Beyond Broken (12 page)

I wanted to ask who she was, why she was there in the first place, or why she’d imply that she had been with him all weekend. But as the words bubbled up to my tongue, I pressed my lips together, unwilling to speak them. I was trying to distance myself, at least emotionally. Asking questions like that would only betray how deep my feelings had grown. I didn’t want that.

I waited. My body humming with tension as I sensed a shift, an anticipation for something I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

“I’m sorry, because I… Sophia…” He turned back to me and implored me with his eyes. “Because I want… you. And I’m nowhere near deserving, and I only proved that when I saw a moment of weakness in your strength and took full advantage. I’m not sorry I kissed you, not in the slightest.” He shook his head but never let his gaze wander from mine. “But I wasn’t patient. I only thought of myself and put you in a bad position. For that I’m sorry. And… I wish I were… more.” He shook his head and turned toward the window, cursing in a whisper that I almost didn’t hear.

“More?” I asked, a catch in my breath.

“Much more. You deserve more than me. I’m broken, Sophia, and I don’t know how to fix my damn self. I’m taking all the right steps but you know… it just doesn’t seem…”

“Enough?” I finished. My heart was pounding.

“Yeah, enough. And I’m afraid nothing ever will be… then where will I be? You know?” He glanced back to me. “It’s… humbling, and I’m not accustomed to that type of feeling.” He shrugged a shoulder and gave me a lop-sided grin that didn’t reach his piercing gray gaze.

“What if… what if you’re not made to do it on your own… were never meant to?” I said, struggling to keep the hesitation out of my tone.

“Then I’d say that would make a hell of a lot of sense.” He shook his head. “But then it’s even more hopeless than I originally thought.”

“What if… Greyson…what do you know about love?”

“Love?” He turned toward me, clearly not expecting the direction of my question.

I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, love. Not, um, physical love but unconditional love, sacrificial love, the kind that is self-less rather than selfish.”

He gave a humorless laugh. “Not much. You learn real young that most people are only interested in how you’ll benefit them, how they can exploit you when you are born into money. My own father did the same thing. I don’t know anything about that type of love.” He shook his head almost angrily.

“I see… It’s rare. But what if you already had it and didn’t know? What if you had always had it but were never told about it?” I took a step closer to him.

“Then I’d say whoever loved me like that had a pretty shitty way of showing it.” He raised an eyebrow.

“What if you never were taught how to look?”

“Huh? What do you mean? Seriously, Sophia, I’m really lost here.” He turned toward me fully and exhaled a frustrated breath.

“God is always there, Greyson. His love is unchanging, unwavering in spite of all your faults, my faults, and the depth of our brokenness. It’s not daunting to Him, or frustrating… our inadequacies. Rather He takes us when we are broken, and lovingly gives us the strength to grow through it and heal. We can’t heal ourselves, we can try but in the end, it’s like you said, it’s not enough.”

“I don’t want to offend you, Sophia, but I’m… not so sure about that. First, it seems too easy and if it were easy, then more people would do it. You know? Second, just because you believe something, doesn’t make it real. It’s a great idea, but practically? It’s not feasible, not concrete. I mean, what’s in it for God?” He shrugged in a relaxed manner but his expression was still focused, intense as if he really wanted a solid answer to prove him wrong.

It was a struggle to find an answer, one that would make sense. Thought it hurt for him to easily dismiss what I was trying to say, I reminded myself that faith in anything was a huge step for anyone. With a deep breath I began to explain, praying my words made some sense because I felt over my head.

“When you love someone, love something, that means that it has value to you, you desire it. That’s how God feels about us. About you. He doesn’t want you to fight the monster of your addiction on your own, he wants to be your strength. That is love. That is what’s in it for God. You, Greyson.”

He waited, studying me. “You really believe that, don’t you?” he asked after a moment.

“Yes.” I had never felt more confident in my own convictions.

“Then maybe someday I will too… I appreciate you telling me, opening up. I just… can’t.” His gaze went to the window.

“I guess that answers your second question,” I said softly.

“Hmm?” He twisted to me again, confusion painted across his face.

“You said that if it were that easy, then more people to would do it. It’s not easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is, Greyson. All things of worth take time, patience, determination, and love. Persistence and gratitude. Nothing worth having comes without a price.”

He didn’t answer for a moment, but gazed off to the right and chewed his lower lip, as if processing my words. “You’re right,” he whispered softly, his expression unsure and almost sad.

After waiting a moment I released the breath I just realized I was holding. I began to walk away from Greyson, knowing he needed time to think. After collecting my ipad I headed for the door.

“Sophia?” Greyson called and I glanced back.

He was jogging toward me.

“Yes?” I tried to mute my physical reaction to the way his lithe body moved across the shrinking expanse between us.

“I want to do this right, you deserve for me to do it right,” he whispered the words but his voice was clear.

“Do what right?” I asked breathlessly as he inched closer. Inhaling the masculine spicy scent that belonged only to him, I felt myself sway forward, greedy for more.

“I want you, Sophia. I’m not sure how to do this the right way but I’m sure as hell going to try. I just thought it was… fair to let you know.” He reached down and grasped my hand with his warm one, rubbing his thumb over my wrist and sending delightful shivers up my arm and down the rest of my body.

“Fair?” I tripped over the word. All I wanted to do was kiss him, taste his flavor once more. Why, oh why, couldn’t I ever learn?

“Fair. Because I’m going to chase you, capture you, Sophia. I’m giving you fair warning so that you can run…but regardless, I’m telling you I’ll catch you,” he murmured, his gaze trailing from my eyes to my lips.

The intensity of his expression was as fiery as a touch.

“You want me to run?” The words came out in a husky whisper I barely recognized as my own.

“No, I
want
you to make it easy on me, but you were right earlier. Nothing of worth, nothing worth having is easy to attain. That especially includes you. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure you know it. And that in the end… you’re mine.” He said the last words softly, against the corner of my mouth. Then brushed his lips across my own, just a feather of a kiss, as if sealing his vow.

Everything within me ached for more. Though I knew I should push him away, run into the safety of the hall and my common sense, I didn’t. Rather I savored the moment, remembering his flavor and the way his breath tickled my skin. In that moment I surrendered. Only Greyson existed, blocking out everything else like a solar eclipse.

The heat from his lips, however fleeting, was electrifying and I trembled with hunger, but he took a step back, his eyes dancing with barely restrained fire. “Goodnight, Sophia.” He nodded and backed away slowly, as if forcing himself to keep away from me, when it was the last thing he wanted.

“Goodnight, Greyson,” I whispered, still lost in all that had taken place. In a daze I left, clutching my iPad tightly as I walked down the hall to clock out.

On the way home I replayed our conversation, our hint of a kiss over and over, reliving each moment and shifting between wondering if I was doing the right thing, to being tempted to toss all caution to the wind and just allowing myself to be caught in the whirlwind that was Greyson Bentley. The tug-of-war between my head and heart raged unchecked.

Tempted was the perfect word. Because in the end, my mind won out, reminding me that should be the last kiss. Unless Greyson gave his brokenness to God, I could never let it go further. Not because God wouldn’t let me, but because in His love, He was protecting me from disaster. Because Greyson himself had spoken the truth; he had no idea what that type of love looked like… and I could never accept, never live with anything less.

If only I could remember my convictions when I was around Greyson, then I’d maybe have a chance at surviving without a broken heart.

Chapter Nine

“How did it go?” Bekah was sitting cross-legged on the couch, looking ready to pounce. She’d obviously been waiting for me.

“How long have you been there?” I asked as I tossed my purse in the closet.

“Long enough to be impatient.” She shot back with a small smile.

“It went… well.”

“That’s it, that’s all you’ll give me. Seriously? I will so—”

“No, okay, sit down. Simmer! Sheesh! It was awkward at first. Especially since I met a woman coming from his room.” I gave Bekah a sideways glance.

“Woman, as in little old grandmother, or hoochie mama?”

“Hoochie.” I leaned back on the couch.

“Crap.”

“Yeah… Greyson later told me that nothing had happened, that he hadn’t even touched her, let alone kiss or sleep with her but…”

“Wait… Greyson? No… Okay. Hold on here. Please tell me that we’re
not
talking about Greyson Bentley, the billionaire bad boy that’s been ‘on holiday’ for the past few weeks from his Fortune 500 company… the one I haven’t seen in a supermarket tabloid for weeks… the one that
usually
is on the front page of all of them…” Bekah’s voice continued to get high pitched as she shifted to spear me with a warning gaze. “Wait… Is
that
why you asked me a while ago if I had ever heard of him? Holy crap.” She sunk back into the couch, a dazed expression on her face.

“I can’t really say…” I hedged, cursing myself for the slip-up.

“No wonder you’re in knots.” Bekah exhaled deeply.

“Well…” I tried to steer the conversation back.

“Well?” She turned to me and blew her bangs from her forehead.

“Well, I did what you said. What I already knew I needed to do but was really too chicken to do. I told him about me, what I believe.”

“Woo hoo! I knew you could do it. How did he respond?” She sat up and tucked a leg under her rump.

“Well. He asked a lot of questions but isn’t sure he’s ready for that step.”

“Understandable. It’s difficult for most people. The idea of not being in control of your own life is scary. Lots of people don’t see it as a blessing but as if they will immediately spiral out of control like a plane without a pilot… rather than realize the truth. That’s exactly what is going on. There’s no pilot ‘til God takes over.”

“Yeah. I know. He… Gr-Greyson also said that he was going to chase me… that he wanted me.”

“Whoa… okay. Back up. How did that all come about?”

I explained to Bekah all Greyson had said. Her eyes grew wider by the second.

“That’s possibly one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard.” She sighed and leaned back.

“I know… but—”

“But it isn’t enough to be romantic.”

“Nope… as much as I really want it to be right now,” I lamented, covering my face with a pillow.

“It would never work, you know that right? It’s not that he’s not good enough, it’s nothing to do with his past or even where he is now… it’s that he’d never be able to love you the way you need, Soph. Not unless he learns about love from God, the one who made it.”

“I know… it sucks though.”

“I’m sure it does… But Greyson…” She lifted an eyebrow. “He knows where you stand. If he loves you, he’ll not push you to where you can’t go. And that’s the first step in realizing real love… putting someone else before yourself.”

“You’re right.” I pulled the pillow away and glanced at her. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. It’s what roommates are for… keeping their buddies away from celebrity bad boys intent on stealing their virtue.” She teased and stood, just barely missing the pillow I launched at her.

“He’s not trying to steal my virtue.” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh, he is… one kiss at a time,” she teased and walked to the kitchen. “Hungry?”

“As long as we’re not having salad,” I called back.

“You need your rabbit food,” Bekah sing-songed from the kitchen.

“I need protein,” I called back, standing.

“You need both,” Bekah corrected and pulled out some stuff from the fridge.

“Fine.” I laughed and flopped back in my seat.

Later that night as I lay in bed I tried to think of anything but Greyson’s words, his soft kiss… but that was the last thing I thought of before sleep captured me. It was also the first thing I was thinking of when I woke up.

Today was going to be interesting.

****

On my way to Greyson’s room, I started the process of logging into my iPad while I walked. As I turned the corner I slammed into a hard chest, knocking me backward.

“Oh!” I gasped and fumbled the iPad until I caught it. Two warm hands grasped my shoulders and steadied me.

“Easy, killer. Trying to take out the unsuspecting patients?” Greyson’s voice flowed over me like warm spring water, comforting and enticing all at the same time.

“Sorry, I wasn’t — I mean, I didn’t see you.”

“I figured that out.” He chuckled, but didn’t move his hands from their gentle grip on my shoulders. The heat from his palms seemed to increase, his touch making me more aware of his presence.

Unsteady, I glanced up into his sparkling gaze. As always, it was as if he saw deeper than what I wanted, reading my heart. I swallowed and glanced down, trying to remember why I needed to keep him at arm’s length. But of course, my fuzzy brain couldn’t remember any reason.

“How — how are you? I was on my way to your room—”