in. It was in my purse when it was stolen. I’ll have to wait at the station until they get there.”
“You could call? Say you got an earlier train because of the weather? Use my phone, it’s right there in my pocket.”
“No thanks. Just drop me at the station and I’ll wait.”
It was just after one. He tried not to groan as he followed the signs to the station, weighing up what to do next. She wasn’t his problem and he was really tempted to drop her off and leave her there. But it didn’t take much to see the area was pretty grotty. It didn’t feel right to let her hang about alone for the best part of two hours.
And maybe he was being a bit hard on her. Must be a big deal for anyone at sixteen, telling your parents you’re pregnant. Worse if the boyfriend doesn’t want to know.
He took a deep breath. His heart was thudding. It felt like his nerves were being fed through a shredder. Was he just trying to make amends? Play a hero for Lisa because he hadn’t been there for Evie? The scenario was way too close to home.
But if he waited with her, his chances of getting to Cornwall tonight would be zero in this weather. Hard to believe it was half way through Tuesday and he still hadn’t got there.
“Well, I suppose I could do with a hot cup of tea,” he said reluctantly.
“I don’t want to hold you up.”
“A bit late to mention that now.”
He forced a smile. No point having a go at this late stage of their journey. And he’d already caught the flash of desperation in her eyes.
They went to a nearby pub and the girl who took his order did the usual hair-flick thing. And the leaning forward so he could look down her top thing. She was definitely up for it. He knew he definitely wasn’t. How many years had he wasted on ego trips like that? He wished he’d realised sooner that he had all he wanted at home.
The girl brought the food, taking her time to put the plates on the table. Almost stared him out to make sure he caught her drift.
“My ex-boyfriend supports Newcastle United. You’re him, aren’t you? That striker?”
“I wouldn’t mind his millions but not guilty, sorry.”
He turned his attention to the food and she went away disappointed, not sure if she believed him. Joe didn’t remember ever denying it before.
“Do girls always flirt with you like that?” Lisa asked. “You’re not him, are you?”
“Would a famous footballer really be here, in this grotty little pub? Anyway, he’s Italian isn’t he?”
“Don’t you ever pretend?”
“What would be the point of that?”
Not any more, anyway. He hoped he never felt like going there again.
Despite his frustration at being delayed yet again, it was actually a relief to be getting a break from driving in the rain. And he was hungry, he had to admit. The toasted sandwiches were tasty. Lisa wolfed hers down. Then wanted chocolate fudge cake.
“Not suffering from morning sickness, then?”
“Not so far. Did your wife have it bad?”
“It was a long time ago.”
He gulped at the last of his tea, wishing they’d never got onto that subject. He could hardly admit he wasn’t around for Evie’s first pregnancy. Nor the second, come to that.
“You look too sexy to be somebody’s dad. My baby won’t have a dad, thanks to that bastard, Simon.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine without him. But you need to start thinking about what to say to your parents.”
“You could come with me? Be there when I tell them?”
“Oh, they’d love that, wouldn’t they? They’d think it was mine.”
“I wish it was.”
“Sorry, Lisa. I can’t help you there.”
She sighed theatrically. But it didn’t hide the huge tears gathering in her eyes. She was clearly terrified. He truly hoped that Claire would never be that scared of telling him she had a problem.
“Do you know when you’re due?”
“Not exactly. I haven’t been to the doctor yet.”
“What? Tell me you did a test before you went traipsing half way across the country looking for the father?”
She bit her lip. “No, I just panicked as soon as I realised.”
Joe wanted to point out that the guy could have had his life turned upside down for nothing. But didn’t. None of his business, he reminded himself.
“Maybe you need to do that first, get it confirmed before you set any more cats amongst the pigeons.”
“I will,” she promised.
He was half expecting her to ask him to hang about while she peed on a stick. He couldn’t wait to get out of there. He glanced at his watch. Another half hour, max. Then he could wave goodbye and get on with his life.
He wondered if Evie was okay, down there on her own. He should’ve left earlier on Saturday instead of messing about. He hoped she hadn’t been leaving messages for him at home. She’d think he was avoiding her.
At long last, he drove into the station car park, trying not to count the minutes ticking by.
“I’ll never forget you, Joe. You’ve been fab.”
“You’re pretty fab yourself. Your baby will be very lucky to have you.”
A tear trickled down her cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb and kissed her. Just an affectionate peck. They’d shared a lot but he didn’t want to give her any more ideas. Lisa was clutching her portrait.
“I’m never going to part with this. And I’ll tell my baby all about how you helped me.”
“I think you helped me too. Helped me get a few things straight in my head. But you might want to roll that up and put it away in your backpack. Not that easy to explain how someone came to be drawing you in bed.”
She picked up her bag and opened the zip. “I wish you didn’t have to keep driving in this weather.”
“I can’t help wishing I was already down there. But I should be able to make it to Exeter services tonight. I can have a shave, find some clean clothes. I couldn’t turn up in the middle of the night anyway. The cottage is pretty remote. I’d scare Evie half to death.”
Lisa had rolled up the drawing and stashed it away. Her hand was on the door handle and he had to stop himself nudging her to get on with it.
“Good luck,” he said. “Be happy.”
“You too.”
He was surprised he had such a lump in his throat as he watched her walk away. He’d obviously changed more than he realised. He could only hope Evie would give him another chance to prove it.
He couldn’t wait to tell her how sorry he was for taking her so much for granted. He knew he’d squandered so many chances for them to be happy as a family. He’d chased women he hadn’t really wanted, just for an ego-trip or a quick fix of flattery. But maybe he wouldn’t share any of that. If she already thought he was a wanker, why make it worse?
But stuck there in the car, the past seemed to be doing its best to haunt him. Maybe it was the drawing, or that documentary last night reminding him of Kat. Maybe his life would’ve taken a different turn if he hadn’t been so obsessed with her.
After Kat’s New Years Eve party, Joe had woken up with a lurching stomach and a head like dense pounding fog. Christ knows what they’d been taking. He had a dead leg where Kat was sprawled on top of him. He rolled her off, contemplating a shag, but even the effort of rubbing some life back into his thigh made him want to throw up. Jesus! How much had he put away?
“You awake?” he mumbled. “What time is it?”
Kat whimpered and turned onto her back, throwing her arm across her eyes to block out the chink of wintry light poking through the curtains.
“Who cares what time it is? Go back to sleep.”
“Got to go to this family lunch at my sister’s place,” he groaned. “Heather made me promise. Said she’d pick me up.”
“Let her wait.”
She stretched, arching her back to show off her tits, a knee bent in blatant invitation. He recalled how she’d been the night before, barely waiting for them to get to the bedroom. She never cared who saw them. She never failed to turn him on, hangover or not. She opened her legs and he took her quickly, carelessly. But as soon as it was over, he felt sick again and desperate for something to drink.
He grabbed the dregs of the wine they’d been licking off each other the night before. No wonder the sheets smelled so vile. But it was better than nothing so he took a reluctant swig.
Awake now, Kat swung her long legs over the side of the bed and shook the tangles out of her hair. “That’s disgusting. I want coffee. The blacker the better.”
“Make mine tea, would you?”
“What did your last slave die of?”
But she shrugged and got up. His eyes followed her naked body, sleek and curvy in the half light. Her face wasn’t so great in close-up these days. But it didn’t matter much. They lived their lives in the dark. She never bothered with a robe. She wouldn’t care if there were people still crashing after the party. He wouldn’t put it past her to answer the door like that.
“Heather’s coming soon,” he warned.
“If your mate’s with her, you’ll get a hard-on watching him pretending not to look at me.”
“She’s my sister. It’s different.”
“My house, babe. My rules.”
“Kat, just put a fucking shirt on, will you?”
He threw his at her, knowing she wouldn’t fasten it. He used to like that about her. He wondered when it had started to bother him.
The stale smell in the room was bothering his guts. He needed food. And a slash. He pulled on his jeans, was just doing them up when Heather bounded in.
“Happy New Year, little brother.”
“Christ! Don’t you ever knock?”
“She said you were up. Bare tits at the door? It’s minus two out there. What planet is she on?”
“Sorry,” he mumbled, embarrassed and hating it.
Heather pulled off her hat and her gloves and turned up her nose as she kissed him on the cheek. “You smell like a brewery.”
“None of your business.”
“I’m just keeping an eye. Making sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. I said I’d come with you, didn’t I?”
“You don’t have to make seeing your family sound like such a chore.”
She slipped on a sheaf of papers, picked some of them up. Her face blanched as she dropped them like hot coals.
“Bloody hell, Joe!”
He glanced at the drawings. Viewed cold like that, he supposed they did look like porn. No point trying to explain it was just their thing. Some people liked photos, videos. He and Kat liked to draw each other. It was a turn-on. Nobody’s business.
“Kat thinks I should get a portfolio together. Think about transferring courses.”
“You wouldn’t give up your career just on her say-so?”
“What career?”
“Maybe that’s the point. You’re half way through your second year. You need to get your finger out, stop wasting time doing stuff like this.”
“My time’s my own. Why can’t you just butt out?”
“Somebody has to look out for you but we don’t have time to argue about it now. Go and clean yourself up. You look like you’ve been sleeping on the streets. No point setting them all off with their questions.”
It seemed easier just to do what she said. His head wasn’t up to anything more.
The dinner was noisy and tedious. And odd because family gatherings had always been at their mother’s house. If his sisters felt uneasy without her, they masked it by asking even more nosy questions than usual.
Their husbands had taught him to drive when he’d never had cash for lessons. They were always ribbing him, making out they all envied his free and single ways. He never used to mind that. Never used to mind them, even if they were a bit interchangeable in their chinos and pastel coloured shirts.
But today they seemed to be even more of a gang than usual and there were far too many squabbling children. Why did people keep on having them? It wasn’t for him, that was for sure. But Heather, picking her moment to corner him in the kitchen, was having none of it.
“So, how did Kat take the news about Evie?”
“Evie who?”
“You didn’t tell Kat did you? What the hell were you playing at, taking a kid like Evie to bed?”
“Nobody forced her.”
“So that makes it alright?”
“What do you want me to say? She was just some girl I met.”
“And you didn’t use anything? What’s wrong with you?”
“Why is it my fault? What about her? Girls are always on the pill these days.”
“Did you ask her?”
“Yes,” he lied because he couldn’t remember and as far as he was concerned, all that stuff was down to the girl. “How do I even know the kid’s mine?”
“So you’re just washing your hands? Anyone with half a brain can see Evie isn’t like that.”
He wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. Didn’t want to think that Heather could be right. Didn’t want to remember how eager he’d been to have his first virgin and get one over on Steve.
“It’s a wonder you haven’t been caught out before. You could have caught all sorts, in fact, the way you put yourself about. What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking, okay? So now will you leave me alone?”
“So you can sneak back to your one true love?”
“You know nothing about Kat and me.”
“Oh, really? I just wonder how many students warmed her bed before you? How many there’ll be after you, when she gets bored?”
“Heather, just fuck off out of it!”
“Why, because it’s none of my business? My niece or nephew isn’t my business? I care about that, even if you don’t.”
“I don’t.”
“You know what?” Heather glared, so angry there were tears in her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever disliked you more than I do at this moment. You’ve always been spoilt and selfish. Maybe the family are to blame for indulging you. But I’ll tell you this. Evie’s baby will be better off without you. I wouldn’t trust you to be a proper father if you were the last man on earth.”
Heather stormed out of the kitchen. Smarting at her words, Joe drank a glass of water, threw the glass in the bowl and didn’t stick around to see if it broke. He had to get out of there.
It was miles to walk back to Kat’s. And freezing. But it cleared his head a bit. He was used to Heather being in his corner and he hated her disapproval. But surely she couldn’t expect him to be saddled with a kid before he was twenty? And why was she so against him doing something with his art? Kat thought he had potential and Heather knew fuck all about it.
If he’d expected Kat to make him feel better, he was disappointed. He tried not to mind the sight of her sprawled on the sofa almost naked in front of guys he barely knew. He was the one who was living with her, wasn’t he?
Trouble was, things didn’t improve. Got worse, if anything, as January trudged into an Arctic February and March. Freezing snow banked up on the doorstep didn’t inspire him to even try and get to uni. It bored him rigid anyway and he preferred to stay in and paint.
But Kat seemed to have forgotten her earlier encouragement. She said she was painting all day and wanted a rest from it. All she wanted to do at home was break out a spliff, drink wine and have sex. Joe was less eager to oblige but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He was living in her flat. He’d lost touch with all of his mates and he had nowhere else to go.
Then one sunny Saturday he woke up to Kat clattering about with drawers and doors. He shuffled up in the bed, feeling uneasy that she was fully dressed in jeans and a floaty purple top.
“What are you doing up so early? Where are you going?”
“Plane to catch, babe. I need to finish packing.”
“What plane?” He noticed the suitcase on the floor. It was almost full. “What’s going on?”
“Harry invited me to Amsterdam for the summer. He’s rented this great house right on the canal.”
“Your ex-husband, Harry? You can’t just take off with him.”
“Why not? And technically, he isn’t my ex. We never actually got divorced.”
Joe swung his legs over the bed, tried to get a grip through the fuzz of his hangover. “What are you talking about? What about your job? What about me?”
“The job was only a fixed term contract. You knew that. Now it’s finished, there’s no reason to stick around in this dump. But the rent’s paid for another week. You can stay or go, whichever.”
He pulled on his jeans and stood there helplessly while she zipped up her case. “Is that it? Stay or go? You don’t give a stuff which?”
“Babe, it’s been a blast. But time to move on now, yeah? Too bad I’m in such a rush. The sex was always hot with you. You were a quick learner.”
And that was it. No kiss. No promises. Nothing. When Heather rang, he was still sitting on the bed, feeling dazed and abandoned, no idea what to do next.
“Kat left me,” he muttered into the phone.
“Good riddance!”
“Jesus! Thanks for the sympathy.”
“Have you seen the state of yourself lately? When was the last time you had a shave or ate a proper meal? She was toxic, Joe. Bad news.”
Joe was appalled to find his eyes were clouding with tears. The last thing he needed was Heather to have a go.
“What do you want, anyway?”
“Evie had the baby. You remember Evie, don’t you?”
He didn’t know what he was meant to say. His heart was hammering so hard in his throat he could scarcely breathe. It was too much on top of everything else.
“It’s a girl and they’re both fine, not that you can be bothered to ask. I hope you’re pleased with yourself?”
She hung up. Joe couldn’t think, couldn’t sit there in that empty flat. He grabbed a T-shirt and headed for the town. He needed noise and crowds. He could never think when it was quiet.
He was hurting. Kat had hurt him. Hot sex, she’d said. After six months, was that all he was worth? Had Heather been right all along and he’d been nothing but a convenient student warming Kat’s bed until the next one took her fancy?
He hadn’t even done his art school application. Had never put together the portfolio Kat had said she’d help him with. He found he couldn’t recall what exactly she’d said about that. Had she ever been interested in anything but sex? He’d heard the stories, but thought he was different. And he hadn’t exactly made it difficult for her, had he? Stupid twat, or what?
He sat on a wall watching the tourists milling around in the sunshine. How come everyone looked so happy? He needed a drink but he’d walked out without a penny. Probably didn’t even have a penny, if he thought about it. Kat had bought everything. Bought him.
Where were all his mates? Dropped for Kat. He’d thought they were jealous but probably they’d all been laughing at him. Maybe Heather was right and he’d trashed his life. What was he going to do? He dashed his hand across his eyes, trying to pull himself together. He felt so lonely. And scared.
And now he was meant to get his head round being a father. How did that work when he felt as worthless as a piece of shit?
He spotted a group of girls further along the wall. They were eating ice cream, laughing, taking photos. One of them had tumbling chestnut hair which made him look twice, heart hammering.
It could have been Evie last summer. Evie who’d adored and trusted him. And what had he done? Dumped her, just like Kat had dumped him. Only Evie now had a baby. His baby girl and he didn’t even know her name.
His head was spinning. He couldn’t take it all in. He felt sick, dizzy. Needed to lie down somewhere. But he had nowhere to go. Nowhere to live. And how was he going to live with no money?
He stepped into the road. A squeal of brakes. A thud and searing pain. Then nothing but thick black darkness.