Back To You (20 page)

“I know that now!
I actually talked to my dad about it. He helped me to realize that I was being
an idiot.”

Her eyes widened.
“You talked to your dad about this?”

“I guess I was
desperate. He gave me an earful for disrespecting my mom. He said that she
loved her life, and was proud to be a Marine wife, and that it was fucked up of
me to think anything otherwise. I see now that not only was I making decisions
for you, but I was also making assumptions about my mom that weren’t true.”

“Spencer, you
can’t just push me away because you think that you know what I want from life.
Everything I thought I wanted got turned upside down after that weekend. You
were my best friend. I would have…”

When she trailed
off, I stood from the car I was leaning on and took a step closer to her. “You
would have what?”

“It doesn’t matter
now. You hurt me before I had the chance.”

I squeezed my eyes
shut. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“You would have
what
, Ellie?”

She buried her
face in her hands and breathed deeply for a moment. “Being with you would have
changed everything. I thought that I was the one girl that you would stop all
of the nonsense for. I would have put my heart and soul into making it work
with you, Spence. I believed in us. For that short time, I believed that we
could last forever.”

Her words were
jagged rays of hope shining down on this messed up situation. I grabbed for
them like a lifeline. “Then give me another chance.”

“No.” Her eyes
welled up, and I could tell that she was desperately trying to control her
emotions.

I stepped closer
again and put my hand on her cheek. A tear spilled over, so I used my thumb to
wipe it away. “Why not?”

“Because I can’t
trust you now. I can’t trust that you won’t pull something like that again. I
need to move on. I can’t risk my heart like this, not with you.”

“But you can risk
your heart with Eric?”

“You thought it
would be best to go back to your old ways to protect your heart. I’m doing the
same thing. ‘Leave it to Beaver,’ and all that.”

I couldn’t argue
with her reasoning. The first thing I did when I felt threatened was sabotage
my happiness in favor of what was familiar. She was doing the same thing. But
I’d be damned if I was going to let her walk away that easily. Two wrongs
didn’t make a right. The next few minutes were going to show me a lot about how
I should proceed.

“Ellie, about that
kiss between you and Eric on the boat. How did it stack up to that night at the
hotel? Because if you tell me that you felt more for him in that moment than
for me, I’ll drop this.”

Ellie scowled at
me. “I am absolutely not going to compare.”

“Why not?” I got
closer again, our bodies touching now. “You should be able to admit who affected
you more. Which one felt right, and which one was just a kiss?”

She shook her
head, her brows pulled tightly together. But through her indignation, I could
tell that I was getting to her. She licked her lips, and then looked at mine.
Bingo.

“I think you need
a reminder,” I whispered against her lips.

Chapter
Twenty-One

Ellie

My entire body
went rigid when his lips closed over mine. I felt his fingertips press into my
hips as he pulled me closer, and I couldn’t help but melt into him. It was like
nothing had changed between us and we were back at Camp Pendleton exploring
this new connection. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed him until I was
back in his arms. He wanted me to compare this feeling to that kiss with Eric?
There was no comparison.

Eric.

I pulled away, and
without taking the time to think, I slapped him. The look of shock on his face
was instantaneous, and I brought my hand up to cover my mouth when I realized
what I’d just done. “I’m sorry!”

Spencer wiggled he
jaw. “Did you seriously just slap me?”

“You kissed me.”

“So you slap
me? What is this,
The Notebook?”

I giggled,
somewhat unwillingly. “I said I was sorry.” He reached for me again, but I
ducked under his arm. “Oh, no, you don’t. Just stay back. Two feet, at least.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes!” I threw my
hands in the air. “You can’t just kiss me, Spencer! I’ve moved on! I’m with
Eric now, and you and I need to just forget what happened between us.”

Spencer looked
confused. “That’s not what your lips were saying a minute ago…”

“Read them now.
I’m not doing this again.”

“What about
everything we just talked about? I laid it all out for you.”

I took a step
toward him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I know how hard it must have been
for you to open up like that. But it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t trust
you not to hurt me again. I appreciate everything you said, and I think it will
go a long way to fixing our friendship.”

Spencer shrugged
my hand off his shoulder and came closer. “You can’t deny what’s happening
between us. I can’t force you to be with me, but I do know one thing. If you
choose to be with Eric, one day, maybe many years from now, you’ll wonder what
it would have been like if you’d chosen me instead.”

I took a deep
breath, shocked by the intensity of his gaze as he stared directly into my
eyes. It was like a new fire was lit under him after that kiss. Before, he
looked so vulnerable as he admitted everything to me. Now, he looked completely
determined. There was a steady confidence about him that I had never seen
before. I tried to speak, but he held up his hand. I wasn’t sure what I would
have said anyway.

“Maybe you’ll be
sitting in your perfect house, drinking coffee and reading the news with your
lawyer husband, and I’ll cross your mind. And you’ll wonder how different your
life would have been if you’d done more than take the easy way out.”

I raised my chin
defiantly. “Or, maybe I’ll be safe and happy, and not heartbroken because I
chose the guy who had the power to crush me.”

“Maybe.” He smiled
sardonically. “But the fact that you think I have the power to crush you means
that you know what we have is real. I feel the same way, Ellie.”

I shook my head at
him, maintaining my ground.

“Fine.” He said
through clenched teeth. He took my face in both of his hands again. “But just
so you know, I’ll always be here if you change your mind. If there’s one thing
I now know, it’s that there is no one else for me. I’m going to spend the rest
of my life proving to you that we’re supposed to be together. It’s you, or no
one. Understand?”

The lump in my
throat was preventing me from speaking. Never in a million years did I expect
him to pour his heart out like this. I should have fallen into his arms. I
should have run away. Instead, I stood there, frozen.

He pressed his
lips hard against my forehead before walking toward the restaurant without me.

***

Sitting in the
fancy café with Eric for lunch the next day, I found myself hopelessly
distracted by the events of the weekend. First, there was that weird moment
between Spencer and me on the boat. Then, there was the first kiss with Eric.
And finally, last night’s post-wedding confession and kiss from Spencer. I felt
like a total mess. Not to mention a total hussy.

“Are you okay?”
Eric’s brow was furrowed in concern.

I shrugged
slightly. “Not really.”

“Something I might
be able to help with?”

“I don’t think
so.”

“Does it have
anything to do with Spencer?”

I blinked at him.
“How did you know?”

Eric chuckled.
“Just a hunch. So, what’s up?”

I took a deep
breath. It was best to just be honest with him. If he got mad and decided not
to see me anymore, so be it. But I wasn’t going to continue this relationship
between us with lies hanging over my head. In my book, omitting the fact that
another guy had kissed me the night before was definitely a lie.

“Spencer kissed me
after the wedding last night.” I watched warily for some sort of anger or
jealousy to appear on Eric’s attractive face, but it never came. He just smiled
slightly and took a drink from his iced tea. “Well?”

“Well what?” He
asked. “How do you feel about that?”

“I honestly don’t
know.”

“Elizabeth,
listen, I really like spending time with you. I think you’re a great girl, and
I think that we could have a lot of fun together. You’re smart, funny, and
you’re absolutely gorgeous. But this is why I told you to figure things out with
Spencer before we started dating. Do you have feelings for him?”

I looked down.
“I’m not sure what I feel for him. It’s really complicated.”

“Love is often
complicated.”

Again, I blinked
up at him in surprise. I had no clue what to say to that. Here I was, on a
lunch date with the guy I was seeing, and he was telling me that he thought I
was in love with someone else. What was I supposed to say?

“Look, I’m not one
for getting in the way of two people who want to be together. What’s holding
you back from being with him?”

“Well,” I started,
feeling strange about having this conversation with him like we were nothing
more than friends, “he really hurt me. I don’t want to go there with him, just
in case he does it again.”

Eric pursed his
lips. “That’s not what I would have expected from you, Elizabeth. You seemed
like the kind of girl that would take a risk if it made her happy.”

“We also have very
different ideas of how we want our lives to turn out. I’m not sure it’s a good
idea to try to force them together.”

“Compromise is key
to any relationship.”

I shook my head.
“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“This,” I gestured
between the two of us. “It’s like you’re trying to convince me to be with him
instead of you.”

Eric chuckled
again. “I think it’s quite clear, to me anyway, that you feel more for Spencer
than you do for me. Like I said, I think you’re a great girl and we’ve had a
lot of fun, but we’ve only been out a few times. I’m not going to try to get in
the way of an old friendship that’s turning into something more. Call me a
romantic, but I know when I’ve lost.”

I stared at him,
wide-eyed. “So, what, you think I should give him another chance?”

He leaned forward
and took my hand across the table. “I think that you should do what feels right
for you. If you don’t take the risk, you won’t get the reward. But I’ll be
damned if you’re going to settle for me just because you’re scared to be with
him.”

I let out a
bewildered laugh. This guy was seriously perfect. He just wasn’t perfect for
me. I sincerely hoped that whoever ended up with him, deserved him.

***

I heard my mom
calling me from the bottom of the stairs, so I shut the lid of my laptop and
headed down the hall. I paused when I saw Spencer standing in the foyer. I
hadn’t seen him since the night of the wedding, and I had no idea what to do
now that I wasn’t seeing Eric anymore. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to tell
him that yet. I still needed time to figure everything out. There were so many
thoughts bouncing around in my mind at any given second that I was only
confusing myself. No need to drag him down the rabbit hole with me until I was
sure about what I wanted.

“Are you just
going to stand there?” My mom asked with a laugh, jerking me back to reality.

I jogged down the
steps and gave Spencer a one-armed hug. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Spencer
smiled at me awkwardly, and then looked back at my mom. “It was good to see
you, Carol.”

“You too, honey!
Have a safe flight!” My mom moved in to hug him, and he closed his eyes as he
hugged her back. It made my chest hurt to see just how much he cared about my
mom. “Alright, I’ll let you two say your goodbyes.”

I waited until my
mom was back in the kitchen before gesturing for Spencer to go out back.
“Swings?”

He shook his head.
“I’ve got all my bags on the porch, and Olivia and Mills are just getting gas
to give us time to talk. We should go out front.”

I followed him
silently out the door, closing it behind me. “That was a fast two week break.”

“Yeah, no kidding.
It was good to be home, though.”

Not sure what to
say next, I shuffled my feet.

“E, look at me.”
His words were soft, and he brought his finger up to lift my chin. “What’s
wrong?”

“I don’t know,
Spencer. This is just really complicated.”

He leaned back
against the support beam on my porch. I thought he might have sensed that I
needed some space. “I know. But look, I’m not going to apologize for the other
night. I had to get it out and be honest with you.”

“I really can’t
jump back into things with you, okay? I need time.”

Spencer rolled his
eyes. “It just kills me that you wouldn’t even be with this Eric guy if it
weren’t for what I did. We’d be happily together right now, and you wouldn’t be
needing time to figure out which one of us was better for you.”

I almost told him
right then that Eric and I had parted ways, but I knew that it would just open
up a can of worms. He saw Eric as the only thing standing between us being
together again, and that simply wasn’t true. There were so many things that I
needed to think about before falling back into his arms. And as much as I hated
to be thinking about such things right then, I couldn’t help but notice just
how tempting those arms looked as his biceps strained against the sleeves of
his shirt.

Olivia’s car
pulled up, and I let out a sigh of relief at the same time that Spencer let out
a sigh of frustration. He looked back at me, a sad smile playing on his lips.
“I guess this is goodbye for now.”

I was surprised at
how much those words left a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I realized
then that I, too, wanted more time to figure this out with him. Only moments
before, I was hoping that he wouldn’t pressure me into jumping back into
things, but now that he was leaving I worried that I would somehow miss my
chance.

He stooped to
gather his garment bag and heft his sea bag onto his back, so I picked up the
smaller war bag. We made our way down to the waiting car. I noticed that they
weren’t getting out, so I figured that they were trying to give us some
privacy. How much could we resolve in the next thirty seconds? Definitely not
enough, that was for sure.

We finished
loading his bags into the trunk of the car, so all that was left was goodbye.
“Spencer…”

“Yeah?”

“I just want you
to know, that I’ll always love you. I just need to figure out what kind of love
it is, and where this is all going.”

A new spark of
hope appeared in his eye. “I can live with that.”

“Good.”

He pulled me in
for a hug, and rested his cheek on the top of my head. “I wish I didn’t have to
leave.”

“Me too.”

“I’ll always come
back to you, Ellie. Whatever you decide.”

Eric was right. If
I were to be with anyone but Spencer, I’d only be settling. I knew that the
tears would flow if I tried to speak, so instead I just let him hold me until
Mills beeped the horn, signaling that it was time for him to go. He got in the
car without another word.