Awaken (35 page)

He shook his head. “I don’t think about myself. It’s so hard to explain,” he said. “Not many people see life like I do.”

I turned on my side and stared at him. “Try me.”

He traced his hand slowly up my side. His touch made my skin tingle.

“Think about our bodies. We’re a chain of veins and organs and they’re all interconnected. If something isn’t going right in one area, the whole system can get out of whack. That’s the way I see the world. We’re all connected. I don’t see myself as this separate entity. I see things in a much larger scale. Everything I do directly affects another person, all the way down the chain. Every person I help can help another; we’re all connected. Change happens one person at a time. And I want to commit my life to seeing that through.”

I studied his profile. “You’re the one that says you need to have a balance, that one extreme isn’t any better than another. So I’m willing to compromise but you need to open yourself up. You’re great at giving yourself, Justin, but let people give themselves to you once in a while. Because someday, when your life slows down, you’re going to look around at all the great things you’ve done and the people you’ve touched and you might go down as a hero. But no one would have ever wanted your life. Because you’ll be alone.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. Then a grin slowly played on his face.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Do you think you would have said that before you met me?”

I looked down at his chest and didn’t answer him.

“Maybe you’re right,” Justin said. “Maybe I need more of a balance. But I’m not going to slow down anytime soon. I’m just getting started.”

“So am I,” I said.

I met his eyes and smiled because I could be just as persistent as him at getting what I wanted.

The next morning Justin woke me as the sun was barely starting to rise. I got dressed and grabbed my duffel bag and quietly followed him outside. We pulled away from the large Victorian home full of dark windows and people inside still asleep. I watched the trees waving in the pink light of the morning sky. I threw the sweatshirt hood over my head and sat back deep in my seat.

We drove along the coastal highway, trains zipping past us every few minutes. We rarely passed a car. My foot tapped anxiously as we inched our way closer to where we were meeting Joe.

“When will I see you again?” I asked.

He hesitated before he answered me. “I don’t know for sure. I’ll be gone a while. People are starting to fight DS being a national law. Which is really good news, but it’s going to be a lot of work.”

I stared down at our fingers, interlocked together so I couldn’t tell where my skin ended and his began.

“I have to get back to my routine,” he added. “It’s rare for me to ever be in one place more than a day or two. I told you that.”

I took a deep breath. I knew this was a hopeless argument. I loved Justin for how passionate he was, how committed, how loyal. I knew what he did defined him so I could never try to hold him back. I knew his idea of love was trusting people enough to let them go. So I said the only thing I knew for certain.

“I’ll miss you.”

He looked at me.

“Don’t,” he said, like it was easy. “I don’t want you to waste your time missing me. You’re only seventeen. Your life is just starting. If you think too much about the future, about seeing me again, you won’t experience anything. You’ll just be a slave to time.”

I turned and looked out the window. I couldn’t make sense of my mind because it was warring with my heart. It was so strange to argue with someone when all I wanted to do was love them.

I watched him closely. “You asked me to join your side.”

He nodded. “And that decision is yours to make.”

“If I choose you, if I agree to help you out, then can we be together?”

“Don’t do that. Don’t factor me in to this. It’s a larger decision than that. It’s not as simple as me versus them. It’s your life – it’s how you want to live and what impact you want to make.”

I felt sadness rise in my chest as I listened to Justin. I was sick of being so frustrated with everyone I tried to love.

We turned off the highway and pulled to a rest stop where another car was waiting. My heart was pulled in two directions to see my brother standing next to his car in the sunshine. When we stopped I jumped out of the car and ran into Joe’s arms. I knocked him off balance with surprise.

“Maddie, when did you become such a sap,” he joked, and hugged me tightly.

Justin walked up to us and I noticed Joe’s back stiffened. He thanked Justin for dropping me off and extended his hand, but his mouth tightened into a straight line. Justin shook his hand and told him it was no problem.

“I’m glad she can stay with you,” Justin said.

“Thanks for organizing everything,” Joe offered.

Justin nodded and put his hands in his pockets. Joe watched him with a cool edge to his eyes.

“Can you give me a minute?” I asked Joe.

He nodded. “I’ll be in the car,” he said. He glanced once more at Justin before he turned away. I saw a look pass between them, like a subtle understanding.

We walked back to the car and Justin grabbed my duffel bag out of the back seat. The sun beat down on us in the cloudless sky, but I had never felt more shadows fall around me.

I took the bag from him and felt hot tears pool in my eyes. They slowly streamed down my face and Justin rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks to catch them. He wrapped me in his arms.

“I promise I’ll find you,” he said. I nodded and let go of him. “Have fun in L.A. Make the most of it.”

I turned and looked at my brother’s car. The engine was running. I thought about speaking my mind and saying the things I needed to say and what a relief it is to let the heaviest words go. There was a word that sat in my heart like a weight pulling me down. I thought about what I would say right now if I could instantly delete it. Except I didn’t want to delete it, I wanted it out there, because that was the good stuff. So, before I could hesitate, I wrapped my arms around Justin and he leaned down to me. He kissed me and before I let him go I pressed my wet cheek against his warm one.

“I love you,” I whispered in his ear. I felt his head nod slowly against mine. I leaned away and fixed my eyes on him. “I’m just being honest.” His lips curled up on one side but his eyes were frustrated, like he was still trying to fight this. I wondered how often Justin heard those words. I’d never once heard his parents say they loved him. And he deserved to hear it. We all did.

I took a deep breath and turned forward to face my new life. I slid into the car seat next to Joe and closed the door behind me. My brother looked at my tearstained face.

“Looks like we have a lot to catch up on,” he said.

I wiped my eyes. “You have no idea.”

“You have no idea how hard it was to rent a car, even in L.A.” I laughed through my tears and felt torn, elated to be sitting next to my brother but also a little broken, like a piece of me was falling away.

“You ready for this?” Joe asked. I nodded and held my chin high. My brother turned out of the parking lot and as we entered the highway, I looked out at the western horizon. I saw a seagull in the sky, hovering above the water, and despite everything, I couldn’t help but smile. It was a sign something exceptional was going to happen.

First, a huge thanks to my agent, Helen Breitwieser, for loving my book and seeing so much potential in my writing. More than anything, thanks for the endless encouragement you gave me along the way – you believed in this book more than anyone. Second, an enormous thanks to Julia Richardson, my editor, for your vision and feedback that helped make this book shine. Thank you to Jennie Bartlemay, my very first editor, for your honest comments and feedback. Thanks to everyone at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt who helped design and market
Awaken.
Thank you to the entire staff of Red Horse Coffee Company for fueling my body with caffeine and my mind with encouragement throughout this entire process, and thanks to Damian Kulp for helping to build and design my author website. I also can’t thank my parents enough for all of their love and support through this journey.

Lastly, thanks again and again to Adam. I would not have written this book without you. Thanks for making me leave my comfort zone when I was ready to settle (think of all the experiences we would have missed). Thanks for believing in me more than I believe in myself.