Authors: Portia MacIntosh
I do as instructed and it isn’t long before Hannah joins me.
‘So, do you have a boyfriend?’ I ask. Full-on prying is the only way I’m going to get anywhere, but my cousin looks hesitant. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell your mum.’
‘Sort of,’ she replies.
‘Sort of,’ I repeat. ‘I hear that.’
‘Is Leo your sort of boyfriend?’ she asks. ‘He is well fit, I would.’
‘Would you really?’ I laugh. I like Hannah, she’s a Mia in the making. Perhaps when I go home and she gets a bit older she can take over my role as the family’s least favourite.
She nods her head.
‘So why do you only sort of have a boyfriend?’ I ask.
‘Well, I’m not sure if he really likes me or if he just wants me for…’
‘Ah, got it. Well, guys can be like that.’ Girls can be too. ‘You’ve just got to see what happens, you’ll soon find out if he’s genuine.’
‘So if I sleep with him and he sticks around then he’s cool, but if not he only wanted one thing,’ she thinks out loud.
‘You don’t have to sleep with anyone,’ I tell her. ‘Listen to me, only do what
you
want to do. If you want to wait then tell him that, and if he’s cool he’ll stick around. If he isn’t up for waiting, then you can do better.’
‘That makes more sense,’ she giggles. ‘Thanks, Mia. You’re pretty cool.’
‘You’re part of a very small and exclusive group that believe that,’ I tell her, and she laughs.
‘Did you really sleep with Leo?’ she asks me. I’m not sure if she maybe has a bit of a crush on him, but who could blame her?
‘Yes,’ I tell her quietly, probably because I’m not sure I should be telling her at all.
‘But you guys don’t want to be together?’
‘Well, we can’t be together, it’s too difficult,’ I tell her. ‘We live so far apart.’
‘But if you love each other, you make it work,’ she says casually. ‘Like in your movies, the couple always end up together.’
It hasn’t escaped my notice that my life is starting to resemble one of my movies, although unlike my leading ladies, I’m not about to learn some valuable, life changing lesson towards the end. In my movies the couples always end up together because we make them end up together, because women wouldn’t pay to see film after film about heartbreak and dying alone. No matter what the circumstances in the movies I write, there’s always a way to give the couples a happy ever after. It doesn’t matter how farfetched or unrealistic it may seem, the people who watch these flicks are willing to suspend their disbelief if it means a happy ending. Life isn’t a romcom though, and even I can’t think of a happy ending for this story.
The rehearsal dinner is finally upon us. I’m in Belle’s room, helping her get ready along with my mum, my auntie and Nancy. Belle is sitting in a chair while we all fuss around her, doing whatever she asks. She looks like a pampered queen sitting in her throne while her subjects run around after her.
‘I haven’t seen you and Leo spending as much time together today,’ Belle observes. ‘You two OK?’
‘We’re fine,’ I reply, aware that everyone is listening.
I am saved from going into further detail when Heather burst into the room.
‘Disaster. Does anyone have a tampon or a pad? I’ve been caught by surprise.’
It just goes to show that, even though Heather is much older than Hannah, we never quite get the hang of these things.
No one in the room offers to help her out, so I make a helpful suggestion.
‘Maybe try Hannah.’
‘You’ll have no luck there,’ my auntie insists. ‘She’s not due on for a couple of weeks yet.’
What did I tell you, she’d be one of the two extremes. Hannah must have forgotten to mark the family chart last month, tut tut.
‘I’ll have to pop to the shops,’ Heather sighs, dashing out of the room as fast as she came in.
‘My doctor gave me something so that my period didn’t ruin my wedding day,’ my sister informs us all.
‘Really?’ I reply, not actually wanting to know.
‘Yeah, it’s like when they send those planes up to clear the sky of clouds before a festival.’
There’s an obvious joke to be made, but my mother preempts my dirty mind and shoots me a warning glance not to make it. I wasn’t even going to, I’m just happy to be on better terms with my sister. If one good thing has come from this holiday, it’s that.
‘So you and Leo,’ my sister persists.
‘What? I don’t have to spend every minute with him, do I?’
‘It’s preferable to you spending all that time with my husband,’ my auntie interrupts. ‘Those little talks you’re always having, shutting up when I walk into the room.’
‘Mia, what do you talk to Steve about?’ my mum asks curiously.
‘You mean my uncle?’ I remind them. ‘Nothing – we hardly talk. We make small talk if we’re in the same room, that’s it. Am I not allowed to talk to my uncle now?’
I rarely get the urge to talk to Uncle Steve about anything, but I take issue with what my auntie is implying.
‘Mia, go and ask your dad what time he needs us downstairs, will you,’ my mum asks, diffusing the situation.
‘Are you sure you can trust me to talk to your husband?’ I ask sarcastically as I head for the door.
‘Don’t be vulgar, Mia,’ my mum scolds me.
Downstairs the house is buzzing with people, busy getting things ready for the rehearsal dinner.
I run my hand along the beautifully set table as I pass it, reading the name cards to see who is sitting where. A second after I see my name I notice Leo’s and he’s going to be sitting right next to me. My heart jumps into my mouth. Would anyone notice if I changed the seating plan a little? I mean, it’s only the rehearsal dinner, and I doubt anyone would even notice. I wait until no one is looking and quickly swap Leo’s card with another.
‘Mia,’ my dad says in his usual blunt manner.
‘Father,’ I reply, echoing his enthusiasm. ‘Mother would like to know what time we’re kicking off.’
‘I’ll go and have a word,’ he tells me. He gives me a nod before heading upstairs. A nod is my dad’s take on a hug and he doesn’t give them out lightly.
Not wanting to get in the way, I head into the living room and plonk myself down on the sofa. I’m wearing a very short red dress that doesn’t seem to want to protect my modesty, no matter how much I try and tug it down, and a very high pair of heels. I’m careful to dangle my feet over the side of the sofa so that the spikes don’t damage the leather.
‘Wow,’ I hear my uncle say. ‘You look… wow.’
‘Erm, thanks,’ I say awkwardly, sitting up straight and crossing my legs.
‘I’m sorry June is giving you a hard time,’ he tells me. ‘She’s just threatened by you.’
‘This preoccupation she has with me supposedly climbing my way up the family tree needs to stop, it’s ridiculous.’
My uncle laughs.
‘I did want to talk to you, actually,’ I say, changing the subject.
‘Oh really?’ he replies with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He takes a seat next to me and he’s so close I can smell his aftershave.
‘It’s about Hannah,’ I start, but once again I don’t get to finish.
‘You two,
again
,’ my auntie moans.
‘Oh no, Steve, we’ve been caught,’ I say in my best and most obvious faux surprised voice.
‘Well,’ she prompts, expecting some sort of explanation.
‘We’re having an affair,’ I joke. ‘It’s been going on for a while. When he tells you that he’s popping out to the shops, he’s actually jetting over to LA for a quickie with me.’
My uncle raises his eyebrows and widens his eyes at this suggestion.
‘Less of your attitude, Mia. I’m getting very tired of it,’ my auntie says through gritted teeth.
‘You’re not the only one,’ I reply, standing up as ladylike as possible, although it’s hard when you’re having to keep yanking your dress down. In hindsight, maybe it is a little too short.
‘Put your tongue away, Steve,’ I hear her snap at my uncle as I walk away.
I remind myself that the wedding is imminent. I can go home the day after and then who cares what this lot think of me? I can go back to the lovely sunny weather, writing movies and spending my time with handsome actors who don’t want to learn my name, let alone snuggle me all night.
If the big event goes anything like the rehearsal, then things are going to be just fine. Everyone is well, mobile, present and correct. The dinner isn’t going too badly either. It turns out I swapped Leo’s name card with Mike’s, so we’ve been joking around and having loads of fun. Leo is sitting with Nancy, and despite our new sort-of friendship she’s in full-on flirting mode which isn’t easy to watch – not that I’m letting on.
‘You know, the ginger jokes really made me realise just how funny I can be,’ Mike jokes to me.
‘Well, I’m back to blonde now,’ I reply.
‘It also made me realise that I know far more blonde jokes than I do ginger jokes, so let the laughs continue, Barbie.’
‘Oh good,’ I reply sarcastically, but I can’t help but laugh. Say what you want about Mike, but he’s kept me amused from day one.
‘What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know, what?’
‘Thanks for the refill,’ he replies, laughing at his own joke.
Mike leans closer to me and takes a break from chuckling to blow in my ear. I laugh it off and give him a playful shove, but it’s only as he moves away from me that I notice Leo giving us the filthiest look. Seeing that look on his face causes my heart to jump into my mouth. I pick up my wine to take a sip, although I’ll probably need more than a sip to block out the pesky rush of emotions suddenly bubbling in my chest..
‘I doubt Mia will ever marry,’ I overhear my mum say, taking my mind off Leo and dragging me into her conversation.
‘You don’t?’ I ask. I don’t either, but I’d be interested to hear whatever fantastically offensive reasoning she has for saying so.
‘It’s not that I don’t think you could find a husband,’ my mum assures me.
‘No, they do always seem willing,’ my auntie adds.
‘It’s just that you’re more of a…’ my mum pauses to think of the appropriate term. ‘…a good-time girl.’
I laugh. Spectacularly offensive, but she’s hit the nail on the head.
‘Well, it’s like Michael,’ Dan’s mum joins in, happy to participate in a subject that seems rather inappropriate to chat about during a wedding rehearsal. ‘He refuses to settle down. He’s thirty,’ she mouths his age, rather than say it out loud, like the big three-oh is a dirty word.
‘Thanks Mum,’ Mike laughs, he’s taking it in good humour like me – even if that’s not the way it is intended.
‘All I’m saying is that you’re getting older, you refuse to get married and you work in a computer game shop,’ she continues. This comment finally gets to Mike and his face falls. ‘At least Mia has a well-paid job, even if she doesn’t have a man.’
The table falls awkwardly silent as everyone stares at Mike, the unmarried freak with no prospects in life. I feel terrible for him because he’s not a bad person. He’s got a great sense of humour and he’s so much fun, and while I may not be into his scruffy style, he’s quite a good-looking guy – any girl would be lucky to have him.
‘Remember the time I let the kids watch Pulp Fiction,’ I blurt out.
‘Yes, it was a matter of days ago and I think people are still pretty upset about it,’ my sister fumes. ‘Why would you bring that up?’
‘She’s an attention seeker,’ my auntie reasons.
The attention shifts from Mike back to me. No one thinks much of it – it’s like pantomime, they love to hiss and boo me – but Mike realises I’ve taken a bullet for him and he reaches under the table and squeezes my hand. I smile at him, happy to have done it. In a couple of days I’ll be back home and he’ll be stuck with this lot. I’m happy to take the heat.
I glance over at Leo almost on autopilot – I’ve been doing it all night – and notice that he’s watching us, and boy does he look unimpressed. I quickly let go of Mike’s hand, banging my own on the table in the process and catching the attention of the others.
‘What are you two doing under the table?’ my sister asks, like we’re a couple of naughty kids, although I suspect she secretly thinks the hand job queen is striking again.
‘We were shaking hands,’ Mike tells her. ‘If we’re not married by the time we’re forty, we’ll marry each other.’
His mum nearly chokes on her glass of wine.
‘Over my dead body,’ she scoffs, and if she keeps saying things like that, it could almost certainly be arranged.
***
Another awkward dinner done and dusted, now almost everyone is heading to the pub for celebratory drinks and more bonding.
‘You coming in the taxi with us?’ Leo asks me as he heads for the door. Obviously, because there are so many of us, it’s going to take several taxis to get us all to the pub. The thing is, tonight really is my last opportunity to get any work done, so I have to take it. If I go back to LA without having done any work at all my boss will go mad, and I’m already in his bad books. The grandparents aren’t going and the kids are staying here too. It’s getting late so everyone will be in bed and it will be nice and quiet, I’ll be able to get loads done.
‘I think I’ll stay and do some work,’ I tell him. ‘Have fun though.’
I hadn’t meant to sound so casual and cold, but I did, and Leo doesn’t look happy. He nods across the room, instructing me to follow him.
‘What’s going on?’ he asks after taking me to one side.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
‘I mean, you’re avoiding me. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. I’m not avoiding you, I need to work.’
‘You’ve needed to work this entire time,’ he reminds me, ‘but you haven’t, you’ve been hanging out with me, now you’ve stopped.’
‘I have work to do,’ I tell him again, sounding no more convincing than the first time I said it. I
do
have work to do, but that’s not why I’ve been avoiding him.
‘You’ve found time for Mike,’ he says, a slightly accusatory tone to his voice.
‘You’re jealous?’ I ask.
‘I just don’t understand what’s going on here.’ He takes me by the hands. ‘Mia, I like you and I know that you like me, so why are you pushing me away?’