“I’m sorry I said what I said, Natalie, but that doesn’t change anything.” The sadness in my own voice was a shock to me.
“Won’t you even try? Please, Julian. Don’t make me lose her again.”
So, it was all on me again. Either I saw my mother, or next time she may just succeed in killing herself, and Natalie would hate me forever. Why couldn’t I just be left alone to get on with my life? I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to listen to her abuse, or worse still, listen to her praise and grip the edge of my seat the whole time as I wondered when she would turn, when her devil would appear.
Natalie raised her head from my tear stained chest and looked straight into me as her eyes pleaded with me. “Julian, I’m scared,” she whispered, her voice cracking slightly.
“Hey, what are you afraid of?” I wiped a rolling tear off her cheek with the pad of my thumb.
“Mum’s unstable. I’ve never seen her like this before.”
“She’ll be fine, she’s in the best place, the doctors know what they’re doing.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Her eyes widened slightly as she drew in a long breath. “What if she turns on me? What if she tells Dad?”
Oh, this was just too much to handle. That wasn’t a scenario that had even entered my mind - although it should have been my first thought. I released my grasp on Natalie as I felt my entire body turn rigid. My lips tightened and my teeth clenched. I took slow, deliberate breaths as I cautiously turned away from the room of spectators. I was going to lose it, I knew it. I could feel it building and building and I knew of no way to stop it. My blood pulsed loudly in my ears, warning me that it was too late to even try. I focused on my slow breaths, slowing them even more as I counted each one in a desperate attempt to calm myself.
One, two, three...
And that was as far as I got before my fist slammed through the hallway wall, leaving a gaping hole as the plasterboard crumpled to the floor lifelessly. “Fuck!” My fist pounded into the wall again.
“Julian! Get out!” Ryan roared as he hurried towards me.
His arms wrapped around each of mine as he bundled me towards the door. But that wasn’t his smartest move. I was seething. My eyes felt as if they would burn right through him as I twisted to look at him. He was my friend; I didn’t want to hurt him, but the thought of the struggle he could so easily give to me right now made it difficult to refuse. I pulled my arms against his restraint and jabbed my elbow into his ribs. “Let go of me!”
“Julian! Stop!”
Just as I had been readying myself to swing my head backwards straight into Ryan’s face, Emily appeared. Like an angel, her soft hands cupping either side of my face. “Stop,” she whispered.
I almost melted as I stared into her deep eyes. Deep eyes that pleaded with everything they had. Deep eyes that resembled those of a frightened child, a frightened little girl. I had done this, I had frightened her. My stomach twisted and my throat clenched again, making the very simple action of inhaling suddenly seem like an incredible struggle.
“Let go of him, Ryan.” She spoke softly, her voice soothing me.
“I’m taking him home, Emily.”
“I said let him go, he’s okay.”
As soon as my arms were freed I lunged forward and wrapped them tightly around Emily’s shoulders. I kissed the top of her head over and over until I lost count of how many times my lips made contact. She smelled incredible - all berries and vanilla and...something else. I could breathe her in all day.
I had no idea how she could calm me so easily. No one had ever been able to do it, yet all Emily had to do was look at me and I felt my anger wash away from me. The heavy haze of fog in my head would breeze away leaving me to see clearly again.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I nuzzled my nose into her hair and inhaled deeply, my throat slowly releasing its tight clench.
“It’s okay.” She tipped her head back and locked her gaze with mine.
I pressed my lips gently against hers and began to move them slowly, carefully. As I tasted her, my lips grew more urgent and I backed her against the wall as my open mouth moved greedily over hers. She was holding back. She was returning my kiss but, her rhythm was slightly off, slightly delayed. Then, she pulled away and her cheeks blushed crimson as I pinned her with my heated glare.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, the tip of my nose brushing against hers.
“We have guests, Julian.” I swear I could feel her heart pulsing fast and hard against my chest as I pressed against her. She was right; of course, we did have guests - guests that I had momentarily forgotten about. She did that to me. When I was with Emily it was like she was the only other person in the world. Just myself and her. No one else mattered.
“You two need to talk.” Her eyes cut across to where Natalie stood in the doorway. “Shall I leave you alone, or would you rather I stayed with you?”
She knew I needed her with me. It wasn’t a case of whether I’d rather she stayed with me. I needed her.
“Will you stay?”
“Yes.” She squeezed her small hand into her jeans pocket and pulled out her phone and began tapping away at the screen.
“What are you doing?” I asked, confused as to why she suddenly felt the need to contact someone. Whoever that someone was.
“I’ll get Sam to pick up Maia from nursery. That way I can stay with you.”
I sank myself comfortably into the small chocolate sofa and accepted the cup of coffee that Emily handed me with a shaky smile. She sat down beside me and placed a hand on my thigh, returning my smile as she squeezed gently.
“So, what do you want me to do?” I asked Natalie.
“It’s you she’s asking for, Julian. If I keep lying to her, keep telling her you’re away on business she might snap. And we both know what will happen if she tells Dad that I’m here with you.”
“This is precisely why you should never have gone there, Natalie. You just don’t fucking listen to me. I knew this would happen.”
“I’m sorry, what can I say? I’m sorry for what she did to you but that was a long time ago. She’s more stable now.” Natalie’s large green eyes revealed nothing but desperation as she pleaded with me.
“Oh, really? Do stable people try to kill themselves often or is that just her?” I spat out before thinking and watched as Natalie’s head snapped back as if I’d just slapped her.
“Stop with the smart mouth, Julian, it’s not helping anyone. Maybe if you go and see her it’ll help. It’ll make her happy, she won’t have any need to tell him.”
“So that’s my only option?” I snapped. I noticed the beads of moisture that had quickly covered my palms and discreetly wiped them down my jeans as my heart pounded against my chest. I knew what was coming. I had figured that visiting my mother was my only option before I had even asked the question.
“That’s the only option I can think of. Julian, she loves you, she just wants you to love her back.”
“She didn’t love me when she tried to stab me to death. And she certainly didn’t love me when she left me to bring you up. I was just a kid.” I stopped abruptly, realising that my voice was easily revealing the wave of hurt that squeezed at my chest when I allowed myself to speak those words aloud.
“You know she went through hell. It wasn’t her fault.”
“It never was, was it? She chose to put up with him, Natalie. She didn’t have to.”
I was revealing too much now. I felt Emily’s hand tense slightly on my thigh and glanced at her to find her eyes fixed low into her lap, her fine brows crinkled deeply with her frown. I had revealed to a single soul the extent of the neglect I had suffered as a child. Or about the regular smacks, which had quickly progressed to punches or kicks. I didn’t want anyone’s pity, and that was bound to be all I would get if people knew the truth. Emily was different, I knew that much. She knew how it felt to have people looking down on you in such a pitiful, patronising manner and I knew she would never treat me that way. She would never pity me. My secrets were safe with her.
All I had to do was pretend that I loved my mother and everyone would be happy. Everyone but myself, but I could handle that.
I
wasn’t important, now. The mere thought of that hospital petrified me more than I would ever admit to anyone. But, I couldn’t let my father find out about Natalie being here. It would lead him here to her, and to Emily. I couldn’t allow that. I would do whatever it would take to keep them both safe.
“Okay, I’ll go.” All three heads in the room snapped up as all three pairs of disbelieving eyes penetrated mine. “I’ll go, if that’s what it takes. But only if you’ll come with me.” My jaw tensed as I studied Emily’s reaction to my invite. If she was there, I could keep myself calm. That’s the only way I could handle it, the only way to diminish my fear of the cold, chilling hospital where my mother lived.
“Okay.” She nodded her head and gazed at me lovingly, her eyes revealing nothing but pure warmth and adoration. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to me and pressed my slightly parted lips to her temple.
“I love you, Emily. So much.” This time I didn’t whisper it, I spoke the words loudly for the entire room to hear. I wasn’t ashamed to say it. I did love her. I loved her so much it made my heart ache.
“And I love you.” Emily leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss against my lips. I kissed her back, allowing my lips to linger against hers for a little longer than I think she had intended.
When I pulled back and opened my eyes, I noticed Natalie’s humorous expression as she gawped at me, mouth agape and eyes wide.
“What are you gawping at?” I grinned.
“You! You’re a changed man!”
“I wouldn’t go that far, Sis.” I winked.
The front door slammed and, very shortly after, Maia came bouncing into the room, eyeing Natalie and Ryan suspiciously as she passed before jumping onto the sofa and squishing herself between me and Emily. I laughed softly at Maia’s expression as her rounded eyes still fixed on Natalie, a delicate frown sitting on her beautiful face. She really was the double of Emily. Her tiny little features were stunning, she was perfect. I had surprised myself by how quickly I had fallen in love with Maia, I adored her. I had never pictured myself as a father figure and, honestly, had never particularly wanted to either, but there was nothing that you couldn’t love about Maia. She absolutely melted me. I wondered briefly if my own mother had ever felt even a fraction of what I felt for Maia. My father certainly hadn’t, I couldn’t even begin to imagine laying a single finger on her or harming a single hair on her head - every one of them was more precious than life itself.
“Can we go to your house, please?” Maia’s tiny fingers prodded repeatedly at the back of my hand. I flipped my hand over and took hers into my palm before lifting it and kissing her knuckles.
“You can come to my house whenever you want, my princess. As long as it’s okay with mummy.”
“I want sketty bobnaise.”
“Hey, it’s not I want!” Emily interrupted in her best authoritative tone. She really was very sexy when she was masterful. Although that was clearly an inappropriate moment to even consider that thought.
Maia’s eyebrows crinkled once more as she looked at the floor and folded her arms as she huffed a tiny sigh.
Just like her mother
, I thought.
“Do you want to come to mine? I’ll cook,” I asked Emily, my stomach twisting with anticipation. I didn’t like the idea of going home without her, it didn’t feel right. It was too quiet, too empty without her and Maia there, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep without Emily beside me.
“I’ve got college in the morning,” she replied, chewing on the inside of her cheek and looking nervous for some reason.
“That’s fine, I’ve got to work. I’ll drop you both off on the way.”
Emily released her cheek from her teeth’s grasp as her face brightened and I wondered if she would ever quit feeling so nervous around me. I loved the fact that I had such an effect on this incredible woman, but part of me wished she could relax in my presence.
“Sounds good to me. Come on, Maia, let’s get some things.” She ushered Maia out of the room and I heard their racing footsteps up the stairs and I felt a slow, warm smile spread across my face.
“Wow, you really are a changed man.” Natalie smiled. “She’s good for you, Julian. Just don’t screw this up.”
“Your lack of confidence in me is slightly insulting,” I replied, grinning like a fucking moron but somehow unable to control it.
“My lack of confidence usually proves to be justified, Julian. I mean it, look after her.”
“Oh, I fully intend to.”
“Leave that, Maria will do it in the morning,” I told Natalie as the overbearing sound of a harsh knife scraping against porcelain invaded my ears.
“You’re such a slob, Julian. I don’t mind clearing up, you cooked, it’s the least I can do.”
Natalie had been so thrilled by my agreement to visit our mother that she hadn’t gone longer than ten minutes without hugging me all evening. She had insisted on coming over to my place for dinner, although I had no idea why. I’m sure she hadn’t eaten a single mouthful of her meal, and she usually loved my cooking. She had grown up with it, after all. Our parents rarely bothered to cook her a decent meal, and so I had taught myself to cook at an early age using the selection of cook books that were otherwise gathering dust on the shelf.
I took a bottle of wine from the refrigerator and lined up four glasses on the breakfast bar. “I think we could all do with a drink,” I muttered as I poured the contents of the bottle equally between the four large glasses.
“None for me thanks.” Natalie poked her head around my shoulder and wrapped her arm around my middle, again.
“Since when did you turn down a glass of wine?” I grinned, sliding the glass in front of her whilst handing another to Emily. Ryan let out a loud, satisfied sigh as he reached for the third.
“You not feeling well, Natalie?” Emily asked. “You hardly ate anything either.”
I had held onto my tongue with a great deal of will power as I had watched Natalie poking around at the food on her plate but never appearing to actually raise her fork to her mouth. I guess Emily had noticed it too. I was glad she mentioned it so I didn’t have to.