Awaken (30 page)

“Great,” she said. “They really know how to let loose.”

“At least you’re not in hiding because you broke your probation and were disowned by your family,” I pointed out.

Pat and Noah both nodded in agreement.

“See, Clare,” Pat said. “Whenever you catch yourself feeling bad, just remember poor Maddie here. Your life isn’t close to as depressing as hers.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Thanks for being sensitive in my time of grief,” I said.

“I do what I can,” he said, and smiled at me. I glanced over at Justin and his eyes were studying Pat’s thoughtfully. I saw something flicker, like an idea flashing through his head. Then, just as quickly, it was gone. He was as good as my father at keeping his emotions camouflaged.

Justin excused himself and walked down the hallway toward the basement.

Noah and Pat stood up and announced they needed to bring their stuff in. Clare grabbed my hand and stood up from the chair. “I need to talk to you,” she said, and pulled me toward the back door. A cool breeze whipped past us when we got outside, and Clare locked her arm around mine. We jumped down the porch steps and headed for the beach.

Clare glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was around.

“Okay,” she said, and her eyes focused on mine. “What’s really been going on the past few days?”

All she needed to see was the grin on my face and the glow in my eyes to know the answer to her question. Her mouth dropped open.

“I can’t believe it. Somebody brought down the walls of the impenetrable Justin Solvi.”

I creased my eyebrows. “What do you mean?” We stepped around scrawny bushes lining the path to the beach.

“I mean, Justin Solvi is unattainable,” she said. She said his name like he was some kind of celebrity and I guessed, in her circle, he was. “I’ve never seen him so much as second-glance at a girl.” She stared at me and her blue eyes widened with shock. “Wow. He must be in love with you.”

My stomach flipped at the words but I quickly argued them away.

“Clare,” I said, and shook my head. “Be serious.”

“I am,” she insisted. “Justin is about work. When he comes here, he works. When he’s hanging out with his friends, it’s
all about work.
That’s all he knows.”

I frowned. “That’s not right.”

“Do you know he’s never taken a day off? Ever! In the ten years I’ve known him, he’s never just taken a day to himself. Thought about himself.”

“He doesn’t think about himself,” I said. “I don’t even think he sees a
self,
he sees us all as interconnected or something.”

“I know, it’s so saintlike it’s annoying.” I laughed, but Clare’s eyes were serious. “I’m not kidding. Justin makes me feel so selfish sometimes because he never, ever thinks about himself. It’s crazy.”

We were both quiet for a few seconds.

“So, are you guys dating?” she asked. I laughed because the idea still sounded so bizarre to me.

I shrugged. “I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is Justin’s leaving soon and who knows when we’ll see each other again.”

She nodded. “You’ve definitely picked a challenging guy to like,” she said.

“Or love unconditionally,” I said.

Clare stopped and looked at me. “You really love him?” she asked. I nodded without hesitating.

“I just want to warn you, Maddie, he closes himself off to people, sometimes in the snap of a finger. It’s weird, I love Justin like a brother, but I’d never want one of my good friends to date him. I think he’s going to follow in a path similar to his parents.”

I could feel my heart sink. I looked out at the ocean waves curling in the distance.

“Justin won’t admit it,” Clare said, “but I think growing up without his parents around really affected him. All he knows is how to distance himself from people. And I don’t think he would ever want to drag another person into that kind of lifestyle. He was always left behind and even though there’s no bitterness or resentment, it’s not ideal to be tossed around, never knowing where you’re wanted, like you’re a piece of luggage someone needs to store. I think the way he sees it is he needs to choose one life or the other.”

I nodded because I was afraid of the same thing. I was scared that once we were separated, once his routine was back in place, he’d let the distance naturally grow. Clare squeezed my hand.

“But,” she said, “that was before he met you. And no matter how headstrong someone is, you meet one person and your world can change forever.”

The sun was starting to set by the time Clare and I made it back to the house. The sky faded into a dark purple canvas and the air turned chilly so I ran upstairs to grab a fleece. When I came back down, I was met by Justin and his mom, who both looked up at me with a dare in their eyes.

“What?” I asked.

“We like to welcome our guests with a little display,” Elaine said. “Something to get you fired up, if you know what I mean?”

I looked between her and Justin.

“Come on, let’s go outside,” he said. I followed him and Elaine out the front door and down the steps to the side of the house. People were gathered in a tight circle and I joined them to see what they were staring at. I looked down at a shallow hole carved in the ground with stones tracing a circular border around it. A pile of sticks and leaves and branches were piled inside.

People were pulling up chairs and blankets and somebody started strumming a guitar. Justin held something out to me.

“Do you want to do the honors?” he asked.

I took the matchbox out of his hand and nodded. I’d never lit a real match before, but I’d had seen people do it in movies. I took a match out and swiped it across the side of the box. The flame caught with a whisper and I stared at the tiny glow I was holding like it was magic. I could smell sulfur and smoke from the flame. I realized what Justin meant. It was tempting to want to touch the precarious orange light.

Justin nodded to the fire pit and I flung the match on top. Before it even hit the ground, flames shot up with a roaring gust. I jumped back as the fire reached into the air like slithering arms grabbing for something to devour. Clare, Pat, and Noah leaned toward the growing flames, stretching their hands and fingers out to the heat. I backed up until I reached the safety of the porch. The fire danced imperiously in front of me. I could hear the flames eating away at the wood inside of it. Branches snapped and crackled and I felt waves of heat and smoke drift over to me.

“Oh my god,” I whispered to Justin when he approached. The flames were hissing and it reminded me of all the times I’d seen fires on the news, scorching and killing and burning. All I knew fire was capable of was death and destruction. How could you appreciate something you could never trust?

“This couldn’t be safe,” I said.

“It’s safe,” he assured me. “Just don’t walk right into it and you’ll be fine.”

I shook my head.

“It can be used for good, Maddie,” he said, as if he could read my mind. He tried to pull me forward but I stayed in place.

“It’s too close to the house,” I said, remembering all the stories and footage I’d seen of forest fires demolishing homes and neighborhoods. I glared at Justin.

“Your house isn’t even fireproof. Are you insane?” I asked. A few people standing around the flames turned to watch me. Elaine’s eyes flickered to mine.

His voice stayed calm and even. “We have fires almost every night here. It’s not the enemy the news makes it out to be. Experience it for yourself before you judge it.”

I didn’t answer him, I only stared ahead. I watched Elaine pull up a seat at the edge of the roaring flames and relax next to it. Others sat down on blankets and lawn chairs. I kept my distance and shivered in the chilly darkness.

“Look at me,” Justin said.

He cupped my chin in his fingers and pulled my gaze away from the fire, but I could still see it reflected in his eyes.

“Your whole life you’ve been shown and told what to believe. But I don’t think you know anything until you experience it firsthand. So, form your own opinions.”

I looked back at the fire while I listened to him.

“Right now,” he said, “your mind is like a rope that’s been twisted so much in one direction it’s coiled up. I need you to unwind. Do you know what I mean?”

I stared back at him.

“Unwind? You mean let go of everything I’ve ever known? What I was taught to fear, I now need to accept and I probably need to fear what I’ve always been taught to trust?”

Justin’s eyes were patient. “Hopefully you won’t fear anything. You’ll just see the truth.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

He took a step closer to me. “Listen to me. You need to trust everything I tell you. You can question it and make me explain it a hundred times, but you need to open yourself up to try things. I’ll never try to conform you to believe something false. And neither will anyone here. Can you understand that?”

I nodded slowly. I took a deep breath and edged my way toward the fire pit and sat next to Clare on a blanket. Pat sat down close to my other side and Justin took a seat on the opposite side of the fire, next to Thomas.

I stared at the flames and listened – they had a voice of their own, a sound and a rhythm that whispered around us. For the next few hours, I watched how the fire brought people close together. Clare and Pat and I spread out on the blanket, like our own private island. Pat told stories about traveling with the band. He didn’t play, but he worked as the band’s manager and promoter. Anytime he brought up the move to California, Clare argued about it.

“You were getting plenty of work in Oregon,” Clare reminded Noah. “And your fans actually care about you there.”

“Yeah, well Oregon has about twenty venues. And California has over two hundred,” Noah reminded her.

I watched the fire flicker off of everyone’s faces while they talked and paint dancing shadows along the ground.

“I’ll have to tell my brother to see your show, he lives in L.A.,” I told Noah. I sensed Justin watching me and looked over in time to catch a flicker in his eyes. My intuition made me want to pull him aside and ask him what he was thinking but his father whispered something to him and the two of them were lost in conversation.

When the fire was starting to die down, people slowly dispersed. I went inside to get a glass of water from the kitchen but I stopped in the hallway when I heard Clare’s voice.

“What’s your problem?” she asked. “Pat’s your cousin.”

“I think he likes her,” I heard Justin say, trying to keep his voice low. I stood frozen against the wall, too surprised to move.

“You care about her, Justin, why can’t you admit it?” Clare was struggling to keep her voice to a whisper.

“Of course I can admit it,” he argued. “It doesn’t mean I have a right.”

“You’re ridiculous. Do you honestly think she’s going to fall for Pat because
you
think it’s a good idea?”

“I can’t be there for her if she needs me. Pat can. It makes sense.”

I rested my head against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. So, I realized, that’s why he was giving me space tonight.

“There’s a slight problem with your plan. She’s in love with you, you stupid idiot.”

My stomach flipped at how easily Clare could speak those words.

“Don’t call me a stupid idiot,” I heard him say.

“Sorry, stupid jackass?”

“That’s a lot better.” I heard Justin let out a deep sigh. “The best thing I can do is leave her alone,” I heard him say. “I don’t want her to get hurt.”

“Why don’t you take your own advice?” she said. “Your mind’s all coiled up in one direction. Why don’t you let it unwind and see where it goes?”

I was standing next to the bathroom door and I made a show to shut it loudly. I heard their talking stop. I walked into the kitchen and pretended to be oblivious.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” Clare said, and turned to me and smiled, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. I poured a cup of water from a blue pitcher on the table and Justin walked out of the room. I watched him go and looked back at Clare. She sighed and walked out as well to join the rest of the group outside. I set my glass down on the table and realized my hands were shaking.

I wanted to pretend like everything was fine, that I didn’t know Justin was trying to break things off with me. I trudged upstairs to my bedroom, curled up in a chair next to the window, and pushed the drapes back until the ocean was in view. The silvery moon cast a trail of light along the surface of the water and I had the urge to follow its path like it was reaching out for me, teasing me to dream. I don’t know how long I sat there, lost in my thoughts, hypnotized by the distant, shimmering waves.

I heard my door creak open and I turned, snapped out of my daydreaming. Justin walked in. His skin looked dark against his T-shirt and I could smell the smoky scent of his clothes. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

I loved having him there. I hated how much I loved it.

“Everyone’s going to bed,” he told me. His voice was low and raspy in the darkness.

I nodded but focused my gaze out the window. Justin studied me quietly and I slipped out of the chair and climbed onto his lap. He was surprised at first by my forwardness, but then his shoulders relaxed and he wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head under the crook of his neck and concentrated on the rhythm of his heart.

He whispered in my ear, “I’m leaving for Portland tomorrow.”

I nodded because I knew what was coming next.

“I’ll be gone for a while.” He leaned away so he could read my eyes. “Do you think you’ll be all right here?”

I nodded again because I didn’t want to make him worry. I didn’t want to be needy and clingy and all these things that would hold Justin back. I knew how important his mission was.

“I know what you were doing tonight,” I said.

His eyes narrowed for an instant but he slowly nodded.

I stared back at him. “Do you want me?” I asked him.

I felt his chest rise in a deep intake of breath. He reached his hand out and lightly traced the skin under my collarbone, above my chest, where my heart was pounding. He let his hand rest there for a few seconds to feel the pulse. His eyes met mine and they were torn.