Authors: Josephine Cox
‘Think about it, Alice!’ she urged. ‘You have to let them go, or it could mean a lifetime of unhappiness, hard questions with no answers, and a good deal of misery for all three of you. Besides, if you had the babies, it would mean you would never be free of Frank.’
Alice had thought of all that, over and over, until she could think no more. ‘There might be a way of knowing who the father is,’ she said now. ‘There must be some test they can do that will confirm whether Joe or Frank is their rightful father.’
‘No, Alice, it still won’t do! Think about it. Say they could do a test. Say they discovered that
Frank
was the father, how do you think the children would feel, once they knew what he did to you and Joe, not to mention his own father? Oh, and don’t delude yourself that they will never know the truth, because they
will
find out, you can count on it!’
In her desperation to convince Alice, Mandy believed she might have to be cruel to be kind, so she left no stone unturned as she went on, ‘If you decide to tell them everything, it could backfire. They could turn on you.’
‘Maybe they would, but then it would only be what I deserve.’
‘There are other things to consider as well, Alice.’
Mandy pushed her argument. ‘What if it was proven somehow that Joe was the father? What makes you think they would accept
him, any more than they would accept Frank? Once they knew the whole truth, how do you think they might cope; two innocents, brought into a world of lies and deception.’
She went on relentlessly, hoping that Alice might realise the danger of going ahead with the pregnancy.
With everything Mandy said, Alice felt her heart and her hopes sink. ‘You’re painting the worst possible picture,’ she said. ‘We can’t know
what
they might think, or how they would feel.’
‘Maybe. But once they’re in possession of the true facts, they would have no peace of mind. They would be forced to live with the knowledge of what happened, and who would they turn to? Think of it, Alice! You must know it would be cruel to put them in that situation.’
Alice was distraught. ‘But, I would always be there for them. I would never let anyone hurt them. Never!’
‘You would not be able to control it, Alice. People can be malicious, and children more than most.’
Alice tried to explain. ‘The thing is, I can’t seem to think straight. I’m not sure what’s right or wrong any more.’
It was as though she was in the middle of a nightmare, and she couldn’t wake from it. ‘I want to do what’s best for them, but I’m not God! I don’t know what the answer is!’
She went on, ‘I had thought that maybe we could move away…take on a new life, new names, all of that. It’s possible…isn’t it?’
‘Oh Alice, listen to you!’ Mandy said wearily.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean…your babies are not even born yet, and already you’re planning an escape route.’
For the sake of Alice and her babies, Mandy remained resolute. ‘All I want is for you to realise the enormity of what you’re doing,’ she pleaded. ‘I don’t want to see you hurt anymore, but if you go ahead and have the children, you must realise how hard your life will be.’
Mandy’s voice softened. ‘I know I shouldn’t force my own views on you like this. You’re my best friend, Alice, and I love you dearly. You asked me what I would do, and I’ve told you. If I’ve hurt you with my answer, I’m truly sorry.’
Alice was deeply shaken, but she appreciated Mandy’s honesty. Alice knew she had her and her unborn babies’ best interests at heart.
‘I think I always knew what you would say,’ she told Mandy now. ‘In truth, I thought the very same, but I keep coming round to the idea that everything might work out all right, and that it isn’t my place to end two innocent lives.’
Mandy understood her quandary. ‘All right, I agree that it will be the hardest thing you may ever have to do in the whole of your life. All I’m saying is, don’t think of what’s happening right now. Think of the future. Think of the repercussions on everyone; especially the children. But, when all is said and done, Alice, whatever anyone says,
you
are the only one who can decide.’
‘I know,’ Alice replied. ‘Tomorrow, I’ll make my decision, and that will be an end to it.’
For a long time they sat on the swing, gently swinging back and forth, each in deep thought; each of them afraid of what tomorrow might bring.
It was early afternoon when Tricia drove up in her black Ford car. She parked it outside the front door as always, then she collected her shopping bags and carried them into the house. ‘Alice!’ she called out as she went straight through to the kitchen, where she dropped the bags on the chair.
‘Alice, I’m home!’ Crossing to the sink, she quickly filled the kettle with cold water from the tap, and switched it on to boil. ‘Wherever is she?’ She looked out the window and across the garden to the swing, and still there was no sign of Alice.
While the kettle came to the boil, she wandered back down the hallway, pausing only to pat her hair in the mirror as she went.
She peeped into the sitting room, and checked the sun house. When there was still no sign of Alice, she went upstairs and frantically searched every room, and now she was hurrying back down in a state of panic. ‘Alice? Alice, where are you, dear!’
Flinging open the library door, she gave a sigh of relief, on seeing Alice curled up in the window seat, fast asleep.
Treading quietly across the carpet so as not to wake her, she stood a moment, to regard Alice, so small and vulnerable, with the harrowing experience of late etched on her pretty young features. ‘Oh, child…what’s going to become of you eh? But I’m so glad you trusted me with the truth, about the babies.’
‘I’ll leave you to sleep, child.’ Tricia whispered. ‘It’s what you need.’ She was concerned to see how pale Alice was. ‘You must stop fretting, sweetheart,’ she continued, moving a stray lock of hair from Alice’s temple, ‘You need to concentrate on getting stronger.’
Taking off her coat, she slid it gently over Alice. ‘I’ll call you when tea’s ready.’ She then kissed her softly on the forehead, and quietly tiptoed away.
A short time later the two of them were seated at the kitchen table, enjoying a pot of tea, with fresh scones bought by Tricia that morning. ‘I don’t want you worrying about tomorrow, Alice,’ her grandmother urged. ‘Once the decision is made, you can then concentrate on looking to plan your future…’ she chose her words carefully, ‘…one way or the other.’
They talked fleetingly of Alice’s dilemma. ‘You will always have a home here with me and your grandfather, if that’s what you want.’ But Alice was already forming a plan in her mind.
When her grandmother got up to clear the table, Alice helped, while Tricia chatted on. ‘Your grandfather said I was wrong not
to take on another housekeeper when Martha retired, but I’m really enjoying myself taking care of the home and everything. I admit I do have a woman in to do the ironing and hoover under the beds, because my back won’t allow me to do that.’
She gave a resigned smile. ‘Mind you, dear, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility, that in the future I might be forced to take on another Martha. Like your grandfather insists on reminding me…I’m not getting any younger.’
While she chatted, Alice grew more determined.
She could not get Joe out of her mind. Somehow, she had to see him, to speak with him. She needed to know that he was truly on the road to recovery.
The only thing she knew was that Frank had injured Joe so badly it was touch and go whether he would survive, and even if he survived, the early diagnosis was that he may suffer a degree of permanent damage.
But he was alive! She knew that much, and in knowing it, her yearning to see him grew stronger with every new day.
‘Alice! Are you all right?’ Tricia was concerned.
‘Yes, Grandma, I was just thinking, that’s all.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, child. Here I am, wittering on like a silly old woman, while you have such a weight on your mind.’ Tricia repeated her support. ‘We’ll see it through together, eh? You won’t be on your own. I’ll be there with you tomorrow.’
‘Whether you agree with my decision or not?’
‘I meant what I said before, child. No one is judging you. You’re facing a very difficult time, and you can rest assured that your grandfather and I will support you; as will your father.’
Sliding an arm about Alice’s shoulders, she told her, ‘There are people who love you dearly. You must never forget that.’
It was late afternoon when Alice decided she could put it off no longer.
While her grandmother snoozed in the sitting room, she went up to her room and refreshed herself with a wash and
change of clothes; choosing a pretty grey dress with the white trimming at the hem and neck. She had been grateful that her father collected her things from the cottage, because she never wanted to go there again.
Brushing her hair, she noted with relief how the minute patches of raw scalp were now barely visible through her new hair. She dabbed some powder on her cheeks, a touch of lipstick for colour, then she slipped her feet into her low-heeled sandals. ‘I hope you’re doing the right thing, Alice,’ she whispered into the mirror, ‘…for everyone’s sakes.’
Downstairs, she wrote a note for her grandmother:
Dear Grandma,
I felt I needed some fresh air, so I’m going for a walk. I won’t be too long,
Alice.
XX
Softly letting herself out of the front door, she then closed it quietly behind her, before setting off down the lane.
Growing increasingly excited by the purpose of her errand, she quickened her pace. On reaching the stile from the lane to the field, she climbed over, jumped down on the other side, and went at a run down the long field.
Like a wild thing let loose, she ran until she thought her heart would burst, on and on, through the fields, then across the high lane that skirted the village, and now she was headed for the woods, her heart soaring as she realised that this was the first step towards seeing Joe.
Stumbling into the woods, she fell against a tree, breathless and exhilarated, her laughter echoing through the high branches, where the breeze carried it away to the skies.
She felt free, and it was amazing!
Life was amazing!!
And all she could think of was Joe, and the two new lives inside her.
Suddenly her mood sobered, and she felt incredibly sad.
Leaning against the tree trunk, she slid to the ground, where she sat for what seemed an age, tears spilling down her face, and her heart heavy with the burden of what she must do.
After a time, she clambered up and went on. ‘You have a way to go yet,’ she chided herself. ‘Think of Joe…keep thinking of Joe.’
She pushed through the thicket; slowly at first, then faster, and now she was blindly running, thrusting back the branches that crossed her path; falling and tripping in the dense undergrowth, until she burst out into the sunshine, where she took a deep, invigorating breath. ‘Not much farther now, Alice,’ she told herself.
After a mile or so up hill and down dale she could see the house nestling lower down in the valley. She knew that house so well, with its tall cylinder chimneys; rickety outbuildings, and the sprawl of land, enclosed in that familiar white fencing.
Cautiously now, she approached, down the bank and up again, towards her beloved brook, where she had spent many a wonderful hour in its cool, welcoming waters.
She kicked off her shoes. Holding one shoe in each hand, she stepped into the shallow water and paddled up and down, gently kicking her feet as she luxuriated in the cool water’s soothing touch. When she was refreshed, she sat on a boulder and wiped her skin dry with the tail end of her skirt.
Eager to be away now that she was so close, she slipped her sandals back on and set off, up the field and on towards Tom and Nancy’s house. It was only then that she began to realise the enormity of what she was doing.
With the stark realisation came the niggling doubts. ‘Be careful, Alice,’ she warned herself. ‘Remember, they could have
told you where Joe was before…if they had wanted you to know.’
As she drew near she recognised Nancy in the garden; as always she was dressed in the familiar pretty floral dress made by her own hands, and that plain blue pinnie she always wore when going about her housework.
On the ground beside her was a wicker basket spilling over with clean, white bed sheets, which she plucked out one by one, to hang on the line. They blew in the breeze, like the great sails of a mighty ship.
Warmed by the sight of that dear woman, and yet feeling suddenly anxious, Alice sat down on the grass to watch Nancy at her work.
This was the first time in many a long week that she had been in striking distance of Tom and Nancy’s cottage, and the sight of it now was tugging at her heart, creating a medley of emotions within her.
When suddenly Nancy looked in her direction, Alice lay flat on the ground, hoping she had not been seen. Nancy drew out another sheet and Alice was within a heartbeat of turning around and going back.
She chided herself, ‘No, Alice! You came here with a purpose, and you have to see it through. It’ll be all right…it really will.’ And yet, she could not be sure of that.
She paused when she heard the engine of a car start up.
Keeping low to the ground, she looked down towards the cottage and at once recognised the long, black saloon car, which she knew belonged to the landowner.
As the car went down the track and away, Alice noticed Tom leaning on the doorway. When the car was out of sight, he went back inside.
Having now hung out all the sheets, Nancy ambled up the path to the cottage, with the wicker basket under her arm.
Taking nervous steps towards the cottage, Alice paused to collect a posy of wild flowers from the hedgerow, now alive with drifts of pretty pink daisies and handsome coltsfoot, remembering Nancy always liked these.
Clutching them to her, Alice went tentatively across the garden to the front door, which as ever, was open and welcoming.