David Gray’s ‘Sail Away’ echoed around the open room. My chest heaved with an unsuspected but silent sob as memories of Jason came flooding back to me. This had always been his favourite song. He had joked on many of occasions that Sail Away would be played at his funeral, and each and every one of those occasions were now flicking through my mind as if playing on repeat on a slide show. I could clearly picture him sitting across the table from me at The Lounge, a bottled beer in his hand, a solemn expression set across his face as he begged me to promise to make his last song be this one. I had simply laughed it off and told him he’d have a new favourite song by the time he went anywhere. I felt my lips twitch into a sad smile as I recalled the next time he had said the same thing, but this time in front of Amanda, earning him a harsh slap across his chest. Amanda had obviously remembered and granted him his wish. I hadn’t.
We reached the front pew of the church and I wrapped my arms tightly around Amanda’s shoulders and held her against my chest whilst the coffin was placed on its stand. A man dressed in a black suit took out a photo in a thick black frame and placed it on top of the coffin, along with the many wreaths of brightly coloured flowers. I felt my eyes sting with tears as I stared at the photograph of Jason, the oldest friend I had had. Amanda sneaked a quick glance before burying her head back into the safety of my chest and reaching out for both boys as she pulled them into our tight embrace. My heart clenched as I felt two tiny arms winding themselves around my thighs. It was too much. My throat tightened beneath my collar and I could barely suck in a breath as I desperately tried to choke back my own tears. I wouldn’t cry, not today. As soon as Amanda released me to take her seat, I swept Jake into my arms and sat him on a single one of my thighs whilst motioning for Josh to follow. I lifted Josh onto my other knee and wrapped my arms around each of their waists as the vicar began the ceremony.
The service was beautiful. There were a couple of occasions when I had felt a warm tear roll down my cheek before quickly wiping it away. Amanda held herself together better than I thought she could. I had kept my thigh pressed against hers the entire time, just so she knew I was still there. As I always would be.
Amanda hosted a small wake for his close family and friends in the home that they had shared for the past ten years. It felt strange to be in here again. To be sitting at the same table that I had last sat at with Jason as we discussed his duties at Maia’s nursery. I had been watching Amanda carefully all evening as she hurried around the kitchen preparing drinks, I was concerned that she may be doing too much, so when she quietly skulked out through the back door and into the empty garden, I followed her.
“How are you holding up?” I asked as I sat down on the bench beside her.
“I don’t know, Julian. I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?” Tears pooled in her tired eyes once more and I placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
“You’ll get through this. I’m always here. I know I’ve been a useless and lousy friend so far, but if you or the boys need anything at all, you come to me, okay?”
“The boys constantly ask when their daddy’s coming home. Even though I’ve told them they just aren’t old enough to understand. And all I can think about is the house. What will happen to us now? I know nothing about all this stuff.”
“What about the house? What are you struggling with?”
“The mortgage is in Jason’s name, it was never joint. God knows why but it wasn’t. There’s no way I can take the mortgage over. They wouldn’t even consider it as I’m home full time with the boys.”
I hadn’t even given that a second thought. Of course it was solely in Jason’s name. He hadn’t been earning much when he applied for the mortgage and he was told if he put Amanda’s name on the application then she would class as a dependant and then his chances of getting it would be slimmed dramatically. He hadn’t told her this, though. He didn’t want her to think that just because she was younger than him and was still a student that she was somehow an inconvenience to him. That was exactly what she would have thought; it was just the way she was. I wasn’t about to stand aside and watch her and two innocent children dragged from their home. This home held ten years of memories of Jason. She had even given birth to Jake in the front room three years ago. I couldn’t watch her lose those memories. I wouldn’t be human if I could.
“Don’t worry about the house. It’s yours, I’ll sort it.” I searched in my inside pocket for the card I had written out earlier this morning. I had also written a cheque for twenty grand to cover the costs of the funeral and sealed it inside. I had no idea how much a funeral cost, but I hoped that would be enough. In fact, I hoped it would be too much. Amanda wasn’t the sort of woman to accept anyone’s charity, she was a lot like Emily in that respect, but I wanted her to have something left over to treat the boys with. Maybe a holiday. “Here, I want you to take this.” I handed the envelope to her and she took it as she eyed me suspiciously.
“Thanks,” she said, placing it on the bench beside her without opening it. “What do you mean about sorting the house? Is there a way I can keep it?” A glimmer of hope flashed behind her swollen eyes, as slight as it was, and I felt myself smiling back at her.
“I once had a beer fuelled conversation with Jason where he made me promise to look after you if ever he wasn’t around anymore. I will never break that promise. I’ll buy you the house, and anything else you need.”
Her frown was quickly replaced by a smile before a soft laugh escaped her. “You’re not paying for the house, Julian. I would never expect you to, no matter what promises you made to Jason.”
“I want to. Please let me do this for you. If I can make any of this easier for you then I will. I won’t watch two beautiful children lose their father and their home all in the space of a month. The house is yours.”
After repeated refusals from Amanda, and more insistence from me, she finally agreed to accept my offer for the sake of the boys. It was probably a good job she still hadn’t opened her card and found the cheque inside. “I probably wouldn’t leave that lying around,” I warned her as I made my way back to the kitchen.
After helping Amanda put Jake and Josh to bed while Emily insisted on clearing the mess in the kitchen, we finally called it a night and went back to Emily’s apartment as Maia would no doubt be in bed by now. As of the weekend, Emily and Maia would be living with me and we’d no longer have to try to juggle sleeping arrangements. Samantha had said she’d still be happy to watch Maia on the evenings that Emily had to work. “It’s the least I can do as you’re letting me stay here,” she had told Emily after her frantic panic of where she was going to live now had calmed down. That was one of the many lovely things about Emily. She didn’t care about money. The apartment was outright hers and she could make a fortune on it if she sold it or rented it out, but she wouldn’t see Samantha’s life disrupted by her own decision to move on. She was letting Samantha stay put, rent free as usual, until she wanted to go elsewhere. Even if that was never to happen. I loved how selfless she was. It was a trait that you didn’t see in people very often.
Emily handed me a glass of wine before snuggling into the crook of my arm as she sat beside me on the sofa. I felt as if I had deserted her all day. I had hardly spoken her, and now I still couldn’t seem to relieve my mind of the confusing thoughts that occupied it. Ever since I felt Jake’s arms snake around me as he clung on tightly I couldn’t shake the thought away. It had touched my heart more deeply than I ever thought possible. To know how much my simple contact with both boys had comforted them as we sat in the church was overwhelming. I never thought I’d be capable of comforting anyone, let alone a child. And, most of all, it felt good to have been able to. I hoped that one day my presence could comfort Maia. That my simple embrace could comfort
her.
Then I realised that I wanted to be the one she ran to when she fell and scraped her knee. I wanted to be the one to soothe her when she had a bad dream. I wanted her to need me. Just like that morning when she had been frightened and she had trusted me enough to show her there were no monsters. Maybe one day she would. Maybe there was a way that I could be a proper father to Maia, I thought, as I remembered the warm wrenching of my heart that I had felt that day when she accidentally called me Daddy. There was only one way that I could think of.
“What are your thoughts on adoption?” I asked casually as I twisted a tendril of Emily’s hair round my finger.
“I’ve never given it much thought. Why? Is this when you tell me you can’t have kids?” I could feel her wide grin against my chest.
“I just wondered how you’d feel if maybe one day, after we’re married of course, well, how you’d feel about me adopting Maia?” I stuttered as the overpowering urge to suck those words straight back in where they came from engulfed me. But of course I couldn’t. Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. It was far too early for that sort of talk. It didn’t feel too early for me. I loved Emily and Maia, and I knew without doubt that this was it for me. There would never be anyone else. I didn’t know how Emily felt, but I would suspect by the way her entire body had just stiffened that it was definitely too soon to ask to adopt her daughter. The most important person in her life. Fuck, what was wrong with me?
“Forget I said that.” I unravelled my arm from behind her and scooted forward to the edge of the sofa to give her a bit of distance. Why had I thought it was a good idea to ask her that?
“Why would I want to forget it?” Her voice sounded strangled and I twisted to her face. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she gazed at me adoringly. I quickly shifted back and pulled her against my side as I stroked my hand through her hair.
“Why are you crying?” I whispered.
“I have no idea.” She giggled as she pulled away from me and wiped at her cheek with the palm of her hand. “You’d really want to adopt her? After we’re married, I mean.”
“Yes, I’d love nothing more. But I understand it’s too soon for you and that’s fine, but now you know my intention if you’d ever be ready to even consider it.”
“It’s not too soon to discuss it. Julian,” she placed both hands on either side of my face as her eyes penetrated mine, “I love you, and I don’t care how long it has or hasn’t been, I know I will never love anyone else. You would make a great father to Maia, I saw how you were with Jason’s boys today and I know how much it meant to you to be there for them. That’s what makes a good father, Julian. Being there, no matter what, and I trust that you’d do anything for Maia. I’d love for you to adopt her. I couldn’t wish for a better dad for her.” Tears pooled in her eyes as she spoke, as they did in my own, and before I knew it I could feel their warmth against my cheek.
“Now why are you crying?” She laughed and sniffed at the same time and I couldn’t control the soft laugh that escaped me.
“You’re turning me into a bloody pansy.” I wiped at my moistened cheek.
Her gaze steadily held my own as an almost mischievous smile spread across her lips. “So, when are we getting married then, Mr Scott?”
It felt like a long time since I had been up and dressed in a work suit before 9a.m, but Emily had insisted that she didn’t need me to stay at home to care for her and that she was absolutely going back to college today. I had spent the best part of twenty minutes arguing this very fact with her at seven o’ clock this morning, but it got me nowhere and I soon had to give up when I realised I had to get home quickly if I was to make it to the office on time. She was going to college whether I liked it or not. As much as I wanted to stay home with her, to take care of her every need and keep her safely inside my apartment, I admired her insistence. I loved the fact that she was the first woman I had ever known that actually stood up to me. The first woman to ever to say no to me, and mean it. She knew her own mind and once she had made a decision she stuck to it, and nothing I could say to her could change it.
Today was not going to be a pleasant day for me. Not only was I going to be worried sick about Emily all day, but I also had an extortionate amount of work to catch up on. I had a long list of important people whose meetings had been cancelled over the past two days, so not only did I have to fit in as many of those as possible, I also had to go to the club. Ryan had been doing a good job in taking on the refurbishment of The Lounge and I trusted him completely with it but, with the work pretty much completed, I needed to check the place over before paying anyone’s wages. I must admit though, I was quite excited to see what it looked like now after the fire. It’s reopening had been scheduled for the weekend and I had made the decision to spend more evenings there. Well, more specifically the evenings when Emily insisted on working. Why she felt the need to work at The Lounge at all was beyond me. I could give her anything she wanted, her and Maia, and I wanted to. But of course she would never let me.
After my fourth meeting of the day I received a phone call from Mr Olsen, my ex-tutor and Emily’s current tutor from the Academy of Dramatic Arts. The fact that on my last visit I had agreed to fund a particular theatre production that the Academy had had to put on hold as they had ran out of money had completely slipped my mind. Mr Olsen wanted to arrange a meeting to finalise the details and I was more than happy to pop over at lunch time. I had felt slightly guilty when he had thanked me profusely for my dropping everything to meet with him, after all, I was really only going to see Emily. I thought if I timed it right I could bump into Emily in the cafeteria. That thought made me eager to get there. I had only been away from her for a few hours and already I felt irritated and anxious. I simply couldn’t bear to be away from her.
“I’ve got to pop over to the Academy, I’ll be back in an hour,” I told Laura, the secretary of my head office, as I passed her in the foyer.
“You’re next meeting is at two-fifteen,” she replied as the lift doors opened and I stepped inside.