“I just don’t know what to say to him.”
Riva recognized the truth in Terrell’s
speech, but she still couldn’t picture looking Benton in the eye
and telling him it was over. He could reply that her promises to
him clearly meant nothing. She would have no answer to that. She’d
promised to love him forever, not to love him until it stopped
being convenient. What about all the times she’d said she
appreciated the way he pushed her? If she broke up with him because
he’d been pushing her, wouldn’t she just be proving herself a
liar?
Terrell touched Riva’s shoulder. “You don’t
have to do this, you know. We could drive away. He’ll get the
picture eventually.”
She shook her head frantically. “That’s not
right. That’s not fair. I have to face him.”
“You tried to face him last night, but he
didn’t answer when you talked to him. Why do you think he’ll be
different about it today?”
“Terrell, I just have to do it like
this.”
“Then let me come with you. I don’t like the
idea of you alone in there with him.”
“Why does everyone think he’s dangerous?”
“Because he’s been hurting you.”
There it was: the stark truth Riva had been
avoiding. Feeling caught out, she met Terrell’s eyes and could see
that he knew how she felt.
“I know,” he said quietly. “You’ve been
telling yourself that he’s not hurting you because he never hit you
and you don’t think he would. But you’re a big girl. You know
people have plenty of ways to hurt each other that don’t involve
hitting anybody.”
“How are you so smart about that?”
“Every black man in the world knows that,”
Terrell said. “Believe me, I’ve had an education.”
Riva winced. She could only imagine what her
cousin had been through. Because a lot of people assumed she was
white, she’d heard what people said when they thought there was no
one around to object to it.
“I feel like such an idiot,” Riva
whispered.
“Lots of people fall in love with the wrong
person.”
Riva looked toward the door. Her heart
pounded at the thought of walking back into the room. She
was
afraid to be alone with Benton—talking to him affected
the way she saw the world. She’d feel sure of something on her own,
then change her mind after five minutes with him.
“If you come with me, you’re not going to
take over?”
“Only if I have to. I get that this is your
boyfriend, Riva. I’m not trying to treat you like a little
girl.”
“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “Will you
please come with me?”
He nodded slowly, respect in his eyes. “Sure
thing, cuz.”
They got out of the car. Terrell trailed a
few steps behind her. Riva raised her fist, then used it to tap
hesitantly on the door.
A few seconds later, the door flew open.
“Riva!”
Benton was in the same clothes he’d been
wearing the night before. She raised an eyebrow. He was normally
way too fastidious to suffer any lapse in fashion. The desperation
on his face surprised her. Benton always seemed so cool, as if he
tolerated being with her but had so many better options.
“Hi, Benton.” She imagined that fearless girl
he’d always wanted and tried to talk like her.
Benton moved to embrace her. Then his gaze
slid over to Terrell. “Who’s that? You’ve got a new boyfriend
already? You’ve been messing around with someone behind my
back?”
“That’s my cousin, Benton. Relax. He drove me
here.”
Benton cleared his throat, obviously trying
to collect himself. He held out a hand for Terrell to shake.
“Thanks for driving her here. I appreciate it.”
Terrell didn’t return the gesture.
Benton stared at him for a moment, then
dropped his hand. “Do you want a soda before you go?”
Riva stepped between the two of them.
“Actually, I asked him to come in with me. I need to talk to
you.”
“We can talk, Riva, but I don’t want to do it
in front of your cousin.”
She bit her lip. She was already feeling bad.
He didn’t even have to say anything to communicate what he was
thinking. Riva knew Benton was wondering why she was treating him
like a criminal. She felt a strong urge to apologize, but she did
know better than that.
At the same time, Riva didn’t quite have it
in her to respond with defiance. She went for a safe
explanation.
“I’m grounded,” Riva said. “My mom found out
that you’re down here visiting. The only way I’m allowed to see you
is if I bring Terrell.” That was actually true. Terrell’s
insistence that she tell her mom
had
helped. Even Benton
wouldn’t expect her to disobey her mom directly.
Benton glanced from Riva to Terrell and back.
Terrell nodded, backing up what Riva had said. Benton sighed.
“Well, that’s awkward. All right. Why don’t you guys come in?”
Riva nodded and led the way. It smelled close
in the room, stale with snack food and dirty laundry. Riva felt a
pang of embarrassment for having brought Daisy to this place at
all.
She sat in the same chair she’d been sobbing
in the night before. Terrell leaned against a table without sitting
down. Before seeing her cousin and Benton at the same time, she
hadn’t realized how big Terrell was. Benton was a tall, fit guy
himself, but Terrell made him look like a stick figure.
Riva shot an awkward smile toward Terrell,
wishing she could tell him to ease off the bodyguard act. That
would have embarrassed them all even more, so she kept her mouth
shut.
Benton sat on the bed. “Why haven’t you been
answering my texts?”
Riva blinked. She hadn’t checked her phone
since she’d hung up with her mom. She and Terrell had stayed up
late talking, and when they’d woken up in the morning, they’d
talked some more. He’d made them breakfast—and was surprisingly
good at it—before driving them to the motel.
“I’ve been thinking a lot,” she said.
“It would have been nice if you had done some
of that with me instead of on your own.”
Terrell stirred.
Great.
Now Riva was
aware of the things
two
boys wanted to say. She could
practically hear Terrell’s voice in her head.
Riva’s not allowed
to think by herself now?
She almost repeated the line to Benton, but
wasn’t this all about talking for herself? She didn’t need to say
Terrell’s lines for him any more than she needed to say Benton’s.
Riva searched for how
she
wanted to answer.
“Benton, I’m here now,” Riva said. “What did
you want to tell me?”
“I can’t in front of your cousin.”
She winced. “I’m sorry, but we don’t have a
choice. He’s got to stay.”
“So you want him knowing all our private
stuff?”
She glanced at Terrell. She’d already told
him plenty, but that didn’t make it comfortable to air things out
with Benton in front of him. “I trust him,” she said instead,
hedging.
“So you trust him to hear that I’m scared
you’re a lesbian?”
Riva was happy she’d already told Terrell all
about last night. What Benton had said had no power to embarrass
her since she’d already discussed that with Terrell in detail.
Besides, if that was the truth, it shouldn’t be embarrassing
anyway.
“I’m not,” she answered Benton simply. She
still wasn’t sure what she was, but she knew her attraction to
Benton had always been real and powerful.
“Why did you choose Daisy over me, then?”
Riva sighed. “I didn’t. I came back here and
sat for over an hour while you gave me the silent treatment.”
“I didn’t want to talk to you because you and
Daisy were acting like I was a rapist or something.”
That made Riva squirm. She felt bad about the
way she and Daisy had run out of there, but she also didn’t want to
totally give in to Benton’s view of the situation. Daisy had been
genuinely uncomfortable and freaked out.
“Benton, she didn’t want you touching
her.”
“And I backed off!”
Riva searched for courage she wasn’t sure she
had. “You sounded sort of like you were going to try to talk her
into it. That’s what Daisy thought you were going to do. I think
that made her nervous.”
“So now it’s not okay for me to talk to
someone? She’s here in my motel room, kissing you, and I can’t let
her know what I’m interested in?”
Terrell shifted again. Riva could tell he
wanted to say something, and Benton apparently noticed, too. He
focused on Terrell instead of Riva.
“You want to make a comment?”
Shaking his head slowly, Terrell replied, “I
promised Riva I’d try not to interfere. You’re lucky I did.”
Riva glared at them. “Stop it. Both of you.
Please.” She took a deep breath. “Benton, we can sit here for hours
and hash out every detail. You can try to embarrass me in front of
my cousin, or fight with my cousin, or whatever you’re trying to
do. That’s not the point, though, is it?”
“Oh? What’s the point?”
She knew what she had to say. She’d rehearsed
it in her mind all the way over in the car. She knew that as soon
as she said it she’d want to take it back, but she also knew she
needed to say it. “Benton, this isn’t working, is it?”
Argh.
She sounded tentative. She’d phrased her breakup declaration as a
question.
“This conversation? Yeah, it’s definitely not
working.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
His eyes widened. “Then what are you talking
about?”
Riva made a gesture that encompassed the
whole room. “This. Us.”
“You
are
a lesbian!”
“No.” Riva exhaled slowly. “I mean, whatever.
It doesn’t matter. That’s not why I’m doing this.”
What she was doing didn’t feel real. She felt
as if she was watching herself say the words. She had the urge to
break into inappropriate laughter.
“
You’re
the one who begged me to come
down and visit!
You’re
the one who said you didn’t want to
break up when you moved away.”
“I know,” Riva whispered.
“So that was all a joke, then? You’re just
out to humiliate me?”
“No.”
Terrell crossed his arms over his chest. “All
right, man. That’s enough. She told you what she wants to do.”
Benton jumped to his feet at that. He crossed
the room to Terrell and stood toe to toe with him. “Did you talk
her into this? Was this your idea?”
“I didn’t talk her into anything. But if
you’re looking for someone to blame, I’m guessing you’re the one
who talked her into it. I’ve only been here five minutes, and I’ve
heard you put her down more times than a woman should ever put up
with.”
“This is
none
of your business.”
Riva didn’t want the two of them fighting on
her behalf. She pulled the necklace Benton had given her out of her
pocket. She had never been comfortable with it, but now she could
see it for what it was—a physical form of the pressure he’d used on
her. She placed it on a side table, then got up and walked to the
door.
“No, Benton. It’s none of yours. Not
anymore.” She sounded tougher than she knew she could, but the
words had come out naturally. She nodded to Terrell, and the two of
them slipped back out into the parking lot before Benton could
respond.
* * * *
The moment Terrell Hubbard walked into the
restaurant where she worked, Jo knew fate had brought him there.
She claimed his table, put on a big smile, and walked over with a
menu.
She admired him on the way over. He was
gorgeous, everything she should enjoy about a guy. He was taller
than Declan, but just as toned, and he had a kind smile that she
could easily imagine turning mischievous.
“What are you doing here by yourself?” she
asked. “A guy like you shouldn’t have a problem getting a date on a
Friday night.”
Terrell slid a few inches in the booth,
getting closer to the wall. “I really like pho,” he said.
“Yeah? Then why haven’t I seen you
before?”
He shrugged, burying his head in the menu. “I
come here most Fridays.”
“Oh, that explains it. I usually don’t work
Fridays.”
“Right.” He laughed awkwardly. “I guess
that’s the reason.”
Jo frowned. She had plenty of practice
putting guys at ease, flattering them just the right amount, and
sprinkling in enough teasing that she didn’t come off desperate.
Terrell seemed nervous, though. It was hard to imagine the
Homecoming King being intimidated by her. Jo wondered what she was
doing wrong. Since the crying incident with Declan, she’d felt off.
Why was it so hard to get things back on track and go back to
having fun the way she’d been doing before?
“Anyway,” Terrell said. “I’ll take the number
six, extra large.”
She held back a whistle, impressed. Most guys
she’d met wouldn’t have eaten the full, authentic version of pho.
They would have gone for something watered down and less flavorful,
something described in the menu as containing only ingredients that
Americans found “safe.”
“You have good taste in food,” Jo said.
“I, um, tried all the Vietnamese restaurants
in the area. I think this one is the most authentic.”
If he’d been hitting on her, Jo would have
been put off. Way too many guys thought that the way to get an
Asian girl’s attention was to act superior about their knowledge of
her culture. Jo was pretty sure he wasn’t hitting on her, though,
and that he didn’t have an Asian fetish. She raised an eyebrow.
“What makes you say so?”
“It tastes like they make their
nước
mắm
here.”
Her eyebrows climbed higher. Not only did he
know the proper term for fish sauce, he’d pronounced it the right
way. “We do,” Jo said. “You know a lot about food, don’t you?”
He practically flinched when she said that.
Jo peered at him.
“That’s a compliment, you know.”