Authors: Portia MacIntosh
‘Well, I don’t hate you,’ he replies as he rubs my knee fondly. ‘I like you a lot.’
I smile for a moment, but then it hits me. He likes me a lot – what does that mean? When he said he didn’t have time for a girlfriend and then put the moves on me within minutes of meeting me I assumed he was like me, not looking for a commitment, never getting too close to anyone…
I
would never tell anyone that I liked them a lot, not even my family – although I suppose that is because I don’t like them at all.
‘Listen.’ I quickly move my knee from under Leo’s hand. ‘You’re a great guy and everything, and I really enjoyed yesterday. I’m just not looking for anything more than casual sex,’ I explain. In my head this makes perfect sense but when I say it out loud it always sounds bad.
‘Oh, I was just trying to make you feel better about everyone in that house hating you,’ Leo laughs. ‘I don’t want anything more than your body.’
‘You promise me you don’t want me for my mind?’ I tease, instantly relieved he doesn’t want any kind of relationship.
‘I promise,’ he laughs. ‘I won’t respect you afterwards, not even a little.’
I plant a kiss on his sweaty cheek.
‘Good,’ I reply. ‘Well, I’ll leave you to your exercise. See you at the big rounders game.’ I give Leo a faux enthusiastic double thumbs-up.
Before I get to the house I turn around and watch Leo doing press-ups. Rather than go inside and inhale the calories from Belle’s cooking I think I’ll stay out here, you know, just to spot Leo while he works out. What are friends (with benefits) for?
‘You’re up, Nancy,’ Mike calls out.
‘Stupid game,’ Nancy mutters to herself as she picks up a bat ready for her turn.
I wait patiently to bowl as Nancy does a few stalling stretches.
Mike could only manage to talk the under thirties into playing today (with the exception of Dan, who is stuck in bed – in case you hadn’t heard), but luckily that made twelve of us, which is perfect for a game of rounders.
Bridezilla got to pick the teams, deciding it should be boys against girls. The only problem was that there are seven girls and five boys, so Belle decided that as the most “boy-like” I should be on the boys’ team. She was probably trying to insult me, but I’m delighted to be with the guys instead of the girls. So it’s me, Mike, Leo, Josh, Max and Jason against Belle, Hannah, Meg, Beth, Nancy and Heather – well, it was supposed to be, but as the sun came out Belle retired to the tent she has pitched on the beach so that she can hide from the dangerous rays that are hell-bent on burning her before the big day.
‘OK, ready,’ Nancy moans reluctantly.
I bowl her a good ball but it goes straight past her and into Mike’s hands.
‘No-ball,’ she calls out.
‘Just because you miss it, doesn’t make it a no-ball,’ Mike informs her.
‘That was a no-ball,’ she insists. ‘Throw it again. I play by English rules, I’m not changing the way I play just because Mia is here.’
‘What are you talking about? You missed,’ I tell her sharply.
‘The teams aren’t even fair, there are six of you and only five of us,’ she whines.
‘Not that that could’ve had anything to do with you missing the ball,’ I start, ‘but you’re only a player down because Belle is hiding in her tent.’
‘Well, I’m not playing until the teams are fair,’ she says stubbornly, sitting down on the sand.
Mike shrugs his shoulders and no one else has anything else to say on the matter.
‘Fine,’ I say as I storm off towards the tent, where I find my sister reading a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.
‘Wow, really?’ I can’t help but blurt out. She’s a prude as far as my behaviour is concerned, but she’s happy to read a bit of filth.
‘What do you want?’ Belle asks, far too engrossed in her book to look up.
‘Can you please come and join in, or tell Nancy to shut the fuck up or something, she’s ruining the game.’
‘I told you, I can’t play because of the sun,’ my sister insists, her nose still in her book.
‘I’ll smother you in sun cream,’ I promise. ‘You must have some in that bag.’
Despite only being a matter of feet away from the house, my sister is carrying around a huge bag full of all sorts of things – everything from first aid stuff to insect repellent.
‘Come on, we’re having so much fun,’ I lie. ‘You need to de-stress, this will be perfect.’
I watch as my sister thinks carefully about what she should do.
‘OK, but only for ten minutes, and I will need a lot of sun cream first.’
‘Great.’ I clap my hands. ‘I’ll go and tell the others.’
I leave the tent to give my sister a little privacy while she douses herself in factor fifty.
‘She’s coming out,’ I shout to the group. Everyone looks bored and hot, and they seem relieved that we’re going to get back on with the game. It was a nice idea to start with, but now everyone just wants it to be over.
I can’t help but stare as a shirtless Leo takes a seat on the sand, lying back with his hands behind his head – in fact, I’m not the only one who has noticed this, all the women seem to be captivated.
‘Come on, Belle,’ an impatient Mike calls out, possibly something to do with the fact we’re all ogling Leo.
As Belle emerges from the tent we all cheer her as she walks over, that is until we realise what she’s wearing. My dear sister is covered from head to toe, protecting her skin with a variety of clothing, a headscarf and a pair of long socks. Now, don’t get me wrong, it
is
hot today – but it’s England hot, not Ethiopia hot.
‘Belle, you’re going to melt–’ I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.
‘Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you,’ she snaps back.
‘OK,’ I say slowly. ‘Well, let’s play.’
I look over at Nancy who is still waiting for me to bowl her a “good” ball and I decide it’s simpler to throw her an easy one than to argue with her. You know what they say about arguing with an idiot: don’t do it because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
‘Here we go,’ I say as I throw the ball ever so gently. Nancy squeals with delight as she hits the ball but it comes flying back towards me and practically lands in my hands.
‘Out,’ Mike calls before Nancy has even reached the first base.
Nancy points at me menacingly with her bat before she hands it to Belle.
‘You blokes are too competitive,’ she says, and yes, that means me.
‘Come on then, Annabelle. Channel your old PE days,’ I tease as she makes her way to bat. My sister brandishes her bat like she means business, I bowl her the ball and she hits it a little better than Nancy did, but once again it comes towards me. The ball lands at my feet so I pick it up and throw it to Josh who is manning the first base, but as Belle scrambles to get there first she trips (probably because she’s dressed like Lawrence of Arabia) and as she falls to the ground in what seems like super-slow motion her face blocks the path of the ball, and they both land together on the sand.
‘It’s still in, Belle,’ Josh helpfully calls out to his cousin, who is face down on the floor. ‘Keep running.’
Mike and I exchange worried looks as Nancy runs over to her BFF to see if she’s OK. As she rolls Belle onto her back I can’t help but slap my hand over my mouth with horror – look at all that blood! We all rush over to Belle, forming a circle around her.
‘Don’t worry, I’m trained in first aid,’ Leo says as he runs over.
I bite my own lip anxiously as Leo assesses the damage.
‘It’s just a burst lip,’ he tells Belle. ‘Nothing to worry about, you won’t need stitches.’
‘Just a burst lip?’ my sister yells, spitting blood all over him. ‘I’m getting married in a matter of days. How long will this take to heal?’
‘A few days,’ Leo replies patiently. ‘Three, five maybe.’
‘Mia Valentina strikes again,’ my sister screams at me. ‘You really are determined to ruin my wedding, aren’t you? Why don’t you just do the job properly, shave my head, burn the beach house down…’
‘I’ll go get you some wipes,’ I say softly to Leo as my sister continues her rant.
I head for the tent and begin looking in Belle’s bag of tricks for something to make Leo look less like an extra from The Walking Dead with all that blood splattered all over his body.
‘You know, for someone who isn’t trying to ruin her sister’s wedding, you’re doing a great job at it,’ I hear Leo laugh behind me.
‘Don’t,’ I plead as I hand him the wipes. ‘I’m going to be in so much trouble for this. I really didn’t mean to.’
‘Hey, I know that,’ Leo insists as he removes the blood as best he can. ‘Come here.’
As luscious Leo wraps his arms around me I can feel myself relaxing in his embrace. I exhale deeply as I feel all my tense muscles slowly going back to normal as he holds me close and rubs my back.
‘You OK?’ he asks.
‘I will be,’ I reply. ‘It’s just this situation and this lot. I’ll be glad when I can go home.’
‘LA is home?’
‘It is,’ I reply. ‘I thought you knew that.’
‘I just think that’s cool,’ Leo explains. ‘You’ll have to let me visit.’
I wiggle free from his arms a little and look into his eyes. I’m not sure I have ever been so attracted to anyone before. Usually the physically attractive guys are absolute pigs but not Leo – Leo is lovely.
‘Do you want to do something?’ he asks.
‘Oh, I want to do something all right,’ I say, grabbing his face and kissing him passionately. I’m not sure what just happened but he instantly made me feel better, so I’m showing my gratitude the only way I really know how.
Leo sweeps me off my feet with his big, strong, fire-fighting arms and lays me down on the tent floor. His body has only just met mine when we are interrupted.
‘Oh my God,’ squeaks the unmistakable (but slightly muffled) voice of my sister. ‘Is there anyone you don’t plan on screwing on this beach? Should I warn Dan’s family that you might try and lure Max down here, or Dan’s dad or his granddad!’
I can’t help but roll my eyes as Belle rants, still holding a tissue over her bloody lip. I can see that her comment about me screwing people on the beach registered with Leo, so I’m going to have to explain that one later. Awesome.
‘We were just–’ Leo starts, but Belle interrupts him.
‘Don’t worry, Leo, I’m not mad at you. This is just what Mia does. She sleeps with everyone, she tries to steal the attention and she ruins weddings.’
‘In my defence, ruining weddings isn’t exactly my thing, I haven’t ruined anyone else’s wedding,’ I insist. Well, I haven’t, but I suppose now isn’t the time to bring that up.
‘I came on to Mia, I promise,’ Leo insists.
‘Literally,’ I joke, but this type of humour is wasted on my prudish little sis.
‘Can you give us a minute, please?’ Belle asks Leo, who obliges. Brilliant, no witnesses, and I’m trapped in a tent with Bridezilla.
My sister sits down next to me, grabs a compact mirror from her bag and examines the damage to her face for a moment. It does look nasty, but the bleeding seems to have stopped and with a bit of luck it will clear up before the wedding – even if it’s just enough for us to hide it with makeup.
Belle snaps the mirror shut and looks me dead in the eyes.
‘Please don’t ruin my wedding,’ she pleads.
‘Belle, I promise you I’m not trying to ruin your wedding, this was just an accident.’
‘And promise me you won’t ruin Leo’s life.’
‘What?’ I can’t help but laugh. ‘Why would you think I’d try to ruin Leo’s life?’
‘I don’t think you’ll
try
to do it, but you will do it if you keep this up,’ Belle insists, and she’s being completely serious. ‘Leo is a good man. He’s sweet and kind. You’re going to hurt him if you involve him in your silly, slutty sex games.’
‘First of all, I’d just like to get it on record that I find that really fucking offensive. Secondly, I don’t think Leo is the kind of guy that you think he is. He really did come on to me first, I had no intention of going there until he made the first move. Not only that, but when I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious he told me he felt exactly the same. This is a holiday fling, nothing more.’
I don’t get an apology, but Belle nods in recognition of what I have just said.
‘OK then, so you won’t mind doing me a favour,’ she says confidently.
‘Go on.’
‘No matter who or what is to blame, I feel like my wedding is doomed. I need to do everything to make sure things go to plan, and if you really don’t have any feelings for Leo then you won’t mind doing this for me.’
I look at my sister expectantly as I wait for her to spit out what this big favour is.
‘A sex ban,’ she announces proudly, like this will be the answer to all her problems.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
‘You, not having sex until after the wedding. When you start thinking with your tuppence things just start going wrong for everyone.’
I take a very brief break from being offended to grin widely.
‘Did you just say tuppence?’ I laugh.
‘Oh and what do you refer to it as? Something sexual you heard in a porn film no doubt,’ she snaps.
I’m still laughing, only now my jaw has physically dropped too.
‘Why don’t you just say vagina?’ I ask.
‘Because that’s a dirty word,’ she replies seriously.
‘No it’s not. That’s what it’s called.’
‘Well I’m not saying it,’ she insists.
‘Say vagina.’
‘Mia, stop it,’ my sister demands.
‘Just say vagina and I’ll stop,’ I laugh.
‘Mia,’ Belle snaps, only far angrier this time. ‘I know you’ll probably find it difficult but just do this for me. Please.’
I’m not sure my sister is smart enough to work a little reverse psychology on me, but it’s working. As much as I hate being told what to do, I hate the fact that she thinks I can’t go a few days without sex even more. At least if I do as she asks, she’ll have one less reason to blame me for things going wrong.
‘I shouldn’t have to do this,’ I start, ‘but I will. Happy now?’
‘Oh I’m so happy,’ she snorts sarcastically. ‘Dan can’t walk, my face is pouring with blood and I have to worry about you keeping your knickers on.’