As You Turn Away (The Walker Boys) (28 page)

“The Walker boys.” It was Jonah’s turn to smile fondly, remembering the moniker attributed to them many times growing up. Sometimes it carried a positive meaning, like the time they’d pitched in to take over Tom Parker’s paper route when he was sick, or the time Reece and Jonah’s softball team went to the state championship. Other times, it meant one or more of them was getting their ass busted for getting in trouble…again. But no matter what, they’d always had one another’s backs. Always been a team.

“Think we can finally go ahead and amend that to the Walker
men
?” Ethan joked. His tried to smile, but it faded as he cast a heavy glance at the still-closed bedroom door. “Seriously though, I’m real glad we’re all together again. This is going to be hard on all of us. But especially on Reece. He tell you they were talking about getting back together?”

“Yeah.” Jonah shook his head, still stunned at the depth of the tragedy. “He did say they were. So it’s a double loss for him, and I can’t even imagine what Jamie is going to go through in the next months and years.”

Ethan stood, and then reached a hand down and hauled Jonah to his feet. “He’s gonna need all our love and support, Jonah.” His eyes narrowed, and he frowned. “He’s so young that the full impact of her death may not settle in today, or even tomorrow, but when it does, he’ll need us even more then.” Ethan’s jaw clenched. “It isn’t right, her bein’ gone. But she is. So we’ll have to be there for Reece, to help him keep it together, and for Jamie.”

“We will be.” Jonah walked toward his old bedroom, and placed a hand on the doorknob. The next months would be hard, full of challenges, and moments where any of them could stumble. The key was having the love and support of family, and Jonah meant to make sure he was around for anything his loved ones needed from him. “Together, just like we said. I have to believe that we can all get through anything, even this.”

“Together,” Ethan echoed.

Was this the girl he adored? The girl he taught to fix a flat tire, the girl who gripped him as if she never wanted to let go when she rode on his bike? The girl who had every one of his family members in the palm of her hand? Was anything true about her, or them, or who he was with her? Or was it all a lie? Something he believed because he wanted to believe in it—in her? Was she ever who he thought she was?

The rage and the disbelief and the hurt soured inside him, and Jonah straightened, drawing back his shoulders. He hated himself for what he was about to do, but it seemed even love couldn’t change who he really was. He always feared the anger inside him would spill out someday, taking over. And he could feel it immolating him now, burning away anything good he’d tried so damned hard to be.

“Leave, then.” He stalked toward her. “Get the fuck out of this town.” He put his face close to hers. Ignored the memories of a hundred kisses that he thought meant so much to her. “You’re nothing but a spoiled little
bitch
, and I can’t wait for you to go.”

“Jonah!”

She sounded appalled; some part of Jonah knew he should be, too. He put his back to her, walking toward his car again. He stood there for a moment, trying to slow his panting. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t force out the sound.

“I said GO!” He barely recognized his own voice; it was deeper than normal and twisted somehow. “I obviously made a mistake ever thinking you were different than everyone said you were. I don’t love you, I don’t want you…and I don’t need you.”

She gasped, and he finally turned to face her. He wasn’t at all prepared for the anger contorting her features; he wondered if that was how he looked, too. Rage thrummed through him with every heartbeat, sinking deeper and deeper into him, until all he wanted to do was tear himself apart. He’d always known he didn’t deserve her; that he was just playing at being someone she could love.

“I was just slumming with you,” Quinn shot at him. “I was wrong to think you could
ever
deserve me!”

Jonah growled, and stalked around to the driver’s side door of his car. He yanked the door open, and glared at Quinn one last time. “If you go now,” he said, a shudder rolling through him, “I never want to see you again.”

He jumped into his car and started it, gunning the engine. Closing the door, he roared away, leaving Quinn standing there with her anger and tears, and all the words they couldn’t say.

Quinn was almost asleep, spooned against Jonah. His breathing was even, but she knew he was awake. He was rigid against her, but for the hand making circles on her back. Her body felt heavy and warm even in just the thin t-shirt she was wearing. Despite how strained things were between her and Jonah, the heat in her face told her they were still capable of doing something right. Ever since Hannah’s funeral, everything else between them was so strained.

And she knew it was up to her to fix them. She just didn’t know how. Hannah’s death lingered around them and Jonah’s family, impressing on Quinn how short life was. How you never knew what was coming for you. How something could happen in an instant to change everything you thought was true. Nothing was guaranteed, and she
knew
that—now more than ever. But she didn’t know what to do.

She knew that she couldn’t continue like this though. She was going nowhere. And worse, by not letting Jonah in entirely, she felt like Hannah’s death was in vain.

“Quinn?” His whisper floated toward her in the darkness.

“Mmm?” She arched into him, wishing they were still making love. They didn’t have to speak then—their tangled limbs said anything that needed saying. She loved the feel of his mouth on her flushed skin, loved him filling her. She couldn’t get enough of him, but she knew sex wasn’t the same as a healthy relationship.

“Lie to me.”

Quinn stiffened and her eyes opened. “Wh-what?” She wanted to turn and face him, but wasn’t sure she could.

Jonah expelled a sigh that was more of an unraveling than a sound. “Lie to me. Tell me we’re okay…that
you’re
okay. Tell me that I’m imagining all of this heartache. Tell me that I’m not losing you, no matter what my gut says.” His voice dropped to a whisper, but she heard him plainly. “Lie to me.”

She was glad she was still facing away from him, because she couldn’t stop the hot tears from falling down her face. As much as she wanted to offer Jonah something sweet and false he could believe in, she couldn’t. She wasn’t okay, and neither were they. She wasn’t sleeping for fear of dreaming. And she knew she needed to open up to him about
why
, but the thought of doing so scared her. So she kept up the pretense of normalcy, just as he did.

She wanted to lie to him. But she couldn’t.

~~~~~

Quinn sat on the floor of Jonah’s bedroom, legs stretched out in either direction. She bent low over one, holding as the familiar burn began. When she raised her head, she glanced across the room. Jonah was still sitting on the bed, position, body language, and expression the same as earlier in the evening. He was definitely in the same room as her, but he felt a thousand miles away from her.

Their conversation from the night before haunted her. There was an aching sense of disharmony in the way he touched her, in the way he wouldn’t hold her gaze. In the week since she’d come back from the city for Hannah’s funeral, Jonah hadn’t kissed her, or held her. Quinn could count on one hand the number of times he’d even said her name. He treated her with respect and civility, and he was
polite
to her. And all that combined was worse than any fight. She could have withstood harsh words better than this detachment.

Sighing, Quinn focused on her stretches again. Doc Paige was happy with her therapy, and gave her permission yesterday to begin some of her former, easiest routines, like floor stretches. With a few more rounds of therapy, there was a chance she would be able to prepare to return to dancing. And while normally the news would have thrilled her, and she’d happily told her dad, Darren, and Lanie, Jonah’s perfunctory response left her chilled.

They were broken. And she missed the
hell
out of him.

“I don’t want to keep doing this.”

“Stretching?” Jonah closed his laptop, and looked at her.

Quinn hadn’t realized she spoke aloud. She felt a flush traveling up her throat and into her face, and she averted her gaze, trying to gather her courage. She sat up straight, and met his eyes. “No, this.
Us
, fighting.” She swallowed. “What happened?” She stood and he did the same.

Jonah’s sigh sounded loud in the otherwise quiet room. “You really don’t know?”

Shaking her head, Quinn took a step in his direction, but he held up a hand to stop her. “No. Jonah, I don’t. Please tell me what I did?” He crossed his arms over his chest, and stared at the ground. He was silent for so long that Quinn wasn’t sure if he was going to answer her. Finally, he met her eyes, and his expression took away her breath.

“You left.” His quiet tone somehow managed to burn the words into her awareness. “I woke up, and you were just
…
gone
. I went to your house looking for you, just like the last time, and you weren’t there, either. You weren’t
anywhere
.”

“Last time?” Quinn had to force out the words; her throat was already closing over, threatening to seal her words within forever. When he finally raised his eyes to hers, Quinn wished he hadn’t.

“When we broke up, I went to your house a week later. I wanted to talk to you, try to save our relationship. Your dad said you’d already left for New York; I left later the same day for college, and I’ve regretted it ever since then. I thought.” Jonah paused, his Adam’s apple working. “I thought we must have meant nothing to you if you could really leave without trying to make amends. And this summer, it’s been amazing, but there’s that
fear
in the back of my mind.”

Quinn sagged against the wall. “That I’d leave again.” She exhaled, remembering how frantic he’d sounded when he called her.

“You were gone,” he repeated. “And in some way, it felt like I’d been waiting for it to happen since we got back together. I love you so fucking much, but sometimes you make me wonder if you’re—” He turned away, shoulders slumping.

“If I’m what?” Quinn closed half the distance between them, and hesitated. “If I’m
what
, Jonah?”

“If you’re even in this relationship with me.” He faced her, green eyes narrowed. “You’re here, and then you’re
gone
. And that brought up everything I’d told myself not to think about. All the emotions from the summer we broke up, everything we haven’t talked about. Haven’t
dealt
with, or overcome.”

His words unhinged her. She felt spun from everything he’d launched at her—from the revelation he’d gone after her after their first break-up, to the knowledge he’d been basically living in fear of her disappearing again. She couldn’t imagine what that felt like. Coupled with his accusation that she wasn’t as invested as he was in their relationship, plus Lanie’s observation that Quinn wasn’t ready to admit what she felt for Jonah, she felt shattered.

“I didn’t know you felt that way.” She choked on the words; they coated her tongue like ashes would. “I didn’t mean to make you feel afraid or abandoned. I would never just…
leave
, Jonah.”

He sat on the bed, and put his face in his hands. The action spoke louder than anything he’d said so far. Quinn wanted to go to him, but she felt frozen in place. She wasn’t sure if he wanted her anywhere near him. The few feet between her and where he sat felt like miles.

“But you’ve never
said
so.” His voice was slightly muffled, but she heard him. “Every time I ask you about us, or press for us to define our relationship, you dance away from the subject, or change it entirely. You don’t seem to take us seriously, and I’ve tried not to let it bother me, but it does.” Jonah lifted his head, but didn’t look at her. “It bothers the hell out of me.”

Quinn took a chance, and crossed the room until she was standing in front of Jonah. She didn’t know what to do next, so she sat beside him. Even this close, she still felt far away, so she put a hand on his leg. He flinched, but didn’t move away from her touch.

Sitting quietly beside Jonah, Quinn saw the summer differently, when she tried to look through his eyes. All the progress she thought she’d made was skewed from her point of view. Physically she was better, and she’d made some improvements in her relationship with her father. But was Jonah right? Was she not as committed to them as he was?

“I love you,” she whispered. The three words felt flimsy, like holding a band-aid over a gaping wound, but they were all she could offer him. And they were long overdue.

Jonah faced her, eyebrows raised. “I
know
you
love
me. But are you
in
love with me?” He put her hand against his chest. “Do you feel that, Quinn? My heartbeat? Do you know what keeps it beating so strongly?”