Authors: Portia MacIntosh
‘You have a problem with your dress I suppose,’ my sister starts, but I decide it best to nip this one in the bud.
‘I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I just don’t think you need that much protection from the sun, it’s not that warm. Just put some sun cream on.’
‘You’re the one who needs to take protection more seriously,’ my sister says as she stands up, ‘because that lifeguard probably has sex with every trampy tourist who comes by here.’
Meow. Sweet, innocent little Belle just got her claws out.
Considering this was supposed to be a quick hook-up, my date with Chris the lifeguard has been positively romantic – well, on paper at least. When I turned up Chris was waiting for me on the beach. He had laid out a blanket and two glasses of wine, so we could chill out and watch the sun go down over the ocean. I know this scene well, I have written this scene a thousand times, and if we were romantically inclined people then it would be beautiful and romantic… but I’m not a romantic, and I don’t think Chris is either. Still, we had a few glasses of wine, a nice chat and now we’re strolling along the beach back towards the beach house.
‘I would have invited you back to my place, but we have a rule: no guests at night. My flatmates work shifts so…’ Chris’ voice trails off, he sounds so disappointed.
‘Don’t worry about it. I’d ask you in for a drink but you saw how my sister reacted when we flirted in front of her. I come from a family of prudes.’
We’re walking quite close to the sea and I can feel the tide splashing around my feet as we walk hand in hand. Thankfully I’m wearing a pair of barefoot sandals, so nothing that I mind getting wet, and my dress is so short I would need to be in an Olympic-size swimming pool to get it damp. Chris turned up for our date in his red lifeguard shorts – so he’s either technically working or he thought I was really into them – and he still isn’t wearing a shirt, but I’m not about to complain about that. In fact, I’d really like it if he never wore another shirt ever again.
‘That’s a real shame,’ he says, and he sounds like he means it.
‘Well, you’re the local, isn’t there somewhere quiet we can go?’ I ask – see what I mean about a lack of actual romance, despite the beautiful backdrop?
Chris stops suddenly, and because I am holding his hand this brings me to a halt too. He looks left, he looks right, and then he smiles at me widely.
‘Here?’ I squeak, trying to feign at least a little shock. The truth is, I’ve wanted to rip those shorts off him since the first time I laid eyes on him – well, the second time I laid eyes on him, the first time I was preoccupied.
Chris wiggles his eyebrows, as if to ask: ‘what do you say?’
I glance around to weigh up the likelihood of us getting caught with our pants down. The beach is quiet, in fact I haven’t noticed any other people around for quite some time now.
‘Why not?’ I give in – not that I took much persuading in the first place. It turns out my lust for Chris is way stronger than my common sense right now.
Before I have a chance to give it much thought, Chris literally sweeps me off my feet and lays me down on the sand, pouncing on top of me.
‘You could have taken me on dry land,’ I laugh as I feel the tide splashing over us.
‘No, this will be hot. It will be like Pirates of the Caribbean and I’ll be Captain Jack Sparrow, mate,’ he says, doing what I imagine is his best impression of Johnny Depp’s legendary character.
‘You know how I know you’re not faking that Australian accent?’ I say as Chris kisses my neck. ‘Because that sounded nothing like Jack Sparrow – you’re terrible at accents.’
‘Do you mind,’ Chris laughs. ‘You making fun of me isn’t exactly keeping the wind in my sails.’
‘OK, sorry. Weigh anchor.’
‘All hands on dick,’ he jokes as he presses his body down against mine and kisses me on the lips, breaking only to ask: ‘How do you feel about the poop deck?’
I can’t help but laugh before grabbing a handful of his messy blonde hair to pull his mouth back to mine. The last time I had sex was that snooze-fest back in the States with Zack from work, so obviously anything was going to be better than that, but not only is Chris smoking hot, he’s also so much fun.
‘I’ve got a lifejacket in my pocket,’ he says as he fumbles in his shorts. It takes me a few seconds to realise he’s talking condoms. Always prepared, maybe Belle was right about him. Then again, I always carry them on me too.
As our kissing gets more passionate I feel Chris gently run his hand up my dress and remove my knickers with the skill of someone who does this all the time. Well, I do this all the time too, and begin pulling down Chris’ shorts with my toes.
‘Oh my God,’ I hear a familiar voice call out. It’s quite dark where we are, but as I glance back I can just about make out three figures running towards us. ‘Mia, what the hell?’ Belle shrieks as she stands over us with Josh and Max by her side.
‘Whoa,’ Josh says excitedly. ‘Mia, were you drowning?’
‘Erm, yes,’ Chris says, still on top of me. Thankfully, despite the subtle removal of my underwear, I am still wearing my dress, so my modesty is just about protected and the kids have no idea what is going on. Thank God Belle made herself known when she did, because even though we were only kissing, I can’t guarantee we wouldn’t have been getting up to worse minutes later.
‘Did you have to give her the kiss of life?’ Max asks.
‘Yep, that’s what that was,’ I say quickly. It’s one thing to let the kids watch an ‘eighteen’ rated movie, but if I put on a real life porno for them my auntie would stab me for sure.
As we lie there in the water, Chris still on top of me, I don’t think it could be possible for my sister to glare at me with any more anger… that is until the tide washes my red thong right on top of her bare foot.
‘Ew, gross,’ Max shouts as he notices. ‘Where did that come from?’
‘Mermaids,’ Chris says with a nod of his head.
‘He’s a ten-year-old boy, not a six-year-old girl,’ I whisper. I can’t pretend I’m not amused by this – at least the kids have no idea what is going on, even if Belle does.
Max frowns, clearly not buying it.
‘What it is, boys, sometimes bad people visit the beach too, that’s why I brought you out for a walk tonight, it’s not safe on your own,’ Belle explains.
‘Bad people like pirates?’ Josh asks.
‘Yo ho!’ Max yells.
At this point I can’t keep my face straight for a second longer and splutter out a laugh. As everyone looks at me to see what the matter is, I quickly disguise my laughing as coughing – well, I was just drowning after all.
‘Well, we’d better get Mia back inside,’ my sister reasons, raising her eyebrows at me expectantly.
‘Yeah, give me a minute,’ Chris says awkwardly. ‘You know, to make sure she’s OK.’
‘I’m going to go and tell everyone what happened to Mia,’ Josh yells as he runs towards the house.
‘No, I am,’ Max insists as he follows him, leaving us alone with my sister.
When the kids are finally gone Chris and I burst out laughing, but Belle looks furious.
‘Well I suppose you’d better help me get her inside the house,’ Belle says angrily. ‘It will look weird if you don’t.’
‘Sure,’ Chris says willingly. ‘But I really am going to need a minute.’
‘You people are disgusting,’ my sister mutters as she walks back towards the house.
‘Here we go,’ I say as we climb to our feet. ‘I hope you act better than you do accents.’
The drowning cover story may not have been my idea – in fact, it was kind of thrust upon me if you’ll pardon the pun – but it’s actually won me some sympathy because everyone in the house is fussing around me and praising Chris.
‘Thank you for saving my daughter,’ my dad says sincerely to Chris as he puts a brandy in his left hand and shakes his right.
‘I was just doing my job,’ Chris says seriously. ‘No need to thank me.’
‘Yeah, there’s no need,’ Belle echoes angrily.
‘Nonsense,’ my mum says as she rubs the towel that is around my shoulders. ‘Mia, you’re soaking wet.’
I look over at Chris and I can practically see the corners of his mouth twitching as he fights off a smile.
‘Listen, I know it’s not much for saving my daughter’s life,’ my dad starts, ‘but my other daughter is getting married next week and we’d love you to be a guest at the wedding.’
I watch as my sister’s eyes widen with horror.
‘You can’t invite people to
my
wedding,’ she says angrily.
‘Belle, Mia could have died,’ my gran snaps.
I know it’s wrong and that I shouldn’t have to rely on stunts like this to get attention, but suddenly people aren’t being quite so horrible to me. Well, everyone but my sister and my auntie, who is sat staring at me at the moment – God knows what is going through her mind, she probably wishes Chris had left me to die.
‘I’d love to, if that’s OK with you,’ Chris says to Belle. He smiles sweetly at her and everyone in the room buys it. My mum gives my sister an encouraging nudge.
‘OK, fine,’ Belle gives in. ‘But just the party, not the service.’
‘Excellent,’ my dad says with a clap of his hands. ‘Judith, let’s walk the hero out.’
‘Belle, be a love and help your sister to her bedroom. Put her in a nice warm bath, I’ll be up in a moment,’ my mum says before following my dad, much to my sister’s disgust.
As people begin leaving the living room, heading off in different directions now that the drama is over, my auntie wanders over to me for a quiet word.
‘I had to take you swimming enough times when you were a kid to know that there’s no way you could get into difficulty in water that shallow,’ my auntie says suspiciously. ‘I’m watching you, Mia.’
I smile at her. Well, what can I say? She’s not as daft as she looks.
‘Right, come on,’ my sister says, not even trying to hide her annoyance.
I climb to my feet slowly and weakly, keen to milk my near-death experience for as long as possible. I know that it isn’t right, but my parents are being nice to me – to
me
. I have to make the most of this.
My sister grabs me by the wrist and drags me upstairs. I wait until we are in the privacy of my en suite before setting about some sort of apology.
‘Belle, I am so sorry about that,’ I tell her honestly as I watch her run my bath.
‘Mia, I don’t care if you want to have sex with every guy you meet,’ my sister starts as she pours bubble bath into the water. ‘If you want to get every disease under the sun, that’s up to you.’
I don’t point out that there are more diseases that you
can’t
contract from sex than there are ones that
are
passed on sexually, she just doesn’t seem to appreciate my attempts at educating her.
‘You have to understand something though,’ Belle says as she forcefully yanks my dress over my head, ‘this is
my
wedding.
I’m
supposed to be the centre of attention. If you’re not banging on about your movies then you’re pretending to drown, and all to steal the attention from me.’
I face-palm so hard my hand nearly comes out the back of my head.
‘Belle, seriously, I am not trying to steal the attention from you,’ I explain as I cross my legs self-consciously, suddenly remembering I lost my knickers earlier.
My sister unhooks my bra, turns my body to face the bath and gives me an encouraging shove towards it.
‘Just wash,’ she insists. ‘See if you can make yourself any less dirty.’
And with that, my sister storms out of the bathroom. Well, that’s me told.
As I climb into the bath and sink down into the lovely warm bubbles, I think about what my sister has accused me of. I would never go out of my way to try and ruin her wedding – and if she really knew me then she would know that. She’s the one who is self-absorbed, not me. Just look how far I have travelled to be a part of this stupid wedding – risking my job by taking time off when we are in the middle of a project, putting my life on hold to come and be a part of hers. So I messed up a little tonight, but no harm done, crisis averted.
I am snapped from my thoughts by my uncle charging through the bathroom door.
‘Mia, thank God you’re alive. I was asleep, I didn’t know about your accident. Are you all right?’
‘Yes,’ I reply, grateful for all the bubbles that are protecting my modesty, ‘but could you give me some privacy, please. Before–’
‘Before what?’ June asks as she walks into the bathroom.
‘Is there someone at my bedroom door selling tickets for this?’ I ask no one in particular.
‘Steve, what are you doing here?’ my auntie asks him.
‘Checking on Mia, she could have died,’ he explains.
‘So, what do you care?’ she asks.
‘What do
I
care? I’m her uncle! Don’t
you
care?’
My auntie shrugs her shoulders.
‘She’s fine, now come on,’ June snaps as she drags my uncle out of the bathroom.
‘Close the door, please,’ I call after them, but neither oblige.
I lie back and dip my sea-soaked, sandy hair under the water. After running my hands through it a few times I sit back up – only to find my mum sitting next to the bath.
‘Oh my God, does everyone have to see me naked tonight?’ I complain.
‘Young lady, I have seen you naked more times than everyone else in the world combined.’
Debatable.
‘What’s up?’ I ask, because there’s no way my mum will be going anywhere until she has said what she wants to say.
‘Are you happy?’ she asks me.
‘I’m happier when I get to wash in private, but otherwise I’m not too bad,’ I joke as I reach for the shampoo. ‘Why?’
My mum grabs the shampoo, which is closer to her, and passes me it.
‘I’m just going to come right out and say it.’ My mum takes a deep breath. ‘Did you try to kill yourself tonight?’
I can’t help but burst out laughing, but she is being completely serious.
‘Mum, of course not,’ I reply as I rub the shampoo into my long, blonde locks. ‘Why would you think that?’
‘Well, your sister is getting married, she’s got everything she wants in life. It’s only natural to feel jealous.’