My voice is small. I am scared I will cry
but I know the memory of Lana makes me strong. "I am a hero. I don’t need
you. I never asked you for help in this because I don’t need you. You make me
feel bad about myself. I don’t need that. I might not be normal or a woman
because I've chosen not to sell what I have to the highest bidder. That doesn’t
make me worthless or a child. You can stay here and play house with Barbie over
there. I don’t need you or her. I have gotten along fine without anyone."
I don’t turn my back on him. Not until I
feel the soft fur of Leo in my fingers. His back isn’t up like it should be.
Will takes a step forward and I take a step behind Leo.
"Emma. What can I say besides I'm
sorry."
I shake my head, "Your kind are
always sorry Will. Sorry I beat you. Sorry I humiliated you. Sorry I cheated on
you. Sorry I killed you by accident because I forgot to stop hitting and
kicking."
His eyes flash, "I would never hurt
you."
I rip my sleeve up again, dragging it up
my arm and scratching myself, "But you did."
He runs his hands through his dark hair,
"Not on purpose Emma. You just make me so mad. I don’t know what to do
about you. Tell me what I should do. I don’t want to feel this way about you. I
don’t want to love someone that is so reckless with herself and is willing to
die for other people. I will die if you die." He doesn’t look angry. His
eyes are passionate but in a way that breaks my heart.
I take a step back, "I don’t want to
love someone who has sex with other women and lets them crawl all over him in
front of other people. I don’t want to love someone who leaves marks on my body
because he gets angry and then humiliates me and calls me not normal and a
child."
He laughs but it sounds pained as it cuts
through the quiet of the forest. "Touché." He takes a step forward
with his hands out. "I would rather die than hurt you."
"But you have. You have already so
many times." I take another step back.
He bites his lower lip and looks at me
through his thick lashes. "What are we going to do?"
I shake my head, "Rescue the women
from the farm."
He laughs again, "What about
us?"
A single tear escapes the hold I have
over myself, "There is no us. There never was. There was you and me and
Star and whoever else you freely let into your bed. It never was just us."
I turn my back on him but Leo stays. I know I stole that one from one of
granny's books too.
"Emma there is no me and other
women. It's me and you and this fucking wolf. Leo come on boy. Let me past.
Come here Leo."
I hear the growling and I smile.
The group is sitting and laughing about
something. They stand when they see me, "Are we going or what?" A man
asks.
I nod and pick up my bow and quiver,
"Let's go."
I whistle once and Leo comes bounding. I
know Will is behind us. I feel safer with him there. I hate that.
The walk down the mountain is easier than
the last time. I am much less exhausted and the fear of what we are about to do
is driving me forward.
"So is that your boyfriend?"
One of the older women asks.
I look back to where he is walking with
one of the guys and talking. His eyes move to meet mine. I look back at her and
shake my head, "No. I don’t have a boyfriend. There is a guy I like. He's
really sweet and kind and funny." I laugh, "He has no survival skills
whatsoever but it doesn’t matter. He makes me feel like it's before the wars
and the sickness."
She nudges me, "Then why do you have
that stricken look on your face when you see him?"
My eyes narrow, "It's his brother.
He thinks he should be able to treat me like his little sister I think."
She shakes her head, "Girl he
doesn’t treat you like a little sister. Trust me I was married twice before the
wars. That is not the look a sister gets."
I glance back, "He doesn’t exactly
do the single relationship thing."
She looks at me and smirks, "None of
them do honey. What you need to do is flirt with other guys to give him a taste
of his own medicine. That thing you have going with his brother is probably
driving him nuts."
I smile at her but have nothing to say.
I'm as guilty as he is. Being with Jake makes me feel happy. Being with Will
makes me feel something different. Something I can't name. I look at him again
and know it isn’t happiness he makes me feel. It's stronger and scarier. His
eyes don't meet mine. I rub my arm to remind myself of what he is capable of.
We get to the bottom of the mountain and
make camp for the night.
The night air is getting muggy. Summer is
painful, the heat is almost unbearable. Even at my cabin I would lie awake some
nights and sweat.
Leo is gone hunting. Whenever I make camp
he spends his time circling it. He sleeps on the outskirts of it and watches.
Some might find a pair of yellow eyes watching them from the woods disturbing,
but I find it comforting.
I drop my pack and roll out my thin roll.
The women stay to one side of the fire while the men sit at the other. In the
dark it is hard to make out where everyone is, but in the firelight their
figures flit about in the background like ghosts.
Distracted for the moment with my bow and
quiver I walk into the forest. I can feel Leo near me. His protection of me is
most of the reason I feel safe in the woods.
I sit perched and wait. Something
scurries off to the left of me. I wait for the light of the moon to reflect on
its beady little eye. As the glint of muted light hits the shine of the eyeball
I release the arrow. A small squeak confirms my success. I walk to it before I
lose it in the dark. As I reach for it, a stabbing pain hits my hand and wrist.
It moves one final time
"Shit." I whisper and pulled
back. Quills are everywhere. I kick the beast over with my foot and pick it up
with my other hand by the belly. I nearly drop it. It weighs a ton. It must
literally weigh thirty-five pounds. I struggle with it and end up hugging it.
The quills are slicing into my chest and stomach. I wince.
I carry it back to the camp as fast as I
can. It's huge.
I drop it at the fire and look at the
quills all over my hand and the front of me.
"Oh shit. Are those barbed?"
I shake my head, "I don’t know. I've
never been stuck before. I don’t shoot porcupines ever and Leo is smarter than
to attack them. I couldn’t see it in the dark."
Mona, the older lady I've become fast
friends with, comes and sits. She pulls out a small kit from her backpack. When
it is unrolled she pulls long tweezers from it.
A deep voice breaks the silent
inspection, "You have to be careful. If you break it off it's harder to
get out. Then you have to dig around. They're barbed, they move deeper when you
move."
We both look back at Will hovering over
us. She hands him the tweezers and rolls her eyes. It makes me smile.
He takes my other hand and pulls me to a
log closer to the fire. I try not to notice the way my hand feels inside of
his.
I sit down. He holds my hand so it faces
the firelight.
He sits and starts to pull them out in an
abrupt jerk. I don't notice the pain. I notice the way the light hit his face.
I notice how intensely he looks at my wounds. I notice how soft his touch is.
My stomach whirls inside like a tornado
is in there.
Mona and a man, who looks older like her,
start to prepare the porcupine. Some of the other people brought other food to
the camp. A hare, an owl and a large rat looking thing were all laid on the
ground in front of the fire.
Berries and roots are dropped down by the
fire. People had gathered along the hike down.
"I've never cooked a porcupine
before."
"Joe you gut it and skin it just
like anything else. It's good."
"Here let me."
"No you aint got no control with a
skinning knife. There won't be any meat left."
Will grins listening to them.
"They've been married for a long
time." He whispers but never takes his eyes off my quill situation.
"How did you find all these
people?"
He grins, "Me and Marshall got out
of the breeder camp together."
I grimace, "They had Marshall at the
breeder camp?"
He laughs, "He is a scientist. He is
a disease specialist. He was never used like the rest of us. Too old and fat.
Plus he has diabetes. No we left together. He got me out."
I can't help the feelings I have for him.
They are stronger than anything else inside of me.
"How did you find all the
people?"
"Marshal freed them from a work
farm." He looks at me, "Star's brother helped."
I gulp.
"He was a CIA tech guy. Anyway he
has this fortress over near the farm. It's the kind of place you could ride out
the entire war and live out your life without worrying about outsiders. Anyway
he lives there and has Intel on all the farms and how their systems work."
I don’t want to talk about Star but it's
like a train wreck and I can't look away from the dead scattered across the
tracks. I ask without the ability to stop myself, "So what's up with you
and Star?"
His eyes dart to mine, "I saved her
from the breeder farm."
I feel my eyebrow rise skeptically,
"That’s it?"
He grins, "What else do you want it
to be? Do you need for there to be more to the story?"
"What?"
He plucks me like I'm a chicken and blows
on each hole after the quill is out. "You seem bent on there being more to
the story."
I pull my hand away, "There is more
to the story. I can tell. She touches you with a familiarity only a girl whose
'known' you would have. If you can't be honest with me then I guess I don’t
really care what the answer is."
I stand and walk to the far side of the
forest. In dancing light of the flames I pluck my own hand and chest. It is
sharper and more painful without the warmth of his touch. The stomach hurts the
most.
I know he's watching me but I ignore him.
Leo stalks out of the woods forcing
momentary panicked looks, until they realize it's my friend. He nestles in next
to me and waits for the food.
I pluck and try to ignore the hollow
feeling in my chest.
Her name is Muriel. I've never heard the
name before and I'm afraid she is going to die in the crossfire and I will
never hear the name again.
She is twenty-three and has a sister in
the breeder farms. She got taken on the way to the towns. Probably by the same
assholes who stole me in the woods.
When I hear the truck coming I feel a
sickening panic overwhelm me. I want to tell her to abort and run like a wild
woman into the woods. I don’t want to go back. It's fleeting but more powerful
than any emotion I've ever felt.
Instead I take a deep breath and run my
fingers through his thick fur for a moment. It's cathartic and brings me peace.
I pull my arrow and line it up. Muriel
sells it. She hugs herself and stumbles.
Her dark hair is ragged and dirty. She
naturally has the face of a tortured soul. She is the perfect bait.
I see movement to the west, something I
never expected to see. It's a group of them. Leo must be able to smell them or
sense them. He licks his lips and makes a low growl. I turn my bow and gauge
the distance. They walk with the gracefulness of a mummy. Their bodies are
seizing up from the scurvy and diseases they are riddled with. How they live
through it is beyond me.
It's the largest pack I've ever seen.
I put my arrow in the quiver and slide the bow over my shoulder. I look at Leo
and burst into a sprint. The bushes are flying past me. I see a colorful blur
in my peripheral vision. I forgot I wasn’t alone.
"The infected. To the west. They
have to die silently." I don’t shout but I speak loud enough that they can
spread the word.
At the base of the hill I scramble up a
tree. Leo hides in a bush at the base, as he always does.
I feel my tree moving as if a windstorm
has taken it. I look down and see Will climbing the same large tree as I am.
I climb faster.
Finding a fat enough branch to sit in, I
wrap my legs around it and steady myself.
"Where?"
I pull my arrow and bow and ready myself.
Dust is starting to rise in the east. The truck is closing in on Muriel. They
will see her soon.
I steady my shot and wait. The infected
don't see her yet. She has stopped and started to walk toward the truck.
"Stay calm Emma." Will whispers. I release the arrow when I think
they are close enough.
The arrow lands a few feet in front of
the one I was aiming at.