Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (27 page)

“I shouldn’t have forced you into it to begin with,” I say. “If I A Life Without You
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hadn’t, things wouldn’t have turned out this way.”

“You didn’t force me into anything.” Jesse’s eyes meet mine and I melt all over again. “If you hadn’t gone after me we’d each be sitting in a corner, pining after one another. I don’t think you know how much I wanted you from the first moment I saw you at the auditorium, you know, on the first day.” My mouth drops open for a second. He noticed me?

“God, when I saw you it shook me so badly.” He takes a moment before continuing with a little smile playing on his lips.

“I was curious afterwards and sort of snuck around after the ceremony when you were introducing yourself to people, but I was too shy to come and greet you.” He smiles fondly at the memory. “And then when I applied for a dorm room I got to choose out of the ones available and when I saw your name…” I release my breath. He’s never told me any of this. Why didn’t
I
see him back then?

He lets out a laugh. “I told myself that I just wanted to get to know you, but if I’d been honest with myself I’d have had to admit I thought you were hot as hell. I was instantly attracted to you and as I got to know you I fell in love. Adam, I’m not bi, I-I’m…I’m g-gay.”

I give him a quick smile after a long, long period of silence.

When I think I’ve composed myself enough, I speak. “Why would you say that? I thought we’d agreed on you being bi.” Jesse huffs out a breath, face constricted in a confused manner.

“I didn’t realize until spring break how relieved I’d been that Anne just wanted a platonic relationship until we got married.

We’d kissed, but only in a shallow way, like a peck on the lips. It always felt wrong, but I wouldn’t allow myself to dwell on it. I know I could’ve gone further with her if I’d tried, but I never did.

“I was happy with the minimum touching. During spring break…touching her… I did it out of stubbornness because I was determined to get married and have kids. But the whole time...it just felt wrong.”

Anne’s still a sore subject for me and as much as I want to
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take what Jesse’s saying at face value, it’s hard. It’s especially hard to hear him talk about being in bed with her. I release my clasp on the book and put it aside.

“Do you know why she cheated on you?” I ask after a moment’s thought.

“Yeah,” Jesse says with a soft chuckle. “She said she’s been getting these vibes from me that I’m not really interested in her.

She said it started around the time I was picking out a college, but I noticed my own lack of interest much sooner…I just wouldn’t admit it to myself. Underneath I was glad I was getting some space from her by going away. She took those vows a year and a half earlier, but she was becoming more and more hands-on as time passed and I didn’t like it.

“She said she was so upset after the week she spent here – we only did it once and that was two days before she left – and she said she knew then that I didn’t love her. She said she could tell by the way I wouldn’t look at her and would barely touch her. She was waiting for me to break up with her because she didn’t want to be the one to do it – she’s a good girl, you know. Doesn’t like hurting people. I think she figured out who it was I really wanted to be with the whole time she was there. She said I kept gazing at your empty bed when I thought she wasn’t looking.” Oh God. When he says things like that…

“But you’re seeing a girl now,” I point out, causing my chest to fizz with tiny aches.

“If you mean Danielle, we’re not going out. Dani’s majoring in law and she’s been giving me pointers to help me with something.”

“With Zeke’s case,” I say.

“Eric told you,” Jesse says, though he doesn’t look angry. He looks a little bit relieved.

“Yeah, over Christmas,” I say.

“Oh. Well, I also used the opportunity to figure out if it was just Anne or if it’s all women. I thought that maybe I just felt so A Life Without You
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sick touching Anne because I felt so rotten after what I said and did to you, or because I’ve known her all my life and therefore wasn’t attracted to her, but the idea of kissing Dani felt all wrong too. She’s a very pretty girl and I must be gay if she doesn’t affect me at all, right?”

The aches fade when I realize what he’s saying. He hasn’t kissed her. That night when he broke up with Anne and found Eric and me in the living room – he was probably on his way over to tell me about the breakup.

I breathe out a heavy sigh.

He’s been exploring his sexuality, trying to figure things out. I guess that’s normal for guys who are confused about their sexual nature. His mind has been imprinted with the idea that he has to get married and have a family, which would explain his fears and a lot of his actions. But I’m afraid to believe what he’s telling me. I’ve set myself up for disappointment too many times and although I’m getting sick of my own stubbornness, I still can’t help it. I was ready to throw it all away and hurl myself into his arms only a few minutes ago, but for some reason I’m still holding back. Maybe I’m just a miserable masochist after all.

But my spirit lifts at the sight of him. He looks so adorable right now. His face is flustered and he’s staring at the bug. Why didn’t we sit down like this sooner and talk it out? Because I was being stubborn, that’s why. He wanted to talk weeks ago, but I wouldn’t even give him a chance. But then I wonder if he was really ready to talk all those weeks ago…

“God, Jesse,” I breathe, swallowing around the lump in my throat. “You’re saying this now –”

“I know. I know what you’re going to say,” he interrupts and stares me straight in the eyes. “That’s why I’m saying I never deserved you. I’ve hurt you
so
much, over and over again. It’s inexcusable and I hate myself whenever I think about it, which is all the time. But knowing about you and Eric alone in his room has been killing me –”

“Jesse.” My voice echoes my frustration.

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“I know,” Jesse says loudly with a crooked smile. “I
know
you guys aren’t together, but I thought you were ever since spring break and I understand completely how you must have been feeling about Anne and me. It was the worst feeling ever. You were with him and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was such a hopeless feeling that I just wanted to crawl under my bed and stay there forever. I wanted to get you back but Eric wouldn’t let me anywhere near you. That guy is seriously scary when he’s angry.”

Jesse laughs to himself but goes solemn when he continues.

“But then you avoided me too and I thought you didn’t love me anymore – you even said it that time we met out back in the forest, that you
loved
me – past tense. It hurt like hell to hear that, but I deserved it because that’s basically what I said to you at spring break. I don’t blame you for not wanting me anymore, but…it…it’s so hard to let go.” His voice breaks at that last part.

He pinches the bridge of his nose while he tries to compose himself.

I’m about to reach for him when he continues.

“I tear up when I think about what I threw away with my stupidity. It was especially hard to see how happy you and Eric looked together in the living room, just before the exams. God, that hurt so, so bad.”

“I thought you were upset because you just broke up with Anne,” I say and wait patiently for him to meet my gaze again.

“God, I’d been trying to think of ways to break up with her ever since spring break – even before she and I did it. I just…

God, Adam, I just wanted her to leave and have you back. I was a fucking coward. After what I said to you…hearing you cry…” Jesse covers his face and sobs. His hands and shoulders shake until he sucks in a deep breath and tries to continue.

“Jesse…” I interrupt before he manages to settle on what he’s going to say. Seeing him so pained is killing me. “You’ve been struggling coming to terms with your sexuality, so I’m not going to hold everything that’s happened over your head. I guess a lot of gay guys go through a series of denials before they accept it.

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Some don’t even accept it at all and stay in the closet for the rest of their lives in a loveless marriage.”

“Yeah, that would have been me if I’d never met you,” says Jesse. He sniffles and takes a deep breath before his hand finds mine and he holds it between both of his. The touch sends tiny tremors through my arm. “I love you so much, Adam. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. I just hope you’ll believe and, in time, find a way forgive me. I miss you so much. If…if you give me another chance I’ll put your needs before mine every single day. I’m gonna tell my mom I’m…you know, gay, and that I’m in love with you.”

“I don’t expect you to do that,” I say hastily, though what he’s saying is peeling layers of pain off my chest. “Don’t do anything rash.”

“I’ve been toying with the idea for a while now and I want to do it. I feel ready.” Jesse smiles at me so earnestly it squeezes my slowly mending heart. “When you came back to our room and I saw you sleeping on my—um,
your
bed… Ever since I saw the hurt on your face when you sat on that bed with your teary eyes… It gave me hope that you still might want me. That you still might love me, just a little bit.” My throat is clogging up and Jesse seems to be struggling as well. The rims of his eyes are welling up again. I pull his hand to me and gently kiss the inside of his palm. Jesse releases a rattled breath.

“I love you,” I whisper into his palm. “So, so much.”

“Then I still have a chance?” Jesse asks after swallowing several times and drying his tears off with his thumb. The heat from his body hits me like a wave as he inches closer. The sexy scent of his sweat fills my nostrils and drives my lower regions wild.

God, here he is pouring his heart out to me and I’m getting aroused…but then it’s been so long since I’ve held him properly.

My voice is a bit thicker when I answer. “Of course you do.”

“That’s great,” Jesse says with a relieved breath and a huge
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smile on his face. “Then will you move back in with me?” I release his hand and mean to move closer to kiss him, to wipe away his hurt, but he misunderstands my gesture.

“I mean, when the next school year starts, of course,” he says.

I try to force back a smile. He thinks I still need time to think things through when I’m about to throw myself at him here and now. I just hope he’s ready to kiss in public.

“ADAM!” Eric bellows at the entrance of the exam building.

He runs over with his arms full of folders and books. Honestly, the guy has a sixth sense for when it’s most inconvenient to interrupt.

Jesse twists around to watch the slight figure in black hip-huggers and a bright orange button-down jog over.

Eric shouts some feet away, “Adam, you impotent, cock-sucking son of a bitch! Get your fucking ass over here or we’ll be late!”

People turn their heads but he ignores them. I can’t help smiling as I check my watch.

“It starts in thirty minutes, Eric. There’s plenty of time.” Eric strides the rest of the way. It’s probably the stress that has him out of breath and not his jogging. “We’re going now.

Anything could happen between here and the classroom.”

“Urgh, seriously, you need to chill.”

“I’ll chill once we’re outside the classroom.” His eyes scan the scenario, but instead of stopping on Jesse they stop on my book.

“Fucking fairy faggot. Have you been reading that? I told you not to get your head filled with stuff before the exam. Didn’t I tell you not to read anything?”

“I didn’t read anything,” I say truthfully. I’ve had my head filled with Jesse this whole time.

He reaches out and yanks me up with surprising strength for such a little man. Jesse swallows hard when Eric gropes my butt.

I quickly swat his hands away.

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“What the hell are you doing?”

“Just checking. You’ve been spending so much time lazing around instead of fucking that your ass is all out of shape.”

“What? Shut up!” I turn around and try to get a good look at my rear end.

Jesse stands up and puts his hands on my ass. The effects are immediate. Eric’s eyes widen as my dick swells in my pants.

“He’s lying,” Jesse murmurs from behind me, still moving his hands over my ass, squeezing here and there. He practically purrs as he rests his forehead against my shoulder. “It’s as fantastic as ever.”

That did it. I now have a full-on erection which has Eric cursing like a carpenter.

“Great. Just great. Now he won’t be able to focus on the exam at all. Adam, didn’t I tell you to talk to Jesse
after
the exam?” He pushes his books and folders into my arms. “Cover yourself with this. Your lack of control is embarrassing.” My knees are about to buckle when Jesse’s hands slide over my hips.

“Stop touching him, you idiot!” Eric shouts and yanks Jesse’s hands away. People glance in our direction but Jesse either doesn’t notice or he’s decided that he doesn’t care.

“You guys will have to learn to get along,” I say to Eric. “That is, if you want me to keep some of those priorities.”

“No problem, if little Miss Catty here can stop glaring at me.

He’s gonna get bad eye wrinkles in a few years,” Eric retorts.

I turn my head and Jesse is indeed glaring at Eric. “Jesse, please,” I say.

His narrowed eyes look almost golden against the sun, but then his face relaxes and he smiles at me. It melts me completely.

“Okay, sorry.”

“Stop wasting time already. Let’s go,” Eric ushers me towards the exam building.

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I receive a wide smile from Jesse when I look over my shoulder. His shorts are flagged with his own impressive erection on the lawn full of students milling around.

The doors in the dorms open outwards so it doesn’t limit the space inside the rooms. You have to walk in the middle of the hall or risk getting a door in your face. I’m so distracted today I nearly get hit twice; once downstairs and once outside my old room.