Authors: Josephine Cox
With her heart beating ten to the dozen, she went forward.
She hesitated for a moment. Was she doing the right thing in coming here? How would they greet her?
She tapped on the door.
When there came no reply, she tapped again a little louder, until Nancy emerged from the kitchen at the end of the passage. ‘Hold yer horses…I’m on my way!’
Wiping her wet hands on her pinnie, she came forward, a ready smile on her face. When she saw who it was, her ready smile quickly faded. ‘Good Lord! Alice! What are you doing here?’ There was no welcome, no acknowledgement of past friendship.
‘I need to talk with you, Nancy.’ Alice nervously clutched the flowers. ‘Please, Nancy…a minute, that’s all?’
Nancy gave no answer, but constantly glanced behind her. Alice held out the flowers. ‘Please, Nancy. I just need a minute or two, that’s all I ask.’
‘Then you ask too much!’ Growing increasingly nervous, Nancy seemed not to notice the flowers. ‘Look, Alice…I can’t ask you in. I’ve nothing to say to you. Go away. I don’t want no trouble.’
She cast her gaze over Alice. ‘You ought to be at home with your grandparents.’ She spoke sternly, ‘Please, Alice! For all our sakes, go away. Before he sees you.’
‘I can’t go away, Nancy.’ Alice had not forgotten the reason that drove her here. ‘I’m not here to cause trouble,’ she promised. ‘I’m here because I’m worried about Joe. No one will
tell me where he is, and I can’t rest. I know he’s in a hospital somewhere, and it’s all my fault, but I love him, Nancy, I really do.’
In a sudden move that startled Alice, Nancy grabbed hold of her. Without a word, she ran her away from the house and down towards the barn, where she quickly shoved her inside. ‘Look at the state of you!’ she gestured to Alice’s torn feet and general state of chaos. ‘Good grief, girl, are you trying to put yourself back in hospital, or what?’
Taking the flowers from Alice’s hands, she laid them on a hay bale, and began brushing the leaves and debris from Alice’s skirt.
Plucking the bracken from Alice’s hair, she continued to warn her, ‘You should not be here! You should not even be out on your own. You must know how bad things have been for us. Tom is in a bit of a state. Look, just take yourself off home.’
‘It’s too bloody late for all that!’
Tom was making his way towards them. ‘Have you no shame? Is there no decency in you?’
When he took a step forward, fists clenched and his face set hard, Nancy feared his intention. Skilfully, she stepped between them. ‘Leave it, Tom! We don’t want you doing something you might regret!’
Her voice was stern, her manner formidable. ‘Go back to the house. I’ll deal with this.’
In all the years they had been married, Nancy had never known her husband raise an angry voice to her, but he raised it now, and it shocked her. ‘I WANT HER OUT OF HERE!’
In a controlled voice he told Nancy, ‘If you’re so fond of the little hussy, then you’re welcome to pack your bags and go with her!’
Taking hold of Alice by the shoulders, he held her in front
of him, his face not an inch from hers; his deep sadness written in his eyes.
In a low, broken voice, he demanded, ‘Have you any idea, what you’ve done to this family. Oh, I’m not saying Joe was innocent in all of this, and Frank neither.’ His fingers dug hard into her shoulders. ‘What you did might seem like a game to you, so what d’you care if your shameful behaviour has ruined all our lives. This was a peaceful, happy home, and now me and my wife can’t even speak civil to each other. We’ve lost it all, d’you see?’
He leaned closer, his voice almost inaudible, as though he was talking to himself. ‘Everything’s gone wrong! One minute we’re all under the same roof, a family together at last. Then suddenly it’s all snatched away. I’ve got one son fighting for his life in hospital…and even if he gets through it, he may never walk again!’
Viciously thrusting her away, he went on angrily, ‘As for his brother, he could be anywhere! Probably on the other side of the world for all I know…running scared, knowing that when they catch up with him, he could face a lifetime in prison.
And all because of you!
’
He paused, and when he now spoke it was in a deliberate manner, as he drove home every devastating word. ‘No wonder Joe hates you,’ he growled. ‘He can see how wrong he was, and now he’s broken and crippled, and he never in his life wants to see you again. That’s what he said. And he meant every word!’
‘Tom…please…’ Nancy had never seen her husband like this, and it frightened her.
‘So! Get away from here! Leave us be!’ Alice was shocked when he grabbed her by the arms. ‘Don’t try pleading with me, because I know what you are. You’re a hussy, that’s what you are. A bad apple, rotten right through.’
Dropping his voice to a harsh whisper he told her, ‘I don’t
want to hear how sorry you are, because sorry means nothing to me. D’you hear what I’m saying, Alice Jacobs?’ He deliberately used her maiden name. ‘Being sorry will never be enough!’
Tightening his hold, he roughly marched her towards the barn door, startled when Nancy called out, ‘No, Tom! Please don’t hurt her.’
Frantic, Nancy ran between them. ‘For God’s sake, Tom…Alice is carrying our grandchild!’
‘Don’t give me that!’ Visibly shocked, Tom took a step back. ‘She’s lying. She would say anything to get her claws into this family again!’
Alice couldn’t help but fleetingly wonder how Nancy had discovered the truth, but whispers spread fast and eventually the truth will out and she was glad, because now she knew exactly what she must do.
Since being told about the babies, she had been troubled and confused about whether she should keep them, or end the pregnancy. Now though, her mind was suddenly clear. The decision was made, and because of it, her heart was easier.
‘I didn’t know,’ she told them quietly. ‘They only told me the day I was leaving hospital.’
For a moment the silence was deafening.
Looking from one to the other, Tom smiled, a slow, hesitant smile that never reached his eyes. ‘You’re a liar!’ He addressed Alice shakily, ‘I don’t believe one word of what you say, and even if you were telling the truth, I wouldn’t care one way or the other, because it would not belong to this family, and neither do you. You never have, and you never will!’
Looking her in the eye, he leaned forward. ‘You were the worst thing that ever happened to us. You split my family. You hurt my two sons, and left them broken. You’ve driven me and
mine out of our home and off the land that I’ve worked since I was a boy.’
The emotion flooded his face, as he went on. ‘Inch by inch, mile by mile, we gave blood, sweat and tears to the very land we’re standing on now. Me, and my father before me.’
When Alice opened her mouth to ask how she could have done such a thing, he placed his finger so tightly against her lips, she felt them go numb. ‘You were not the only visitor here today,’ he revealed. ‘There was another visitor besides you. And
neither
of you brought good news to this house.’
As he went on, his face began to crumple, and now the bitter tears flowed down the narrow crevices in his sad old face. ‘Your sort would never understand.’
‘I
do
understand!’ she protested. ‘I’ve seen for myself how much you love this land, and I know it would break your heart if you were to lose it.’
He smiled, a sad smile that touched her deeply. ‘No,’ he whispered. ‘You can’t understand;
nobody
can. Y’see, the land is like a person. When it becomes neglected, it starts to die, and when it dies, the man who spent his life caring for it, well, he also dies a little…’ Making a fist, he thumped his chest. ‘In here!’
His sadness was overwhelming, as he addressed Alice in a broken voice, ‘With my boys gone, there’s no one to work the land. I’m too old and useless, and Jimmy can’t carry it on his own. I can’t afford to pay for outside labour, and now the landlord wants us out, so’s he can replace me with some fancy townie. Someone with new-fangled ideas. Someone who can rip out the hedges to make bigger fields, in order to produce bigger crops. Someone who would modernise and force the land to produce more than it can yield. But I only own a small part of it, and that will never be enough to sustain us. The landlord is a good man, but he has the last word and wants
us out, and because of what you did, he’s got his chance. And I for one will never forgive you for it.’
Alice was distraught. ‘He can’t just kick you out! You must have rights. He can’t do this!’
‘Shows how little you know.’
Casting her a disdainful glance he told her again, ‘The landlord claims I’m not able to sustain my position and he’s right. So, you’ll be pleased to know that I’m finished. We’re
all
finished, you’ve seen to that!’ With his anger rising again he took her by the shoulders and shook her hard. ‘Don’t you ever tell me you understand, because you never will!’
Alice pleaded with him. She told him that she never meant for any of this to happen, but while she pleaded, Tom stopped listening.
With Nancy looking on, her face raw with grief, he turned his gaze to the door, looking across the magnificent sweep of land that he had proudly tended for all these years.
His heart and soul were alive with memories, of when he was a young man striding the fields with his father; each of them fired with the love of this beautiful place.
‘I was never so fortunate,’ he murmured, keeping his gaze to the land. ‘Unlike you and yours, I never had much land of my own. Never had the means, y’see.’
He gave a quiet little smile. ‘Show me a farmer who’s rich, and I’ll show you a speculator; a man who never sets foot on the land itself; a man who looks at the fields from a distance. In his cold, calculating mind, he sees a crop of money.’
His smile grew wistful. ‘The farmer on the other hand, who lovingly cradles that same land through drought and blizzard…he sees only the beauty in the golden swathes of a crop of wheat, or the endless drift of well-kept pasture, where every cow is known by name. And in springtime, the newborn lambs prance and play to their hearts’ delight. They have a full and satisfied life, like the farmer who cares for them.’
When he now raised his gaze to her, Alice realised how all the fight was gone from him. ‘Beauty, and continuity,’ he said. ‘
That’s
what the farmer sees, and that’s why he pours his very soul into keeping the land content, because when the land is content, then so is he.’
For a moment he was silent, living his memories, thanking the Lord for the life he had lived, but regretting this day, when it would all come to an end. ‘I spent my life toiling other folks’ land,’ he finished. ‘When we came here, the land was all used up and drained. We breathed life into it…me and my father, and my sons after me. Since then, I’ve watched the seasons come and go, and I’ve been more content than any man has a right to be.’
He scowled. ‘But no more, thanks to you, I’ve lost the sons who worked alongside me, and the land that gave me everything. There are no crops to plan for. No money to be earned, and no one to help.’
As he went on, Nancy could be heard quietly sobbing in the background, and when Alice started over to her, Tom drew her back. ‘Leave her be!’ he warned. ‘Thanks to you, we’ve been given our marching orders. Our lives as we knew it, are over. That’s what you did to us, Alice Jacobs. We never had a slut in the family before, and you’re not wanted here, not now. Not ever!’
His anger knew no bounds as he forced her out the door; even when she fell to her knees, he could find no forgiveness in his heart.
When Nancy ran forward to help, he snatched hold of her and held her back, his thoughts in chaos as he strode angrily to the cottage; that same delightful home where he had always found shelter and security. Not now though. Because now he was being forced to leave it behind. His family, and his world was falling apart.
Broken in spirit, Alice watched them go; that dear homely
woman, and this haunted man who was almost unrecognisable as the proud and gentle soul who had welcomed her into the family. Her heart ached because of all she had done to them.
Alice took a moment to catch her breath against the back wall of the barn. Her mind was in chaos.
She felt emotionally battered and hopelessly lost, and all she could remember were Tom’s bitter accusations of how she had destroyed the only things he had ever loved; his family, and his home.
And now he had no work, no help, and soon, no home.
He had blamed her for all these things, and even in her wildest nightmares, she had not realised how deep the tragedy had gone. It wasn’t just her and Joe, or even Frank.
It was all her fault.
All her fault! Dear God what had she done? How could she ever put it right?
When she got up to leave a short time later, she could hear them inside the cottage, loudly arguing; something she had never witnessed between these two kindly people before.
‘How do you know she’s with child?’ Tom demanded to know. ‘She could be lying, and you’re soft enough to believe her!’
‘It’s true, I’m telling you!’ Alice could hear Nancy saying that she’d bumped into Mandy’s mother at the shops. ‘Apparently, Mandy accidentally let it slip and made her mother promise not to tell anyone, but you know what her mother’s like. She’s a nice enough soul, but she can’t help having a loose tongue.’
‘No matter!’ Tom retaliated. ‘It’s none of our business. Do you hear me, woman? I don’t want to hear any more about Alice Jacobs or the bastard she’s carrying!’
‘You can’t blame Alice for everything,’ Nancy yelled back at him. ‘It takes two to make a baby, or are you saying she got
herself
pregnant?’
‘I don’t give a bugger who made her pregnant! For all we
know, it could be the butcher’s bastard, or any other young man she may have taken a fancy to.’
‘Don’t talk nonsense, Tom. Calm yourself.’
Alice could see Nancy was concerned for Tom’s health. ‘You’ll give yourself a heart attack if you don’t stop all this shouting and yelling…getting all worked up. Carry on like this, and before you know it, you could be lying in the Luton and Dunstable alongside your son. Sit down, man! I’ll make us a cuppa, then we can talk sensibly about what to do.’