Baby Aliens Got My Teacher! (2 page)

Last week I guessed
MIN-E-STRO-NE
and when Zach checked in the bin to see the wrapper he couldn't believe that I'd got it right. But that's because I saw it in her drawer earlier when I was looking for the Big Stapler. But I didn't tell him that.

So anyway, on Monday everyone thought Miss Jones was great because we didn't
have to do our maths and also because we got one hour and five minutes for lunch. Then after lunch she didn't get back until two minutes after the end-of-lunch bell had gone.

I wanted to ask her if
SHE
had a note, but Zach said, “No, don't! We've got to keep her in a good mood so she says we don't have to do any work again!” And guess what? That's
EXACTLY
what she said!

Teddies and Diseases

On Tuesday, Miss Jones was wearing make-up. I’d never seen her wearing make-up before. Zach said it made her look like she was one of the young teachers, but I thought she still looked like she was about thirty or something old like that.

I was just about to sit down at the table when I saw the weirdest thing ever. There was a teddy bear on Miss Jones’s desk!

You might think that’s not very strange at all, but Miss Jones isn’t really a teddy bear kind of person. She’s more of a hates-puppies-and-thinks-kittens-are-ugly kind of person.

The teddy was pink and had “You’re Great!” written on its tummy and a rose in its paw. Everyone
STARED
at it but nobody knew what to do so we just sat down. And then Miss Jones said, “Let’s all make Valentine cards today!” and gave us all pieces of pink card with little red love hearts and put
The Greatest Love Songs Ever 6
on the CD player. I thought this was weird for three reasons:

Reason 1 – Miss Jones was smiling (a lot).

Reason 2 – Miss Jones was singing.

Reason 3 – It was October.

Everyone just stared at each other. I think
we were in shock. Like the time me and Mum were waiting for the bus outside the library and I leaned against the glass in the bus shelter. But I didn’t know that the glass had been taken out because of
VANDALISM
and I fell backwards.

I almost rolled on to the road and got hit by a bus, but a man who was there dropped his peanuts and grabbed me before I did. Afterwards, Mum kept saying,
“THANK YOU! THANK YOU!”
and trying to give the man money to buy new peanuts but he wouldn’t take it. And then on the bus I didn’t say anything at all. And I still had my apple in
my hand and I had squeezed it so hard that my nails were stuck in it and Mum said that I was in shock.

Anyway, Zach likes making cards so he said he was going to make one for his mum to cheer her up and I just said
OK
and didn’t make fun of him like I sometimes do.

So me and Jodi sat together and tried to find out why Miss Jones was being so weird. Jodi said that one time her aunty started doing lots of weird things, like saying, “Good morning, Jeffrey!” to an orange and pouring milk on her violin. The doctor had said that it was
STRESS
and sent her aunty to bed for
a little rest.

Then I remembered that at Cousin Clare’s wedding, Mum had acted really weird too. She had kept telling everyone that she loved them and had thrown her shoes out of the window.

Dad said that Mum had
“BEEN A BIT TIPSY”
that night.

So me and Jodi pretended to make Valentine cards, but really we made a list of
all the things that might be wrong with Miss Jones.

But then we couldn’t think of any more diseases Miss Jones might have, so we showed it to Zach and he said that writing a list was a stupid thing to do. He said that he liked Miss Jones now because she was
being nice, and told us to stop doing the list.

So we fell out with him until the bell went. Then when we were putting our coats on, Jodi said that her mum would give me a lift home if Zach didn’t say sorry for saying the list was stupid and that he’d have to walk home on his own. So Zach said sorry and Jodi said, “Apology accepted!” and we walked home.

Miss Jones IS a Weir do!

On Wednesday, Miss Jones stood at the door and patted our heads when we walked into the classroom. Then she started calling us all weird names like “pumpkin” and “peach” and “pomegranate” when she was doing the register. I thought maybe we were
going to be starting a new project on fruit or something. But we didn’t. Instead, Miss Jones gave us all sweets and said we could watch a film!

I got really excited because Miss Jones
NEVER
gives us sweets or lets us watch films. Not even when it’s the last day of term. So we all got comfy on the floor with the big cushions. And then Miss Jones sat on the floor with us! I’d never seen a teacher do that before.

The film was OK to begin with. It was about a huge meteorite that was heading towards Earth and everyone was panicking because
the Earth was going to explode. But then it got all soppy and Miss Jones cried so much that Zach nearly had to get the nurse just to calm her down! Then Miss Jones just sat there hugging her teddy and saying,
“THIS IS MY FAVOURITE FILM OF ALL TIME.”

That’s when I knew Miss Jones had gone
BONKERS
. If this was her favourite film, why would she be crying so much all the way through it?

That afternoon Miss Jones said that it was high time we did some
MEDITATION
.
So we sat with our legs crossed and said,
“UMMMM UMMMM UMMMM UMMMM,”
for ages.

I didn’t really understand what
MEDITATION
was for but Miss Jones said it was for
RELAXING
and she must have been right because Maisie Miller got so relaxed that she fell asleep on my leg. Or maybe she just fainted again. You can never tell with Maisie Miller.

One time I tried to show Maisie my ingrown toenail just before I had my
TOENAIL REMOVAL OPERATION
. But she fainted before I even got my sock off.

We were supposed to keep our eyes closed during the meditation, but I peeked to see if anyone else was peeking and
Zach was peeking too. And then he saw me peeking and whispered, “Look! Look at Miss Jones!” So I did. And she had her eyes closed and she was waving her teddy slowly backwards and forwards in the air and chanting,
“AAAAAAA-uuuuu-EEEEEEE-oooooooooo.”

When we were finished meditating, Zach said that Miss Jones really
WAS
being weird and asked to see the list again. He said he didn’t think that Miss Jones had tipsy disease or stress. But he said that she might have
CRAZINESS
. So we added it to the list.

Then Zach said he remembered watching
a film with his mum one time. He said that in the film there was this
ALIEN
who wriggled inside a woman’s ear and took control of her body. He said that the alien woman had acted really nice to everyone and then when they became her friends she had put little baby aliens in their ears and
THEY
became aliens too! He said that nobody ever suspected she was going to do something bad to them because she was so nice to everyone, but really she was planning an
ALIEN INVASION
. So we added
BABY ALIEN IN THE EAR
to the list.

But then Maisie Miller woke up and heard
what we were talking about, and Maisie Miller gets
REALLY
scared at stuff like that. Before we could stop her, she’d started crying and Miss Jones had seen her and come rushing over.

I thought Miss Jones was going to start shouting and asking us what we had done to make Maisie cry. But she didn’t. She just gave Maisie a big hug and said, “Now now, my little lamb! What’s wrong?” and that just made Maisie even
MORE
scared and she started screaming.

In the end, Maisie Miller’s mum had to come and collect her because the school nurse said that she was
“HYSTERICAL”
.