Authors: J. Jakee
"I've been calling you all day.” He sounded agitated.
I said nothing. I just groaned.
"Are you still at the hotel?"
"I'm here," I mumbled. "I was asleep. Now My face feels like I was kicked by a baby elephant."
"Let me move you outta there and take care of you." Silas had been offering his help since I checked in two nights ago.
I declined each request. I wanted to be alone. "Nothing the ibuprofen can't fix."
He fought. "Let me do what a man is supposed to do and take care you."
"You're not my man.”
There was silence. I thought he had hung up. Just as I was about to press the END button he spoke up. "I want to be your man. Allow me to be your man, Nola.”
"You don't want me. I have nothing and I am nothing.”
"Don't speak badly about yourself.”
"I feel robbed. My identity is gone… I don’t even know who I am. Dominic's life was taken from me. The opportunity to be a daddy’s girl was stolen before I grew a heart. My happiness has been snatched."
"You are still alive, and so is your real father. Dominic was never yours to begin with, and you were never happy."
"Goodbye, Silas.”
"No, hear me out. It's not too late to establish a relationship with Elton. Start that today. As far as Dominic goes, I know you called him your best friend but Im’ma be honest with you, Nola. He was your crutch. You were dependent on him. And the happiness you felt when he was alive, was actually his happiness borrowed. Now that he's gone, you can find out who you truly are. Every single day since Dom passed you have woken up and been given a chance to live and start over. I know you know what the bible says about new mercy. Take advantage of that, Nola."
When I hung up with Silas, I couldn’t get myself to fall back asleep. Too many thoughts were carousing in my mind. When the sun finally fell, and the moon lifted, I climbed out of bed and called Deaconess Michelle. Not only did she give me all the information I needed to reach Elton Camper, she helped me finish my New Member packet over the phone.
***
Deaconess Michelle didn’t lie when she said our walk with Christ wasn’t easy. It was the first day of August—Marley’s wedding day—and I knew that on this day I wasn’t walking with God at all. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have gone to the church. I would have been in the hotel room highlighting scriptures and taking notes, or praying to God that He take away the yearning I felt for Ronnie.—It crept up on me that morning, and I allowed it drive me to the overflow parking lot of Worship Way.
Temptation grabbed me by the ankles and had me sneaking into the church, dodging guests – of which a bunch of them were sorors. And finally, it lead me through the doors of Ronnie’s unlocked office.
“Thought I’d find you here.” I may have startled him. He was in the mirror adjusting his bow tie.
It wasn’t the look on his face, but how quickly he shut and locked the door that told me he was chary about me being in his office.
“What are you doing?” Ronnie looked at my clothes and sneakers. “Are you sick?”
I wasn’t dressed in wedding attire, just gym shorts, a black tank, and flat hair. His first time seeing me dressed down this way.
“I miss you.” I said impulsively. “My brother passed the day I last saw you. Ever since, if I wasn’t mourning him, I was missing you.”
“I am, truly, truly sorry for your lost. I empathized with you when I heard, and if you’re still mourning your brother, I promise I will have the church pray for you. But Nola, now isn’t the time for this. You need to go.” Ronnie glanced down at his Movado. “The ceremony starts in a couple of minutes. I’ll walk out first, and you just walk out a few minutes after me.”
“You didn’t miss me? You didn’t think about me?” I tried looking into his eyes for truth, but his eyes were shifty. “Our friendship... that didn’t mean anything?”
“Friendship shouldn’t have happened to begin with, Nola. It wasn’t my place, and I should’ve checked to see how Marley felt about it first. I apologize for my part of the confusion. Now, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m about to step out.”
I hurried and wedged myself between him and door. I took his face into my hands and brought it down to mine. “Why are you doing this?”
“Nola. Move.”
“Why...Why are you afraid to feel?”
His eyes locked with mine. That’s when I kissed him. Seconds into, I felt him kiss me back as his full lips pressed ardently against mine. I threw my arms around his neck, and he picked me up by my legs. My back against his door. Takes zero time to pull zippers and lace to the side. And he swiftly entered. We were panting heavily, sucking on each other’s lips, all self-control thrown out of the window. No cares were given.
And then he stopped. Gently let me down. Rubbed his head and shook it slowly. Just like that, the energy shifted from passion to shame, and we couldn’t look at each other.
“This is the last time,” he said.
I nodded.
“No more. For Marley’s sake and mine... No more.”
I nodded again.
He walked to his desk. His shoulder s slumped, his head hung low. “Excuse yourself,” he had his hands resting on his desk. “I gotta... I need to repent.”
I allowed myself out.
When I got back to my car, I spotted Marley climbing out of her limo. She looked absolutely stunning in her Pina Tornai gown and tiara. Her pregnant belly didn’t draw any attention away from the gown and all of its immaculate beading and tulle skirt and train. She was so beautiful that a tear escaped and crept down my cheek.
***
I crawled back into the hotel bed feeling even emptier than when I left. I buried my face into the pillow and covered my head with blankets, somewhat trying to shield myself from God’s conviction. When that didn’t work, I felt compelled to strip myself completely naked, and I fell to the ground. Cried. Begged. Cried and begged God for forgiveness and that I’d be given the chance to see the sun rise again, so I could try to live righteous.
About an hour later, I got up feeling even closer to God than I did the day before.
The next morning, I shifted uncomfortably in the pew. At first, I thought maybe Sharron told her pastor I was coming, and the pastor decided to preach for me. My palms grew sweaty, and my throat felt dry. It felt like she was talking about me. How else was it that in a sanctuary packed with people sitting shoulder to shoulder, that her pastor seemed to speaking directly to me about what I was currently going through? Then, I thought about it. Sharron had no idea I was coming. I had no idea I was coming. It was spur of the moment, and I was lucky enough to call her while she heading out of her door.
“Yeah, I’m on my way there now,” she sounded happy that I decided to visit. “I’ll text you the address and meet you in the parking lot!”
I picked up the bulletin and flipped to the page where that Sunday’s topic would be found… just to make sure. “
Let it Go—Ephesians 4:31-32
” I fanned myself with the bulletin after it was confirmed that Sharron hadn’t put in a request for me after all.
“God is waiting for you to realize that in order for you to come outta the storm you’re in right now, and in order for you to experience the fullness of His glory, you gotta get rid of your
stuff
! Touch five people and tell them to get rid of their
stuff
.” Everybody followed the pastor’s command—except for me, I sat stiff absorbing her teaching, hooked by her elocution. As about seven people touched my shoulder, I felt my heart race with each touch.
***
I slurped my iced tea until the cup and straw made that bottom of the cup slurping noise. “On the way here, I thought about what your pastor was preaching and I think I wanna sell all of my shoes, bags, and even a couple of dresses.”
Sharron side-eyed me while she chewed and swallowed FeliciTEA’s signature tuna melt. “I don’t think that’s what she meant by
getting rid of your stuff
, Nola.”
“I know exactly what she meant. Dropping resentment, bitterness, all that. But, this will be my fresh start. Some women cut their hair… I’m not doing that.”
Sharron laughed, “Well I guess it’s a good idea. Sell them on eBay and use the money to get outta that hotel.”
“And, when I go back to my room, I’m gonna write a letter to my parents… Twenty-nine pages for each year of my life that they screwed up and twenty-nine pages for each year Elton had to serve.”
“Stop. We don’t know for sure if your mom lied. Technically she didn’t confess.”
I flagged away her comment. “
Anyway
… I’m not ready to see or speak to either of them yet, but I do wanna let them know I’m trying to forgive... I’m letting it go.”
Sharron smiled and waved her hand. “Amen girl!”
“I’m gonna write a letter to Derrick, too. That’ll be an extensive one. You know what, I’ll even send a letter to Trav.”
Sharron’s eyes bulged.
“What the..? … WELL, LOOK AT GOD!”
"She's pregnant."
"Congratulations."
“It’s not mine.”
“Must be a Victor thing.”
"Her blood work came in yesterday." Derrick’s eyes were now bloodshot red and watery. "She's HIV positive."
I almost lost my balance. I turned around and rested the crown of my head against the counter above my sink. It was about eleven o’clock on a Saturday morning. I knew it had to be something when Derrick called to say he was paying me a visit to check out my new spot. I had been living in my place for about two weeks now. Not only didn't he help me move in, he had been ignoring my phone calls and text messages since Dom passed, nor had he acknowledged the letter I sent to his email. I knew he wasn't coming because he genuinely wanted to see me. I just didn't think whatever it was would be of this magnitude. I reached for my favorite wine glass while Derrick continued.
"What will I say to mom and dad?... If I am…how can I cover this up?"
I had no answers. Just poured my Riesling.
"I haven't touched Alicia since the last time I started seeing Miguel again. I... I have never been tested... I don't know if it happened during the first time we started seeing each other..." Derrick looked like he was conversing with my ceiling. "I have to get out this situation. I have to...to move... move us away."
Then he looked at me. "Nola, you can't let them know anything if they wonder why I'm gone."
I took a gulp.
"Say something. I'm in despair."
"I don't have anything to say. And, I don’t want anything to do with your drama.”
"You are so cold hearted. Always have been, always will be.” When Derrick fixed his lips to say something else, I stopped him.
"I don’t want your negative energy in my place. Get out, Derrick. Get out and while you’re at it go get tested."
Sharron was parking while Derrick was walking over to his Escalade. She watched him screech off, and then met me at my door with exuberant eyes.
“Was that your older brother? He is cuuuuuuuuute.”
“Girl you don’t want that. Trust me.” I grabbed the newspapers and circulars she was carrying, and she followed me inside so we could clip coupons, something she got me into during the month I lived as a hotel resident.
Not only did Sharron become my coupon partner in crime, she became my prayer partner as well. Since I felt awkward about worshipping in Worship Way after all that had went down, I had been visiting Sharron’s church instead. As a result, our friendship grew, and so did my relationship with Christ.
“I love what you’re doing with this place. It’s really coming together.” She plopped on the sofa. “Told you you’d make a killing off eBay!”
“Most of those shoes and bags needed to go anyway. Fresh start. New beginnings of a frugal lifestyle.” I sat the papers on the coffee table and moved a vase of multi-colored roses and a framed picture of Dominic that were sitting atop.
Sharron gushed, “Well! Those are beautiful.”
“Silas of course.” I gave Sharron the side eye. “I thought you weren’t into flowers.”
“I’m not, but girl, if this is something he always does, then it’s good to see that God has given you EXACTLY what you’ve always wanted.”
It was then that I remembered how much I longed for the kind of affection that Silas had been showering me all along. The flowers for absolutely any occasion, especially made-up ones. The phone calls just to hear my voice, the visits to shower me with attention. I was so distracted by the idea of having Ronnie that I hadn’t noticed this. On top that, just recently I sent him into friend-zone, without warning, after I vowed celibacy until marriage.
“So how you like it here so far?” Sharron busted into my train of thoughts.
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s cool I guess. Other than the small tub…. And, there’s always a few ants in the kitchen…. Oh, and, I hate that the cabinets behind the mirrors are so flimsy.”
She laughed. “That’s pretty normal for $750 a month. At least the neighborhood isn’t bad at all. You wouldn’t survive my hood.”
“This is true.” I felt blessed and knew that God was on my side when I found the apartment just less ten minutes down the road from my parents’ development. The complex was pretty quiet and mostly occupied with families who had small children and people who travelled for work often.
Sharron glanced down at the wrist watch. “Speaking of my neighborhood, I wanna take you somewhere when we finish this.”
***
While riding in the car with Sharron, I decided to shoot Silas a text. I wanted to see him. Talk to him about my revelation. I silently prayed that it wasn’t too late.
What if he had moved on… finally tired of me jerking his feelings around?
Me: Where are you?
Silas: Rehoboth. Why?
Me:I need to see you.
Silas: Would have to wait… fixing the beach house for Pastor.
***
“We’re here.”
Sharron turned off her car and hopped out. I followed her inside a recreation building. She gave me a quick a tour. There were two gyms, about four classrooms, an area for dance, locker rooms and bathrooms, and outside there was a pool. As we dipped in and out of each room, the middle to high school aged kids would swarm around Sharron, giving her hugs, high-fives, updating her on their eventful week, and so forth. I stood off to the side in awe. They loved her. I could see it on their faces, and from the way she interacted with them, I could see that each and every one of those children held a special place in her heart. After the tour and introductions to the other staff, we walked back to the front desk.
“So this is my job. The RFTS Club.” Sharron handed me their brochure. “Reach For The Stars Club. It’s a place for where the education, talents, and self-esteem of troubled youth could be enriched, embraced, and empowered. How you like it?”
“I love it. I think it’s perfect.” I flipped through the brochure thinking about how cool it would have been for Dominic to have a place like this to retreat to and socialize. There were plenty of schools for people with neurodevelopmental disorders, but there were hardly any recreational clubs for them.
“I’m glad you love it, because it’s mine.” Sharron smiled big.
“Really?” I playfully slapped her on the shoulder with the brochure. “That’s amazing, girl!”
“It was my mother’s first, but she passed earlier this year and left it to me. I wanna open more in different cities and states.”
“Go for it!”
“That’s not all I want… I want us to do it together. I’m offering you part ownership.”
My eyes bulged. “Is this a prank?”
“Absolutely not! Follow me.” Sharron led me into an office that was behind the front desk.
Her office
. There were two desks—hers which was decorated with tons of pictures, and miniature plants. The other desk was completely bare aside from the desktop computer. We sat at her desk and she began presenting me with her business plans. The more she spoke, the more I grew convinced that this wasn’t a prank. In fact, her tone of voice changed and she even sounded professional. She was a true boss, although she was dressed in yoga pants, a t-shirt, and sneakers, and I never knew it. “I have ideas, Nola - BIG ideas that keep me up at night. And, I want you to help me.”
“Why me? We just reunited. And, anyway you’ve seen with your own eyes how financially irresponsible I used to be. Why would you trust me?”
“Okay, two reasons.” Sharron folded her hands on top of her desk and looked directly into my eyes. “The first one because I want to. I told you, you blessed me, and I’m gonna bless you. The second reason is because God said so. You see that desk over there. I bought it knowing exactly the kind of person I wanted to fill that seat. She has sincere passion for the misunderstood and challenged. She can see the beauty, strength, and intelligence within them that most cannot. She’s patient with them, deeply compassionate… does this sound like anyone you know?”
I nodded. My body grew chills… But pleasant chills… The chills you get when things began to make sense and dots connect, and the picture becomes clear.
Sharron continued, “Well, I had no idea
WHO
this person was going to be so I held about thirty interviews until I finally gave up. I got so frustrated and handed it over to God. I prayed myself to sleep that night, and the next morning the Holy Spirit laid it on my heart to relax, take a drive, and treat myself to the finest cup of tea. When have you ever seen me with a cup of FeliciTEA’s?”
I laughed. “Never.”
“When I saw you sitting there, I thought it could be God sent. When we chatted, and from the way you spoke about Dominic, I knew so. That passion you had for Dominic could very well be your calling.” Sharron opened her hands. “I believe that this is for you. I believe that everything…
everything
… that you have gone through within the past couple of years, up until now, was designed by God to bring you where you are today. The same goes for me, too.”
“I was such a train wreck.”
“Me too!”
I smiled. “He’s putting us on the right track.” I closed my eyes. I could see and hear Dominic telling me to
Push hard. Pull hard. Chug hard, like a train
. I opened my eyes.
“I wanna do it… just let me pray about it.”