Authors: Sue Lilley
Nobody had warned Evie that she would feel such a proud, overwhelming and fiercely protective love for her baby as soon as she held her. Because she knew how it felt to be abandoned, her stomach had always churned at the thought of adoption, but it wasn’t until that moment that she was truly certain about keeping her.
Throughout Evie’s pregnancy, her mother had tried to make amends. She often had Evie to stay in Harrogate, fussing over her and buying more tiny clothes than any one baby could possibly wear. But Evie felt more resentful every time. And no less scared.
She’d tried to concentrate on her studies, grateful for her dad’s help when she got too uncomfortable to go to school. But she daydreamed about Joe turning up to sweep her off her feet. Deep down, she knew it was a fairy tale. But the thought of being alone with a baby was terrifying.
Heather rushed up to visit her new niece before Evie was ready to face her. They’d kept in touch sporadically but hadn’t seen each other since that bleak day in York. Evie felt fat and frumpy and out of sorts, not helped by Heather looking so vibrant in stone capris and a white sleeveless blouse. And so painfully like Joe that it hurt.
“You look very fashion-forward, as my mother would say.”
Evie hadn’t meant it to sound like such a dig. She faked a cough, afraid she might cry. But Heather smiled anyway, dropping her flowers and gifts on the grass as she knelt down to give Evie a hug.
“You said in your letters your mother has a boutique?”
“Any big occasion, Maxine’s your woman. She can source an entire holiday wardrobe, delivered in tissue ready for the suitcase. Or just that one perfect little black dress. Nothing’s too much trouble for Maxine.”
“You don’t sound very impressed?”
“It’s just not my sort of thing. I helped her in the shop a couple of times. But I don’t know one end of an accessory from the other and I wasn’t very good at being tactful.”
“Not everyone’s cup of tea, I expect.”
“I can’t think of any job that’s my cup of tea at the moment. Especially as I can’t bear to leave Claire alone in her cot, never mind with a childminder.”
“She is gorgeous,” Heather agreed, stroking the baby’s cheek. “She’s like my other nephews and nieces. Same big eyes and loads of dark hair.”
Heather meant that Claire looked like Joe. But neither of them said it.
Evie poured two glasses of juice from the tray beside her on the grass. She gulped at hers, wishing she didn’t feel such a grumpy urge to cry. She couldn’t relax, wondering all the time who would be the one to mention Joe first.
“Do you need to get a job right this minute? If you’re living here with your dad, don’t you have a bit of time to think about it?”
“That’s what he says. He’s been great, really. He dotes on Claire. Keeps telling me to enjoy the summer with her, concentrate on my A levels. Do a bit round the house. With an allowance.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“How is it perfect? I’m seventeen. I’m meant to be having a life, not passing the time with a hoover. I love Claire so much and I don’t want to leave her. But how can I settle for being a housekeeper?”
“It wouldn’t be settling, would it? Not if it was only for a while.”
“You don’t understand!”
Heather was staring at her, biting her lip. Evie felt more guilty and miserable than ever.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, her voice thick with tears. “Why am I snapping at you when you’ve come all this way?”
“Don’t worry about me,” Heather insisted. “You’ve got a lot on. You should give yourself time to adjust.”
“But I’m scared that if I leave it too long I’ll turn into my mother. Trapped for twenty years before she could escape. It’s only been a couple of weeks and I’m already wondering how she stood it when she must’ve felt so stifled.”
“Have you tried talking to her about it?”
“Not really,” Evie sighed. “She’ll think I’m still having a go at her for leaving us.”
“And are you?”
“I don’t know what I think any more.” She flopped back on the grass, plucking at a patch of daisies. “Vanessa was here at the weekend. All she talked about was clothes, nights out, gossip. I’d looked forward to her coming but I was ready to scream by the time she went back to Edinburgh. All of a sudden it’s like I’m the older sister.”
“You’ve got different priorities now, that’s all. I’ve got three older sisters. It’s always complicated.”
“Everything seems complicated at the moment. I don’t regret keeping Claire. Not for a minute. But I want my own life. If I can’t have that yet, I can’t help feeling I should have a proper family.”
“But you do have a family. They’re all in different places but you do still have them.”
Evie sat up, deciding it was now or never to say what was on her mind. But she couldn’t quite look Heather in the eye.
“I don’t want the only man in Claire’s life to be her grandfather. She has a father. She has Joe.”
“You still want him, then?”
“I want the best for my daughter. Our daughter.”
Evie knew she hadn’t answered the question. She was too scared to face up to how she felt. She held her breath, waiting for Heather to speak. She was taking her time, sipping her juice, obviously struggling with what to say next.
“I’ve been wondering whether to tell you this. I don’t want to make everything worse.”
But hearing about Joe’s accident was almost a relief. There was a proper reason why he hadn’t been in touch.
“He will be alright, won’t he? There won’t be any permanent damage to his leg?”
“The doctors are being very cagey. It’s a bad break and he’ll need weeks in traction before he can even try standing. He was lucky not to be killed. But he seems to be on the mend, thank goodness.”
Evie felt faint. Joe could have died without ever seeing his daughter. She stroked the baby’s pretty little feet. It stopped her having to look at Heather.
“He does know about Claire, doesn’t he?”
“As soon as Vanessa rang me, I told him. I thought he had the right to know. But it was the day he was hit by the lorry and I can’t help feeling a bit responsible. It must have been playing on his mind.”
“Why? What did he say when you told him?”
Heather took Evie’s hand, obviously weighing up how honest to be. Evie held her breath, surprised by how much it mattered.
“Look Evie, don’t go getting your hopes up. At the best of times, he’s worse than useless at anything domestic. Right now, he’s not in a good place. I’m sure you’d be better off sorting out your life without relying on Joe.”
Evie wiped her eyes. She hadn’t realised she was crying. “He doesn’t want us, does he? You must think I’m really stupid?”
“I think you’re very brave.”
“So, would it be brave or stupid to go and see him? Talk to him face to face?”
The words were out before she realised she was even thinking about it. She made a great show of adjusting the baby’s sun hat but her hands were trembling so much she could hardly breathe.
“I really don’t know, Evie. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m already hurt. And I’ve tried to get over him, I really have. I mean, we didn’t even know each other all that well. But I can’t believe he won’t want his daughter once he sees her.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Well, then I’ll know.”
“He’s my little brother. I’ve always looked out for him and I want him to be happy.”
“And you don’t think he’ll be happy with me and Claire?”
“He’s stuck in a hospital bed. He’s bored and cranky. It’s not the right time to be making big decisions.”
“But maybe it’s the right time to start talking about those decisions? I have to try, Heather. I’ll go mad if I don’t.”
“I really don’t know how he’ll feel about it. He’s in a bit of a state. I don’t want to be blamed for a relapse or something.”
“So, just tell me which hospital and I’ll leave you out of it. We can go on the train or my dad can take us.”
“If your mind’s made up, I’ll take you,” Heather decided. “Claire’s my niece, isn’t she? But promise you’ll be careful. Don’t expect too much?”
Evie couldn’t promise that and Heather didn’t press her. They hugged, both of them close to tears. Then Heather got up to go, flicking the daisy chains off her capris.
“Anyway, I haven’t told you my news yet. I don’t know if you remember I was seeing Joe’s mate, Steve? Well we just got engaged.” Heather waved her left hand. “No ring yet, it’s being altered. I’m so happy. I love him to bits.”
Evie couldn’t think what to say. She couldn’t imagine Heather, who was so lovely, choosing someone like Steve Dryden. But maybe she was being unfair when all she knew of him had been coloured by her lonely summers in Cornwall. And people could change, couldn’t they?
“Congratulations,” she managed.
“I’m hoping Steve settling down will be a good influence on Joe. He’s drifting at the minute. Fingers crossed, a visit from you and Claire might turn out to be a good thing.”
Evie waited a couple of weeks until her belly had shrunk enough to get into a pretty summer dress. The baby looked so adorable in her little pink outfit, it was hard to imagine how Joe would be able to resist her.
Heather took them to the hospital, waiting in the car with the baby so Evie could go in alone and test the water. As she walked along the corridor, it dawned on her that Joe was a virtual stranger and felt suddenly terrified.
There were four beds in the ward. Joe was by far the youngest patient. One leg was winched up on a pulley. He was naked from the waist up, a huge bandage strapped across his shoulder, partially covering the garish tattoo. A nurse was fussing with his pillows, flirting a bit. Joe was just lying there looking glum.
He glanced up and saw her so she made herself go in. Her knees were wobbly. She wished she could’ve got into her jeans as the cotton dress was wrapping itself round her legs. She’d brought him a magazine. She clutched it like a lifeline.
“Hi,” he nodded. “Heather said you might come.”
His voice was husky, as if he needed some water. She’d expected him to be a bit wary. But he smiled politely, as if she was nobody.
She put the magazine on his locker and sat on the chair by the bed. He didn’t look at her. He had some nasty cuts on his body but his face seemed untouched. He looked pale. Deflated. Evie felt sick. She asked him how he was feeling.
“Like I’ve been run over by a truck.”
“Have they said how long you’ll be in here?”
“They won’t be letting me out of this contraption in a hurry. Then after that I’ll be on crutches for a while, then sticks, physiotherapy. The works. I’m thrilled about that, obviously.”
“Maybe that’s what you get for arguing with a truck.”
He looked at her then, a glimmer of interest in his eyes. “You’re meant to say how sorry you are.”
“Maybe I’m not sorry. Maybe I’m wondering if you were drunk or stoned.”
“You think it was my own fault?”
“I don’t know. Was it?”
“You tell me.” His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
He was as handsome as she’d remembered. But he looked so flat, as if his spirit had been smashed along with his leg. She’d expected to feel angry. But mostly she just felt sorry for him.
He reached for her hand. She froze. Did she want him to touch her?
“Why are you here?”
“I thought you should see your daughter.”
“So, why aren’t you thrusting her in my face, trying to make me feel guilty?”
“Do you feel guilty?”
He stared at her, his eyes deep and unfathomable. She sat still, not moving her hand from his, as though the next few minutes would be the answer to everything.
“I do want to see her.”
When Heather brought the baby in, she placed her carefully in the crook of his arm. She looked tiny but somehow safe. Joe couldn’t stop looking at her. He touched every finger and toe and when he finally glanced up at Evie, his dark eyes were glossy.
“I was thinking about you when I stepped into that road.”
Heather groaned. “I had a feeling it might be something to do with me telling you the news.”
“It wasn’t your fault I’d been such a shit,” he insisted. “I was wondering if it was too late to put things right?”
Evie’s throat was so dry she couldn’t speak. She felt overcome. Didn’t even know what she wanted to say. She hadn’t expected this. Not so soon.
Joe kissed the baby’s cheek and handed her back to Heather who disappeared tactfully back to the car.
“Are you going to forgive me?”
“I don’t know.”
“While you’re thinking about it, will you come again?” He squeezed her hand, impatient for her answer.
“Why? Because you’re bored?”
“Out of my skull,” he admitted. “I’m not great at promises but there’s stuff to talk about, isn’t there?”