Authors: Portia MacIntosh
There’s just no pleasing some people.
After taking an abstinence pledge just to please my sister, I didn’t much feel like going back to the house to play happy families. Everyone either hates me or feels sorry for me because they think I’m so miserable I tried to throw myself in the sea, and then there’s Leo who I’m going to have to explain all of this too. To be honest, if I hadn’t already slept with him I’d probably find it easier to tell him that I had herpes than explain why my sister has made me promise to swear off sex.
It is for that reason that I decided to take a stroll along the beach before popping in to see Shell for a cup of coffee (on the house, because she’s such a lovely lady) and to inhale the smell of her cupcakes. We chatted the afternoon away, and at first I didn’t feel too awkward in my bikini because people were coming in from the beach, but as the evening approached I felt more and more naked – I’ve got to stop wandering off without proper clothes on.
So, here I am, wandering along the beach, alone, in my bikini, and not only is it getting dark but it’s getting pretty chilly too. I really don’t want to go back to the beach house, but I’m running out of options.
Just when I think I’m totally screwed a familiar face runs over to me and starts licking my toes.
‘Hello, Jay,’ I say brightly as I rub his head, something I instantly regret because he’s all soggy from playing in the sea.
‘Look at that, I think he likes you. Usually he hates the women I…’ Chris’s voice trails off. ‘I mean, usually he just isn’t very nice to women.’
‘You mean I wasn’t your first?’ I gasp in a faux surprised voice.
‘Technically we didn’t actually do anything, so my number remains the same.’
‘It sounds like that’s a good thing,’ I laugh.
As Chris walks closer to me and puts his hands on my waist, it’s almost as though I can read his mind. I know exactly what he wants.
‘I see you’re out without clothes again,’ he says. ‘Some might say you’re asking for attention.’
‘And you’re going to give it to me, I suppose?’ I smile.
Chris shrugs his shoulders.
‘Well, no one is around,’ he says. ‘Except Jay, but he’s fine as long as you let him watch.’
I laugh, but the truth is that as easy as it would be to get with Chris right now (and there’s the added bonus that my sister wouldn’t find out) I just can’t stop thinking about Leo. I can’t quite make sense of the way I’m feeling, but I suppose it’s only fair, isn’t it? If I can’t sleep with Leo, then it isn’t fair to sleep with Chris… no, I don’t know what I’m talking about either. I’ve never felt like this before, but then again I’ve never been put in this position before.
‘The thing is,’ I begin to explain, and I can see Chris’s smile drop almost straight away, ‘this is going to sound stupid, but I promised my sister that I wouldn’t have sex until after her wedding.’
Chris looks at me, visibly confused by what I have said.
‘Why would she do that?’ he asks.
‘Basically, she thinks my vajayjay will be the end of her. She also doesn’t think I can do it, so the urge to prove her right, sibling rivalry and so on...’
‘I can appreciate that, I had a bit of that going on with my little brother back home – of course it was mainly to do with surfing.’
We laugh together at the silly situation, but I’m glad that he understands.
‘Well, there’s only one thing for it,’ Chris starts. ‘Want to get drunk?’
‘Ah, alcohol – the next best thing after sex. I’m in.’
Well, I certainly don’t want to go back to the beach house, but if I have to it may as well be when I am very drunk and everyone else is asleep.
‘I thought girls thought chocolate was the next best thing after sex?’ Chris asks, puzzled.
‘Do I look like I eat chocolate?’ I ask, pointing to my body. ‘I don’t think I’ve eaten chocolate in five years.’
‘That’s fucking depressing,’ Chris laughs, ‘but I suppose you look good in a bikini for it.’
I smile.
‘Well, there’s a shop not too far from here. I’ll pop in and get us something strong, you can wait outside with Jay – no shirt, no pants, no service,’ he teases.
I give him a playful slap across the chops.
‘I’d give you some money, but I don’t have any on me. No pockets,’ I laugh.
‘That’s OK,’ he replies. ‘I won’t get the good stuff.’
As we stroll along the beach I feel happy that I have a friend here, but at the same time I feel strange, like I’m being disloyal to Leo. But what is Leo to me? Nothing. Hardly even what you’d call a friend.
Anyway, alcohol. That will make everything better.
***
I am drunk and it feels good. Drunk Mia is way smarter than sober Mia, drunk Mia has it all together and figured out.
Chris and I sat on the beach, drank the cheapest vodka mixed with diet coke and chatted about everything. He had some very helpful suggestions about how I can better survive my sex ban, although I’m fairly sure that having sex with myself probably still counts because if Belle caught me doing it she would probably beat fifty shades out of me.
Like the gent that he is – and not the tourist sexual predator my sister thinks he is – Chris walked me back to the beach house to make sure I got there safely. Halfway through the night he gave me a T-shirt because I was starting to get really cold and he wasn’t wearing it. I forgot to give it back before he left, and can’t help but laugh as I look at my reflection in the huge hallway mirror. The top is black and across the chest is an arrow pointing to each arm along with the caption “I don’t need a licence for these guns” – hilarious considering how scrawny my arms are.
As I creep up the stairs I do so in perfect silence. Luck is on my side because there are no creaky floorboards, nothing for me to knock over and I’m doing an excellent job of staying on my feet.
As I make my way along the corridor my bedroom is in my sights. Just a few more feet to creep and I’ll save myself a bollocking for waking everyone up.
As I open my bedroom door it allows just enough light into the room for me to see that there is a man in my bed. Shit, Leo must be waiting for me to finish what we started earlier. Poor bastard, he isn’t going to understand this sex ban, it’s going to seem like I’m rejecting him.
I quietly close the door behind me. As I make my way towards the bed, pulling off my T-shirt as I tiptoe across the pitch black room, I feel a cheeky smile spread across my face. My sister told me I couldn’t have sex, but she didn’t tell me that I couldn’t involve myself in sexual activities. I’ve found a loophole and I plan to exploit it – at least tonight, you know, so that Leo doesn’t take it personally when I explain why I can’t go all the way.
I climb in bed slowly and quietly before slipping my hand under the covers and into his pyjama pants – this will be a wake up he’ll never forget.
I know I must be doing a good job because Leo is moaning. The noises he is making are getting louder and louder. I take this as my cue to rip the covers off and get more into it, but I soon realise that these are not noises of pleasure he’s making, they are noises of pain, and they’re really loud now. Actually, they’re much louder than I realised because before I know it people are rushing into the room to see what’s wrong.
‘What’s the matter, darling?’ my sister asks anxiously as she flicks the light on. Oh crap, she’s going to see me bending the rules – and why would she call me darling?
Put it down to my reflexes being slower thanks to all the alcohol, but it is only as I see my sister and Leo both standing in the doorway that I quickly remove my hand from the pants of the person next to me. Please, God, don’t let it be Dan that I am in bed with.
My sister looks like she is about to explode with anger and Leo is just staring blankly at me. I’m not sure I need confirmation, but I look to my right and sure enough, a surprised and hurting Dan is looking back at me.
For a moment no one says anything, until…
‘Did you just give my fiancé a hand job?’ Belle asks calmly.
‘Princess, I swear I didn’t ask her to,’ Dan starts babbling, the little grass.
‘Shut up,’ she snaps. ‘I’m talking to Mia. Well, did you?’
I think about my words carefully for a moment because I wouldn’t want to not explain it properly and get thrown off the balcony by Bridezilla, but waiting only makes her look even angrier.
‘Mia,’ Leo prompts me.
‘I thought it was you,’ I blurt out to him. ‘I thought you were waiting for me to finish what we started earlier.’
‘Well that sex ban didn’t last long, did it?’ Belle snorts.
‘That technically wasn’t sex,’ I laugh sheepishly, but my sister is not amused. ‘What is Dan doing in my bed anyway?’
‘He was uncomfortable and stopping me from sleeping so I said he could have your bed,’ Belle explains. ‘I left you a note.’
My sister nods at my bedside table and sure enough there is a note there waiting for me. I pick it up and read it out loud.
‘Mia, I’m giving Dan your bed, you can sleep on one of the sofas in the living room. Annabelle.’
I look at my sister who is glaring at me.
‘So, let me get this straight, I’m supposed to sleep on a sofa from now on?’ I ask angrily.
‘Hardly as bad as having your fiancé sexually abused by your sister,’ she reasons. I imagine it would be a waste of my time to explain that she had already demoted me to the sofa before I inappropriately touched Dan.
‘Belle, listen, I’m really sorry,’ I tell her sincerely, because there’s no way I ever would have done this intentionally. ‘I didn’t turn the light on before I got in bed, so I didn’t see your note.’
‘Just grab what you need and go to the sofa,’ she demands as she picks up the T-shirt from my bedroom floor. As she holds it up in front of her she reads the caption out loud. ‘Whose shirt is this?’ she asks angrily.
‘It’s mine,’ I insist. ‘I sleep in it. Usually,’ I add.
‘Mia, it stinks of aftershave, so unless you’ve started sleeping in that too…’
‘Belle–’ I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.
‘Just go and sleep on the sofa and I’ll listen to your excuses when I feel less like killing you,’ she says quietly.
‘She can sleep in my bed,’ Leo, who has been quietly taking everything in until now, chimes in. ‘I’ll sleep on the floor.’
‘She doesn’t deserve your kindness,’ Belle says as she places a hand on Leo’s face. ‘I am so angry and so disgusted. I’ll deal with you tomorrow,’ she tells Dan before she goes off back to bed.
Poor Dan. Obviously I didn’t mean to do this, it was a horrible drunken lapse of judgement, but Dan really is entirely blameless. He didn’t even enjoy it, I think I might have hurt his back and if that gets any worse I’ll be in even more trouble.
‘Shall we?’ Leo asks, nodding towards the door. I nod my head sheepishly. ‘Sweet dreams,’ he says to Dan before leaving the room.
‘Goodnight, Dan,’ I say awkwardly. ‘Sorry again.’
***
Leo and I make the very short journey to his bedroom in silence.
‘I feel like I should explain but I’m not sure how,’ I say as I close the door behind me.
‘You don’t have to explain anything,’ Leo replies. ‘You take the bed, I’ll take the floor.’
I glance over at the king size bed.
‘You can’t sleep on the floor,’ I insist. ‘We’re both adults, right? We can just share the bed.’
Leo looks at the bed thoughtfully before looking back at me.
‘I promise not to molest you,’ I insist with a nervous laugh.
Just when I think I might have finally convinced him to join everyone else in hating me, Leo’s straight face dissolves into an amused smile.
‘I can’t believe that happened,’ he laughs. ‘How
did
that happen?’
I shrug my shoulders. I don’t have much drama in my life back in the States, I’m pretty laidback and – I like to think – effortlessly cool, but for some reason I am the worst possible version of myself when I am around my family – especially around Leo. I am incapable of being cool or sexy in his presence, I’m like a female porno version of Mr Bean.
‘I thought Dan was you,’ I insist again.
‘Don’t worry,’ Leo assures me. ‘Belle and I were actually having a chat about you when we heard the screams.’
‘It’s all lies,’ I joke as I take a seat on the bed. The worst thing is that the things she has said are probably mostly true. ‘I should have known she’d sit you down and try to put you off me.’
Leo takes a seat next to me.
‘Actually, I asked her if we could talk about you.’
I look at Leo for an explanation.
‘Before dinner your youngest cousin called me a bitch and then he told me that you tried to kill yourself.’
‘Josh,’ I say with a nod. ‘You know, I didn’t–’
‘I know, your sister already told me it was a misunderstanding. She also told me she’d slapped you with a sex ban, and do you know what? I thought she was being ridiculous, I couldn’t understand why she would feel the need to do that…
now
I understand why,’ he laughs.
‘I
am
going to do as she asks,’ I tell him honestly. ‘I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary, but I want to show Belle that I’m not trying to make her life difficult – so I’m going to do it.’
‘Good for you,’ Leo replies, followed by a few seconds of awkward silence, the two of us just sitting on the bed facing forwards.
Maybe I’m still drunk, but whether I meant to do it or not I have upset my sister and I need to put that right. If that means not having sex until I am back home then so be it. It’s not like it’s going to be difficult, is it?
Right on cue, Leo pulls off his shirt revealing that rock-hard fireman’s body I’ve been trying to forget he has.
‘I didn’t bring any pyjamas,’ Leo informs me.
‘My nightwear is in my room, but if I go and get it I’m worried Belle might think I’ve gone back for seconds.’
‘What about that T-shirt.’ Leo nods towards Chris’s top that is still in my hand.
‘Not mine,’ I reply, hoping that will be that. I could have pretended that it
is
mine, that I wear it as a joke, but it stinks of sweat and there is no conversation that will be more awkward than what would happen if I were to get in bed with Leo wearing a top that smells like man sweat and sea water.