Riva couldn’t help laughing. “Well, what does
Casey say?”
“Uh, I guess if you don’t feel like you
want
to date anyone, then it’s too soon.”
“Well, I want to date Daisy. I think.”
“See, that’s the part that scares her. That
‘I think’ you put at the end.”
“Look, if she was a guy, I’d just date her
and see what happens. But I know how this is going to be at school.
There’s a girl named Iris who dated a girl for a while and now
she’s with a guy. Everyone wants to know if she was lying when she
was with the girl, or if she’s lying now. What if she’s not lying?
It’s like that doesn’t even occur to them.”
“You’re taking that personally. That’s what
people are saying about her, not you.”
“That’s what they’re going to be saying about
me.”
“You’ve already got an answer, though. You’re
saying that you liked Benton in the past and you like Daisy now,
and neither one is a lie.”
“That’s a lot longer than the answer people
are looking for. They want to hear ‘straight’ or ‘lesbian.’”
“You can tell them you don’t believe in
labels. You could say you’re attracted to human beings.”
“I read that celebrity gossip thing,
too.”
Casey sniffed and dropped a powerful ability
on a bunch of monsters. “So a famous person said that. Doesn’t make
it wrong.”
“I don’t know. I kind of
want
a label.
I don’t want to have to have a big conversation with everybody.
And…I think it would make Daisy feel better if I was calling myself
something.”
“She’s not going to like it if you give
yourself a label for her.”
“I’m not! If I was doing it just for her, I’d
call myself a lesbian and be done. That’s obviously what she’d
prefer to hear. I want a label for myself, I’m just also
considering her.”
“See, if you could have said it to her like
that she might have understood what you meant.”
Riva took a deep breath. “Well, hopefully,
there’ll be time for that.”
“So what’s your label?”
Riva heard a series of clicks over the
line.
“Are you queer? Bisexual? Pansexual? Fluid?
Omnisexual? Heteroflexible? Homoflexible?”
“Uh. Are you reading a list?”
“Yeah, make sure my character doesn’t die.”
Casey went on spouting terms.
“I haven’t even heard of half those
things.”
“Well, they’re all useful words for someone.”
She sighed. “If you didn’t already know this was complicated, this
would prove it. If ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ said it all, that’s all
there would be. Instead, there are dictionaries full of this stuff.
I’m pretty sure you can find some word you like.”
“I think I’m going to go with bisexual. That
means ‘attracted to both guys and girls,’ right? I mean, that’s the
truth. That’s what’s happened.”
“Okay. I’ll type your name into this registry
right here…”
“What?” Riva swiveled her head as if she
could see Casey from where she sat.
Casey giggled. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! You
just sounded so serious, like you had to pick this term that would
be with you all your life.”
“Well, it will be.”
“Yeah, I know. I just think if you decide
later that you prefer being called queer, that’s allowed. You know?
There
isn’t
a registry. That’s what I was trying to
say.”
“Okay. That’s a good point.
For now
,
I’m going to go with bisexual.”
“Awesome.
For now
, I’ll know that my
best friend might date a guy, or she might date a girl.”
Riva was grinning at her computer screen, and
it suddenly made her sad that Casey couldn’t see. “I really miss
you,” she said. “You make this all so much better. It’s like it
doesn’t even suck that it’s confusing.”
“I know. I miss you, too. I’m pretty sure I’d
be dead right now if I’d made that registry joke to anybody
else.”
“Well, you’re only still alive because I’m
really far away.”
They laughed some more.
“Seriously, Casey, what am I going to do
without you? I can’t introduce you to Daisy. Who’s going to tease
me about how I’m trying to impress her?”
“Well, don’t jump ahead. You have to convince
her to date you first. Pretty sure that’s going to be a
challenge.”
Riva snorted. “You’re mean,” she teased.
“I’m helping you. Making sure you don’t miss
me too much.”
“Totally not working.”
Casey’s breath filled Riva’s ears. “I don’t
know what to tell you. Maybe we’ll go to college somewhere close to
each other. Maybe you’ll find some other best friend. Maybe you’ll
make out with Daisy so much, you don’t miss me anymore.”
“How about we join that guild together and
spend all our time raiding?”
Casey laughed and led their characters into
the start of another quest. For the next couple of hours, they
messed around online and joked about things, and Riva felt almost
normal. When they broke the connection, Riva realized they’d never
figured out an answer. They were still separated, and they didn’t
have a plan for how to stay close despite the situation.
Maybe that wasn’t something they could plan
for, though. Riva had tried to hold onto Benton, and that had only
distorted her sense of what she wanted. Maybe she and Casey would
meet online and kill monsters for the rest of their lives, or maybe
they wouldn’t.
In the meantime, Riva had to do her best to
deal with things the way they were. She tasted the label they’d
picked out together.
“Bisexual,” she whispered into her room. She
thought she could live with that.
* * * *
“Where’s Jo tonight?”
Daisy cringed. She’d been waiting for that
question. She tried for a casual shrug. “She had to work.”
“That’s too bad,” her mom said. They were
making
pasteles en hoja de yuca
. Daisy, hands sticky with
butter and garlic powder, wrestled with a banana leaf, parchment
paper, and a string, trying to wrap the chicken pocket she had
made. Most of the time, she shared her mom’s facility with recipes,
but tonight she felt as if she had three hands and none of them
were the proper shape.
She was glad to be cooking with her mom,
though, even if Jo couldn’t be there. In some ways, it was nicer
without Jo, even if she felt guilty for thinking so. She liked
being able to speak Spanish, and the calm, quiet connection she
felt with her mom was a reassuring contrast to the fidgety giggles
she’d shared with Jo lately.
She looked up at her mom and smiled, and,
just like that, she knew what she had to say. “Can I talk to you
about something?”
Her mom nodded, and words poured out of
Daisy. It wasn’t a big announcement—despite the many times she’d
rehearsed it that way, it wasn’t the dramatic
“I’m gay”
of
I Can’t Think Straight
. Instead, talking to her mom about it
felt like carrying on a conversation they’d always been having.
Daisy talked about how she’d realized she
didn’t like boys the way Jo did.
“Not very many people like boys the way that
girl does,” her mom said.
“Yeah, but I’m really not interested.”
“I had an idea.”
“You did?”
Her mom shrugged, her palm full of a scoop of
chicken. “I saw the recommendations on that video website.”
Ice filled Daisy’s veins. “You saw that? I
deleted those!”
“When I saw that they were gone, I figured
you didn’t want to talk about it.”
“I wasn’t ready yet.”
“Come on. Stand over here. Wrap up the
pasteles
we’re not using with plastic. Real tight.”
Daisy did as she was told. The cooking ritual
made her feel safe, even when everything else was uncertain. She
wrapped, and her mom set up the water to simmer the
pasteles
they’d be eating that night.
“So you’re okay with it? You’re not upset?
You don’t have questions?”
Her mom took a deep breath. “I’m not upset
now, no. Your father and I talked about it after we noticed the
website.”
“You were upset at first.”
“I want your life to be easy.” The water
began to boil, and she turned down the heat and dropped in the
first few cassava-wrapped chicken pockets. She clicked her tongue
against her top teeth, then continued talking. “When your father
and I are out together holding hands, everyone smiles at us.
They’re happy for us. I think about you falling in love like we
have, going out, holding hands with that person, and having people
call you ugly names.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “It hurts
right here. More than I can say.”
Daisy set down what she was working on and
went over to her mom, wrapping her arms around her from behind.
“That’s the sweetest possible reason to be upset,” she said. “I’ll
be lucky if I fall in love like you and dad. If that happens, I
don’t think I’d mind being called a few names.”
“I would mind.” Her mother had tears in her
eyes.
Daisy kissed her cheek. “I can’t be different
because of that, though. You know that, right?”
Her mother nodded, and Daisy gently
disengaged.
“It’s already caused you trouble, hasn’t
it?”
Daisy cocked her head. “What do you
mean?”
“You and Jo.”
“How do you know that?”
“I spend every Friday night with you girls. I
can tell something’s wrong.”
The
pasteles
gave Daisy something to
do with her hands as she considered. “I don’t know. I only told her
last night. I don’t know if she took it well, but whatever was
going on last week, it wasn’t the same thing.”
“Mmm.”
Daisy couldn’t help grinning at her mother’s
obvious desire to contradict her. “What?” She flicked a piece of
cassava in her mother’s direction. Her mother caught it and flipped
it back at her.
“Your father doesn’t have to tell me what’s
wrong for me to know something’s wrong. You and Jo are close like
that.”
Daisy had to concede that point. “Okay. I
guess, even though we hadn’t talked about it, there were things in
the air.”
“Is she…? Is Jo…?” Her mother didn’t finish
either sentence—she only shook her head and continued cooking.
“I don’t have a crush on Jo,” Daisy said.
“Then I want to know if there’s someone.” She
wiped her hands on her apron decisively. “Being a lesbian doesn’t
give you an excuse to avoid the rules, you know. If you’re going to
date someone, we need to meet her.”
Daisy ducked her head, too late to escape her
mom’s notice.
“Look at that smile! There’s someone!” She
clucked her dismay.
“Maybe,” Daisy said. “No, don’t look at me
like that, I’m serious! I like someone, but I don’t know if she’s
ready to date me.”
“How could she not be ready? You’re the most
beautiful girl in school.”
Daisy rolled her eyes. “You’re biased.”
“I’m right.”
“I don’t know how to explain this. She just
broke up with someone. I figure it’s too soon for us to date.”
“Is that what she says?”
“No. That’s what I say.”
“Why? You don’t think you can compete with
the girl she was with before?”
“Well, she was with a guy before.” Daisy
finished the last of her wrapping and began loading the prepared
food into the freezer. “I’m just not sure if she knows what she
wants.”
“Invite her to dinner. You sound serious
enough about her that we should meet her.”
“That might intimidate her, mom.”
“If it scares her off, she’s not ready for
this family. Jo’s handled it just fine. You never know. If she
tries your food, she might realize she’d be a fool to let you
go.”
Daisy laughed. “I’m pretty sure that guy she
was dating never cooked for her.”
“How many times have I told you that my
cooking was the key to your father’s heart?”
“Only every time we’ve cooked together for my
entire life.”
Her mom handed her the first of the finished
pasteles
. “You’re a wise daughter. You see how it
works.”
Daisy took a careful bite, breathing in as
she did to cool off the heated chicken. She closed her eyes to
enjoy the spicy, savory flavors. “I’d fall in love with me over
this,” Daisy admitted.
“There you go. Invite her over.”
Daisy shook her head, but she was
grinning.
* * * *
“God, we haven’t done this in forever,” Jo
said.
She noticed Daisy wincing in the driver’s
seat and cringed in turn. Jo knew she’d been to the beach a bunch
of times with Riva Corley lately, but she hadn’t meant to rub that
in.
“I’m sorry,” Jo said. “I’m a terrible
friend.”
“Will you relax?” Daisy resorted to her
favorite move in an awkward moment—she rolled down the windows and
turned up the radio. Jo chuckled at how predictable it was.
Still, she played her part. She leaned toward
the wind rushing past and inhaled deeply, then turned back to Daisy
and grinned. “I smell…not school.”
“I smell school two days from now.”
Jo wrinkled her nose. “Well, your sense of
smell is better than mine. Unfortunately for you.”
“I’m sorry we haven’t done this lately, too,”
Daisy said after a minute.
The apology meant more to Jo than she’d
expected. She leaned back in her chair, enjoying the familiar
feeling of speed on a wide, smooth road. The sun soaked through the
windshield, giving her a preview of beach heat. “Thanks,” she said.
“I’m sorry I blew you off last night.”
“I’m just glad you texted this morning. I
didn’t know how much time you would need.”
Jo twisted her head toward Daisy. “I wish I
hadn’t needed any time at all. I shouldn’t have. I’m supposed to be
your best friend, and I know this is a big deal to you. The stuff
with Riva Corley, I mean. And being a lesbian. I shouldn’t have
been weird about you telling me that. And…I know I’ve said some
things…”