“Everything is fine. For now.”
“You only kiss me like that in public when something is wrong.” Now she was raising her eyebrows like a parent does when scolding their child.
“I just missed you, that’s all.” I pressed one more soft kiss against her warm lips before making for the refrigerator and opening a bottle of wine. Emily didn’t ask about my father, which surprised me, I would have thought that that would have been her first question. I suppose with Adrian and Samantha here we couldn’t say too much. I had forgotten about those two. I hoped they would leave very soon so I could inform Natalie of the details, that wasn’t something I could discuss in front of almost strangers. And I must admit, I could only cope with Adrian in small doses. I only tolerated him at all for Emily’s sake. He seemed like an okay kind of bloke, but the way he looked at Emily made me want to rip his head off. It was obvious to me that he had some sort of feelings for her. In fact, he was damn lucky I hadn’t already ripped his head off. Emily was mine. And I had never taken kindly to people wanting what was mine, and I certainly didn’t share.
My phone rang, interrupting my disturbing thoughts of exactly what I would do to Adrian if he ever touched Emily, and I entered my office and closed the door before answering it as I noticed it was a number I didn’t recognise. I was surprised to hear an unfamiliar woman’s voice on the other end of line.
“Julian?”
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“It’s Amanda.”
My heart sank as the realisation hit. How could I not have even recognised the voice of my oldest friend’s wife? I struggled to find any words to respond with as the crushing loss seemed to hit me all over again. Amanda had always been so lively, so full of laughter, but now her voice sounded empty, almost dead.
“I just wanted to let you know that the funeral is tomorrow. I hope you can make it.”
“Of course I’ll be there. Is there anything I can do to help?” I should have already helped. I should have paid for, and organised, the whole damn thing. After all, it was down to me that Jason needed a pissing funeral. His wife and two young boys shouldn’t have to struggle to afford one.
“No it’s all taken care of; I’ll text you the details. See you tomorrow.” And then she hung up before I had the chance to ask her how she was holding up. Although the answer to that question, I already knew. I had never heard anybody sounding so...defeated, so lifeless. I sat in my office for a few minutes longer, holding my head in my hands, grasping at my hair and tugging painfully as I tried to force back my tears. I had seen Amanda only once since Jason had died. What sort of fucking friend was I? She was struggling, that much was obvious, and who was taking care of the boys if Amanda wasn’t up to it? My chest ached as I recalled the day, just a year ago, when I had stood next to Jason in the church and watched his two beautiful children christened under the eyes of God. I had never felt as proud as I did that day when I was named Godfather to both Josh and Jake. Me, a godparent? I never would have imagined anyone to ask something so responsible of me, but Jason and Amanda had. They had trusted me with their children’s futures. And I had let them down. It sickened me to think of how long it had been since his death. He deserved to be laid to rest, he deserved to be at peace, but apparently his body was evidence so he couldn’t be released until they had gotten to the bottom of what caused the accident. Evidence? Fucking evidence? He was a father, a husband, a son, and a dear friend, how fucking dare they treat him as a piece of evidence? It had been weeks since Jason’s death, and I had only managed one visit to his family. One fucking visit. I absolutely disgusted myself.
I walked slowly back to where Natalie, Ryan and Emily sat in the living area. I noticed Samantha and Adrian were no longer there, they must have left while I was in my office. I felt deflated. Like my heart couldn’t possibly take any more. I now had to inform Natalie of our father’s threats to her life and then top it all off with the news that my best friend’s funeral was tomorrow. Natalie and Ryan had both known Jason well and were equally as fond of him as I was. As most people who knew him were. Neither had known him as long as I had, but they still loved him all the same. I took a deep breath as I stared at the wall in front of me, desperately trying to keep control of myself.
“That was Amanda on the phone, the funeral is tomorrow.”
Natalie’s eyes instantly saddened and her mouth opened as if she was about to speak, but nothing came out. Ryan simply let out a deep sigh.
“You okay?” Emily was suddenly at my side and winding an arm around my shoulders. I managed a tight smile in response. I would need her with me tomorrow. I had to be strong for Amanda and the boys, I couldn’t let my own emotions get in the way of that and I knew Emily could keep me calm and in control. Emily watched me through sympathetic eyes.
“Will you come tomorrow?” I whispered, my voice sounding strangled.
Tears pooled in her eyes as she stroked a hand across my cheek. “Of course I will.”
I told Natalie and Ryan about my father’s phone call earlier on today and I hated myself for having to do it. Natalie’s saddened eyes had quickly morphed into frightened ones as she listened to me. She didn’t speak. She didn’t say a word. She simply stared at me as her eyes seemingly pleaded with me, and it broke my heart. I hated to see her so terrified, but she had to know. And so did Ryan. What if he showed up and I wasn’t there? Natalie needed to be on her guard, and Ryan needed to be sure never to leave her alone.
“I won’t let him hurt you, Natalie. I promise.” And I was making promises again that I wasn’t sure I could keep. I was determined that I could, but that still didn’t make me certain of it.
I was relieved when Ryan took Natalie home shortly before eleven. I couldn’t wait to be alone with Emily. She was the only person I knew could take my mind off Jason and the funeral and my father, and everything else that was torturing my head right now. I craved the warmth of her. The smell of her. I felt safer than I had ever felt when I had her in my arms.
We lay in bed, our limbs entwined with one another’s as her fingers circled against my chest. I loved it when she did that. As simple as the action was, it soothed me like nothing else ever had. My worries seemed to fade away and I felt myself drifting as I gave in to the urge to close my heavy eyes.
I walked slowly to the front of the church where the coffin that cradled my best friend stood. As I reached it I felt my stomach churn when I looked down and saw his cold, stone-like face staring back at me. His skin was icy white and looked smooth, almost like wax. This couldn’t be real. That couldn’t be Jason. I gasped aloud when his hollow eyes flickered open and he glared right at me.
What the fuck?
I rubbed at my eyes and opened them again to see his familiar brown eyes still fixed firmly on mine. They looked warm. Like they always had. They didn’t look cold and un-lifelike as the rest of him did. Why was he looking at me like that, like he was pleading with me? More importantly, how was he looking at me at all? He was dead. I glanced around me and saw every pair of eyes in the church watching me. Every one of them stood motionless. Every one of them except Emily who was rapidly walking down the aisle towards me. Her expression was one of terror as she stared straight past me. I turned quickly to see my father on the other side of the coffin. His arm wrapped tightly across a heavily pregnant Natalie’s chest.
“No!” I screamed as I instinctively moved forward. But I couldn’t move forward. Something was stopping me, something was blocking my way. I pushed against the invisible barrier, desperate to get to Natalie as my father glared at me wildly with a hint of amusement touching his lips. Then Emily raced past me. There was no barrier blocking her way as she lunged herself at my father.
“Emily!” The roar that I heard didn’t sound as if it had come from my own mouth, but it had. My burning throat was evidence of that.
I saw my father’s swift arm movement before I watched helplessly as Emily slumped to a heap on the floor. Her petite body lifeless and limp. And then my father had disappeared, as had Natalie. Natalie was gone.
I heard my loud growl as I bolted upright in my bed. My skin felt cold as sweat enveloped me and my body trembled violently. Something wasn’t right. I looked across to the other side of the bed. Emily wasn’t there. The quilt was crumpled, but she wasn’t there.
“Emily?” I called out as I desperately tried to free my legs from the tangled duvet cover. I sprang from the bed and raced from the bedroom. As I flew through the door I crashed straight into a body, knocking it heavily to the ground before stumbling clumsily on top of it. I heard her shocked scream and realised instantly it was Emily. Oh God. It was dark and I couldn’t see her face clearly as I struggled to lift my heavy weight off of her. I managed to prop myself up on my elbows to free her chest and looked down to see a wide pair of terrified eyes staring back at me.
“Julian, what the hell are you doing?” she panted as she wriggled beneath me. She pushed at my chest with her palms and I quickly stabled myself and pushed myself to the side of her.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m fine,” she stated as she sat up and stared down at me on the floor. “What are you doing?”
“I woke up and you were gone. I came to find you. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you we’re there, I didn’t mean to knock you over. You must be hurt, let me look at you.” I sat up and softly grasped her chin with my hand, encouraging her head to either side so I could examine her as well as I could manage in the dim light.
“I’m fine. You just scared the bloody life out of me.” She stood up and tugged my oversized t-shirt lower down her thighs. “Come back to bed.” She held her hand out and I took it and followed her back to the bedroom.
“You weren’t here,” I mumbled as she began her usual circles on my chest.
“Maia woke up. I’m here now.”
I felt my entire body calm as I forced my nightmare out of my head and focused solely on the tiny patterns that Emily was still tracing on my chest. All it took was for her to leave the room for a few minutes and I was instantly having nightmares. I was becoming far too dependent on this woman and it absolutely terrified me. What if she ever left me? What if she was ever taken from me? I simply couldn’t even bear the thought of either of those scenarios. I wouldn’t ever be without her. I couldn’t.
The slow walk into the church following what was left of Jason was agonising. It was the same small church where we had stood and christened Josh and Jake only a year ago, and all I could picture was the proud expression on Jason’s face as we took this same walk. I watched as Amanda’s shoulders shook violently in front of me and it took every ounce of my self control to stay quietly behind her. I wanted to go to her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and cry with her, but I couldn’t. She looked nothing like the woman I remembered. Her usual flowing dark curls that bounced when she walked had been replaced by dulled lank waves that hung messily around her aged face. How could somebody age so much in such a short amount of time? Her eyes were surrounded by dark circles and her lips almost looked as though they had thinned into a permanent grimace. Apart from my shameful flying visit the day after Jason’s accident, I had last seen her only a matter of a few weeks ago when she and Jason had invited me for dinner. I had thought the invitation was a little out of the blue and I had soon found out after I arrived that Amanda was so concerned about me that she hated the thought of me eating alone every night. She had told me how she and Jason would always be there for me, no matter what, and that all I had to do was call if I ever needed a friend. I admired her for that. After all, why should she care? I had always been close to Jason, yes, but I wasn’t exactly the nicest of people and I was surprised that she welcomed my friendship. But she was like that. She was warm and kind and always reached out to anybody who she thought needed help. But who was here to help her now? Who did she have reaching out to her? It didn’t look like she had anybody as she held either one of her two son’s hands as they followed the coffin through the church doors.
“Will you be okay with Natalie?” I whispered close to Emily’s ear. “I need to make sure she’s okay.” I nodded my head towards Amanda and Emily’s understanding nod said what she didn’t need to speak. “I love you,” I told her as I kissed her hair before releasing her hand.
I slowed my pace to match Amanda’s as I reached her. Her head snapped round to face me and her eyes instantly formed perfect little pools as she looked at me helplessly. And it was almost too much to bear. I wanted to cry. I wanted to break down on the spot, but someone had to be strong for her sake and I’d be damned if I was going to let that someone be anybody but myself. I owed that to her as much as I owed it to Jason. I had done this. I had snatched her husband away from her. Not me personally, no, but if I hadn’t have sent him to pick up Emily that day he would never have been in that car when it lost control. I would have been in the car and it would have been me in that coffin now as Emily followed behind. I couldn’t ever regret meeting Emily, but what I did regret was not trying harder to find Jay. Jay had done this, and he had meant it for me. I still had no idea how he did it, but he did, I knew it, even if I didn’t have any proof. If I had have found him sooner, I would have killed the bastard before he ever got the chance to harm the people I loved. I owed Jason my life, and I would make sure Amanda and the boys were well cared for. I could never make up for what they’d already lost, but I would never let them want for anything. I wouldn’t see them struggle.
I took Jake’s hand from his mother’s tight grasp and held it firmly in my own whilst reaching out and clasping my fingers around Amanda’s trembling hand. She managed a weak smile before her face contorted and her loud sobs broke free. I swallowed hard against the lump that had lodged itself in my throat. “You’re going to be okay,” I assured her as I squeezed her hand and pulled her closer to my side.